Fate Stay Night and all related elements and characters are the property and creation of Type-Moon and Kinoko Nasu, and the author of this set of short pieces has made no material profit from it, and never will do.
Similarly, all non-Fate characters mentioned here are the properties of their respective copyright holders.
Any non-parodic, non-totally safe similarity between the characters and events of these ministories and anyone or anything ever actually seen in real life is a pure coincidence. For real!
Read. Review. Please. PLEASE!
SERVANTS WHO NEVER SHOULD BE SUMMONED- PART 1.
Caster stood before the figure she had just summoned. The man dwarfed her in size, and he had hair all over the parts of his chalk white skin not covered by black leather. A gigantic collection of oversized weapons hung from his jacket and belt, and he had a rusty set of chains and a butcher's hook around his muscular right arm. His long black hair was as wild as they came, and his crimson eyes shone lecherously as he eyed her carefully, puffing madly on his also huge cigar, smoke flying eveywhere.
"Whoo-hoo! Hey there, Skirt. I'm Assassin, but call me a Servant an' I'll frag ya! So, yer the one who summoned me, huh?"
She tried to regain her composure. "Uh, yes. I am your Master, Servant Caster, and—"
"Hold it, Skirt. No one, no matter how hot, calls themselves the Main Man's Master! Contractor, fine, but Master, never in your fraggin' life! And anyway, shouldn't it be 'Mistress'?"
"You shall call me 'Master', " she said, attempting her best to show herself in control.
Assassin blinked, looking oddly puzzled. "Oh. Oh, I get it. Yer one of those cross dressin' weirdos, ain't ya, Clyde? That's why yer not showin' anymore leg. Gotta hand it to ya, that's a fraggin' good disguise. You even had me fooled for a—"
"I'm a woman!" Caster growled, patting herself on the chest.
"But I have to call ya a Master. Yanno, I didn't exactly ace grammar, but I think—"
"I'm a woman, and I'm your Master!"
Assassin looked at her for a moment, frowning deeply, before driving one hand into her crotch.
"Ohhhh. Yep, definitely woman, alright. But I'm still not callin' ya a—"
Kuzuki returned home to find Caster standing over the charred remains of half of the temple, strangling a battered biker who had his hand on her crotch.
"..." Kuzuki said, his expression still the same.
"... I can explain!" Caster squeaked.
Assassin snorted. "Can I kill this dweeb for starters? I gotta the impression he's someone's Master..."
"Tch, you could do better, babe..."
Caster began strangling him again.
"Assassins are supposed to be stealthy and sneaky, " Caster lamented, burying her face into her hands. "And this brute couldn't be stealthy if his life depended on it! Ah! Why me? What have I done wro— Fine, so I have done a lot of wrong, but still, that is not an excuse for—- Huh?"
Since the sounds of untold carnage and the explosions had stopped, Caster risked looking between her eyes to see Assassin forcing the whole of Emiya Shirou up some part of Saber Caster had never thought could—- Oh, Gods, she was going to be ill...
On the other hand, maybe this Assassin wouldn't be such a complete bust.
"How have ya called me, Clyde?" Assassin snorted, giving Gilgamesh a truly vicious glare.
He only smirked widely, with a fist on a hip. "Mongrel!"
Assassin looked at Caster. "What the frag does that mean?"
"It means he's calling you a filthy, lowly, motherf****ing, unruly, miserable dog. Not like I can fully disagree with him..." Caster said coldly.
"What the frag!" Assassin roared, looking back at Gilgamesh. "Why would ya call me a motherf****er, ya dweeb! Are you sayin' I have bad taste on women? Like hell I'd ever sleep with a hag as ugly as my old woman!"
Gilgamesh smiled in a way that could be called truly insane with glee. "Come forth, stupid beast! I'll kick you back to the scumhole you crawled from!"
Assassin pulled out two guns almost as big as himself, both labeled REALLY HEAVY THERMONUCLEAR FRAG. "You asked for it, Girly-Man!"
The ensuing sequence was just too graphic and explosive to portray it here.
I am unbound at last! the tainted Grail said, hovering with such a blinding brightness Caster had to look aside, covering her eyes. You fools! By 'winning', you have merely damned your world to an eternity of—
"Hey, Cuppy, " Assassin greeted it casually. "Nice ta find ya at last. Not like I care an iota about what happens to this slimeball ya dweebs call a planet, but while in that Throne of Heroes brothel thing, and lemme tell ya that's the boringest whore house I've ever been at, some of the bitches hired me to repay ya on a few things they went thru..."
