This plot bunny wouldn't leave me alone. I had to give in.

I don't own Harry Potter or any of the different versions of V. This is a parody.
Most text taken from the American edition of Sorcerer's Stone p. 62-63 with one word changed. One very important word.

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"You never told him? Never told him what was in the letter Dumbledore left fer him? I was there! I saw Dumbledore leave it, Dursley! An' you've kept it from him all these years?"

"Kept what from me?" said Harry eagerly.

"STOP! I FORBID YOU!" yelled Uncle Vernon in panic.

Aunt Petunia gave a gasp of horror.

"Ah, go boil yer heads, both of yeh," said Hagrid. "Harry - yer a lizard."

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This joke was so obvious that I was afraid someone else had done it already. Nope, at least here on FFN.