The ever lovin' copypasted copyright info, not that any of you ever bothers to read these things anyway! Fate Stay Night and all related elements and characters are the property and creation of Type-Moon and Kinoko Nasu, and the author of this set of short pieces has made no material profit from it, and never will do.

Similarly, all non-Fate characters mentioned here are the properties of their respective copyright holders.

Any non-parodic, non-totally safe similarity between the characters and events of these ministories and anyone or anything ever actually seen in real life is a pure coincidence. For real!

Sadly, I couldn't finish Negi or the Ice King's segments for this chapter. Maybe next time!

"Who was the tsundere that threatened to Starlight Breaker Rin?" – Sorry for taking so long to answer. You'd have to ask Handsome Rob himself, really, but I think it was an alternate version of Teana from a fanfic.

Again, a lot of good fellas from the TV Tropes boards have showed interest on writing more of these snippets, so rejoice! At the end of this chapter, you'll get to read a lot of material from people who are far better writers than me!

Read. Review. Please. PLEASE! But mostly, enjoy.



Shinji and Sakura stared, stupified, at the short caped figure standing before them, holding a gigantic and absurdly complex large caliber futuristic gun twice his own size.

"Well?" the Servant said. "I asked and formulated a question, a query for both of you who stand there together, next to each other. Which one of you summoned me, bringing me to this world, from the Throne of Heroes, which is separated from this world and in another place? I am Servant Rider, and I fall into that class or category because in life, when I could, I rode numerous artifacts, contraptions and vehicles which served as my tools in the unending war and conflict against the accursed POOOOWERPUUUUF GIIIIRLS!" He shook a gloved fist. "Because my real name, which is not my Rider name since that is the name of my class, is MOOOOJO JOOOOJO! Yes, Mojo Jojo, greatest criminal scientific genius of this era or any other era, with unmatched mastery over science, which I apply to peerless crime! Well, I ask again, addressing you once more? Which one of you would call yourself my Master, even if I should be your Lord and Master and Ruler instead?"

Shinji looked at Sakura. "On second thought, you can keep him."


"I'll tell you my real name," the ghostly figure standing at the gates of the temple said. "My real name... is Candlejack!"

"Candlejack?" Gilgamesh chuckled in a condescending way as everyone else stared in puzzled stupor at Caster, wondering why he'd just reveal himself like that. "Hah! Candlejack, what a ridiculous name! Truly fitting a mongrel with no sense of

When he suddenly fell silent, Rin looked at where he had been one moment before. "Ah! He disappeared! Is this part of his strategy?"

"Which strategy?" Saber asked. "He couldn't bother to have one! And he'd never stop talking while belittling someone! This must be, somehow, Candlejack's doing. Shirou, you must be

"Huh?" Shirou looked at her. Or rather where she had been until right now. "Ah! Saber! Where did you go?"

Archer clenched his teeth. "Damn it! Don't say it, you idiots! Don't say it or it'll happen to you too!"

"Saying what?" Rin blinked. "Oh, you mean 'Candlejack'? But why— Oh, I think I get it. I'm an idiot, am not

Shirou rubbed his eyes. "Tohsaka? Hey, you!" he turned to Caster. "What have you done to her, Candlej—!"

Archer slammed a hand on his mouth. "Quiet, you! Or else, you... Huh, come to think about it, I should have let you say it. It'd have saved me a lot of trouble if Candlejack had— Oh, shit, I had to

Shirou, now completely alone with Caster, stared, dumbfounded, at the Servant's hooded face. He seemed to smile under his old cloth mask.

"I think I'm going to need more rope," Caster said.

Shirou rubbed his chin. "You know, have you thought of using those skills for the sake of justice...?"


Matou Zouken looked at the note someone had left on his desk. It only had a single word written on it.

"Candlejack?" he read aloud. "What in the world is a 'Candlejack'? What manner of stupid

And that's the story of how Emiya Shirou and Candlejack, Heroes of Justice, won the Fifth Holy


At last! After so many efforts, after literally and figuratively sweating blood to achieve it, through sheer hard work, determination and stubbornness (and stupid blind luck, but he'd never admit that), he had summoned his own Servant! One who would be far better than that dumb sexy Sakura's!

Not that he'd stop using said Servant and Sakura herself, too, but it was the principle of the thing!

And now, before him, his Servant rose, unique and singular, as a Servant of a true Matou should be. And it was...

... a small blue cartoon horse with a horn, wearing a cape and pointy hat.

"Greetings!" she saluted melodramatically, flashing a huge grin. "Count yourself as blessed, Master, for you have summoned The Great and Powerful Caster! Ah ha ha ha...!"

Shinji began beating his forehead against the floor.


The Saber valiantly and chivalrously waited, sword firmly in hand, as the strange enemy Servant slowly opened its shell, with an ominous grinding and creaking sound that echoed slowly through the night. At last, they would be truly face to face, as Servants were supposed to be during a Grail War.

Then the creature that had been hidden within the shell stood revealed, and Saber gasped, prey to a primal, overwhelming terror the likes of which she never had felt before.

All across Fuyuki City, the other Servants and Masters paused in their own conflicts, gripped by a sudden sensation of crushing dread and disgust, mixed with uncontrollable panic and unexplainable anxiety. And then, a final feeling of losing everything at once.

The civilians and mundanes all across the globe held as little chance as the mightiest magi and vampires.

For the Monster barnacle was so ugly, that everyone died.


"The End," Seyritt finished her story as she closed the book on her lap.

Pouting on her bed, with a quite large zit on her nose, Ilya yelled, "That didn't help at all!"


Through the ages, the methods to obtain power have changed, but the core drive of greed and ambition has remained the same since the days men and women began gathering out of their caverns. Once, the most powerful means to gain ultimate power were magic, then technology, and finally became a mixture of both.

The Powers family always struggled hard to hold onto power in any manifestation they could get their hands onto. Derek Powers the Fifth, indirect descendant of the infamous power tycoon of Gotham, was no exception; if anything, he was more ruthless and stubborn than any of his ancestors since the first man in the family to use that name.

The shattered piece of armor was his in his mind. By having it stolen from the museum, he only was recovering something that was his to use as he pleased. It had been found at an old facility of his family, and it had been built, in the first place, with resources from the first Derek Powers.

And now he gladly chanted the invocation as he looked at the relic, the catalyst for his Servant. As expected from someone who had been taught on the ways of magic by his mother since he could speak, it worked.

The Servant rose before his, towering in his remade sleek, dark armor, cold dead red eyes glaring from behind the transparent helmet. An all encompassing chilling waft drifted from the Servant, sweeping over the whole room and the man who had brought him.

"I am Archer, Servant for the Holy Grail War," the monotone, profound voice intoned soullessly. "I ask of you, are you my Master?"


The battles raged with no pause blooding the streets of New Gotham. The infamous Assassin, Jack the Ripper. The hulking, red skinned and surprisingly cunning Berserker. The affable, long bearded, white robed Caster. The valiant Saber, El Cid. The red clad young girl with the sweet tooth identified as Lancer. The mysterious, grim Magical Girl, who seemed to have a story with Lancer. All of them fell one after another, until only Archer and Rider remained, doing a final battle over the remain of Old Gotham's Babylon Towers.

For the first time, Derek Powers the Fifth saw actual emotion on his Servant as he battled Rider. And for good reason. For Rider was, if his outfit and skills and the legends about them were to be believed, Archer's nemesis in life. They fought with no rest or mercy, ending up in blows after Rider had ran out of weapons, but not before fracturing Archer's arsenal of freezing guns, even his massive Ice Cannon Noble Phantasm.

It came too close for Powers' comfort, but Rider already had several parts of his body frozen solid. With Archer's damaged but still functional armor working enough to protect him, Archer was able to deliver the final hit by using small dials on his wrist to freeze Rider's face and shattering it with his large fists. For a moment, Powers thought he had seen him smiling. But if that ever happened, the emotion disappeared from his pale face just as soon.

Then the sacred cup, the Grail itself, materialized to life for the first time in over a century. However, confirming Powers' worst fears since his findings during the War, the current Grail, the one remade after Tohsaka and Velvet's meddling all those decades ago, had been an incomplete, useless one that expired and vanished in a cloud of dust just after being summoned. The magi behind its creation had been nowhere in the same field as the three original families. Derek Powers the Fifth sighed as he, with disgust, wiped his hands clean of that dust, and walked over to where his Servant, his armor dying down at last, detached himself from his dying mechanical body. For the one still organic part in him was that head that was inside of the helmet with tiny spider like legs.

"So, Master, " Archer sounded strangely, even smugly, but softly pleased as he was being picked up. "It seems your dream was for naught after all. While I at least got to prevail over my longtime foe. Aren't our roles traded now? At the start of this War, you mocked me for being a failure in life, while you were fated for great things."

"And I am, " Powers said, undeterred. "This was nothing but a setback. And not even that. Most of my rivals in the magic community have died, but most important of all, you will give me the means to achieve true immortality, Grail or not. Your current state means you will need precious little mana to be kept alive. I will preserve you as a familiar while my scientists decode your secrets and improve upon them. Then, if I feel thankful, I finally will free you from this wretched, pathetic existence. Well, Freeze? How do you feel about that, hmm?"

As the man walked away with the head under an arm, Archer took a moment before answering. "How do I feel? I feel nothing. I left sorrow and regret behind long ago."

Assassin vs. Assassin

Tohsaka Rin couldn't hide her disappointment over the Servant she had just summoned. Instead of the Saber she had hoped for, she had called on a very short man with skin as pale as paper, wearing a black coat and pointy hat, and whose nose was, not only sharp, but as big as the rest of his head if not more. When she asked him about his Class and identity, he only produced a card that read 'Black Assassin.' Apparently, this shame of a Servant couldn't even talk.

Oh, well. Her only comfort was, if she hadn't gotten anything better than that, neither could have Luvia...