The Grail focused its attention on Assassin for a moment, then gasped. Oh, no. It couldn't possibly be you! How comes, what is this I don't even—
Assassin lit a cigar on the power the Grail was radiating, took two puffs, and aimed a particularly large, even for his standards, hand cannon on the (un)blessed cup. "Somethin' from the boys, man."
He pressed the trigger. For a few moments, Caster truly thought the world had stopped existing.
Perhaps she was right.
"Well, with that, I take my leave of this mudball! 'Bout damn time, too!" Assassin said, hopping on the space bike he had built himself after pillaging through the remains of Shirou's workshop. "Gotta be some real jobs to pull out there..."
"Um, aren't you going back to—" Caster reluctantly asked.
"Where, the Throne of Heroes? HAW! Nah, it explicitly told me it didn't want me back, ever! Well, good luck, babe! Never let be said the Main Man left a customer unsatisfied!" And he took up towards space. "YEEE-HAAAAA! The night's still young, and I'm still not sated...!"
Kuzuki blinked, staring up, way up, at the bike becoming a speck in the night sky. He and Caster stood in the middle of the wreckage blanketed by ash that used to be Fuyuki City. "I wonder what had him killed in the first place..." he blandly mused.
"Forget that!" Caster giggled nervously, hugging his arm. "Now we can start thinking about the honeymoon, can't we?"
A bleeding head of one Matou Shinji popped out of the ruins. "... Medic?"
Caster kicked him back down.
Ilyasviel stood in blinking stupor before the Servant she had just brought upon the world. It was definitely female, with murderous bloodshot eyes, short brown hair, and a long wooden sword in her right hand. "Not even a real sword?" the albino child groaned. "What kind of miserable Saber is this—"
The woman took her head back and let out a furious cry of "GGGRRRROAAAARRR!"
That, coupled with her striped attire, made Ilya blink again, overcome by an idea. "Ah!" she said. "Just like a Tiger...!"
Growing suddenly even angrier, the Servant lunged ahead and sank her teeth on Ilya's head. "AHH! GET OFF ME! GET OFF ME, YOU!"
The elders of the Eizbern family, who had been watching upon them, looked at each other and shared sage dead glares.
"A Berserker, most definitely."
"Looks even harder to control than the average..."
Shirou stared at the enemy Servant. "You know, I can't shake the feeling I have met this woman before..."
"GGGGRRRRRROOOOAAAAARRRRRR!" Berseker charged ahead, her bokken meeting Saber's sword.
"Incredible!" Saber gasped. "Such striking power behind such a feeble weapon...!"
"Hee hee heee!" Ilya giggled. "Onii-chan, your proud lion is no match for my devastating Tiger... OUCH! OUCH! LEMME GO ALREADY, BERSERKER! THEY'RE YOUR ENEMIES, NOT MEEEE!"
"... Reminds me of someone even more now, but who...?" Shirou tried to remember.
Saber watched how Berserker finished her angry biting of her Master's head by tossing her across the street like a ragdoll. "I miss the Fourth War already."
"Come on, final Servant!" Gilgamesh challenged her. "Show me that power that vanquished every other Servant! Show me this miserable age still has something to offer me!"
Berserker tilted her head aside, puzzled. "Rowr?"
Gilgamesh gestured for her. "Hah! Is this the best this War could produce? Such a stupid female with so little fighting spirit? Come closer, wench! Make your death even faster!"
Berserker scratched her head. "Rrrrr?"
Gilgamesh frowned. "Are you mocking me, lowly creature? Mongrel! Decadent beast! Idiotic piece of living trash! Waste of flesh! You... you...!"
Shirou came close to him and whispered something into his ear.
Gilgamesh raised an eyebrow. "Tiger?"
Berserker's eyes flashed madly. "ROAR!"
And so, with the Fifth War finished and the tainted Grail destroyed after a poor choice of words on its part, Counter Guardian FUJIMURA walked into the light, to the Great Unknown. Nothing is known of what became of her after that, but her heroic deeds will always be remembered, for such is the ferocious and courageous legacy of the Tiger of Fuyuki, who OH GOD, GOD, SORRY, I'M SO SORRY, I WON'T EVER CALL YOU THAT AGAIN!
"Um, yeh, well, " Ryuunosuke scratched his head, staring oddly at the tiny man in the suit and bowler suit floating before him. "I don't understand it too well, but if you help me kill lots and lots of people, I will help you with that Grail thing, okay?" He pointed to the last living child in the room, who was tied to a chair, sobbing and crying. "Hey, what if you start with that brat over there?"
Caster looked, aghast, at the tiny boy, then back at Ryuunosuke. "You must be joking..."
Ryuunosuke frowned. "Look around you, man. Does it look like I've been joking here so far?"
