Author's Notes: My take on Naruto 631. Because as much as I loved it, it also had way too many WTF moments for me and the only way I could adequately express myself after reading was to write this. Now that it's all out, I really must get back to studying!
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. If I did, the events mentioned in this crackfic would not have happened. Also, though this fic gets sarcastic at times (it's a parody guys, of course it does) can I just mention that no matter what I say, I still love Kishimoto-sama and think he is a genius. I just wish he wouldn't portray certain female characters a certain way, but then that's just my largely unimportant opinion!
Warnings: SPOILER ALERT FOR MANGA CHAPTER 631, plotless crack, some NaruSaku bashing, hints of NaruHina, SasuSaku, NejiTen (maybe more than just hints of NaruHina) and then there's a few MadaHashi references. And I guess if you really read between the lines there's some NaruSasu and a tiny bit of ItaSasu though those really aren't meant to be interpreted as such. Though if you want to and it makes you happy, feel free! J
Sakura stormed towards the Shonen Jump Headquarters, chakra flowing through her fingers, because she had a bone to pick with their beloved creator, Masashi Kishimoto.
By 'bone to pick' what she really meant was she'd inject chakra, minute by minute, into his limbs until they cracked, but let's not squabble over semantics here.
It wasn't fair, really. Sakura hadn't experienced much love in the past few chapters, and Kishimoto had promised her redemption after 630. However, considering the fact that she had been rudely awoken from her bed by the scream of angry fanboys (of whom, exactly? Why were the Hinata fanboys hating on her, the previous chapters had made it clear that she loved Sasuke, and Naruto and Hinata were practically married already with all the slapping and handholding and whatnot) she was pretty sure that 631 hadn't been particularly kind to her.
"…what the hell?" Sakura stopped dead in her tracks, viewing the commotion in front of her.
Because judging by the number of shinobi and fans who were rioting around the HQ, clearly she wasn't the only one who had an issue with 631.
"Oh Kishimoto-san, who did you kill this time?" Sakura muttered.
"It's okay," Tenten patted a sobbing Hinata on the back, "Hinata, I – I'm sorry… but it'll be okay… trust me, I know…"
"Why, Tenten?" Hinata looked at her friend out of tear-stained Byakugan eyes, a heart-wrenchingly sad expression on her pretty face, "Why is it that girls like us can – never – "
"That's not true," Tenten soothed, "Look, you don't know that… me, well, I don't have much of a chance given he killed my lover, but you – you still can, in fact I'm pretty sure you will-"
"I will not stand for this mistreatment of the Hyuuga," Neji growled, "It's getting ridiculous. Also, they are clearly given the Uchiha preferential treatment. What is that Hokage nonsense? I cannot believe that people would stand for that!"
"We're as pissed off as you are about it," Kiba muttered, looking worriedly over at Hinata, "But seriously, Naruto… I know he saved us, but why is the guy such a moron?!"
"I am going to go speak to our venerable creator," Neji declared.
"Neji, you're dead, he doesn't give a crap about what you say," Tenten told him bluntly.
Neji gaped at her, betrayed.
"Tenten!" he gasped, "That was the most insensitive thing you have said to me. It even beats the time you didn't cry over my tragic death sequence!"
"Get over that already, I more than made up for it," Tenten rolled her eyes.
"Still," Neji sniffed, "When your best friend dies, it is natural, and appropriate, and entirely expected to emote, especially when I was quite possibly the future father of your children."
"I did emote!" Tenten shrieked, flushing, "Remember! That was me holding you in my arms and crying, but then Kishimoto-san drew my eyebrows too thick so he had to edit me into Lee!"
"Guys, we're going off-topic here!" Kiba snapped, pointing to a still-sobbing Hinata.
"Right," Tenten said, glaring at her sulking teammate, "I don't think it'll help taking this up with Kishimoto-san. I say we go directly to Naruto."
Naruto, in the meanwhile, was not having a particularly good day.