Luviagelita Edelfelt couldn't hide her disappointment over the Servant she had just summoned. Instead of the Saber she had hoped for, she had called on a very short man with skin as pale as paper, wearing a white coat and pointy hat, and whose nose was, not only sharp, but as big as the rest of his head if not more. When she asked him about his Class and identity, he only produced a card that read 'White Assassin.' Apparently, this shame of a Servant couldn't even talk.

Oh, well. Her only comfort was, if she hadn't gotten anything better than that, neither could have Rin...


Over the next few days, Servants fought and fell all across Fuyuki City, but the Assassins had come to focus only on each other, disregarding the other Servants and Masters to lock themselves in a seemingly unending bloody competition. Had their narrow minded conflict been focused on any other single traget, their Masters would have protested, but Luvia and Rin both seemed far too happy and willing to agree on being each other's priority.

And so, they fought and ambushed and maimed each other, no side ever getting a definitive victory. White Assassin and Black Assassin seemed to take turns on grossly 'murdering' each other only to come back for more, stubbornly refusing to die even when they were killed. They electrocuted, stabbed, shot, smashed, squashed, gutted, pummeled, flattened, sliced and knifed each other time after time only to recover and go for more. They set traps for each other and their respective Masters with demonic ingenuity and frantic drive, and although they always returned unharmed despite their previous vicious wounds, their Masters didn't share their durability. Ultimatums were given. And quite angrily delivered.


They stood face to face on the empty lot, next to their Servants, grinning at each other as best as they could. Rin had a black patch over her missing left eye, and had one leg on a cast. Luvia had an arm on a sling, and if you looked carefully at the right leg coming out of her long skirt, you could see it was an artificial one. Their bodies had, on addition to that, countless bruises and marks all over them.

"Well, " Rin rasped. "Even if open confrontations aren't what Assassins were intended for, it seems we still have no choice but falling on this..."

"Oh ho ho ho! Indeed, Rin! We are going to settle this tonight, for good! And once you're out of my way, the Holy Grail will be mine! You'll regret calling me and challenging me to come here!"

Rin blinked. "Ah? I thought you were the one to challenge me! I was at home minding my own business!"

"Eh? D-Don't be ridiculous! I'd never stoop to beg for your attend—"

Then they looked down at the charges set around their feet. One second before they exploded.

For once, the Black and White Assassins shared frantic, maniacal giggles and 'V' signs after shaking hands. It had been so worth it.

Then Black Assassin whipped a gun out and shot White Assasin's brains off before disappearing from insufficient mana.

Yes, so worth indeed.

Watching from a distance, the Saber exhaled. "Well, it would seem you were right, Master. It worked like you expected. I would normally have objected to this wait and see strategy as dishonorable, but these Assassins did not deserve being granted a fair fight..."

Her young, red-haired Master smiled at her in quite the stupid fashion and then said, "What, us worry?"


Medea stared at the newly summoned figure rising before her, languidly and tossing its long blond hair back, staring at her with sultry, piercing blue eyes.

This was not good. Not good at all. She would need a strong arm to fight for her, the muscle for her brains, a warrior Servant. This was an anomaly Servant, probably brought by irregularities in the summoning. A different class, not one of the recognized seven, but even so, for some reason, Caster could not protest or feel angry as her new Servant opened her mouth and began singing a mesmerizing and alluring song that went,

"It's not pretty being me. Just try it and you'll see. It's harder than you think to be a gorgeous mink. La la da da da da de. It's not pretty being me! "

Medea remained nailed on her feet as Temptress covered the distance between them, wrapping a long, silky tail around her body and lightly teasing her collarbone with her fingers. "Tell me..." the strange but irresistible creature was purring, "Are you my Master...?"

"Ah... Ah... Ah..." Medea twitched. "B-Before we talk about the, the War, there are some... things, I mean clothes I'd like you to try on..."

Attracted by the noise, Kuzuki peeked into the room and, for the first time since he could remember, his ever present lack of expression was replaced by his face turning into a trumpet and going "OOOGA! OOOGA! OOOGA!"

Issei peeked in after him, took a bland, bored look at the weird furry cosplayer with his sensei's mistress, and muttered, "What are you turning this home into, Caster-san...?"


"Seriously!" Issei facepalmed, at his wit's end. "Why am I the only one who can see her for what she is? Shirou! She's covered by fur!"

"It's only a thin, thin layer..." an absently staring Shirou said.

"Under which, there is tender, soft flesh, much like that of any of us..." Saber added, struck by that exotic vision's beauty, in a way she had never looked at another woman since Guinevere. Fine, and maybe Rin during that prana recharge.

"I know... I should resist!" Archer said through gritted teeth. "I should... fight it...! But... But...! AROOGA! AROOGA!"

Temptress smiled benevolently as she kept a very still Lancer under an arm, while petting Gilgamesh's hair with her free hand, her feet and the ground around them covered by golden offerings. "I think I could get used to this place. Oh yes, baby, this is how I like it..."

"I'm with Megane!" Ilya stood her angrily pouting ground next to Issei, arms folded while Berserker hit his own head with his mace over and over, his tongue hanging out. "Why are you all idiots so awestruck by this... this critter? I just can't see why you would—!"

Temptress gave her a disapassioned look, then switched herself to a French Maid outfit.

There was the sound of a switch clicking inside of Ilya's head, and then she flung herself for Temptress' chest. "MEIDOOOOOO!"

Issei facepalmed again. Harder. Rin pushed him aside. "Temptress-sama! I brought you these gems!"

"Oh ho ho ho! I brought you even more, and of a much higher quality, Temptress-sama!" Luvia began struggling with Rin.

The doors flew open, and Dark Sakura slithered in, dragging shadows behind herself. "Mine mine mine, I'll make you mine..."

"Wait in line!" Temptress barked.

After a stunned moment of silence, Dark Sakura nodded and went to stand behind Kirei. Briefly, she looked at him and asked, "I thought only evil satisfied you...?"

"Good thing she's evil as well, then, " Kirei austerely said.

Dark Sakura nodded and sighed. "The perfect woman...!"

Behind her, Rider seemed to flinch at that comment.


The Avenger had once been only a human. A male human. And his maleness has spreaded through the Holy Grail much like his corruption. So, when Temptress finally got her hands on the wonderful golden and shiny cup, and realized there was a pesky, icky dark old evil living inside of it, she only had to frown at it and ask, "Could you, like, just leave? You're lowering MY Grail's market value! Honestly, what a nerve!"

Angra Mainyu, unable to object, especially with those breasts hanging right above his presence, complied after a moment of doubt and erased himself from existence with a deafening crushing sound and a puff of dark smoke that flew everywhere.

"EWWWWW!" Temptress waved the smoke off her face. "GROSS! What a rude, vulgar... man! But it's all okay now, the shiny pretty cup is mine, all oh so mine, and...!"

Unable to exist anymore after being cut from the influx of Evil that had powered it up for so long, so many decades, the Holy Grail crumbled to dust into Temptress' hands then.

She made a truly hideous and disgusting face of grotesquely comical shock, distorting her beautiful features, and took her head back, yelling for the skies.


Issei smirked.


"Hello, I'm Servant Caster! Are you my Master?" she happily greeted me.

She was a cute girl with light blond hair and freckles, having more than a passing resemblance to Melissa Joan Hart in her teen years. She wore a tight short skirted dress, and had a black cat with her, which I supposed was her familiar.

— unfortunately, I can't tell her story because of Fanfiction Dot Net's legal policies and copyright holders objections. A pity. It was a very interesting story.


The Servants, all of them but one, had fallen. The Grail had manifested itself, unleashing its malice, fully ready to devastate the world of humans. All it had to do first was crushing that final, frail looking Servant still standing before it, a wiry, pathetic young female with her long blond hair in twin long tails, and wearing that idiotic looking white uniform with the short shirt and... the wide white wings...

Oh, no.

No no no no no no no.

No no!

The Grail could feel the overwhelming power of its antithesis, its opposite number, quickly powering up so the clothes disappeared from her, being swiftly replaced by an ethereal regal white dress, a silver crown around her head.

She smiled at the Grail, in a sadistically saintly and purely wide way, a way that would have been toxic for the cursed cup even if it hadn't been followed by the Servant pointing her luminous scepter at it and saying, "Moon Healing Escalation."

No wonder the Grail hated the Extra Classes.


Under a thundering dark sky, Archer of Black and Archer of Red met at the middle of the shattered battlefield, their weapons at the ready, and they nobly announced themselves before engaging into deadly combat.

"Be you the mean Servant that's a-hankerin' for a heap of trouble, stranger? Well, be ya?" Archer of Red growled, a smoking gun on each hand.

Archer of Black laughed, in a way... fitting a man of his stature and majesty... "Ehh he he he. Well, if you must know, I'm Sewvant Awcher from the Faction of Black. Please be quiet, vewy quiet... I'm hunting for the other Awcher..."

"The other Archer? The other Archer!" the other man roared. "Well, pardner, lemme tell ya somethin'! I'm Archer of Red, the roughest, toughest he-man stuffest hombré that's ever crossed the Rio Grande! An' I ain't no namby-pamby!" he finished, shooting his guns around in all directions. "An' this town ain't big enough fer the two of us!"

Archer of Black scratched his large, bald head with his shotgun. "Oh dear. I hadn't wealized that. You look like a vewy stwong adwersawy! I think I'll have to summon my Noble Phwantasm!"

"Your Noble Phantasm?" Archer of Red laughed. "Show me then, ya lousy varmint! I really wanta see what kind of pathetic Noble Phantasm can be had by a sissy-boy city slicker like you! An' it better be a good one or else!"

Archer of Black raised a hand as a shiny horned helmet descended from the parting heavens, landing on his head and changing his clothes to ancient Norse garb. He began chanting, his tone reaching a majestic Operatic crescendo, the sky vomiting ferocious lightning on his command, "I'll kill the Wed Awcher! Awise storm! North wind bwow! South wind bwow! Huwwicanes! Typhoons! Earthquakes! SMOOOOOG!"

Archer of Red looked up. "Ooh..." he said in a shrunk voice before the first bolt fell on him. "This ain't gonna be a good night at all..."


