It just takes three minutes to change your life forever.
It takes thirty minutes to accurately pee on ten tiny sticks.
I was washed my hands, but didn't button my jeans until I headed out the bathroom door. It was fun to get Kid all worked up. "We have some cleaning up to do in there."
Except that he didn't notice at all. Quietly he mumbled, "Oh. You should have peed in a cup and dipped the sticks in."
"What's the fun in that? It's like a game of skill and chance. Hit the stick, get a plus and you win the need to purchase diapers for two years. Mostly likely six, if the tiny terror has a penis."
Edward looked up at me. His face was solemn. "There are important decisions to be made."
"Chill out, Yoda."
He looked even more upset. "Star Wars! Are you kidding me?"
"It could be worse. I could have said Star Trek. How about this? Chill out, Harry Potter."
He stood up and paced back and forth. "This is serious! We need to plan-"
"What I'm getting on my pizza?" I waved a menu in his face.
"The sex we need to be having?" I pointed to my unbuttoned jeans. "Look at the easy access, buckaroo."
"Bella! My child might be in there!"
He was going to be a pain in my ass.
"It's a zygote. It won't feel a damn thing." I went for his jeans. "Join me for mutual satisfaction. It will pass the time while we wait for the sticks to finish cooking."
Annie Oakley shrieked, "Fuck Edward Cullen!"
I wiggled my eyebrows. "Our parrot agrees with me."
Kid stomped his foot. He was already practicing being a questionable role model for our spawn. Maybe spawn.
"Are you ready for this?" He asked, looking worried. His hands started pulling at his hair.
I shrugged. "I don't care. They will be implanting it in you anyway. Enjoy those extra pounds, sexy."
I sat on the couch and patted the seat next to me. Kid came over cautiously. I decided to hug him. He seemed to like that touchy stuff.
"Edward, the deed is done. I'm pregnant or I'm not. We're together and happy, so we deal with it. Chief Charlie is going to make a kick ass nanny." I took his stressed out face in my hands and kissed him. Pulling away, I asked, "You don't want this anymore?"
He kissed me with one of those toe curling ones that movies stupidly talk about. "I want this! I want to be a stay-at-home dad!"
Umm. . . Okay.
I pulled him up and we headed to the bathroom.
One look was all it took.
"Fuck me, I actually bred."