"-AND YOU ARE THE THICKEST IDIOT ALIVE IF YOU DON'T REALIZE THAT ALREADY?! HOW CAN YOU DO THAT TO THE POOR GIRL?! DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW SHE MUST BE FEELING?! NO RAMEN FOR A MONTH!"
"Maaaaa," Naruto cried, clutching his head, "I swear I didn't mean it like that! It was a joke! Please don't involve the ramen!"
"Kushina," Minato said softly, reaching for his seething wife.
She turned on him with the full force of her bloody-habanero-glare, her red hair whipping around her like flames.
"And you," Kushina hissed, "You're as much of a baka as he is, Minato-kun, you flake! What did you mean saying that to Sakura?! And HOW, again, does she remind you of me?!"
"I'm sorry?" Minato offered, "I was too preoccupied with the war scenes and my new transformation, and didn't really have time to go over my script… I said the words without thinking. I'll go talk to Hinata-chan later though, I promise."
"Well, that's okay," Kushina said mollified, "But really, what was that transformation? I didn't know you could do that!"
"Liked it?" Minato asked, tilting his head.
"It was the coolest thing ever!" Kushina gushed.
"Is that so?" the Yondaime smirked, pulling his wife towards him.
"GAHHH MY EYES!" Naruto screeched, "Okay, I'm going to go find Sas-"
"No!" Kushina grabbed her son's collar, "You will not go running after your precious Sasuke again! Go find Hinata, and sort things out with her now! I want grandchildren!"
"Ah – okay – okay!" Naruto flushed, "Geez, mom!"
"This is so unfair," Ino stabbed a piece of steak with her fork, "I am clearly the hottest kunoichi there is."
She briefly glared at Shikamaru and Chouji as if daring them to challenge her claim; neither of them were dumb enough to refute her.
Chouji continued wolfing down his meat (since Ino seemed to be attacking the food with a vengeful vigor and he had to get his fair share of the meal) and Shikamaru just watched her, half-exasperated and half-worried.
"I am better looking, have better dress sense, better measurements, and I even mind-controlled the freaking Juubi! Sasuke-kun should totally fall for me!"
"…with all those qualities, it's a wonder you don't have more self-respect," Shikamaru drawled.
"WHAAAT?!" Ino shrieked, "YOU-"
"Seriously, Ino," he snapped, losing his cool composure for a moment, "You're better than this. I know you are. You should know it to. You deserve better than Sasuke, so get over it already. Don't go fighting with Sakura again, because frankly, the two of them deserve each other anyways."
"But – but – " Ino blubbered, "I need a man too! A hot shinobi to-"
"Actually, you don't Ino," Shikamaru said, "I know I probably appear to be one of the most chauvinistic people that there is, but we all know everyone is complaining about how male-centric this manga is. And how it needs strong empowered woman. If anyone, you're one of the few kunoichi who can actually be that. You don't need a shinobi by your side, and besides, you always have Chouji and I, even if we're just teammates."
"…wow," Ino looked at her friend, stunned, "That's – that's – thank you, Shikamaru!"
"Gee Shikamaru," Chouji was impressed, "I would have never thought of you as the motivational speaker… especially for woman…"
"Well, Temari is always bitching at me to be more compassionate…"
"I don't think she's referring to verbal compassion," Ino winked at him, "Thanks though, anyways."
"Temeeee! Sasuke!" Naruto yelled, pushing through the crowds, "Has anyone seen – oh, hi Sakura-chan!"
"Naruto!" Sakura cried, "Watch where you're going!"
"Sorry, sorry, ne, Sakura-chan, have you seen Sasuke? Or Hinata for that matter?"
"Sorry," Sakura shook her head, "Haven't seen either – though the Hinata fanboys want me dead, apparently…"
"Heh, yeah about that…" Naruto scratched his head.
"Oh, I know it's all your fault!" Sakura seethed, "I just read it. Why did you have to go say stupid crap like that?!"
"Ahh I don't know, but you finally get to fight with me and Sasuke-teme, so you should be happy, okay? Bye!"
"Naruto!" Sakura screeched, "Get back here!"
"Sasuke?" Suigetsu asked, "Hm, last I saw him… he was headed to the Fanclub offices."