The demon he had just summoned was not what Ryuunosuke had been expecting for. Sure, he looked scary, like most clowns do, especially in American movies, but it was just enough. Honestly, Ryuunosuke thought he looked quite goofy in a way, too, moving around the lair with the exaggerated effeminate and yet stern airs of a caricature of an art critic, looking carefully at Ryuunosuke's creations, and occasionally humming with a disapproving raise of a green eyebrow, poking at a hanging child's arm like it was that of a doll.

"Crude, " the demon said eventually. "Vulgar and cheap. Lacks any finesse, and while it makes a very nice use of color and textures— I really love what you did with the guts over here— it doesn't make up for its utter lack of a message, a statement. I think it's puerile and lame, an obvious beginner's work!"

Ryuunosuke was torn between feeling baffled and even ashamed and feeling outraged and furious. But since he was not that insane, he decided charging the demon with his knife would be a bad idea. Instead, he only asked, with a voice dripping dry sarcasm, "Is it too much for you?"

"Too much?" the demon looked at him. "It's too little! And I'm not even talking about the amount of dead women and children. You've got a decent variety of materials, although some men added in would add a lot more. Are you that cowardly you couldn't go after a grown man your size?" Before Ryuunosuke could protest, the demon kept on talking a storm. "But that's not my point. My point, my point is this isn't art, it's just intellectual masturbation. Let's not hope it's not the literal kind too because that'd be gross, you pervert. Then again, you're Japanese, aren't you? Anyway, true art must be seen and shown! That's the only way we can grow as artists!"

He slammed his bony but shockingly strong hands on the younger man's shoulders. "Kid. You've got raw talent, and that's why it's so painful seeing you wasted like this, your passional youth's work locked up where no one but you can see or enjoy it. What's your name?"

After a moment of having those piercing eyes fixed on his, which made him feel so small and stupid, he answered sheepishly, "Uryu... Uryu Ryuunosuke."

"Well, Ryu, you can call me..." after a moment of grim doubt, he said, "Caster. Until I deem you worthy of my real name. Why am I a Caster, though, I wonder?" he mused, absenting himself from reality for a moment. "I don't know anything about magic. Is it because I'm good at chemistry, the modern alchemy? That's kind of lame for someone as awesome as me."

One of the still living captive children finally untied himself and stumbled for the door. Before Ryuunosuke could catch him, Caster had given him a chase that ended as soon as it started, tackling him and pinning him against the floor.

"Kill him, " Ryuunosuke asked eagerly, since that was the moment he had been waiting for. "Kill him now!"

Caster chuckled as he produced a syringe out, full with a strange green liquid. "That'd be lovely, but... maybe later. Remember, variety is the key. That'll be your first lesson, Skippy. There are things—" and he sank the needle on the child's arm, "— even funnier than death. Like me!"


"Mamoru-kun!" Kotone recognized him as soon as they left the school, finding him standing on the sidewalk after several days of disappearance. Rin, who was with her, instinctively tensed in alert at how strange he looked now, though. Too pale, and wearing eccentric green and purple, and holding a strange makeshift device in a hand. It even looked, sort of, like one of those guns she had seen once or twice in TV, when she went over to their friends' houses and—

Then Mamoru blew Kotone's brains before her while laughing creepily. And everything else was forgotten.


Saber fumed angrily, disgusted at the mere presence of the Caster at the feast. He had shown up from nowhere, and if not for the tenuous agreement that made everyone unwilling to attacking first, she'd have slain him where he sat, pouring himself wine with an incredibly conceited drink.

Saber had figured out Archer would have even more reasons to strike the despicable Servant down, being the one responsible for the wounded state of his Master's daughter, but it seemed that mattered next to nothing at all for the golden armored tyrant. Archer's sole objection was Caster had never been a king, to which he countered with smug but actually honest sounding claims of being repeatedly called the Clown Prince in life. Being no stranger to whimsical cruelty either, Gilgamesh seemed amused enough by the one he considered less than a gnat to allow him staying.

"Then, Caster," Rider asked, less hostile than Saber but still with the air of deep disgust about him, "Tell us, what is your purpose in this Holy Grail War?"

"Ah, see, Red, that's the thing," Caster mused, sheepishly scratching his long pointy chin with a gloved finger, "I have no purpose. Nothing ever has an actual purpose, when we look at it carefully enough. I'm... I guess you could say I'm just a dog who keeps chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do if I ever caught one. For me, what matters is the chase itself..."

"The mongrel sure knows his condition and place!" Gilgamesh approved with a haughty smile.

Caster smiled back. "Thank you, Goldie. I can call you Goldie, can't I?"

"No. No, you cannot."



"Caster!" Saber was genuinely surprised at the arrival of a long thought dead presence at the site of her fight with Gilgamesh, making both kings to pause in their struggle for a moment. "Why are you here? You should be—!" And then she looked at Kiritsugu, a stern frown marring her perfect face.

"He should have died when I shot Ishida!" Emiya said. "And then I saw his body plummeting into the sea..."

"Pscht," Caster said. "That's so regular Tuesday for me. I only had to use one of my Noble Phantasms, Joker Immunity. Nasty useful thingy. We go together from a long time ago. After that, well, it was difficult pulling through without the kid, but hey, it's not like this city was short on souls to consume. So I think I've still got juice for a last trick. It's a killer...!"

"Well! Let us see it, then!" Archer laughed, blocking Saber as she tried to rush the other maniac before he could act. Kiritsugu was similarly distracted by Kirei's renewed attack. "Surely, the final act of a self-admitted mongrel will be as pathetic as the rest of his jests!"

"Well," Caster chuckled, and raised a hand, "There's only one way to know for sure, riiight?" And he cried, "I summon the ultimate Noble Phantasm! The greatest joke ever! Power of Mxyzptlk!"

The small blue glowing orb that appeared above Caster then had five dimensions: Length, height, width, and two other things neither Saber nor Gilgamesh could even begin to describe. Inside of it, there was what seemed to be a tiny imp or dwarf trapped and screaming in abject pain. The sight lasted only a moment before the orb's light bathed Caster, changing his colorful suit to garish royal clothes, with a heavy crown on his head.

"King of Knights! King of Heroes!" the Caster shouted. "Meet your Emperor! Handpicked and approved by the Grail itself! Together, we will usher on a new age of glorious chaos!" He spread his arms as if to hug everyone. "And my first decree is: Whoopie Cushions for everyone!"

"GATE OF BABYLON!" Archer thundered, unleashing the might of his combined arsenal upon him.

With a yawn, Caster waved a hand, and the barrage of weapons turned back and converged on Archer himself, piercing him through every part of his body.

"I think all these things are yours, aren't they? For such a grabby guy, you sure are careless of where you leave your belongings. But never fear! Thanks to me, you'll never lose them again! You might say I'll make you one with them, even! HYA HA HA HA!"

Saber lunged at him, Excalibur at the ready, but with another wave of a hand, Caster altered reality again, instantly changing her into a plush lion which he kicked off into the distance. "I always liked Nero better!"

Kotomine Kirei stared at the reborn Servant with sudden, frozen fascination, as if on him he had just found the answer for what he had been looking for during his whole again. With a cruelly benevolent grin, Caster nodded at him, then grabbed his head and, not finding any resistance, snapped the man's neck. He died with a placid smile. "Ah. More people should be like him...!"

Emiya Kiritsugu began shooting at Caster, wildly, all cold reason and pre-set strategies long lost, just reacting on instinct and frustration. The bullets were having as much effect as mosquito bites.

Caster flinched. "Owch. You should have tried that before. It would have worked then. Then again, maybe I should have tried this before, too... But I had to wait until it was funny! You can't rush a punchline!"

He chortled as he grabbed Emiya effortlessly, growing to a giant's size. "There's nothing I hate most than grim crazy prepared avenging do-gooders with tragical pasts, you know. That's why I'll give you the worst punishment I can think of, " and he flicked Emiya's forehead with a finger, knocking him out. "I'll let you live in a world made at my image."

When Emiya Kiritsugu woke up, Caster was gone, and yet he was everywhere. On the grinning still bodies littering the streets. On the wrecked walls and buildings and trees, most of them branded with colorful iterations of 'JOKER WAS HERE!' and smiley faces. On the slashes of dripping red covering the darkened skies.

He ran, stumbling through the unending horrors, trying to somehow escape. He tried not to look at the dead, not even when he ran over the bloated body of he who he guessed had been Matou Zouken, quickly decaying and covered by squirming worms.

His steps, erratic as they were, led him to some place he had felt was fated to be his ending point. It was a destroyed house. Impaled on a pole and with a perfectly grotesque grin stretching his formerly soft features, there was a small boy with spiky red hair.

Collapsing on renouncing knees, Emiya Kiritsugu, for some reason, began laughing.

Saber, Caster, Berserker, Lancer, Archer, Assassin, Rider.

Tohsaka Rin stared in wide-eyed disbelief at the seven diminutive figures before her.

One of them finally rasped after a few moments of waiting. "I repeat," the tiny blue creature said, "Are you our Master?"

"Who... Who the hell are you..." Rin managed to blabber.

"Saber Smurf!" one of them lifted a minuscule sword.

"Caster Smurf!" another one gestured with a frail looking wand.

"SMURF! SMURF SMURF SMURF!" another one jumped in place, drooling uncontrollably.

"Archer Smurf!" another one smirked, holding a bow with an arrow (no bigger than a matchstick) on it.

"Lancer Smurf!" another one posed with a spear.

"Rider Smurf!" this one was riding on a squirrel.

"Assassin Smurf..." yet another one stood mysteriously in the shadows, wearing black instead of his companions' white.

Saber Smurf laughed. "Master, with this miracle, you already have smurfed this Grail War! You must be a very smurfing magus to have smurfed seven of us, from all seven classes, at once! Trust us, because we'll smurf the opposition easily, working together and smurfing—"

Rin kicked them over, stuffed them into a box, and handed them over to Ilya as a gift.


