Fate Stay Night and all related elements and characters are the property and creation of Type-Moon and Kinoko Nasu, and the author of this set of short pieces has made no material profit from it, and never will do.

Similarly, all non-Fate characters mentioned here are the properties of their respective copyright holders.

Any non-parodic, non-totally safe similarity between the characters and events of these ministories and anyone or anything ever actually seen in real life is a pure coincidence. For real!

No, I don't hate Nobita. But he makes for a good Butt Monkey.

This chapter, a lot of good fellas from the TV Tropes boards showed interest on writing more of these snippets, so rejoice! At the end of this chapter, you'll get to read a lot of material from people who are far better writers than me!

Read. Review. Please. PLEASE!

The first chapter's Servants:

Assassin- Lobo (DC Comics).

Berserker- Fujimura Taiga (Fate Stay Night).

Caster- Mr. Myxzptlk (Superman).

Saber- Tsukuyomi (Mahou Sensei Negima).

Berserker- Ryomen Sukuna no Kami (Mahou Sensei Negima).

Saber- Minagi Mikoto (Mai HiME).

Rider- Mario (Super Mario Bros.)

Berserker- Scrappy Doo (Scooby Doo).

Avenger- Hibiki Dan (Street Fighter).

Archer- Tomoe Mami (Madoka Magica).

Berserker- Doomsday (The Death of Superman).

Ruler- The Former President of 'A' Country. :P

Berserker- Godzilla (Godzilla).

Caster- Mysterio (Spider-Man).



In the end, everything worked out wonderfully, much to Shirou's relief. Saber would stay alive, with them, as Rin's familiar. Of course, to properly supply her with prana, Rin's would need daily... nocturnal assistance, so she moved in with Shirou and Saber. And they lived happily ever after, once Saber finally left the trauma of her past life behind.

Although she at times still called Shirou 'Negi' and Rin 'Kono-chan' during recharges.


"Behold!" Ilya cried triumphally, as her Servant materialized besides her. "My Servant, Berserker!"

Saber's defensive stand grew even tenser, her eyes narrowing as she looked carefully at the young man. He did the same.

Shirou, however, was puzzled. "Is that a Berserker? I was expecting for something a bit more... savage?"

He didn't look that much older than Shirou himself, actually, making Emiya wonder if he had died young or was another one of those long lived eternally young types. He was lean and vital, and while he was far from being scrawny, he didn't match the image of a hulking brute Shirou thought of when he heard the word 'Berserker'. Truth be told, while he stood in a very manly way, there was something about him that seemed girl to Shirou. Maybe it was that braid.

"Zip your lip up, " the young man grumbled at Shirou. He looked carefully at the blond girl before him, who was giving him odd, uncomfortable tomboy vibes. Why did it always have to be angry tomboys? He'd rather be fighting something nice and likable like, perhaps an unbeatable demigod. "I'm a Berserker, got a problem with that? Do you think I'd go around boasting about being in a class not my own?"

Well, he was rude, but not Berserker enough in Shirou's opinion.

Ilya humphed angrily, her cheeks puffing up. "Of course he's a Berserker! And I'll prove it, Oniichan! MAAAAAD ENHANCEMEEEEENT...!" she said...

... pulling a kitten out of her handbag and tossing it at Berserker's face. As if Berserker's face was a magnet for cats, the animal clutched to it and didn't let go.

"AHHHH! CAT CAT CAT CAT CAT CAT! CAT!-!-!" Berserker cried, flailing his arms around...

... right before suddenly dropping on all fours and hissing bestially. It was a voice devoid of any human traces now.

Then he jumped on the confused Saber.

Things only went downhill from there.

Magical Girl.

"Hee hee hee hee!" Ilya giggled as the smoke from the summon slowly went down. "At last! I have summoned the mighty Servant with the msot compatibility with me! With this, not only I'll get the Holy Grail, but I'll give Shirou Oniichan a double dose of-"

Then her words were left hanging as the smoke dissipated, and she was looking at a face identical to her own. Attached to a body like her own, but wearing a fancy pink and white dress with a dangerously short skirt. And holding a pink staff with wings in a hand.

The other albino broke the silence. "So, um, I suppose you are my Master?"

Magical Girl.

"Hee hee hee hee!" Ilya giggled as the smoke from the summon slowly went down. An annoyed Magical Girl sat behind her. "Never mind! I have enough prana to keep even two Servants!The first attempt was a dud, but this time I'll finally summon the Servant of my dreams! Ah, here it comes! It's... It's..."

As the smoke vanished, another girl, this one with dark hair and wearing a species of purple and black unitard with tall boots, stood before them. She held a staff similar to Magical Girl's, but blue.

"Ah!" Magical Girl brightened. "Miyu-chan!"

The second Magical Girl blinked, looked at her, then looked at the open mouthed Ilya, and then her nose leaked blood.

Magical Girl.

"Hee hee hee hee!" Ilya giggled as the smoke from the summon slowly went down, although the giggle was very forced and stiff down, and her eyebrows twitched insanely. "Third time's the charm! I have so, so much prana, even now I can keep THREE Servants! And I'm sure this time I got the best, most powerful, most favorable to my inclinations and goals Servant ever, my true twin soul, my soulmate, my... my..."

As the smoke disappeared, Ilya found herself facing another exact copy of her, but this one had dark skin, sharper and brighter eyes, and a lewd, unnerving smile on her face. Her outfit was even skimpier than the two others'.

Magical Girl and Magical Girl facepalmed.

The third Magical Girl looked around at all of them, savoring the sights with perverse glee, before licking her lips up and down, slow and sensually.

"Why, hello. I am Servant Magical Girl at your complete beck and call... Master..." she purred.

Ilya's head hung down. "I give up. Let's just go to Japan already. I'm sure we'll kill Oniichan one way or another."