"Fanclub offices?" Naruto stared at the boy, mouth agape, "Why the heck would Sasuke go there?"
"The Itachi fanclub is having some sort of an epic showdown with the Minato fanclub," Karin piped up, "I think they're feeling threatened with all the power-ups the Sandaime has been getting."
"And all the major ass-kicking," Suigetsu sniggered, "Man, that guy's a boss."
"Don't let Sasuke hear you say that," Juugo warned.
"Yeah, my dad's awesome," Naruto said proudly, "Though Itachi is amazing too… but I still don't understand why Sasuke would be there…"
"Oh, you don't know," Karin chirped, "Sasuke-kun is the president of the Itachi Uchiha fanclub… he's basically out there defending his dear brother's honor… not that it needs any defending. Itachi Uchiha is a living, walking fantasy… so sexy… and strong… even Hashirama Senju said it…"
"You mean dead, walking fantasy?" Suigetsu snickered, "Edo-Tensei, remember?"
"THAT WAS NOT FUNNY!" Karin yelled, "I'm telling Sasuke-kun you said that!"
"Please don't, he'll kill me."
"She's been kind of obsessed with him lately," Juugo told Naruto, "Possible rebound?"
"Nah, everyone is obsessed with Itachi, he's just awesome," Naruto shrugged, "I've accepted that he'll always be cooler than me, though my dad owns too! Anyways, gotta go find the teme!"
"Hiraishin is useless if you can't get close to your opponent, and with Susano'o that would be near impossible," Sasuke raised a dark eyebrow, "Hence, Itachi is virtually impenetrable in that state."
"Yeah! You tell her Sasuke-kun!" came the rousing scream of hundreds of fanboys and fangirls.
"That's what he said!" someone else added.
Sasuke's face turned the color of a ripe tomato.
"Who said that?!" he demanded.
"Of course he's impenetrable!" another girl screamed, "That's because he's on top! You're Sas-uke remember?"
"What?!" Sasuke was enraged, "What is this?!"
"Please, you've kissed my son twice, don't act like you're new to yaoi fangirls..." Kushina snorted, "Though they've become increasingly virulent nowadays with all that Hashirama/Madara stuff going on… it's like they feel they have a new hope."
"That is irrelevant. Let's get back to the topic at hand," Sasuke said quickly, "The fact that my brother, Itachi, is clearly a superior shinobi than your husband-"
"Oh, DON'T EVEN GO THERE, PUNK!" Kushina snapped, rapidly escalating back to Bloody-Habanero stage, a transformation which was, quite frankly, more terrifying than Tailed-Beast Mode.
"What?" Sasuke asked impetuously.
"Minato throws a kunai. Space-time warps it into another dimension. Warps it back out so that it's inside the Susano'o armor, which, as of my knowledge, is not resistant to space-time warps, and then switches to his sage of the six paths mode or whatever that is and then uses Hiraishin. Ownage," Kushina finishes triumphantly, and the Minato fans go wild.
"Tsukiyomi," Sasuke grits his teeth, "Or actually, genjutsu. Don't even get me started on genjutsu. Itachi may get beaten in this hypothetical situation, but it's all actually a genjutsu and my real brother is actually-"
"Wondering why I would be fighting Minato-sama in the first place, given that we share the same ideals, and are comrades, so that is entirely unlikely."
"Nii-san!" Sasuke turns around excitedly, joy alighting his usually sullen countenance.
Half of the fanboys and fangirls pass out from nosebleeds, and the others start stampeding towards the newly-appeared Shinobi.
"Okay, let's go," Minato says, appearing a moment later and hiraishining the four of them out of there.
"Kushina," Minato says later, half-exasperated, half-blushing, "You really didn't need to…"
"I'm the newly appointed president of your fanclub!" Kushina beams at him, "Of course I did!"
"You – Kushina," Minato facepalmed, "I don't know if I'm touched, or freaked out."
"I'd hope for touched," Kushina warned him, eyes glinting.
"Yes, yes, I'm absolutely honored sweetheart," Minato said quickly, kissing his wife on the cheek, "Now do you have any idea where Madara's gotten to?"