Somehow, the Servant had gotten the drop on him. It was a Servant. It had to be one. An Assassin, most likely, Emiya Kiritsugu estimated as that arm as hard as steel closed around his neck, threatening to snap it at the slightest move after what he barely dared to call a fight; an encounter, in any case, that went too fast for him, and yet mercifully quick, in a way.

The Servant grinned as his face remained close, growling the words in Kiritsugu's ear.

"I know what special abilities you have. I can see the ways your powers have subtly shifted the inner structure of your body, all the better for it to accomodate them. I can detect the increased electrical activity in your brain. I know what moves you're preparing to make. I've fought our fight already, in my head, in a million different ways. I can hit you without you even seeing me. I'm what soldiers dream of growing into. I'm what children see when they first imagine what death is like. I may be called Assassin, but in truth, I'm The Midnighter."

Kiritsugu still moved a muscle, because he had to.

And then it was over.


"What is the meaning of this?" asked Saber as their final opponent appeared before them. He was a man with short hair, wearing nothing but bright red shorts and a wide, perfect white smile. "This is intended to be in jest, is not it? Is this not what they call in this age a 'lifeguard'? And this is supposed to be a match for my blade?"

"Saber!" her Master gasped. "This... This is no mere lifeguard! This is..." she recognized the mighty figure before them, "The Hoff!"

Saber blinked. "The Hoff?"

The man smiled, pulled a microphone out of his shorts (so he hadn't just been happy of seeing them) and began singing, "Jump in my car, I wanna take you home. Jump in my car, it's too far to walk on your own..."

"Ahhhh!" Saber's Master covered her own ears and wailed. "That horrible sound! I feel like it's killing me!"

Twice explained. "Savior's singing inflicts devastating damage on any opponent who isn't completely tone deaf or German. On the other hand, when in Germany, all of his other stats go up in a 400%, but that's not here or now..."

Saber smiled. "Interesting! It would seem I finally have met a fair match for my vocal skills... But I shall not go down without a fight, Savior!"

The ensuing Hasselhoff/Nero duet ended up destroying the Moon Cell and traumatizing even Gilgamesh.


Matou Sakura stared dubiously at the Servant standing before her. She didn't look too impressive. She was only a girl roughly around her own age, wearing a dark school uniform splattered with blood, and holding a katana in a hand and a huge knife in the other. The only things that were indicating of something truly abnormal, in Sakura's opinion (which probably said something about Sakura) were the insane absent look in her huge eyes and the severed head of a boy tucked under her right arm.

"Makoto-kun...!" Berserker chanted.

Shinji looked at her with mixed feelings. On one hand, the girl triggered his rape instincts to the max. On the other, well, perhaps she was a bit too creepy even for him.

"Makoto-kuuuuuun...!" Berserker desperately cried again.

He shrugged inwardly. Well, she had nice tits, and that was all that mattered...


"Makoto-kuuuuun...!" Berserker wailed, with a boy's head under an arm and Shinji's under the other.

Shirou, stupidly fearless as she was, still felt the need to hide behind Saber. He bravely fought it back. "Saber! Don't hurt her too much! She's still just a misguided, suffering—!"

"Makotooooo-kuuuuuun...!" Berserker charged madly.

Saber punted her in the gut and sent her flying across the park. "... Hardly worth the use of a blade..."

Shirou shuddered before picking one of the heads Berserker had dropped. "Is this really... Shinji's...?"

After a moment of heavy silence, Saber, still on her guard, asked him, "Well?"

"Well, " Shirou echoed weakly, "I don't know, this is probably the most friendly he's ever been with me, so I'm not sure..."


Saber and Shirou looked at Gilgamesh's feet, sticking out from under a yatch with NICE BOAT painted on a side.

"Out of all the Noble Phantasms I have ever seen, this has to be the strangest one—" Saber began.

"MAAAAA-KOTO-KUUUUUUUN...!-!-!" Berserker kept on crying as Dark Sakura patted her shoulder in a comforting manner.

"There, there, " she sweetly told her. "Why don't we go kill some random bullies off? I'm sure that'll make you feel better..."

Berserker sniffled and looked up at her from her kneeling position. "R-Really...?"

Caster (x2)

Ilya is an average kid that no-one understands. No Mom, No Dad, and Grandpa is always giving her commands.

The doom and gloom up in her room is broken instantly by her magic little fish who grant her every wish. 'Cause in reality...

They are her oddcasters. Fairly oddcasters.

Wands and wings.

Floaty Graily things.

Oddcasters. Fairly oddcasters.

Really mod, pea pod. Buff bod, hot rod (is this a H-scene?)

Shirou is obtuse, rubber goose, Sakura is loose, worm juice, the first snake, Lady of the Lake, batteries, chocolate shake.

Oddcasters. Fairly oddcasters. It flips your lid when you are a kid with fairly oddcasters!


"Berserker!" Ilya called loudly. "Come forth and kill them!"

"Beware, Shirou!" Saber shouted as she stood in front of her Master, readying her sword to face the figure stepping out of the shadows...

... which turned out being a tiny and cute bear in military fatigues and a beret, smiling in a wide and innocent fashion. It also had green fur.

"..." Saber said.

Shirou blinked. "Is this for real?" he asked, then tried to step out from behind Saber. "Wow, it's actually alive, not a toy, is it..."

"Shirou!" Saber yelled at him. "Don't get any closer! Remember what I told you about the rabbit! Don't be fooled by Berserker's appearance!"

"Oh, come on, Saber!" Shirou pointed at the bear. It barely reached up to his knees, and was waving cheerfully at them. "Even if he had a killing intent, what could he possibly do? He's so small and weak! Ilya-chan, you shouldn't challenge others with this kind of... Servant. You could get yourselves hurt! After all, this is a War!"

War. The word flipped the switch inside of Berserker's mind, making him freeze in the spot. His eyes gained a spaced, faraway look, and his mouth hung open.

Long repressed bloody memories of his battalion partners being cruelly murdered one after another in the jungle, during the hellish heat of war, flowed back into him.

And his face gained a demonic, perverse rictus of maniacal bloodlust. It was the most hideous expression Shirou had ever seen or would see.

With an abstract scream, Berserker jumped high, pulling a myriad of hidden weapons out of nowhere...


She picked the phone up. "Hello? Fujimura here. Oh, it's you, Grandfather. Huh? Yes, I'm sitting, why?"

A horrified pause.

"You mean Shirou's been WHAT—?-!"

They only managed to find an arm, the nose, some toes, the heart and two ribs, actually.

Lancer- by Kay4today

"You couldn't even scratch Emiya's Servant!" Shinji Matou hissed at the girl in front of him. Normally he would have shouted, but he didn't want to wake Sakura up. Not that he cared about her sleeping schedule, but she would have asked him if he was all right. And naturally he would have to hit her for that (hitting her always seemed like the right response), but currently his fists hurt like hell. Clearly punching a random wall in rage hadn't been one of his best ideas.

"Well, I would have impaled that pathetic little ant if you weren't so incompetent." The green-haired girl sneered right back at him. She de-materialized her dark armor (with spikes, though Shinji wasn't sure what their purpose was) and wore that weird school uniform again. "How am I supposed to fight the others if you cannot provide me with prana?"

"You're a Servant, aren't you? Can't you just go eat souls or something?"

"I could, but I don't want to! I just want someone to supply me with prana, kill everyone, win the Grail and wish for eternal happiness with Shizuru! I deserve it!" Lancer whined, which seemed like the only thing that she was actually good at. "I know that this stupid Sakura bitch does whatever you tell her to, so tell her she should provide me with prana!"


"We won't win if I don't get a steady prana support."

Shinji gritted his teeth. "Then I'll just make you eat souls!" He smiled smugly, practically shoving his Book of the False Attendant into her face.

Lancer's smile was almost twice as smug. "My magic resistance is high enough to resist your pathetic spellbook, you worm. You should be glad that killing you would be bad for me too, if that wasn't the case you would be long dead." She scoffed. "Just why did I have to get this stupid bitch as a Master?" Oh great, she started whining again.

But at least that was something both could agree on. Their irrational contempt for Sakura Matou.

"Fine." Shinji spat. "Sakura's gonna provide you with prana, but I'm still gonna act as your Master."

"Fine by me." Lancer snarled. "I wouldn't be able to stand this bitch for too long. She reminds me of someone I used to know."

There was a short awkward silence. Shinji broke it.

"So... do you wanna-"

"No, for the last time: I will not sleep with you." Something in her eyes glinted. "... Though perhaps I could be persuaded if you were to acquire a pacifier and some rattles..."

"... That's fucked up."

And when Shinji considered something as fucked up, it really was.

Rider- by Shadow Crystal Mage

"Um, Nii-san..." Sakura said hesitantly, as she tried to ignore her worm-fueled lust. "Could you please not do that in the kitchen? I have to cook in here..."

"Shut up!" Shinji cried as he on the floor and 'his' Servant gave an alternate definition to the Rider Class. "Harder Rider! Harder!"

"Damn it, where's Nin-nin when I need advice?" the busty, purple-haired Rider cried.

He still died, though by that time he'd sort of forgotten there was a Grail War to begin with.

Berserker- by I Am Not Creative Enough

Gilgamesh sneered as he looked at Berserker. "How boorish." He declared, upon seeing the veritable mountain of muscle that stood in front of him. "You are preventing me from continuing my fight with Saber, unthinking brute!"

"Berserker! Obliterate his ass!" Kariya yelled from the background.

"Spiky... blond hair... sticking up..." Berserker murmured, his black eyes seemingly unfocused. Then, all of a sudden, the world trembled as Berserker's face twisted into a delirious and menacing grin. "It's... it's you! KAKAROT!"

Gilgamesh's eyes widened as he saw a sphere of green energy appear in Berserker's right hand. "Hah! You think you can scare the King by acting like a monster!?" He said, eyes narrowing in cold and arrogant fury.

"Monster?" Berserker asked, suddenly calm again. "I am no monster." he added, taking a deep breath. "I AM A DEMON!"