Three protesting yells of "EEEEEEHHHHH!" ensued.


Kuzuki was finding this young woman to be particularly strange.

Found alone in the rain, nearly dying and asking him to make a contract of sorts with her. Then telling him an elaborate, complicated story on being a 'Servant' for a 'Holy Grail War' and explaining a long set of related rules even though it was clear, as she spoke, she wasn't placing too much stock on those rules herself. Her tone was that of a skeptic, of that there was no doubt.

But then the other Servants started showing up around the temple, looking to kill them. Or claiming to want for a truce of sorts in this War he apparently had gotten himself involved into. Since two of those claiming they wanted to talk were his students Emiya and (although reluctantly) Tohsaka, he had been tempted to agree, but Caster had stopped him from doing so.

Then the problems had really started.

When the Servants started coming after them in full force, Caster proved her resourcefulness at keeping them back, at the very least. For someone calling herself a Caster, she showed no magic skills, and claimed having none, but even so, she had a high skill for developing plans and traps to stop and stall their enemies, and to gather information on them. Kuzuki had helped her with his assassin skills, noting it was slightly strange how he, good as he was, could even put dents on such mythical warriors. Along the way, he once asked Caster who had taught her how to make a whole temple an unescapable masive trap. She only shrugged and said she had picked up from an old friend.

Even so, eventually it wasn't enough. Surrounded from all sides, and with a new, fearsome enemy in golden armor showing up out of nowhere and more than willing to kill them, Caster had to play her ultimate card.

"Reality Marble! End of the Mystery!"

Then, for some reason, police cars had arrived, encircling the temple. "Crap, we've been found out! I told you guys this was a bad idea!" Emiya said, already dropping to his knees and putting his hands behind his neck.

Kuzuki stared with a neutrally shocked, flatly impressed, expression as the police began handcuffing the other Masters and Servants one by one.

Caster smiled at him, rearranging her glasses on her freckled face. "It's simple, Kuzuki-sensei. This 'Grail War' has been an elaborate ruse to wrestle the Ryuudouji Temple away from you. You'll see, the real reason for the Fuyuki Fires of ten years ago was there are large amounts of oil, gas and other valuable resources under Fuyuki, but they all are highly unstable and dangerous, except for those located under the temple. The influential Einzbern, Tohsaka and Matou families all wanted your temple, as well as the Fujimura Yakuza, but they knew you weren't the easily scared type, so they resorted to this complex hoax to try and scare you away."

"... Well, " Kuzuki said, unblinking at the outrageously bogus story. "However, as for all those spells and magical attacks..."

"State of the art holograms and special effects, " Caster said.

Kuzuki looked questioningly at where Berserker was being held by several police agents. "What about that monster? There's no way he can be human."

"Of course he is..." Caster walked over to Berserker to pull his face away, revealing the angry face of Fujimura Taiga under it. "... or should I say 'she'? As your colleague, and heiress of the Fujimura Gang, Tiger-sensei knew enough about you to coordinate this whole attack. She's been the mastermind behind this the whole time!"

"Yes! Yes, it was me!" Taiga roared. "And I'd have gotten away with it if not for you, Kuzuki, and your meddling Servant! AND DON'T CALL ME TIGER...!"

Caster smiled kindly at him.

"..." Kuzuki said before asking, just as emotionless as before, "And you...?"

"Oh, jinkies, no, I just happened to... be passing around, and... I played along. Yes. That's it. There's no more to it. After all, " she half-sighed for a moment, "There's no way things like magic can be real, is there?"

She bowed for him and began walking away, looking slightly melancholic as she disappeared into the night.

The last thing he heard from her was a whisper to herself, "It just doesn't end the same without the dog making a lame wisecrack..."


"When do you want to die?" the new presence in the room asked Bazett. "Right now? Tomorrow? The day after tomorrow?"

Bazett wheezed, gasping for air as best as she could. "What? I don't— I don't understand, I can't think—"

The woman's voice was cold, unforgiving. "I am Servant Avenger. And I'm willing to accept you as my Master. But only if you want to live, even if only for killing in revenge. Who did this to you?"

"A man... named Kirei... I trusted him..."

"It's always a man you trust, " the tall, Caucasian woman with long light hair said. Her eyes were jaded and dead, and her slim body was clad in a dirty yellow jumpsuit. There was a sharp Hattori Hanzo blade in her right hand. "Do you accept this contract with me?"

Bazett still couldn't understand all that well why that was happening, or exactly what it was compared to her summon of Lancer, but the word still came to her lips by itself. "Yes..."

The Avenger took her by a hand, helping her to stand back. "Then don't waste any time. This is a chance from your God, the way I see it. When fortune smiles on something as violent and ugly as revenge, it seems proof like no other, that not only does God exist, you're doing His will."

And she gave Bazett something vaguely similar to a smile.

"It's time to Kill Kirei."


Surrounded by Saber, Shirou, Archer, Rin, and the Mysterious Newly Arrived Golden Servant Boss after 100 chapters of the Templus Magicus arc, Caster played his final card.

"Reality Marble! Kodansha and Fandom-Screwing Abrupt Ending!" the thin, frail looking obviously Japanese man with dark hair and glasses shouted.

"What... What is this? Shirou! Look out—!" Saber yelled as the Marble engulfed the whole area of the Temple...

When the world around them had returned to a semblance of normality, the Mysterious Golden Servant Boss was defeated and twitching on the ground. "D-D-Defeated... and offscreen?-! And I couldn't even explain who I was... What manner of sorcery is thiiiiiiii—" he gurgled before disappearing.

Saber looked down at herself. "Ah! In the span of this lost time, I have become a cute waitress with fake cat ears and a tail who can't fight anymore without jobbing!"

Rin also looked down at herself. "I've become... a flight assistant. Huh, so that was my real dream all along. Who woulda thought it... certainly not me..."