"He's outside the Shippings Department," Kushina informed him.
"Shippings?" Minato stared at her, "You're joking right?"
"Oh no. I am serious," Kushina told him, "All the Sakura/Sasuke and Naruto/Sakura and Naruto/Sasuke and Naruto/Hinata shippers were sulking about it. Hundreds of them had gathered there to celebrate and argue and protest and fight or whatever… but they can't seem to get inside because Madara has placed a genjutsu around the place and is currently fighting to get more panel-time with Hashirama. He seems to want some kind of epic, emotionally-fueled showdown, it seems."
"…why am I not surprised," Minato facepalmed again.
"God, someone call Hashirama Senju and get him out of there already!" a naruhina shipper whined, "He's been in there for hours!"
"No, he's doing a good job, representing the need for more boy on boy love in this manga," a sasunaru fan argued, "It gives me hope…"
"There's enough boy on boy action with all those kisses!" a sasusaku fan screeched, "And then they hype them up in the omakes! And then the stupid filler kiss too! Why would they do a filler which had them stuck together and a kiss! It was like a bad fanfiction or something!"
"Please, this entire chapter was like a bad fanfiction," the naruhina shipper added, "Why does Sasuke want Hokage now? And how is Naruto not having a freakoutgasm?"
"The only one gasming in this manga is Madara," the sasunaru shipper snickered, "He keeps hashigasming, every other chapter…"
"But then he gets rejected," the narusaku shipper pointed out.
"Shut up, nobody likes you," the naruhina shipper snapped.
"Madara, calm down, let's just leave," Hashirama said.
"CALM DOWN?! YOU'RE TELLING ME TO CALM DOWN AFTER YEARS OF US NOT SEEING EACH OTHER?! YOU WERE DEAD! I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD! YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IT MEANT TO ME, HOW MUCH YOU MEANT TO ME! WHEN THEY RESURRECTED YOU, I REALLY THOUGHT –"
"Come on now, no need to cause a scene here," Hashirama told his friend.
"YOU'RE RIGHT!" Madara yelled, a crazed expression taking over his face, "LET'S TAKE THIS OUTSIDE. YOU. ME. VALLEY OF THE END. NOW!"
"…Mito is not going to be happy," Hashirama shook his head.
"Hina-chan! Hina-chan!" Naruto cried, his face falling as he caught sight of the tearful girl.
"Na-Naruto-kun!" Hinata looked up at him through a curtain of dark hair, her lip trembling.
"Oh, Hinata!" Naruto rushed towards her, "I'm so sorry, I swear I didn't mean it, please don't cry, you know that I li-"
"Stay away from her!" Neji leaped in front of Hinata, sliding into his Jyuuken stance, "Enough Hyuuga blood has been shed in your wake!"
"…tears," Kiba muttered, "You mean Hyuuga tears. God, Neji, for once stop bringing the topic back to yourself."
"I died to protect you and Hinata," Neji began, "To protect your love-"
"Neji!" Tenten yelled, "You are being the biggest cockblock of the century. Clearly he is trying to apologize. Get out of the way!"
"I – I'm sorry?" Neji choked, "What did you just call me Tenten?"
"Cockblock," Tenten repeated, "Yeah, that's right. I get you want to protect her emotions, but right now what you're doing, it's worse than when Lee and Gai-sensei burst into our private sparring sessions so they can 'celebrate the flames of youth' with us."
"Alright," he said, and he moved out of the way.
"Thank you," Naruto told Tenten, "Didn't want to have to beat him into the ground again."
"You make her cry or hurt her, Naruto," Neji warned, "I will end you."
"Yeah, I have to support Neji on that," Tenten added.
"Don't forget that Akamaru and I will tear you to pieces," Kiba said ominously, before slapping Naruto on the back, "Good luck though!"
"Um – heh heh…" Naruto scratched his head, "Okay, guys, um, thanks… now can you all go please? I'd like to talk to Hinata alone…"
"YOSH! I have good news!" Lee popped out of the bushes a few minutes later and Neji and Tenten sprung apart instantly, blushing.