Then he threw the sphere of green energy.

Fuyuki was no more.

Caster- by Eva Unit 01

As he dueled Berserker alongside a certain friendly neighborhood wall-crawler atop an office building, Archer mused, "I'd expected you, of all people, to understand that 'heroism' only brings suffering."

The web-slinger, in sheer incredulousness, took stopped moving for a moment to stare at the Servant in red. "The hell kind of logic is that? Saving lives means that you saved their lives, moron!"

Backflipping off of the wall and web-zipping across the Einzbern Castle entrance hall, he then smacked Archer across the back of his head. "Now get off your mopey, navel-gazing butt and gimme a hand over here!"

Saber had at last found an opponent with honor.

The little boy with red hair and giant gloves once more said, "You're a good person, so I'd rather we not have to fight."

Truly, such an innocent, kindhearted child. Such a person should not have been forced into fighting in the Grail War.

"I agree with your sentiments, but sooner or later, one of us must be vanquished. It is kinder to defeat you now, and spare you as much horror as I can."

The impossibly lifelike mechanical doll replied with a sad smile, before transforming one of his gloves into a fist as big as a truck, with a turtle motif.


Despite having had an arm torn off and sporting several injuries, Lancer's bloodthirsty grin lit up his face. "Never would've dreamed to fight as great an enemy as you! Now come on, let's finish this!"

With a last battle cry, the hound of Chulainn charged at the emerald giant before him.

Shirou said, "Saber, let's do this. The Grail must be destroyed."

She nodded, and readied her sword.

At that time, however, an old man came up the temple steps, surprising the duo. "Pleased to meet you two, Shirou, Saber. Figured I'd led a hand."

With a snap of his fingers, he unleashed his Noble Phantasm.


Suddenly, a group of various heroes had joined Saber, and as one, they unleashed their powers and weapons upon the black void.

One swung his hammer through the air and struck it with a powerful lightning bolt, screaming, "FOR MIDGAAAAAAAAAAARD!"

Another shouted, "FLAME ON!" and went all-out with a powerful blast of fire.

A third, armored figure, flew into the air and said, "Let's not keep the lady waiting, JARVIS, time for a Unibeam at full power!"

With that, the emblem on his chest glowed brightly, before unleashing a laser that could've torn through most buildings without effort.

At the same time, a man in blue spandex ripped the visor from his face and unleashed scarlet hell from his eyes.

Under the combined assualt of the four heroes, quickly joined by Saber's Excalibur, the Grail permanently ceased to exist.

As Caster faded away into light, he faced Shirou and Saber with a smile. "I wish you two the best of luck, young man and lady."

Saber- by Doineedaname

"The power of my Noble Phantasm will easily allow me to defeat you Lancer. Kyoka..." Saber said, his voice utterly confident as he began to recite the name of his Noble Phantasm.

Not intending to allow his opponent to activate his Noble Phantasm Lancer quickly charged forward , aiming his spears at Saber's heart.

Saber managed to move out of the way and avoid the longer of Diarmuid's spears, however he failed to avoid the second, shorter one.

"I've won this fight Saber. You were too slow." Diarmuid said as he impaled the other Servant through the chest.

"Damn you Lancer..." His victim said before the the brown haired, white robed, Servant faded away to reveal Kayneth in his place.

"What...?" Lancer said as he realized that he had somehow been tricked into killing his Master as he was no longer receiving the amount of prana he had been just seconds ago.

"Since when were you under the impression that you struck before I activated my Noble Phantasm?" Saber said from behind Lancer, his voice utterly smug. "This is the power of my Noble Phantasm, anyone who sees it's release is caught in my absolute hypnosis. Thank you for killing your Master Lancer, but I no longer have need of you."

"You bastard! Don't you have any pride!" Lancer yelled as he spun around hoping to kill Saber for his trickery in a fit of rage, only for him to disappear and his spear to pass through thin air.

"This war has no place for pride. Something my Master understands quite well." Saber said from behind Lancer before stabbing him through the back and heart. "Goodbye Lancer."

From his vantage point on the outskirts of the area Kiritsugu couldn't help but feel glad that he had gotten a Servant whose abilities could be used so well in tandem with his own. Saber's illusions would easily allow him to claim victory for the Einzbern.

Caster- by Kay4today

"Your end is near, Saber!" The petite girl shouted in triumph, her wand pointing at the blonde swordswoman. "With my next spell I shall annihilate you and then-" Caster was quickly silenced by a certain boy slamming into her.

"Ow." She whined. "What the hell...?" She looked at the half-conscious boy on top of her and shrieked. "W-What the hell?!"

"I apologize. I must have accidentally kicked him in your direction." Came her Master's bland voice, a boring teacher who couldn't even do any magic and had to resort to cheap... circus-like acts. She didn't know what those moves were, but they were definitely related to the circus.

Then suddenly Caster felt movement on her chest. It was that... boy's head between her breasts! That was totally on purpose, too! She pushed him off her.

The enemy Master shook his head, still confused. "What just happened? And what was that flat surface I felt with my face?"

"You damn hentai-" Louise de La Vallière started as she pointed her wand at the red-headed boy... only to be impaled by a giant longsword. And an axe. And a spear. And another sword.

"Damn." Standing on a nearby pole Gilgamesh sweared, completely out-of-character. "I wanted to watch it until the end, but I just couldn't deal with it anymore."

Shirou Emiya pointed his finger at the golden Servant. "Y-You just killed her! How can you act so nonchalant about it? Say something, Saber."



"It is strange." Saber mused thoughtfully. "For the first time I have met him... I do not feel like beheading Archer at all."

"... Eh?" Shirou blinked dumbly. "W-Wait a moment, you see nothing wrong with what he did either?"

Saber suddenly found the clouds to be very interesting.


"Do not lose your guard, Shirou! There is still an enemy Master we need to deal with."

Shirou's eyes widened. She was right! Kuzuki-sensei... his eyes quickly darted in the man's direction.

But his teacher just stood there and stared at the whole scene with a disinterested look on his face.

"Hm, indeed." Gilgamesh said aloud. "I did not even notice that man until Saber mentioned him. His presence truly is forgettable."

"Hey, why are you still here?" Shirou asked the arrogant King.

Surprisingly Kuzuki-sensei spoke next. "This never happened."

Shirou blinked. "Excuse me?"

"It is strange. Until I met this girl I didn't care about living. But now... now that she is finally gone I feel... happy. Relieved." Kuzuki-sensei smiled a happy, happy and very uncharacteristic and creepy, smile.

"That's... great?"

"I do sense the stick in his rear becoming shorter and shorter." Gilgamesh noted.

"Why are you still here?"

Berserker- by Eva Unit 01.

As the King of Heroes strode toward the severely injured Saber, Gilgamesh arrogantly commanded, "Cease this pointless resistance, and accept your fate as my bride."

At that moment, Rin's Servant, Berserker, came on the scene and, with one look at Gilgamesh's less-than-noble expression, immediately deduced what was going.

"You shameless..."

The redheaded woman's death aura flared as the conditions for her always-active Noble Phantasm were triggered.


What began as a slow walk quickly became an all-out sprint as Berserker recklessly rushed towards Gilgamesh at high speed.


Rearing back her fist, Berserker let out a mad roar.


With that, Berserker slammed her fist into the golden Archer's face with so much force he rocketed through the atmosphere and vanished as if a shooting star.

The next day, the Hubble space telescope found him floating adrift among Jupiter's moons, totally unharmed and very very pissed off, but unable to do much of anything about it.

Berserker- by Shadow Crystal Mage.

As the King of Heroes strode toward the severely injured Saber, Gilgamesh arrogantly commanded, "Cease this pointless resistance, and accept your fate as my bride."

At that moment, Rin's Servant, Berserker, came on the scene and, with one look at Gilgamesh's less-than-noble expression, immediately deduced completely the wrong thing and made a wild accusation.


The redheaded woman's death aura flared as the conditions for her always-active Noble Phantasm were triggered.


What began as a slow walk quickly became an all-out sprint as Berserker recklessly rushed towards Gilgamesh at high back her fist, Berserker let out a mad roar as a mallet suddenly appeared in her hands.


With that, Berserker slammed her Noble Phantasm into the golden Archer's face with so much force he rocketed through the atmosphere and vanished as if a shooting star.

The next day, the Hubble space telescope found him floating adrift among Jupiter's moons, totally unharmed and very very pissed off, but unable to do much of anything about it.

(OM's Note: I think this is supposed to be Ranma, although the mallet is more of Akane's thing…)

Berserker- by I Am Not Creative Enough.

As the King of Heroes strode toward the severely injured Saber, Gilgamesh arrogantly commanded, "Cease this pointless resistance, and accept your fate as my bride."

At that moment, Rin's Servant, Berserker, came on the scene and, with one look at Gilgamesh's less-than-noble expression, immediately deduced completely the wrong thing and made a wild accusation.

"I hate ecchi people." The only proper servant involved announced, voice almost monotone, yet carrying with it an undercurrent of sheer fury and hatred that made even Saber shiver in fear.

Gilgamesh squeed when her hair rose into the air of its own volition and weapons started to form from it.

Assassin- by I Am Not Creative Enough.

Medea blinked. There was a long and drawn out silence after a cacophony of magical noise. "What kind of professional assassin wears pink?" She finally blurted out, looking at what had been summoned.

"Only the best ones." The moustachio'd man said, offering her a condescending smirk. "And I suppose then that you are my master?"

Caster was skeptical... but if this guy helped her win the Grail War, then she didn't care what he dressed like.

Later in the war...

Shirou recklessly charged Assassin, after seeing the pink wearing Asian man utterly destroy his Servant in a melee confrontation, but before he could even make a swing with the shinai he'd projected, Assassin had moved so fast it seemed as if he had teleported to Shirou's side. Faster than anyone had any right to, the man quickly jerked his upper torso and head forward.

There was no hesitation when the assassin poked Shirou's head with his tongue. Specifically, it was two inches to the right of the left eyesocket.

