The Dark Side of Love and Hate
Honesty: Daiya no Kuni no Alice is the game I know the least about, and even though Sidney has a stupid character design, his personality is tsundere sexy. He has abandonment issues that make him an extra sad bunny. Sidney isn't really a character I know a whole lot about, though. He's still an enigma to me. I know bits and pieces about him, but I don't quite have a clear picture, so I guess this fic is just my interpretation of Mr. Sad Bunny's personality.
All black. Black walls, black decorations, black collectables, one of which was a porcelain black bunny. The oppressive dark atmosphere crushed any joy or curiosity Alice may have felt when Sidney invited to show her his collection. I should have known, she thought, but she also knew what they said about hindsight. Even the cute little porcelain bunny perched on a black pedestal seemed depressing. The small figurine was wrapped in black cloth. She grasped it in her hand, examining it curiously. She glanced at Sidney, looking somber in the darkness, and back at the bunny.
"It looks like you," she said absently. "He just needs a red eye."
Sidney's breath hitched, hissing out his lips. "How stupid are you?"
"Wha—Wait!" she managed as he snatched the figure from her and placed it back on the cloth.
"This rabbit is how it's supposed to be," he said. "Why would you mess that up?"
Oh dear, Alice thought bitterly. I better prepare for a long lecture. Will this guy never get over his issues? But the lecture never came. He glared at her, eyes hatefully narrowed, until he said, "Get out."
She stepped back towards the door, thoughts racing. He'd kill her without a thought. This wasn't Peter. She wasn't sure which she preferred most: absolute love or absolute hate. Both sides of the coin were just as stifling, but at least Peter was more likely to smother her in kisses than bury her in bullets. Peter was more predictable. Did she miss that? God, Peter was an annoying pest but, somehow, she felt something was missing. This world felt so much colder than Clover or Heart. Peter was warm and bright. Sidney was filled with hate, bitterness and loneliness, and she wasn't the type to want to fix a man like that.
You can't fix people. Alice knew this absolute truth. Once a person was put on a path, they rarely deviated from it. She couldn't fix Sidney's problems. Hell, she didn't want to. Noticing how slow she was going, he drew a pistol, aiming steadily at her head. What a broken little bunny. How sad, but she wasn't his goddamned therapist, and she would never be anyone's therapist. She told Ace as much once long ago in a different country.
She didn't turn her back as she stepped out the door, watching Sidney the entire time. "I'm leaving now," she said, trying to placate him.
"No! Wait! Don't leave!" he cried.
"But you said to—"
"You can't leave! But you can't stay either!" The man tripped over himself, the mental gymnastics of his mind playing as an outraged expression on his face.
"… Do you even know what you want?" The words rang familiar to herself. She remembered a Knight and how lost he was, and how he didn't know what he wanted. And here was a rabbit, also lost, not knowing what he wanted. Poor souls.
"I know if you walk out that door…." The pistol shook. "There's no guarantee you'll come back. I don't like you. I hate you, but I don't want you to leave. I don't want to be alone."
"Then what do you want me to do?"
"Just don't move." He lowered the pistol. His mismatched eyes, fixed on her face, unsettled her for the long period he stared. "Does it bother you?"
"My eye." He glanced away. "My red eye doesn't seem to bother you in the slightest. I don't understand that. Nothing I do bothers you. I hate you for that. I hate how you accept me for who I am. I hate how you don't leave."
"I'm used to people like you." She walked towards him. "You're not the first person to threaten me." She shrugged. "You won't be the last. They say everyone is supposed to love me, or at least that's how it used to be, but… there's a lot of danger in love. That's really the main lesson I've learned here."
"Is that why, in the former countries, you never chose a lover? Men were practically lined up before you, and you chose no one."
"I'd rather not mess with either love or hate," she said smoothly.
She sensed something… change in him. His rage softened to curiosity as he probed her with questions. "Tell me, are love and hate the same to you?"
"In my experience love and hate are the same. They're both passion. They both hurt in the end."
"You're odd." He holstered his pistol. "And right. The same people who love you hate you. It makes sense."
"You can only hate what you love," she said.
"I hate you."
Alice's eyes widened. His words came out feverish, whispered, as he grasped her chin, glaring deeply into her symmetrical eyes that he was so envious of.