"Cockblocking," Tenten muttered, looking annoyed, "See? Isn't it a pain?"
"I will never subject Hinata-sama to it again," Neji vowed.
"What's up Lee?" Tenten asked.
"I saw Naruto and Hinata just now!" Lee announced gleefully, "And judging by what I saw, I believe I can say that Naruto is now out of the running on the race to Sakura's heart! I have a better shot now!"
"Um… Lee…" Tenten began, "I hate to break it to you… but… um…"
"Naruto may be with Hinata, yes," Neji nodded, "But it seems he passed on the figurative baton, so to speak…"
"…to Sasuke," Tenten finished.
Sakura whirled around, trying to fight the butterflies that had started fluttering in her stomach at the sound of the low, almost bored-sounding, and yet somehow sensual voice.
"Sa-Sasuke-kun! What do you want?"
"Is Naruto with you?"
"Oh," Sakura deflated, "Of course. And no… no he isn't… he's with Hinata, I think."
"Good," Sasuke smirked, "So he's busy then. I'm really not in the mood to have him bite off my head about the Hokage thing."
"Huh?" Sakura asked confused, "And what was that? Where did that come from?!"
"I'm not sure actually," Sasuke shrugged, "To be honest I was just screwing with him… still waiting for a reaction…"
"Oh, thank God," Sakura said relieved, "If you were serious about wanting Hokage after all this… well…"
"I don't know… it would just be kind of ridiculous, don't you think, Sasuke-kun?"
"Anyways, he seems more upset about the fact that you ignored him this chapter though, you know…"
"Tch… dobe," Sasuke rolled his eyes, though there was a hint of fondness in his tone, "He would."
"…I was actually really surprised that you talked to me you know, though?" Sakura went on, "You ignored Naruto and talked to me…"
"Hn," Sasuke flicked his bangs, looking off to the side with apparent disinterest.
"I still haven't forgiven you, you know."
Sasuke raised an eyebrow at her
"For – for trying to kill us before. And everything else."
"Is that so?" dark eyes met green.
"Yeah! You shouldn't have done that!" Sakura cried, before looking down and flushing as she began to twist her fingers together.
Sasuke continued to look at her, and Sakura bit her lip.
"Huh?" she looked up, and Sasuke had that age-old smirk on his face.
It was so familiar and it looked so handsome on him and it just tugged at her heartstrings.
"You still talk to much," he informed her, "I'm going for dinner."
"Oh," Sakura mumbled, "Oh, okay, then. See you."
He sounded even more annoyed this time.
"What is it, Sasuke-kun?"
"Stop being annoying. Let's go."
And then, despite the fact that the fanboys had broken all her windows and despite the fact that she was pretty sure that regardless of her little speech she would still get no good action in the next few chapters (though she totally deserved it given that she had proved early on in Shippuden that she was more than capable of dealing with certain Akatsuki members, though apparently Kishimoto-sama had developed a case of amnesia regarding that particular feat of hers), Sakura's day suddenly brightened up again.
Author's Notes: Because actually. WTF was that chapter. It made me happy but it also made me LOL so much, there was so much crazy in it. I feel Naruto, the manga in general, has been so crazy lately. I have loved parts of it, hated other parts. I've sufficiently summed up most of my feelings above so I won't subject you all to a long rant. Though feel free to rant back in a review or PM me if you'd like!
I would love to hear your thoughts on this!
Also, yeah, about why Sakura didn't know what going on… just go with it I guess, didn't really think this story through much, and I have an EXAM tonight which I need to study for!
Also quick note in regards to my other Naruto fics because I am sure some of you are cursing me right now and I have been so bad lately with replying to PMs and reviews – I haven't given up on writing and I am terribly sorry for the long wait, I just have been so busy and preoccupied! And I didn't want to rush chapters or write them when I felt I couldn't give them justice! Forgive me for the long wait but I promise… eventually… and thank you for all the kind words, I really appreciated all of them! I will reply eventually as well! Sorry!
Thanks for reading!