Caster took his first actual good long look at the horrors of the room around him, and let out a high pitched, cartoony girly shriek. "AAAAAIIIIIIEEEEE! No, no, no, I'm not going with this! I'm in Mischievous Trickster mode, not in Cosmic Horror mode! What do you think this is, Whatever Happened to The Man of Tomorrow?"
"What?" Ryuunosuke asked.
With a snap of his fingers, Caster turned him into a potted plant, then summoned a goat and gently pushed it towards the plant. "Bon appetite." He turned back around and sighed. Giving the readers a side glance, he warned, "You tell anyone I did a good deed, and you die, hear me?"
Then he snapped his fingers again, and all the slaughtered children across the room revived, coming back together from their pieces in a flash, and blinking and stumbling around cluelessly. Caster looked at the child in the chair and rubbed his own chin. "Hmmmm. I guess you'll do as my new Master." With a wave of a hand, he made the Command Seals appear on the boy's hand. "What's your name, kiddo?"
The boy hiccupped. "N-N-Nobita... Nobi Nobita..."
Caster gave the writer another, harsher look. "Cute, OM. Very cute! What do I look like, a blue robot cat from the future?"
"Huh?" Nobita babbled.
"Nothing! Forget it! Now let's just go, Master! We've got a Grail War to win! With my ultra-super-duper-extra-hyper awesome phenomenal cosmic 5D powers, it should be a cakewalk...!"
"— KLTPZXYM, KLTPZXYM, KLTPZXYM!" he said, fists at his sides, face red with anger. "See? SEE?-! I could say it, you witless human! Of course I— Oh, poo, " he gritted his teeth as he vanished with a loud 'POP!'. "YOU'LL REGRET THIS, KIRITSUGU EMIYA!"
Saber was blinking. "How... How could you even know that would..."
Emiya sighed. "I'm the Goddamn Magus Killer, " he said, although with no emotion at all on his voice. He looked at Nobita. "You can go home now, boy."
Nobita blinked as well. "Can I...? I'm going home!-! HOORAY!" he cried out, gleefully running for the street, where he was promptly ran over by a truck.
With another weary sigh, Kiritsugu looked at Saber. "Now, Saber, destroy the Holy Grail. Quickly!"
"Eh?-!" the Servant gasped. "But, but that is—!"
Another imp, this one wearing a Batman costume, popped into existence next to her. "Yes, Saber, you must! Otherwise, we'll never have Fate/stay night! Or Hollow Ataraxia! The infamous H-scenes with awkward seafood metaphors! Your threesome with Shirou and Rin! The hilarious 'die when you're killed' meme! The Sader Chinese figurines! Shadow Crystal Mage's Holy Grail of 2814! The Artist and the Faker! I Put on my Robe and Wizard Hat! Fate Stay Away! More than half of Carnival Phantasm! Berser-car! The millionth subplot of Unequally Rational and Emot—"
At the mention of the latest item in the list, Saber growled and slammed her sword on the mite's head. "NO! NOT THAT MINDLESS DRIVEL! NEVER!"
Her crow demon blood, diluted as it was, had allowed Sakurazaki Setsuna live far longer than she had expected. Far longer than her Ojou-sama, as a matter of fact, but somehow, she managed to cope and go on with her life. She still looked no older than fifty by her eighties, when she joined the Negi Springfield Memorial Association, after the fall of the Clock Tower.
Her first mission there, which she got because of her huge prestige, was investigating the new and technically impossible new Grail War brewing at Fuyuki. There, predictably enough, the technically impossible happened. But Setsuna could never imagine the kind of impossible it would be.
Now, as the three Command Seals burned on the back of her hand, she watched, wide eyed, at the figure rising before her. A ghost from a past she had never expected to return.
The same frilly dress. The same glasses. The same saintly, sweet smile. The same bright eyes.
"I am Servant Saber! I ask of you, are you my..."
And then, much to Setsuna's ever growing horror...
"AHHHHH! IT'S YOU!-!"
It had been a truly orgasmic scream of raw delight.
From that night the end of her life, Setsuna never could explain herself why her first and only Command Spell hadn't been "Kill yourself now!"
It would have been the sane thing to do, after all...
"Ah ha ha ha!" Amagasaki Chigusa, well, laughed. Duh. "Behold my Servant, Berserker! Tremble before him, the revived Ryomen Suku—"
"Huh, maybe that wasn't such a good idea," one of the minor demons commented.
"Yeah. Shoulda tried to summon him the old fashioned way, " another minor demon said.
The first demon scratched his butt. "Say, wanna take a night tour of Kyoto before we go?"