Caster laughed, taking a gulp from his liquor bottle. "Ha ha! My Sudden Cancellation Reality Marble uses a Time Skip to cut your active fighting lives to unsatisfying absurd ends that nonetheless play as cheerful and happy! Huh, but where's Emiya-kun? He seems to have disappeared altogether... Well, the Marble does that at times, like it did to Anya, and the Fatettes, and the Gravekeeper, and—"

Archer just chuckled, completely unaffected. "Hm hm hm hm! Well played, but it won't work with me! I already am the result of an unshown, vague and nebulous Time Skip!-!"

"Curses!" Caster said as Archer charged to him. "Ah well, who cares. I'd prefer being an editor than a Servant anyway..."

The following scene was edited out to avoid even further accusations of Real Person Bashing.


"Damn it!" Archer growled as he examined his broken arm, while the living roaring whirlwind of a Servant tossed Saber and Shirou around and Ilyasviel laughed his albino ass off. "Rin, what kind of creature is that Berserker? I have a hunch I should know him from somewhere, but I just can't..."

"Same thing here," Rin said, furiously flipping through a book on general Ancient and Modern Mythology and Remarkable Legendary, Mythological and Fictional Figures. Second Edition. "Also, I don't know why, but I keep having this nagging feeling we should have watched more TV when we were... Ah! Here it is! Let's see, voracious savage from the island of... Jaws like a trap of steel, boundless stamina, monstrous appetite... Eats Sabers, Avengers, other Berserkers, Riders, Magical Girls, Beasts, Saviors, Matous, True Apostols, Neco Arcs, Casters, bunny rabbits, ducks, witches, Puella Magi, Incubators, Green Lanterns, Assassins, Lancers, Church Executors, killers for hire, Sailor Senshi, crocodiles, alligators, Democrats, Republicans, Ishiharas, mangaka, editors, animators, voice actors, road runners, coyotes, turtles, tortoises, ninja turtles, vampires, Darkstalkers, warthogs and meerkats, lions, tigers, bears, oh my, Edelfedts, well it can't be so bad, Yuri fans, Yaoi fans, Het fans, Segata Sanshiro, cowboys, space aliens, samurai, ninja, pirates, robots, zombies, ghosts, Ninja Pirate Zombie Robots, Monsters, Temptresses, giant mecha pilots, giant mecha, Twilight fans, cats, dogs, catdogs, penis worms..."

Archer forced a half-smile. "Well, at least he doesn't eat Tohsakas and Archers."

"Excuse me, Oniichan, Oneesan, " Ilya walked up behind them and flipped the page, pointing at where it read in huge letters AND ESPECIALLY TOHSAKAS AND ARCHERS! "See?"

"Well, shit, " Archer said as Berserker turned his attention to them.

"RAZZA RAZZA BLRARGH BLRRARGHH RARRRGGHH ARGH ROARRA RADDA RADDA WAZZA!" he waved his arms over his head before spinning at breakneck speed towards Archer.

The tanned Servant readied his blades as best as he could. "I knew I should have taken that left turn at the Moon Cell!"


"Are you my Servant, the Beast of Revelation?" she asked him, with a beautiful, melodic voice like that of an angel. "The prophesized Great Evil foretold to end the world, bringing upon a perfect age of eternal darkness?"

"Yeah, that'd be me, " the Servant said gruffly. He was so much taller than the petite and waif-like girl he towered over. His skin was bright red, and he had a long tail. He wore black pants and a long brown coat, under which he was shirtless, hard pectorals on display. Two sawed off stubs of what once had been horns protruded from his forehead. His right hand was quite bigger than the left one, and seemed to be made of thick rock. There were several gun holders around his waist. "Who wants to know?"

"I am your Master, Sajyou Manaka, " she smiled kindly at him. "I summoned you so you could help me fulfill my dream."

She told him everything about her life, and he listened with silent attention, not missing a word. He didn't flinch when she mentioned with great detail killing her own father, or planning to destroy mankind, or planning for her sister's demise, or being once betrayed and killed by her horrified Servant, the Saber, or being revived by the unholy power of the cursed Grail.

When she finished her story and smiled again at him, waiting for his praise and approval, he only said, "Well. History repeats itself, doesn't it?"

And faster than she could react, he drew and shot her through the head.

He wasn't that shocked when she didn't die immediately. "Sorry, " he said, not sounding actually regretful at all. "But I washed my hands off that whole Beast of Apocalypse nonsense gig long ago. Tough luck."

For a moment, her lips moved as if giving the command seal order for him to kill himself, but then she realized it made no difference either way. Instead, she asked, "Betraying and being betrayed. That's what my whole fate is about, isn't it?"

He shrugged. "Couldn't happen to a better girl."

And he stomped on her skull.


"I'm Servant Saber! Hey, are you my Master?"

Rin blinked, perplexed. Well, she had gotten herself a Saber like she wanted, but even so, this wasn't what she had been expecting for.

Saber was just a boy two or three years younger than her, wearing a stupid looking white cloth hat of sorts that covered his hair and the sides of his face, with blue shorts and a lighter blue T-shirt. The sword he carried had a handle shaped like a root, and his eyes were very small, like black dots. On top of that, he seemed to have no nose.

"Uh..." Rin doubted. "Yes, yes, I am. However, before we can establish our contract, I ask of you; what is your real name?"

He smiled very proudly and slammed a fist on his chest. "I'm Finn the Human! Champion of Ooo! Last of the humans! You're a Princess, aren't you? No, don't tell me, let me guess... Princess Twintails? Princess Sweater? Princess Tall Socks?"

"I'm no princess. My name is Tohsaka Rin, " she dryly told him, wondering what she had done to deserve that. She'd be the Grail War's laughingstock. And even worse, Luvia's. "And I'm a human, by the way, so you can't be the last one."