Shirou was dead in an instant, and Assassin turned to face Archer and Rin, his hands still behind his back. "Who will be the next to face me and die?"

Rider- by Handsome Rob.

"Congratulations. You are far less of a Mongrel than most of the worms I've been forced to deal with." By Gilgamesh's count, this one was 0.99% higher on the scale than most. That meant he was almost one percent less of a mongrel than everyone else.

For the King of Heroes, that was quite the compliment.

As for Rider, a man in his mid 40's to early 50's, or maybe older. He stared down Ancient King, unyielding, and unafraid.

"Gilgamesh. You call yourself a king, but what ruling have you done? I'm grossely disappointed." The Epic of Gilgamesh had once saved his life. But if this was the man it was based on, then everything that he'd believed in was a lie. Had Darmok died for nothing?

...No. He would not allow it.

"I rule because I am the only one fit to rule over mongrels such as yourself. That is the only answer one such as you deserves."

"The only one fit...THE ONLY ONE FIT?! WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT?! I HAVE KNOWN ONLY ONE OTHER MAN IN MY LIFE THAT CAME CLOSE TO MATCHING YOUR ARROGANCE, AND HE MANAGED TO HAVE FAR MORE HUMANITY THAN YOU EVEN AT HIS ABSOLUTE WORST! He'd never imagined a day where Q would seem to be the lesser evil, but the universe was truly vast. "If one such as you is the only one fit to rule, then I pity those who are ruled!"

"That is enough out of you!" Gate of Babylon opened behind Gilgamesh as numerous Noble Phantasms began to poke their heads out, ready to pierce and slash Rider's body to pieces. Still the bald headed servant garbed in a strange red uniform did not back down, nor show fear, facing the king of heroes with stoic and defiant stare that set Gilgamesh's teeth on edge. Didn't this fool understand his place?

"You have five seconds to enjoy what is left of your life." The Golden secant hissed.

"I do not require one Gilgamesh!" He tapped the strange triangle shaped badge on his chest. "Enterprise! One to beam up!

Gilgamesh watched as the annoying mongrel disappeared in a sparkle of lights that kind looked like glitter being swirled in a glass of water.

"WHAT?!" The King was baffled by the sudden disappearance of his opponent...

"Oh." He looked up towards the sky, even though there was nothing least not to anyone with normal eyes. "Is that where you were hiding?" The other weapons of Gate of Babylon receded, but a new one came out in their place. The umistakable spiral sword.


"Captain!" The strange pale skinned man who was not a man spoke. "Sensor indicate that they is a large build up of energy on the planet. It's nothing that we can identify though." Never before had the Enterprise encountered such a energy pattern as this, and never had such power come from single individual.

"I'm not surprised Mr. Data." Since being called for this war, he'd seen things that mocked everything he thought he knew about the universe. "Mr Worf!"

"Yes Captain!"

"Can you ensure minimal damage to the surrounding area when we begin our assault?"

"indeed Captain. I can not explain it, but the accuracy of our weapons is greater than ever! It must be these...class skills granted to you."

"We will ponder the mechanics of the grail and it's war later Mr. Worf." On the main screen Gilgamesh grinned (the only way he knew how) arrogantly as he charged EA with all the power that could be mustered. Rider pointed forwards.

"Fire main phasers, and all Photon Torpedoes!

It was time for the King to be dethroned.

Caster- by Rikalous

The swordsman in red and the swordswoman clashed blades, leapt back, and were about to clash again when they were interrupted by the metallic figures grabbing at the swordfighters and throwing themselves into the way of the swords. The Servants' protests only made them cry out "We cannot, through inaction, allow human beings to come to harm!"

"Drop your weapons!" demanded the elderly, bespectacled man who had arrived with them. "We have no time for your petty duels. Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent, and there are more important matters than this little war. My computations have determined that humanity will one day be rejected by the very Earth and driven to extinction. I know a way to avert this, but we have to start work as soon as possible."

Sadly, psychohistory has trouble accounting for truly exceptional individuals. Humanity was wiped out within a week. These things happen.

Magical Girl- by Rikalous

Saber knew better than to let her guard down just because the smiling, red-haired figure waiting at the mountain gate was a girl younger than the King of Knights looked. That let her block the two-by-four that appeared when the girl shouted "Magical Destroy Swing!" Completely baffled by such an odd Noble Phantasm, she jumped back to regroup as the girl invoked the enormous blade called Magical Pudding Knife. You see, Saber knew nothing of the Magical Girl class, where paired children were summoned rather than the more traditional ancient warriors. If she had, she wouldn't have been so surprised by the blow to her back and the voice growling "None but my demon cannon girl can fly higher than me."

Caster's new Servants were undeniably powerful, to defeat a Saber, and they were hardly the first children she'd seen be stained by battle. It didn't make their sheer cheerfulness about violence any less creepy.

(OM's Note: I had no idea who were these Servants, but Rikalous says they come from a manganime titled The Lucifer and Biscuit Hammer).

Caster- by I Am Not Creative Enough.

Saber panted as she laid down Excalibur, which still glowed with the tremendous discharge of power that she had just used to finally, finally put an end to Caster.

He was a remarkably tough cockroach, always somehow managing to slip away before he could be put down for real, but now, now she'd finally won the goddamn Grail War. She'd had to use Excalibur perhaps a few too many times, but it was all so she could finally put Caster to rest and out of her mind. She was finally done!

Now all she had to do was reach for the grail, grasp it in her hands and make her wish become a reality! She'd shown all those idiots! She'd kicked their asses and shown them not to mess with the King of Knights, and after all of her effort and suffering, everything would pay off!

The grail took the form of Irisviel wearing a see-through white robe (not that Saber was looking at her body, no sir), smiling saintly and holding the exhausted King in her arms. "It's been a tough journey, Saber... but it's finally over. You can finally rest. Stay with me for a while... You can always trust me, after all, I'm never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down..."

Then the illusion broke and she found herself, lying on the ground, broken, bruised and beaten. Her eyes were beginning to blur as pain overtook her senses, but the words in the sky were as clear as clear could be. They read the following:

"You've been Rick Rolled!"

Caster- by Eva Unit 01

The Matou family observed the Servant that had appeared before them. She was wearing only green short shorts and a white sleeveless tee shirt, and had white bony protrusions sticking out of her long pink hair, which matched with her equally pink eyes.

Bubbly as could be, she declared, "Nyu!"

Shinji drawled, "Good god, Sakura, did you summon some kind of retard?"

Caster, uncomprehending the question, happily raised her hand and yelled, "YES!"

Irritated by the - to anyone with a soul - adorable young lady, Shinji slapped her. "You're my Servant now, speak only when spoken to!"

As he prepared to activate the Book of False Attendant, Caster slowly began to rise up. However, where her face had been freely exposed for all to see, her hairstyle had now changed, almost entirely hiding her face in shadow.

The stark contrast made her sole visible eye glow with a venom Sakura had never seen before, and the faint light lent Caster's smile a terrifying glint of madness.

As Caster got to her feet, Shinji's arms suddenly flew off in a spray of blood, before he was slammed into the floor.

"Tell me, " Caster began, "do you get off on abusing others? Does it make you feel like something other than a pathetic worm? Does it make you feel like a man?"

Without waiting for a response, Caster made Shinji's head explode with a wave of her hand.

Then, she pointed at Sakura's chest, and clenched her fist. As she did so, Zouken screamed out in agony as the composite worms in his body began to rapidly shrivel up and die.

Sakura fell back and tried to scramble away in horror, as Caster imperiously stood over her without expression. Before she could speak, however, Caster screamed and clutched her head in pain, before reverting to her bubbly, innocent personality.

Two weeks later

It was, to Sakura, sickeningly easy. Her Servant could strike without warning from across the city, without regard for physical obstructions, and all it took was to slightly tweak an artery in her opponent's brain.

Caster had killed every Servant and every enemy Master she encountered, except for one. And then Caster killed the Church Overseer, the only creature in Fuyuki a fouler monster than she was.

That one alone, she allowed to live, because of the way her own Master looked at him.

It was a look Caster had recognized all too well, and because of that look, she allowed Shirou Emiya to live, even as he battled and hated her for murdering Saber, Rin, and Ilya.

And as horrified as Sakura had become, to see her estranged sister casually murdered alongside so many others, a part of her - a part Sakura tried very hard to ignore, but was bigger than she liked - was glad.

Senpai was hers, after all, and with Caster fading away from the War's end, she had no remaining competition for his heart.

Rider- by Handsome Rob

"WILL! KNIIIIIFE!" Rider yelled so loud, he would have deafened lesser men. Saber was surprised when she was pushed back despite her use of prana burst.

"I-I'm impressed Rider." The King of Knights was sincere in her praise. " You certainly possess great skill and power."

"That's because Victory always goes to the most Courageous, Saber!" Rider continued to push her, the strange emerald on his wrist glowing brighter with every passing moment. "My power has always come from my Courage, and my courage has given me the power to overcome any obstacle no matter how bleak things have gotten!"

Despite knowing she was losing ground, Saber's pride a knight would not allow her to give up. This man was battling her with all his heart, and with a honest and nobility that she had only seen from one other warrior before. It would be good to have a battle with a fellow knight.

"Saber!" Rider suddenly broke off his assault, leaping back onto a building. " You've fought well... but you are missing something." Saber was startled by Rider's suddenly declaration. "No... it's more like you are bound by something. A truth you can't face." Rider could tell that there was something weighing on her. He could see it in her eyes.

"I don't know what it is, or what effect it's had on you but... IF YOU CAN'T FACE IT, THEN YOU'LL NEVER MATCH MY COURAGE! GAAAAALLLEEEEOOOOOOOONNNNNNN!"

And then, Saber could only watch awe-struck as a gigantic mechanical lion appeared above Rider.

"Fusion!" She could only stare in disbelief as Rider backflipped into the stone in the lion's head. then suddenly, it's form began to change, until it had changed into a bipedal robot. "GAIGAR!"

"I-Incredible!" Saber was dumbfounded. What had she just seen?

