Um… just something that came out my twisted and deranged little mind. Enjoy.
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all his little cronies (muahaha evil conspiracy) belong to J.K. Rowling. Information about potions, creatures and people found from http://www.i2k.com/~svderark/lexicon/
"I'm so tired…" Snape moaned, walking into a room and closing the door behind him. He shook his head to relieve his neck cramps and flexed his hands.
"Were you waiting a long time for me, my dear? I'm so sorry. It was a busy day today… absolutely exhausting" the man said, yawning and stretching. He sat on a chair and kicked off his shoes.
"What happened? Do you really need to ask? That bratty little Potter again, obviously! Him and his snotty little goody-goody friends," Snape took off his socks and wiggled his toes in bliss, "Weasley and Granger. I don't understand why they have to make my life so difficult, honestly. If only they could be a bit more like Mr. Malfoy… yes, Draco Malfoy, his father's Lucius Malfoy. Sure I hate the git, but his son's got a good head on him. Obedient, a charming young man."
Snape yawned again. "Goodness, what time is it? So late… blast that Potter."
"Hm? What did he do this time, you ask?" he said, standing up and untying his robes which fell to the floor with a soft rustle around his feet.
"It was him and that Weasley boy. They were talking in my class. When I was talking! They have the manners of a Flobberworm. Then when I told them to make a simple forgetfulness potion, they obviously didn't listen to my clear and straightforward instructions, because they blew the whole damned cauldron up! Of course, they defended themselves… insulted me, as usual. They just can't admit they're wrong."
Snape pulled his shirt off, so he stood topless, and continued. "So I patiently clear away the mess and then set them a punishment: to write lines instead. Everything is going fine, for a while. Then what happens? That idiot Longbottom spills his cauldron. The liquid that he and Granger made flies everywhere, and, yes, everyone goes stupid. I knew it was a mistake, pairing Longbottom with Granger. I should have paired him with Goyle. Or Crabbe. Those two can't get anything right, so at least if Longbottom had toppled over the cauldron, which he did, then nothing would happen. As it was, Ms. Perfection Granger made the potion correctly."
Snape yawned again and shook his head.
"Please forgive my rudeness, I'm exhausted. Where was I? Oh yes" he said. He loosened the belt on his pants and took it off.
"It took me hours of stirring up batches of the potion to counter it to change the children back. You should have seen the mayhem they got into… A handful of them ran into Weasley's twin brothers… Fred and George, who convinced them that they were animals that had escaped from the zoo. Those boys are now serving time in detention, cleaning the dungeons. What? Cruel? I'm not cruel, it's a certifiable punishment, perfectly worthy of those two. I don't care if the gits get any sleep or not, let them get into trouble the next day. Anyhow. I suppose it was quite hilarious, although it wasn't at that moment. Potter had the strange notion in his head that he was a Great White shark… he was faffing about in the Great Lake, roaring like an imbecile and trying to catch fish in his mouth. He bit me, can you believe it? That ungrateful… I waded in to try and get him out, and he bit me. He's fortunate that I stunned him and dragged him out onto land and gave him the anti-potion before one of the mermaids got it into their stupid little heads that he was trying to attack and speared him. Although, of course, that wouldn't be such a bad thing… I'd much rather prefer to do it myself though. But I'm getting off the subject."
Snape unzipped his trousers and let them fall to the floor around his feet. He stepped out of them and shivered a little.
"And then one of the girls, Ms. Brown, I think, managed to wander to the Care of Magical Creatures class where that fool Hagrid was showing the class crates of Billywigs… those Australian bugs that cause levitation and giddiness with one sting… yes. She let them loose. Accidental, I suppose, but it was chaotic. I still don't understand the ridiculous excuse Hagrid giving me for not stopping her from opening the crates… thought she was really curious or something, and he didn't want to stifle education…" Snape circled his finger around his right temple in the air, smiling slightly.
"After I finally managed to change the children back I had to run off to rescue all the levitating children… and even they managed to cause mayhem, tripping and wobbling about everywhere and smashing into things…" Snape shook his head.
"It's really a wonder how my hair remains black" he said. With that, he removed his last piece of clothing, his underwear. He dipped his foot tentatively into the large bathtub, testing out the temperature of the water. In the tub his darling, his beloved swam blissfully in the deep, soothingly hot water, bobbing about playfully. Snape got in and relaxed comfortably next to the one closest to his heart.
"So… should we continue where we left off last night?" he asked with a crooked grin.
"Hm… how about stunning him then throwing him out to the Whomping Willow?"
"Oh, of course! Pour undiluted Bubotuber pus on him first, THEN stun him and throw him out to the Whomping Willow!" Snape said happily. "Ducky, you're a genius!"
He squeezed his yellow Sesame Street rubber ducky again.
Snape sighed happily. What better way to relax at the end of the day than to take a long, soothing bath with your rubber ducky and plot interesting ways to kill Harry Potter?
This fic was a response to a dare my friends gave me… written with Jake! *strolls off humming rubber ducky song (copyrighted to Ernie of Sesame Street!)*