The boy gave her a shocked stare. "You are?-!"

"Yes! Of course I am! This world is full of humans! How couldn't you know that? You're supposed to know something as basic as— Hey, are you listening to me?"

Saber's eyes were inflating up to really wet and creepy levels, his hands on his cheeks. "A whole world full of humans...! Oh, this is so cool...! Although you really don't look human to me."

"You are the one who doesn't look human at all!" Rin snapped.

But he turned out to be, after all, a very good and brave boy.

Even now she was old and gray, Rin thought fondly of him. At times, even missed him.

But every adventure must end at some time.


Morisato Keiichi didn't ever have a lot of good days, but this one was turning out as one of the definitely worst ones of his life. Waking up trapped in an academy where everyone was disappearing at his left and right, then learning people actually was dying because they all had been sucked into some sort of giant virtual reality computer game where you fought to the death with summoned historical figures. Or something like that. It was very confusing, and Keiichi's brain was half-fried by this point.

Only because of that, he could have thought he'd stand a chance of escape and survival if he called 911 for help. Which he did.

"Hello!" a kind female voice told him from the other end of the line. "You have contacted the Divine Help Service Line! We'll be sending you a Servant shortly!"

"Eh? What? Wait, don't joke with me!" Keiichi gasped. "I'm serious, don't hang on... me..."

The words had barely left his mouth when the floor before him was glowing in blinding white, and from it, a slender and curvaceous figure in an impossibly elaborate and rich white and blue dress rose, floating eye level with him. The also impossibly beautiful young woman opened her clear blue eyes and smiled saintly at him.

"Hello!" she said. "I am Servant Caster! I ask of you, are you my Master?"

So, now they were face to face with another Caster and her Master, a shy looking young woman with long brown hair. The second Caster was also very cute, although shorter and bustier than Keiichi's, and wore a dark blue kimono and sandals. Oddly, she had fox ears and a long fluffy tail, as well. And yet, the strangest thing about her was how she and Caster were looking at each other now, as if trying to remember something they couldn't quite figure out yet.

Finally, Keiichi's Caster placed her hands together and smiled brightly. "Ah! Amaterasu-chan!"

The other Caster did likewise. "It's you! Verthdandi-chan!"

And they ran to hug each other.

Keiichi blinked, then looked at the other Caster's Master. "Um, so... Does she have any sisters?"

"N-Not that I know of. Why?"

"Lucky you..." he sighed.

Urd's head peeked out from a subspace door, stinking of cheap booze to high heavens. "Hey, keep it quiet with your battle or whatever you're doing, alright? Gil-kun and me are trying to have some quiet private time here..."

Skuld came in riding on the shoulders of a rewired Frankenstein's monster. "Hey, Oneechan, look, look! I made a portal to the Apocrypha universe! I even got photos of two Draculas fighting, wanna see?"


And then the flaming skull was staring directly into Zouken's eyes, and his eyes were literally hollow windows to an unspeakable Hell.

"You have harmed my Master, my real Master, for the last time ever, " the Rider said, with a voice as burning as the air around his head. "She may have been merciful on you, but me... I am Retribution. Now, feel all the pain you have ever caused anyone!"

Then the Penance Stare drilled into him. And Zouken did not stop screaming.


"Monster is not even an actual Servant Class, " Black Lancer told the man whose body, until dawn, had been covered by hair, with cold contempt in his voice.

"It is!" the man argued. "Well, not actually, but still, some have said a creature from a realm beyond still can fight in a Grail War as a Monster, a wildcard anomaly! I don't care if I have to fight in the Red or Black faction, but I assure you I would be a valuable asset! I only can be killed with a silver bullet, I'll let you know!"

"... I shall go for some, " Gordes Musik Yggdmillennia announced, walking away.

"Yes, please!" the man said. "Anything to finish this cursed existence as a flesh eating monster! Anything! There's no risk I won't take, no challenge I won't tackle! Either I will be granted a cure with an earned wish, or a death in battle! Either way, I'll be free at last!"

"... You're pathetic, " Caules Forvedge Yggdmillennia sneered.

Black Lancer shook his head. "No. No matter what, you still aren't an actual Servant. No faction will ever take you."

"B-But you are in, and so is she!" the man then pointed at Black Berserker. "The rules of the genre say I must be in wherever both of you happen to be together!"

"No. If we take you in, we'll have to accept them as well!" Black Lancer pointed to where, standing behind the Wolfman, a mummy, a scaly creature from a tropical lagoon, a tentacled space alien and a drooling hunchback waited in line.

The Wolfman looked dejectedly at the other freaks. "Let's go with the Red Faction, friends. Maybe they'll be more accepting..."


"Natsuki?-!" Mai gasped as the figure behind the shapely, brown haired Lancer stepped out into the light, grimly serious. The small, black haired, twin braided Saber of Mai hissed like a furious cat, standing protectively before her Master. "Oh, God. Don't tell me you are a Master in this insane Grail War!"

The long haired biker sighed dryly. "As it turns out to be, you are half-right, Mai. I am Lancer's Master, indeed. However, I also am—"


"— Servant Archer!" Natsuki said, pulling her twin handguns out.

Mai blinked. "What. Okay, time out, tell me, you are her Master, even though we're a Servant too?"

Lancer nodded. "And I'm Archer's Master, too, " she said with a thick, drawling Kyoto accent.

"How in the world can that be?-!" Mai protested. "Who has ever heard of two Servants being the Masters to each other?-!"

"It's the Power of Yuri, Mai-han, " Lancer said, very seriously. "Can't you feel it as well, with your precious link between you and Saber-han?"

Saber blinked. "What's a link? It's something you eat?"

Mai ran a hand through her own hair. "Even assuming that makes any sense, it still doesn't explain who the heck summoned who first!"