"This is just the beginning of my courage Saber? Can you match this?! GAO MACHINES!"

What is he doing now? Saber thought as more machines began to appear. Soon the bipedal robot had become some kind of juggernaut made up of multiple machines. "GAAAAOOOOOOGAAAAAAIIIIIIIGAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRR!- !"

Saber stared at the creature before her. A mechanical Chimera. Will wonders never cease?

"...however Rider..." She released Invisible Air, revealing the true form of Excalibur, with glow with holy light. "Perhaps I cannot match your courage, but I still have my pride. I will not fall here!"

"VERY WELL SABER! LET'S GO!" Gaogaigar charged, and Saber raised Excalibur to challenge it as the two proud and courageous lions roared.

Rider- by Kay4today

"This should be a good spot." The grey-haired girl observed the nearby terrain with the binoculars she had just acquired earlier.

Or rather, she had told her Master to acquire them.

"Good spot for what? You haven't told me what's going on." Said Master complained now, causing Rider to roll her eyes. Waver Velvet, a magus from England. She might have had tolerated his complaining if his voice hadn't been so whiny and annoying.

"Shut up. If we were being watched, it would be unwise of me to tell you." In truth she was very sure that no one was watching them, but she wanted to enjoy seeing her Master's awe when she summoned her vehicle. Telling him before would ruin the surprise!

"D-Don't tell me to shut up! I'm your Master!"

Rider turned her face to him. "So what? I'm much stronger than you and more capable in every possible way, so it's logical that I'm in command here. And one has to discipline her subordinates, don't you agree?"

"Y-You...!" Waver looked at his Command Seals.

Rider snorted. "You shouldn't think of using them for petty reasons like that. We should save them for emergencies. Don't worry, Master. Just let me handle things and I will win the Grail for you." She smiled smugly, as if she had already won the War on the first day.

Before Waver could retort something, Rider quickly turned her head and began looking into her binoculars again.

"Ah, it seems there already are two other Servants fighting. A blonde girl and a dark-haired man. I don't see her weapon, but he has two spears." She snickered. "This will be easy."

"Behold, Master!" Servant Rider snapped her fingers.

An ear-piercing explosion erupted and Waver was thrown back by the force. He sat up in daze and looked at the... wait, was that a... tank?

"Let's give them hell with my beloved Tiger!" Rider shouted pompously, then grabbed Waver's collar, jumped on the tank and threw her half-conscious Master inside. She dramatically pointed her finger at the two fighers below.


Berseker- by Psyga 315.

"... This is not the Berserker I asked for..." Zouken said as the servant stood before him and Kariya. Instead of the infamous Black Knight, they instead got a 40-year old man in a gray suit with a simple and clean hair cut and a mustache that's as wide as his nose.

"Where am I? Is this another one of Fegelein's antics?" Berserker asked.

"No. No. You're supposed to confirm who your Master is." Zouken said.

"Master? No one is my Master! I'm my own damn Master! No one tells me what to do! Now bring me Fegelein!" Berserker said. Zouken groaned.

"Get him to turn on Mad Enhancement. He'll have to do for now." Zouken said as Kariya did just that... However, as he turned it on, Berserker still talked normally, but more louder and with only one word.


Archer- by Psyga 315

"How's this possible?" Tokiomi said as he noticed the Servant he summoned wasn't the legendary hero Gilgamesh. He was blonde, but he looked more like a teenager or even a young adult than an actual respectable king.

"How's it going?" The Servant asked him.

"… Not good. Are you even an Archer?" Tokiomi said, looking around for any bows or any sort of archery weapon.

"Uh… I don't think so… I'm not even sure what the hell are you talking about. I don't even care." Stephano said. He then looked across the room and noticed a small statuette of a thinking man. "STEPHANO!" Archer said as he walked to the statuette and picked it up.

"I am Stephano, I know everything." He said in a rough voice, moving around the statuette as if it was talking to him.

"Do you know where I am?" Archer asked.

"I do not know… But do not trust that man!" He jiggled around the statuette as he turned to Tokiomi.

"Why? He seems like a trustworthy guy. He's all finely dressed and everything." Archer said to 'Stephano'. Tokiomi walked up to him and took the statue from him.

"We're going into a war. This isn't the time for fun and games." He said, glaring at Archer.

"War? Ah, man, I can do war. What's the worst that can happen?" Archer asked.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Archer screamed as he was being chased by a roaring black fog with a red light as it just took control of a fighter jet, firing missiles at Archer.

"WHY DID YOU GIVE SAKURA TO ZOUKEN?" The fog's Master, Kariya, asked Tokiomi.



"NO! AT LEAST I DON'T THINK SO!" Tokiomi said.

"AAAAAAAAAAAH!" Archer kept on screaming. This chase would last the entire fight with Servant Caster.

"What the hell is he doing?" Kirei asked Tokiomi as he saw Archer dancing around waving a cooked pig up and down.

"That's what he usually does when he's not fighting Servants… I wanted Gilgamesh, but noooooooooooo, the Grail spat out someone else instead." Tokiomi said.

"So… Uh… Why did you call me here again?" Archer asked a big burly man with red hair and a beard wearing Greek armor.

"The War is nearing its climax. Only four Servants remain, and I assume Servant Saber is taking on Berserker as we speak." The man said.

"Oooooh, scary fog guy… Yeah, she's boned." Archer said.

"In that case, only one of us will have the honour of facing the final Servant. May the best Servant win." The man said. Soon, wind blew as the world around them turned into a massive desert. He was soon facing Rider and his army of the thousands. If this Archer was the one Tokiomi intended, he would have stood a chance.

Sadly, the career of Servant Archer was cut short in one swift charge.

Saber- by Rikalous

Rin knew that Servants didn't always dress like you'd expect from an ancient hero, but seeing one dressed in what looked like a school uniform was still bizarre. The fact that Servant Saber carried a gun at his hip was pretty weird as well, but having summoned a sword-wielding Archer she didn't have much room to talk.

The enemy Servant didn't try to block or dodge Archer's first attack, silently accepting the blows. Then, as his wounds knit together slightly, he drew his gun and with a twirling flourish, shot himself in the head as he cried out, "Satan!"

Rin and Archer stared in utter bafflement as Saber inexplicably failed to die. What looked like shards of glass exploded from the side of his head instead of blood and brains, and above him rose a Thing. There was really no better term to describe it. It looked like an enormous, black-carapaced humanoid with the lower body of a snake, a pair of thick, bony tentacles, six grasping arms, six beetle-like wings, and for some horrible reason, a triple column of exposed breasts. Rin was beginning to suspect that entering the war had not been her best decision.

As for Archer, he had just long enough to think Oh no, not agai- before the blow hit him.

(OM's Note: Aaaand this seems to be one Minato Arisato from Persona 3, going from what Eva Unit 01 told me, but I honestly know nothing on the character myself).

Temptress- by Handsome Rob.


Rider was sent flying back through a few trees as the attack struck her right in the stomach, knocking the wind clean out of her lungs.

'This woman...' Temptress was most likely one of the oddest classes the Holy Grail war had ever turned out. Long green hair (though not as long as Riders), a full body suit with a plunging neck like that showed off her ample bust, and a heart shaped cut-out just under her breasts that showed off her stomach. A pair of wings on her back (and smaller ones on her head) that clearly revealed she was not human. Temptress was a blood drinker and life sucker whose actions seemed to be done less out of maliciousness or stupidity, and more out of a desire to simply have a good time.

"Is it over already? I was just beginning to enjoy myself!" Hearing the woman's smug voice set Rider's teeth on edge, but she quickly calmed herself.

"If you want I can give you a free shoOOOOOOGHHHHH!" Rider shot out from the pile of trees and rocks she'd be buried under, driving a fist right into Temptress' stomach. Now it was the Succubus' turn to fly(without the aid of her wings at that) as she was sent hurtling back, crashing to the ground and leaving a large crater.

"No need for that. You should focus on surviving instead of having fun. This is a fight to the death after all." Rider responded with an even tone.

Temptress pulled herself out of the hole , covered in dirt and grime, but no less annoyed. She gave a soft smile...

Then rocketed toward Rider...literally. Her wings actually transformed into a rocket pack, and she sped towards Rider at ridiculous speeds. The purple haired servant was able to avoid the attack, but only barely.

"SHADOW BLADE!" Rider was able to counter the next attack: Temptress changed her wings back to normal, and then turned one of them into a blade and did an uppercut. Rider used her nails to counter, but the force sent her flying into the air. Fortunately, she was able to regain her sense, righting herself in mid air; she then threw a chain at one of the near by trees and pulled herself out of the way of another attack (Temptress had wrapped her wings around her legs like a drill and tried to kick her).

Seconds later, the two were engaged in battle once again; Rider leapt off the trees like a bullet, meeting Temptresses charges with her Rocket wings, and the two clashed again and again.

'Despite all my preparations, all I've been able to do is equalize us.' The Servant thought grimly. Rider had done everything she could to push this battle in her favour: Setting it up in the Einzbern forest where the numerous trees would give her spots to leap off of and meet Temptress in the air; setting up Blood Fort Andromeda in the Forest to seal the woman off (and suck up the blood of any creatures within, mostly animals but the occasional human as well even if Sakura would not be happy about it) and finally removing Breaker Gorgon in order to make full use of her mystic eyes of petrification.

All these actions seemed to only slow temptress down to the point where she and Rider was maybe on equal level and that discounted the fact that the latter might still be holding back in order to enjoy the fight.

"Bored now." Rider was brought out of her thoughts as the Green haired woman's voice echoed in her ear.

When did she get behind me?! Suddenly, Rider found herself wrapped up in Temptress' arms and numerous...Tentacles (where did those come from), crushing their bodies (especially their large chests) together as Temptress rocketed them into the sky and began rocketing back towards the earth, spinning like a top.

"This is the end dear. It's been fun...oh." That was the only reaction the Succubus gave as Rider used the chains that bound her nails together to tie up Temptress in turn. Not only that, she'd cut her own neck with one of the nails just before before being tied up. A summoning circle appeared behind them.