"I am Servant Saber, " the short girl with the unruly black hair in twin long braids told Tokiha Mai, very seriously, standing over her, with a truly gigantic sword resting in a hand. Mai calculated it had to be bigger than the girl herself, and probably bigger than Mai as well. But it was difficult saying for sure, what with the angle and the panic gripping her heart and all that. "Are you my Master...?"
"Ah..." Mai said, very eloquently. "If I'm your Master, you won't cut me down, right?"
"Right," the girl nodded only once.
"Right! Then yes, I'm your Master!" Mai clapped her hands and laughed very nervously. "W-What a lucky girl I am! I mean, we both are! Now... could you please point that thing another way?"
"Yes," the girl said, pointing the giant of a blade away from Mai. Then she fell to her knees before her, as if to worship her, with her forehead touching the dusty floor. "Please take good care of Saber, Master-sama."
"Oh, sheesh..." Mai sighed to herself. Explaining this to Takumi was going to be a real bitch.
"Hello! It's a-me, Servant Rider!" the short and portly Italian man in overalls greeted him happily, beaming a white-toothed smile under his thick black mustache. "Are you-a my Master-a?"
Sonic the Hedgehog blinked at the strange creature, then looked sideways with a highly annoyed expression. "Oh, yeah, I get it! Very, very funny!"
Gilgamesh sighed as he saw Rider summoning his steed. Honestly, in his time, men rode real dragons with terrifying wide wings and flame breathing jaws armed with lines and lines of fangs. What kind of ridiculous reptile was this foolish mongrel—
Then he got an egg on the face.
"TA-TA-TA-TA-TAA!" Ilya's Servant barked loud and bestially, foaming off the mouth and charging ahead. "PUPPY POWER...!"
After a blink or two, Saber stopped him with a foot, and not even bothering to use her sword at all, she kicked him over the horizon line.
Ilya sobbed angrily. "I knew we should have gone after Lancer first!"
As Bazett lied in the darkness gasping for air, she saw a new figure standing before her. He obviously was not Kirei or Lancer. But he was definitely male, even if... rather pink.
He smiled down at her. "Hey, you. Do you want to live?" he asked.
"Ahhh..." Bazett coughed, trying to push herself up on her elbows. For some reason, it was working. She felt herself slightly stronger now, impulsed by a renewed drive to continue. "Yes..."
"Then rejoice!" the man said, voice full of boister. "I'm Servant Avenger, and I'll single handledy win this Grail War for you!"
A Servant. She barely could believe it. Through her mere will to live, she had pulled off the miracle of summoning another Servant. She still had hope. She still could win, and most importantly, keep existing...
The man was easier to see now. He looked oddly similar to that Steven Seagal actor from cinema, with a wide confident grin, and was barefoot, wearing a pink gi with a black belt. He struck a highly ridiculous pose and yelled, with a laughable tone that was incredibly pompous, "Driven by my revenge! Fated to win by my awesomeness! Servant Avenger is here! With you, my Master, at my side, and the power of the SAIKYOOOOOOOO GROOVE!"
Bazett's will to live plummeted back down.
"NOBLE PHANTASM!" Archer shouted. "TIRO FINALE!"
"What—!" Ilya cried out before the awe-inspiring lineup of infinite muskets covered the sky above and opened fire, culminating with the blond, busty Servant finishing the attack with a single gigantic shot from an oversized gun. "AHHHH—!" Ilya cried as she was tossed back, far away from the roaring Berserker.
"We... We did it!" Rin cried as the area was covered by thick smoke, and Berserker's roars died down. "Good job, Archer!"
Her Servant smiled beatifically and fixed the princess curls around her head. "Thank you, Master. I'm glad to have lived to your expecta— Oh. No."
The smoke was dissipating now, and in the middle of the wreckage, Berserker still stood, eyes glowing red.
"Yaaaaayyy Berserker..." Ilya groggily cheered, her eyes made spirals as she lied on her back.
The giant, with another fierce growl, lunged ahead and grabbed Archer before she could escape, holding her steady as he opened his jaws above her, as far as they could go.
Archer blinked for a moment, and then groaned, "Why does it always end this way?"
And the giant chomped her head off.
"And this is the catalyst?" Kariya asked dubiously, looking at the small vial full of thick, dark blood at the middle of the room.
Zouken smirked maliciously. "Yes. It's the blood of the greatest hero of history, the most powerful defender mankind has known. Picked from the scene of his final battle against his deadliest adversary. He he he heh!" he laughed evilly, no doubt delighted by the idea of corrupting such a champion for his own goals. "With him at our side, we cannot lose, Kariya!"