"I did, of course, " Lancer said. "I am the seme in our relationship."

"That only raises even further questions!" Mai yelled.

Natsuki blushed and looked aside. "She had to be the seme. Anyone with that long and piercing a weapon just had to be—"

"I don't mean that kind of questions! And that's way too much information, even if it's only implied!" Mai screeched.

Lancer frowned a little. "Be that as it may be, Mai-han, what if we start the fight right now? Natsuki and me have a prana recharge session scheduled early tonight..."

Elsewhere, Suzushiro Haruka blinked at the just appeared girl with short red hair standing before her, lazily licking the long claws in her right hand.

"I am Servant Assassin, " the redhead announced herself. "Which one of you is my Master?"

Haruka and Yukino traded perplexed stares before Yukino pointed at Haruka. "Um, she's the Master by default!"


Saber stood there, at the middle of the park, with a vein bulging on her head as she held her ground, holding her sword. "No, I'm your opponent. Really, I am. would you just listen to me already?"

"Oh, sweet Lady Dulcinea, " Lancer said, shaking his head sadly. "Truly, the perfidious wizard who placed that spell upon you was a heartless fiend! Fooling a damsel into believing she is a knight... What a blackhearted way to have a young woman killed! I swear on my honor I will personally kill him, freeing you from his spell, as soon as I finish my duel with Saber! Have at thee, Saber!" the old looking, tall and thin Servant in the slightly clunky and rusty armor kept attacking the nearest tree.

"I'M NOT A DAMSEL!" Saber stomped a foot down. "Never before I had been so insulted! Why won't you grant me the honor of an actual battle!"

From their surveillance spot, Waver asked, holding for dear life on Rider, "S-So... how is the battle going, then...?"

Rider lowered his binoculars for a moment, thought gravelly, and finally shrugged. "Eh. He's got the spirit, at the very least..."

Beast- by I Am Not Creative Enough.

It took the Einzbern family six days to prepare their summoning. Ilya looked at what she had summoned. And she thought it was good. Therefore, she rested on the seventh day.


Shirou blinked as he looked at what the little girl had brought forward. That's when he heard the most undignified shriek of pants-shitting terror. When he turned, he saw that Saber was already halfway to the Emiya household, while careful observation showed that, in a dark corner out of the way that was almost completely invisible in the penumbra of the night, a red-clothed servant rocked back and forth.

He shared an odd look with Rin, who seemed as confused as he was. "I wonder what's got them so scared. I mean, it's just a rabbit..."

Ilya merely smiled in a frankly disturbing manner. "You should read up on your arthurian myth sometime, onii-chan."

Assassin- by Psyga 315.

"I shall end this fight in two words..." Lancer said to his opponent.

"Hmph... Really then?" Assassin smirked.



In an instant, it was Lancer that got killed in one hit.

Avenger- by Shadow Crystal Mage.

"Noble Phantasm!" the colorfully clad Servant called. "Raising the Mighty Shield!"

And all those who opposed the shield yielded. Except the German, who he punched. She looked like a Nazi…

Berserker- by Eva Unit 01.

The Einzbern had chosen, for the Fifth War, to focus on a Servant that could be controlled.

With the self awareness-reducing qualities of Mad Enhancement in mind, they chose Berserker.

No sooner had Ilyasviel finished the chant for Berserker, than half of Castle Einzbern exploded.

The Servant began, "Are you my Mas-"

Then he opened his eyes and recognized several of the faces below him.

Berserker's eyes dilated until the pupils were barely visible, as he roared, "EINZBERN!"

Ilya recognized this voice from the last War. But the anger, the anger was new.

Moreso because she couldn't see the man it was coming from. No, she was hearing it come from a giant, cutting-edge machine. A robot, with angular wings and a sword designed for splitting battleships in two.

Not really yelling at any one specific person, Berserker accused, "You, more than anyone, should understand the total hell of ten years ago, and yet you're starting up another one?!"

Rocketing into the air and tearing a giant hole in Castle Einzbern's roof in the process, the machine turned and leveled its sword at the assembled Einzbern.

Heart filled with rage, he roared, "ANOTHER WAR?!"

Berserker's mecha charged the Einzbern with a scream of absolute fury.

(OM's Notes: I had no idea whatsoever who this guy was supposed to be, so I quote Eva when asked about it: "Berserker is Shinn Asuka, from Mobile Suit Gundam SEED Destiny, and the machine is his basic Impulse Gundam").

Assassin- by Eva Unit 01.

Assassin had completely and totally annihilated every Servant he fought with.

And now, the duo of Kotomine and Assassin were prepared to erase humanity from the Earth - Kotomine for kicks, and Assassin for his goal of allowing Earth's environment to recover.

The aged warrior turned to his Master and ordered, "ANSWER ME, KIREI! THE SCHOOL OF THE UNDEFEATED OF THE EAST!"

Mirroring his Servant, Kotomine bellowed, "THE WINDS OF THE KING!"





Assassin- by Eva Unit 01.

He had coolly made his way through El-Molloi's defences almost without effort.

His path was strewn with dead familiars and slaughtered spirits.

Lancer provided a brief challenge, but Assassin ultimately took him out without taking too much damage.

"I'll ask once. When I turn my back and leave, I can trust the two of you to accept your loss and forfeit the War, correct?"

Displeased though he was, Kayneth gave his word. Given the alternative of them both being killed here, he'd rather sacrifice his pride so that Sola-Ui, at least, could be protected in the Church.

"You have my word as a Magus."

Assassin nodded, and casually brushing his hand the incensed redhead's face on the way out, turned his back to leave.

Sola-Ui immediately grabbed a knife to chase after him, crying, "You fool! For what you did to my beloved Diarmuid, I'll kill you!"