"If things are going to end, lets make it a spectacular one... BELLEROPHON!

Temptress did not know what was pushing them down, but both women were engulfed in a bright light which, combined with the speed of her Vector Drain attack sent them both crashing to the ground like a fireball. The explosion their landing created put an even larger crater in the ground, scattered dust for miles, and scared the shit of out anyone or anything dumb enough to be nearby.

"Urggg!" Within the cloud of dust and dirt, the sound of two people straining and groaning could be heard. When things became visible again, Rider and Temptress were revealed, hands clasped in a test of strength, digging heels into the ground as the earth under them had trenches dug into it, both women bringing ridiculous amounts of strength to bear, but still failing to move the other back even a tiny bit. They were face to face, eye to eye, and...docking (this had happened multiple times. Rider was sure her opponent was doing it on purpose). It was rare for Rider to not have to look down at someone, but Temptress was a match for her in height as well as strength.

"I willl say this much Temptress, " Rider said through gritted teeth, "For an abnormal servant, you are powerful."

"Why thank you dear. You're not bad yourself." Temptress responded. She was still smiling, but there was definitely hints of stress in her voice. "This servant thing is fun. I'm actually having to try for a change. I'm glad I let myself be summoned instead of coming here normally. This is much more interesting!"

Rider decided not to put too much thought into how strong this woman would be if she wasn't bound by the Fuyuki Grail wars restrictions (and she might still be holding back). She was already using far more of her Monsterous strength than she ever had before without starting to change.

"After we are done here, " Temptress continued, "How about..." She whispered something in Rider's ear that made the other actually blush.

"I have told you before This is a Duel to the Death, not a date." Rider said bluntly.

"It's all the same to me." Temptress responded. "In fact, lets make it a dinner date." And then, she sunk her teeth into Rider's neck.

"Uuuuuhhhh!" Rider moaned, and not in the way she expected either. Not coincidentally, Temptress had wrapped her arms around Rider in a crushing grip, to prevent escape. Unable to break free, Rider opted to fight fire with fire, Wrapping her own arms around Temptress and Bear hugging her right back, while sinking her own fangs into the Succubus' neck. Temptress somehow managed to moan despite her mouth being full.

"AAAAAHH!" Well let it not be said that the future queen of Makai didn't enjoy a little delicious irony. This was definitely a first for her. 'It's going to be a shame to kill this one. But it will be fun taming her!' The two women continued their blood sucking duel.


"Whoa." That was all anyone watching the battle (from the safety of the Einzbern castle) could say. Temptress' physcial might and more irregular abilities (men pretty much lost their heads at the sight of her, and even some women weren't immune) made it impossible for any but Rider a chance in a one on one fight, with the nigh unlimited Prana Sakura provided her. Numerous familiars had been employed to allow them to observe from a distance (numerous because the intensity of the fight meant they had to send out a new one to replace the ones that got destroyed).

"This is awesome." Shirou mumbled. Rin slapped him upside the head, but her didn't seem to notice.

"Shut it." Rin said, while secretly agreeing. She'd been unaware she was into girls.

"Sempai...Nee-san..." Sakura was a little perturbed by their fascination with the battle (thought even she could hardly talk).

They watched as the two women broke off from their blood sucking, Rider again cutting her own neck to invoke Bellerophon, while Temptress created, of all things, a large cannon made of the bats that occasionally surrounded her.




Needless to say, the clash between the two attacks was nothing less than titanic.

Ruler- by Handsome Rob.

The Einzbern Forest had just born witness to a titanic struggle between orthodox Class Rider, and the very unorthodox Class of Temptress.

The Two servants last clash had sent up a large mushroom cloud at the sight of the explosion, and it was currently impossible for anyone to see anything within. Only the combined force of the Forests numerous defenses and the inescapable Blood Fort Andromeda had ensured that the existence of the Grail War was not revealed to anyone who had eyes.

Temptress was catching her breath. It was a new experience for her; she honestly couldn't remember the last time she'd been tired. Then again, she'd purposely given up a lot of her full power in order to be available to summon, and Rider had done a good job of weakening her further. She honestly wasn't sure if she could win... and that was the best part. a story is much more fun when you don't know the ending after all, and after being alive for so long, she'd been anxious to try something new.

It also helped that Rider was pretty damned hot as well.

She was currently completely naked; the bats that had made up her clothes not being hardy enough to survive the explosion. Her main wings were also gone, leaving her with only her head wings. She was gasping for air, bruised, sweaty and dirty.

"I really like this one. If I survive this, I'll definitely keep her, and maybe that master of hers as well. The shy ones are always interesting." Mere moments after hearing those words, she managed to make out some movement in the smoke. Then she heard the snap of a twig. It was coming, and fast.

'Whoops! Guess I hit a nerve on that one!' She forgotten how protective Medusa(A real Medusa! She'd been sure those didn't exist anymore!) was of her Master. The other woman was launching a new assault before she could fully recover. 'Oh well.' Temptress didn't need to be able to see the other woman to tell where she was coming from, gleefully leaping forward to meet her head on. Time for some more Foreplay.

She threw a fist right at the spot where she knew Rider was, and in return saw a Rider's fist coming straight towards her in all the dust and smoke. Their fists flew right by each other and buried themselves in the face of their opponent.

The force of the blows were like a sonic boom that broke through the massive dust cloud, scattering it, and revealing the two women to each other fully. Rider apparently shopped from the same store of poor explosion protection as Temptress, because she was just as naked as the Succubus, but knowing the other woman had plans for Sakura made her just as uncaring. They stood there for a few seconds, fists smashed into faces, feet digging more trenches into the ground since neither had moved an inch when the blows struck...

Then both pulled their fists away, backed up a few inches, and then charged again, extending one arm.

Double Clothesline. Both Servants were sent right off their feet, landing flat on their backs, and groaning. Still that didn't stop them. In perfect synch, they flipped back on their feet, turned around, and with more strength then you would expect considering how tired they should have been starting trading punches at such ridiculous speed you'd think they were afraid it would go out of style at any moment.

This went on for a few minutes, and while they fought something strange happened... Water. The forest seemed to be filling with water. It wasn't raining. It was more like it was being poured into the area. Rider and Temptress were too tired and focused on each other to notice, continuing their battle.

It seemed they finally noticed when Rider actually slipped while throwing a punch, causing her to fall flat on her face. The ground around their feet had been soaked to the point it was now slippery mud.

"HA HA HA HA!" Temptress couldn't help but laugh. "You really need to watch where your footing dear!" Rider responded by tripping the laughing woman with a sweep kick, sending her face first into the mud. Temptress sat there for a moment, letting things sink in. "Let me guess: now we Mud wrestle right? Sounds a little kinky..." Rider tackled her before she could finish, but the Succubus didn't complain. This just got better and better.

Meanwhile the water level continued to rise, as the two women fought on, getting covered in more and more mud, until they were caked in it from head to toe. They ended up Entwining Fingers in another mercy fight, despite the difficulty of gaining proper footing or a good grip considering how slippery everything was with all the mud. Their arms, which had been over their heads went out to the sides, and their bodies slid closer together until they were, once again(and to Temptress's great joy and Rider's slight annoyance) pressing against each other. Especially impressive assets.

"As much as I'm... urrgh! enjoying this, I have to ask where all this mud came from?" Temptress said as she stared down Rider, trying to push the latter back. "That's...I admit... that is a good question." Rider responded. She knew she should be focused on the fight, but it was a good question. There was no rain, and she didn't think they were near a stream of any sort.

"That would be my doing ladies."

The new voice cut through the air, intreupting the ultimate battle of ultimate sexiness, and causing both women to turn their heads(while still grappling) at the new arrival.

A blonde haired man wearing golden mail shirt and Green pants, with an ''A'' shaped buckle along the waist. In his left hand, he held a golden Trident.

"A good battle, and while I regret not allowing you two to finish, I feel you've weakened each other enough for me to make my move.'' As entertaining as their naked wenchery had been, it was time to put an end to this.

"You're joking right?" Temptress couldn't take this man seriously. "You're just a fish man." He was different from the Curiously attractive one she knew in her world, but she'd never been impressed with Fish-men before.

"Do you really believe you can fight against both of us even weakened as we are?" Rider asked in all honesty. "What will you intend to do? Ask your fish friends to assist you?"

The Golden haired man simply smiled. "As a matter of fact..." And then he slammed his Trident into the ground. Suddenly a huge wave appeared from nowhere, almost like it heard the call of its Master. The two women could only stare in bewilderment before it engulfed them both, forcefully separating them.

"Oh, I neglected to mention: my class is Ruler." He had no problem speaking despite all the water. An obvious advantage of being a ''Fish-man" He then moved to the side so that the Shark he summoned could have it's dinner.


A minute later, it was done. Rider and Temptress were worse for wear, but still not beaten.

"You'll need more than that Fish-man." Temptress said. "Though after I'm done with this one, I'll be sure to look you up." That little trick of his had potential(very naughty potential: Succubus remember?).

"You should be proud. I've decided you are a great threat to me and my master." Rider knew fighting two opponents at once(one of whom was completely fresh) would not be easy, but while this man's attack had been damaging, she'd just spent a good amount of time tanking much worse.

"No, I still have something else." Rider and Temptress noticed a shadow above their heads. " I want to thank you for staying so close together..."

The two female servants looked up...

"And forgive me for not being noble enough to not cheat."

...and promptly got a whale dropped on their heads.

Ruler nodded approvingly. A good king takes full stock of the situation and ends things quickly. It was time to move on.

(OM's Notes: Handsome Rob asked me to make clear the only reason why Morrigan has vampire-like fangs in these snippets is because he had assumed she'd have them when he started writing this, but I don't see what's the big deal about it. Anime girls sprout fangs all the time, seemingly at random, anyway!)

NEXT: Negi Springfield? The Ice King? Kraven the Hunter? Moby Dick? Konoe Tota? Excel Excel? Spawn? The Teen Titans? We'll see.