"I hate how everyone accepts and loves you. I hate the adoration people like that idiot, Peter White, showed you. I hate how easily people take to you. I hate how this whole country hands things to you because of what you are. I hate how you never truly experience the dark side of this place because someone always saves your pitiful self. I hate how you belong. Even as an Outsider, you belong here. The countries conform to you. You shape the people around you to suit what makes you happy. You're the missing puzzle piece to this puzzling world. You fit perfectly, and I hate, hate, hate you."
"That's a lot of hate." The breath of her words brushed his lips.
"I love you, Alice, and I hate that with every fiber of my being."
She inhaled. "You don't have to love me. You—"
He held her tightly, his shoulders shaking. She felt the wetness of his tears on her sleeve. "I want to paint you black. Submerge you completely in black paint. Watch your pale skin darken, your pale hair darken… your symmetrical blue eyes darken."
"You could, but that'd kill me."
He stroked her hair. "And I'd put you in my private collection."
She laughed, so used to the oddness of the residents of Wonderland. Phrases like that didn't faze her even slightly. "Would you put me next to the rabbit figurine?"
"Maybe." His strained smile made pity well in her breast. She caught him studying her features intently. His red eye, the color of a ruby gem, was actually quite pretty. Who could hate him for it? She reached her hand to his face, removing his monocle and stroking the lid of his red eye ever so gently. Beneath the soft touch, she caressed his soft skin.
"I think you're perfect…." she whispered.
His lips opened slightly, brows rising as if he couldn't believe what she said. "I'm not. I'm really not." He was on the brink of tears again. Had nobody ever told him this before?
The broken puzzle piece to this puzzling world. No. She was no one's puzzle piece. She refused to bear that burden, but she certainly could help him fix himself. "I think you're beautiful, and I wish you saw it." She smiled sadly. "I wish you saw yourself the way I see you. I don't care what people from your past thought. You're beautiful, Sidney. You're the most perfect and beautiful Sidney I know."
The tears fell freely. He embraced her, covering her neck in kisses that trailed across her cheeks and to her lips. "Alice, Alice, Alice," he whispered over and over, his voice echoing the way Peter used to say her name. "God, Alice. You're perfect. You always say the perfect things."
"But I don't…." she protested weakly before he smothered her words with his lips. Her brain finally caught up with what was going on as she realized he was actually kissing her. The sensation of him nipping her lips, his tongue sliding across her moistened lips, numbed the realization. What was he driven by? Need, desperation, want?
"Sidney," she said softly as his lips broke from her mouth, and again he smothered the words.
"I'm not Peter," he murmured. "I'm not pure." His hands fell on her breasts, his lips settling against her collarbone. Her breath hitched. She could see, no feel, the fact he wasn't pure. His confusion made his kiss bitter on her lips. This wasn't Peter. Peter was desperate, but she always felt warmth in his kisses. Not that she willingly allowed him to kiss her. He usually found some reason to surprise her with an embrace. Her hands trembled at the memory. Was he her only real ally in Wonderland?
He grasped the straps of her apron, forcing her on her tip-toes so that it would be easier for his lips to accost hers. She didn't exactly allow him to continue kissing her, but she didn't stop him. Instead she closed her eyes. He pulled away. "We have work."
But she didn't want to separate. She gripped his vest.
"What?" he said, putting on a show of irritation.
"Peter wouldn't stop." She gazed up at him. "He kissed me when I first came to Hearts and he never stopped."
"You're comparing me to him?" He stiffened. "That fool, Peter White!? I'll kiss you until you pass out, Alice. I'll kiss you until you're unable to think." He gripped her shoulders too hard. "I'll kiss you until you don't even remember Peter."
"Don't say that…." she murmured. "I'll always remember."
"You say that now." He licked her lips. He was inexpert, she realized, but he made up for it with passion. "But not when I'm all you think about."
He pushed her against the wall, hand gripping her hair, his kiss dominating. His tongue lapped at the roof of her mouth, at the back of her throat. She released soft noises as she desperately tried to keep up.
She felt like she was forgetting Peter! Pushing him off, she wiped her lips and raced out the room, leaving Sidney to watch her wake and clench his fists.
I love you, Sidney, but your fashion sense is SO bad. You are, like, the worst dressed bunny in Wonderland, and your competition wears skin-colored pants and a checkered jacket. And your haircut is some weird page boy bob thing and UGH. For the same company that designed Joker's sexy uniform I can't believe they let Sid's current design get into the actual game.