Assassin barely turned his head to face her as she stopped, and he explained.

"You cannot kill me. After all, you are already dead."

Sola-Ui's head exploded.

Caster- by Neep.

"Caster" Rin called. "I need a word with you."

"About what?" Her Servant's voice came in reply as he materialized from the air. As always, he had appeared behind her, outside her field of vision.

"Sit, " she requested, and her Servant obliged, folding his lanky frame into one of the chairs in her parlor. This left his eyes still level with hers, as her Servant was obnoxiously tall even for a Westerner.

"Caster, we need to consider the methods we're using in this Holy Grail War." Rin began to pace back and forth before her seated Servant. "Every time we have fought other Servants we've come out on top..."

"But...?" Caster inquired.

Rin began to tick points off on her fingers "Fighting Archer badly damaged the school."

"That Noble Phantasm is hard to control." Caster looked slightly sheepish. "I dropped the beat."

"Fighting Rider ended up with Ryuudo Temple on fire."

"I missed, yes."

"I'm still not sure what you did to the church when fighting Lancer."

"I didn't expect the catacombs to be that extensive. Or for the foundation to be that weak."

"And I'm beginning to think the only reason Emiya-kun still has a home is because your battle with Saber was cut short."

Caster looked genuinely embarrassed now. "That's ... probably true."

"Caster, the Holy Grail War and magi society depends on secrecy and discretion. We need to avoid any further incidents. Is this Scorched Earth skill of yours something you can control?"

Caster sighed heavily. "It's not just due to the skill. I've always had this problem with buildings."

Scorched Earth (Personal Skill): In any battle that proves inconclusive, the wielder's enemy will suffer losses or setbacks that will hinder them in future conflicts with the wielder. As an effect bordering on the manipulation of fate, its effects can be averted with a sufficient Luck rating.

Caster- by Psyga 315.

Caster emerged from the spell circle. It lacked any face, any human features... It was no monster however. It looked humanoid... Like it was wearing a sort of suit. Like a magician's coat, only with ruby jewelry everywhere. A ruby plated chest, ruby bracelets and anklets, and the "face" was nothing but a shining ruby, with two metal rectangles to create "eyes". Caster opened his eyes...

And noticed that he was summoned in the blood of a family, with the son tied up, gagged, and squirming around. He then looked toward the guy that he'd probably ask confirmation for his masterhood... Though in all likeliness, he knew what the answer was, especially looking at the ratty old book he had.

"Yeah, I don't think so." Caster said as he took out, from a chain of rings attached to his belt, a special ring. He placed it on his right hand. He then fumbled about a silver lever that switched the center of the belt, a giant black hand, to switch. It then glowed and repeated a catchy tune as he touched the belt with his right hand. The belt then spoke.

"Nice choice! Kick Strike! SAIIIIIIIIKOOOOOOOOOOO~!"

With that, Caster did a back flip going into a flying side kick while his foot was on fire, kicking Ryuunosuke and incinerating the guy.

Assassin- by I Am Not Creative Enough.

Shirou ran. He just ran, his mind consumed by intense panic, his ears ringing with a sharp sound that was even now drilling through his brain.

Don't look back.

Every cell in his body screamed in pain as all of his focus went to the simple activity of fleeing. Prana fueled his run, and he cleared a tremendous distance, dodging dead trees in his mad and frantic sprint.

Don't look back.

But it didn't matter how fast he'd run. It didn't matter where he'd hide. It didn't matter how much he tried to escape.

Don't turn around now.

His hands fell to his knees as he panted, trying to get a little air in. The ringing sound was gone. he was safe. He had gotten away. He had escaped. Cold sweat covered him, as he could feel nothing but his own exhaustion and terror.

Don't you dare turn around.

In his mind's eye, he saw it over and over again. Something so simple, so pathetic, so unthreatening yet so... so terrifying. So alien and so human at once, the contrast making another wave of primal fear course through his body, still in the process of cooling down after massive Od usage.

He was safe. He was away. All he'd have to do now was survive. Until the sun rose. That was it. He needed to get to his home. The wards would warn him. The wards would protect him. They would stop this madness.

But the woods never opened. The dead trees never opened to show him the path. He knew this place, he knew what direction to head to, yet it shifted every time he blinked, it changed, it confused him. And then he heard a sound, as if someone had picked up a pair of drums and began beating on them, a slow, guttural melody that began to match the beating of his heart. He belatedly realized that it was, indeed, his heart that was making the sound dominating his hearing.

He knew. There was a voice in his head. It was screaming at him. DON'T TURN AROUND. Over and over again. It's chanting the mantra of the mad, yet he knew that it was ultimately the sane part of his mind that was yelling at him to remain looking forward.

But he had never been a very sane individual. It had been, in the end, primal curiosity that had done it.

In the end, he turned around and saw it, always following, unrelenting, unstoppable, invincible. The one that was always a step or two behind, always following. The ringing sound returned, full force, and at a volume so high Shirou felt as if his brain was splitting apart just from it. As one slender arm reached towards him, his mind went as blank as the featureless face that greeted him.

Saber- by Shadow Crystal Mage.

The tall, dark figure loomed over Shirou, staring down at him with blank, sightless black lenses. There was a constant hissing sound as he breathed. "Are you… my Master," he said ponderously, voice rumbling deeply.

Shirou, too paralyzed with fear, could only nod in a series of spasms.

The door to the shed flew open, briefly outlining Lancer. "Ah… here you are…" he trailed off as he caught sight of Saber and grinned. "Well… looks like this will be interesting after all…" He charged.

Saber raised one dark-gloved hand and Lancer stumbled, gasping and clawing at his throat as he choked.

With his other hand, Saber drew a silvery cylinder. There was a snap and hiss, a brilliant crimson blade erupting from the hilt…

Berserker- by Enthryn.