Swallowing his disgust back, Kariya began the summoning ritual.
When it was done, he stood, not before the man they had expected to see, but before a gray giant with skin that seemed to be made of craggy stone. His wild hair was white, and there were bony, sharp protusions all over his muscled body, especially the shoulders and face. And odd as his appearance was, the most confusing thing about it was, in Kariya's horrified opinion, the tight shorts and thick boots he was wearing. Since such savage possibly couldn't have put on those clothes himself, who had ever done it for him? A question most likely better never answered.
The brute raised his fists and roared madly. "RRRAAARRRGHH! METHRRPLSSSH! SSSP-RRRMANNNNN!"
Faintly, Kariya looked back at Zouken. "They-They picked the wrong samples of blodd from the site!"
After a moment of contemplation, Zouken shrugged. "Eh. He'll do."
After carefully studying the Servants and Masters involved in the War he was supposed to overview, he reached a conclusion.
"Noble Phantasm! World Coverage!"' he called out.
All across the world, TV screens began showing his face, and his speech.
"In the normal course of events, Rulers come to this Chamber to report on the state of the Holy Grail War. Tonight, no such report is needed. It has already been delivered by the American people..."
It went on.
"Our war on terror begins with the Yggdmillennia, but it does not end there. It will not end until every Magus terror group of global reach has been found, stopped, and defeated..."
"Fellow citizens, we'll meet violence with patient justice, assured of the rightness of our cause and confident of the victories to come. In all that lies before us, may The Root grant us wisdom, and may It watch over the United States of America.""Thank you."
Then he summoned his second Noble Phantasm. "WAR ON TERROR!"
Hundreds and hundreds of war airplanes armed to the brim began appearing in the skies over Turifas, Transylvania. The gathered Masters and Servants began looking up in disbelief.
"My word!" Black Lancer said.
"..." Black Berserker said.
"Daddy!" Red Saber eeped as the bombs began raining down...
"And so, after yesterday's unexplained and complete devastation of a whole county of the Transylvanian region, the government of Romania demands explanations from the United States of America. Tensions are reaching an all new high point at the United Nations, and the stakes keep rising while hostilities and distrust on a very high rise, all negotiations so far failing to explain or provide an agreement between the concerned nations on the world on this subject. Protesters around the UN building demand for a solution, already fearing for a Third World War on the making.."
Ilyasviel coughed the dust in her mouth and pushed some debris off her small but surprisingly resistant body. She groaned, rubbing her aching head. Apparently, something had gone wrong during the summoning. Instead of getting Heracles, she got... something bigger. Far bigger. So big, as a matter of fact, its mere presence there was enough to shatter the Einzbern castle from the inside.
But what, or who—
The all encompassing roar from above caught Ilya's attention, and she looked up, way up, and her heart soared. There it was, the beast born from the heat of radiation in the distant fifties. The legendary and feared scourge of Japan. The King of Monsters.
And it was hers now.
Ilya placed her small fists under her chin and cooed a single delighted word.
Then it stepped on her.
"Dude," Ryuunosuke finally said. "You have a fishbowl on your head."
The newcomer shot him an annoyed glare, or at least, his posture and body language conveyed that despite the fact you couldn't see his face. "It's a helmet. Say it's a fishbowl ever again and I'll kill you, whether you are my Master or not. On that subject, I suppose I should ask, just to meet the formalities of this act, are you my Master?"
"Ah?" Ryuunosuke blinked. "I don't know... Yeah, I guess so, since I summoned you. You're a demon from Hell, aren't you?"
There was a dry and humorless chuckle from behind the fishbowl, as the stranger twirled his long cape. "I can be one, if you want me to." And his appearance suddenly changed to that of a towering, slobbering red beast with horns.
"Cool!" Ryuunosuke said. "Then you can help me kill as many people as I want, hell, everyone in this city if I wished so?"
The man dropped the illusion, deeply amused by how easily he had fooled the dim witted foreigner. "Is that your wish for the Holy Grail? I suppose it's rather petty, and you don't really need the Grail for that. I may not be as blood thirsty as others in my line of job, either of them, actually, but I certainly have enough talent to arrange for the destruction of a city, given enough time..."
"Way cool!" Ryuunosuke rubbed his hands. "I like you already, man! So what's your name?"
"You can call me Servant Caster."
"Oh, c'mon. That can't be your real name. No demon from the pit would call himself that!"
"Oh, Master. My birth name, or any other name I may have been given at any point, holds no interest for you. Besides, it's better if our relationship, like those of all good screen duos, has some mysterious element to it, wouldn't you agree?"
NEXT: Don Quixote! Black Mage! The Wolfman! And more!