Matou Zouken dispassionately observed as Kariya completed the summoning ritual. The smoke cleared to reveal... how odd. The ancient magus beheld a figure strongly resembling a large pepper shaker.

Blue lights blinked, and a mechanical voice emanated from the contraption: "WHERE—IS—THIS—PLAAAACE?! EXPLAIN! EXPLAIN! EXPLAAAAIIIIN!"

The mechanical-looking creature turned toward Kariya. "YOU—ARE—NOT—A—DAAAALEK! YOU—WILL—BE—EX—TER—MINATED!"

Just as Kariya began to cast a defensive spell, a beam of light shot out from the Dalek. Kariya fell, dead before he hit the ground. Zouken, foul worms swarming around him, readied himself to deal with this new threat.


Archer- by Handsome Rob.

Lancer backstepped out of reach in the blink of a eye. This Archer... well, he was an Archer but...

What the hell is with his Arrows? Why not just use normal arrows? Why...

His thoughts were cut off when he was hit in the face with a Green boxing glove.


Lancer rubbed his face. That hurt far more than it should. "I really need to kill this bastard."

Assassin- by Cronosonic.

Sakura and Shinji Matou both blinked as they saw the figure that stood in the middle of the summoning array. It was a bipedal mammal with turquoise fur, wearing a Korean warrior's garb, with a cylindrical hat that covered his eyes. He held an ornate sword in reverse grip. "I ask of you - which of you is my Master?"

"I-I am, " Sakura said, "but nii-san will be using a provisional Command Seal to command you."

"Right! I'm your Master, so get used to it!" Shinji said smugly, "You don't look like much, so don't screw up!"

"Jeez, you're kind of a jerk, " said a higher-pitched voice, accompanied by the fluttering of small wings, as what looked like a small, orange-coloured fox-like creature with wings hovered over Assassin's shoulder. "I've barely listened to this guy and I already want to maul his face off."

"Fidget, we can't go hurting our Master like that..." Assassin groaned. "I apologize, don't mind my other Noble Phantasm, she can be somewhat... Chatty."

"HEY! I'm not some Noble Whatsit!" Fidget complained.

Sakura had no idea what to make of this pair. "Well... I need to make the provisional command spell, now..."

"Weeeeeellll... In that case, he's not our Master now, is he?" Fidget suddenly had an evil glint in her eye.

"Heh, what can a little pint-sized thing like you possibly do to hurt m-ARGH! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! IT HURTS!" Shinji was promptly interrupted by Fidget gleefully biting his nose and clawing at his face. Sakura freaked out, trying to get Fidget off him, while Assassin simply facepalmed.

The next time Shinji was at school, his face was practically covered in band-aids, much to Shirou's concern and Rin and Mitsuzuri's amusement.

Archer- by Neep.

Shinji Matou smiled widely as he stepped out his front door. And why shouldn't he? After all, it was a lovely morning. The sky was clear, the weather was pleasant, and his Servant was going to melt everyone in his school into goo and use the harvested prana to handily win the Holy Grail War.

His pleasant ruminations were interrupted when he found a small white envelope lying on his doorstep. It was addressed to him, but clearly had not been placed in the mailbox. Muttering something about lousy useless postmen, he stooped to retrieve the envelope, opened it, and slid out the contents. Said content was a single sheet of paper, folded several times.

Dear Shinji Matou, he read, You seem to consider yourself something of a lady's man.

He unfolded the paper to continue reading. But do you know what women truly love?

He unfolded the paper again.

Three kilometers away, Archer smirked and depressed the trigger of her gun. "Bitches love cannons."

Berserker- by Handsome Rob.

Zouken Matou was a little underwhelmed at the servant his adopted Granddaughter had summoned. A young man with blonde hair tied in a braid, wearing a long red hooded trench-coat.

"What the hell is this Grandpa?!" The grating voice of Shinji Matou sounded out. "This guy is a servant?!"

The blonde boy seemed a little annoyed. " Is there a problem here? You guys are the ones who called me."

Shinji continued, not paying attention to the Heroic Spirit. " This guy is a joke! Sakura could probably beat him with his bare hands!" Shinji put a hand to his face in shame. I shouldn't be surprised a weakling like her came up short...

And then, Shinji was being swung around like a rag doll.


Zouken and Sakura sweatdropped. Shinji continued to scream like a bitch.

"...no one said anything like that." Zouken mumbled. They had certainly summoned a steel willed servant.

Bad tempered too.

Archer-by Handsome Rob.

"So then I take it you're the one who summoned me?" Archer inquired.

"That's right. If you follow my commands, we can be victorious Archer." Rin answered.

Rin gave her new servant a good look. This was her first summoning, so she didn't have much of a frame of reference, but...

Is this girl really a heroic spirit? Rin thought to herself. The girl standing in front of her seemed to be wearing a strange black and red sleeveless mini dress(or body suit), with a White sleeveless vest and a odd belt over her waist, which held up white skirt that was open at the front. She had red hair that looked like it could as long as Rin's if it wasn't tied back in pig-tails.

It was her weapons that made Rin raise her eyebrows. Two hand guns held in both hands. Rin had been under the impression that Heroic Spirits who used guns were non existent. In fact, there was something abnormally modern...no futuristic about this girl and her weapons; The Tohsaka heir could clearly see it, and her knowledge of technology was barely better than the average Magus(she could use a phone. That counts as better).

"Are you really a Heroic Spirit?" Rin asked her new servant. The other girl seemed a little annoyed at the question. " You don't really seem like much."

Archer was definitely annoyed by that. "Well you don't seem all that impressive for a supposed Master of the Holy Grail war either." While Rin had been sizing up her Servant, Archer had been doing the same. "I thought only prestigious families were involved in this. Why is some mere girl who looks like she's around the same age as me allowed to order me around?"

"What?!" Rin got a large vein on her forehead. Where did she get off asking that kind of question? "Listen here you! I have the Command Seals, so you just do what I tell you!" Rin was in no mood for smart-mouths. " I've seen your stats: As servants go, you look pretty average. Nothing to write home about."

And then Archer was in her face, and they were nose to nose now. The Servant had a pretty large vein on her forehead as well. "WHO ARE YOU CALLING AVERAGE?! I apologize if I didn't come from sone fancy mage Family, or that I wasn't born with super talent oh great Master!" There was a heavy sarcastic tone in Archer's voice. "Some of us aren't so lucky as to have all our talent come from genetics! We have to work for our skill, which is what I did!"

Now Rin was really pissed. "WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN HUH? Who says I didn't work hard to become as good as I am?! You better watch your damn mouth!"

"Or what? You gonna waste a Command Seal on the first day? What kind of idiot would do that?!" Archer challenged. Rin was practically seething.

"The same kind of idiot who pushes her luck five seconds after being summoned, that's who!" Rin replied. Archer might as well of had steam coming out of her ears.



They say that without a catalyst, the Master can end up summoning a Servant with a similar personality. Unfortuntely for Rin, she'd called up the worst kind of personality for her Servant: a Tsundere.

"THERE'S NO WAY I'M TAKING ORDERS FROM A BRAT LIKE YOU! I WAS THE FIELD LEADER OF MY OWN TEAM! WHY THE HELL SHOULD I OBEY A PAMPERED BRAT WHO'S NEVER BEEN IN A SINGLE BATTLE BEFORE?" Archer demanded, while holding her guns in a ready position, Clearly ready to start shooting everything in the room wearing a red sweater.

"BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT A SERVANT IS SUPPOSED TO DO! THAT'S WHY! IF YOU DON'T START SHOWING SOME RESPECT, I'LL TEACH IT TO YOU! AND DON'T THINK I NEED A COMMAND SEAL TO DO IT EITHER!" Rin screamed back, while pulling out the rest of her jewels, having decided that she'd had enough of lippy red-heads.



The Tohsaka mansion got a few new suns roofs that night. Rin considered herself lucky she lived far away from where anyone could see anything.

Saber- by Handsome Rob.

Assassin looked upon the Saber with curiosity. The man was clearly Japanese in nationality, which wasn't really important in the grand scheme of things; it was however, nice to meet someone from home. All he wore was a White Kimono, and sandals. He wore a Katana at his hip and his black hair was tied in a top not.

"So then Saber. You seek to pass me and meet my master do you?"

Saber was quiet. He stared down Assassin with a hard eyes; they bore no malice, but they were stronger than steel. This man has seen much in his life, and it had never stopped him. Assassin could tell that he was included among that list.

"Do not speak. Your eyes say everything. For men such as us, only our blades need speak." Assassin pulled out his sword, and briefly gazed upon it as it caught the moonlight. '' Before we begin, I shall tell you my true name: Sasaki Koujirou."

Saber slowly pulled out his own Katana, and took a fighting stance. He understood the meaning behind Assassin's actions. When a fight to the death is about to take place, the potential losers should know each others names. It would be a dishonour not to.

"They call me... JACK!''' And they, their blades met.

Rider- by Shadow Crystal Mage.

Saber gritted her teeth as she and Shirou were surrounded by a unholy, unnatural, abnormal, unspeakable, blasphemous, ominous, chaotic, unthinkable yellow mist, which glowed with an unholy, unnatural, abnormal, unspeakable, blasphemous, ominous, chaotic, unthinkable light. Around them, unholy, unnatural, abnormal, unspeakable, blasphemous, ominous, chaotic, unthinkable chanting seemed to fill the air with unholy, unnatural, abnormal, unspeakable, blasphemous, ominous, chaotic, unthinkable syllables, the kind that when recited would reveal the plot of Twilight. "Stand ready Shirou! Our enemy could be anywhere…"

From the darkness, an unholy, unnatural, abnormal, unspeakable, blasphemous, ominous, chaotic, unthinkable ''shape' appeared, the unholy, unnatural, abnormal, unspeakable, blasphemous, ominous, chaotic, unthinkable figure coalescing, becoming…

"Heh he he..." the silver-haired girl who appeared greeted, smiling a unholy, unnatural, abnormal, unspeakable, blasphemous, ominous, chaotic, unthinkable smile. "Coming from the darkness with the tears of my enemies at my back, speak my name and I will appear!" She placed both hands next to a big metal unholy, unnatural, abnormal, unspeakable, blasphemous, ominous, chaotic, unthinkable belt at her waist. The words "STRIV RIDE" appeared. "Rider Change!"

And so sanity began to drop like rain as she beat them up with Servant CQC…

Saber- by Eva Unit 01.

For the better part of an hour, Gilgamesh had been raining down his treasures upon the Knight of Sword, but still had yet to hit him.

"Stay in one place and die, you little green MONGREL!"

At that time, there was a flash of neon green light, and the King of Heroes' head was taken from his body.

The diminutive Saber had but one remark.

"Abandoned your anger, you should have."

Berserker- by Handsome Rob.

"What the hell is that thing supposed to be?" Shirou was dumbfounded at this servant.

"It appears to be a giant ant Shirou." Saber was equally baffled. Why was a giant ant considered a Heroic Spirit?

"Inferno!" Saber and Shirou became more confused when the ant talked, and things weren't going to start making more sense anytime soon.

"TERRORIZE!" The giant talking ant changed before their eyes with mechanical whirs and creaks into a...bipedal robot with a clear ant theme.

"What?" Both Shirou and Saber would find those were the only words they could say for the next few days. They would not be able to stop thinking about this battle.


NEXT: The Happy Tree Friends! The Ice King! Negi Springfield! And more!