Disclaimer: I own nothing.
A/N: This came after the Justice League #20. I never read the book, but what I gather from forums and pictures online, I got pissed and this is the result of never ending frustration with the comic book and how much it sucks. And as a heads up, I set this up in New 52 and this will be in Batman's point of view. Just to be clear, I don't really think this is how Batman thinks. This is basically a parody into Batman's situation in the New 52 Justice League book and how I think his issues should be solved. Remember, this is a PARODY. I made this in one day, when I usually take my time with chapters in one week at least. The story is going to switch from first person to third person. Don't worry, you know when it switch.
To say that I am angry would be an understatement. I am royally pissed off. Like Amazon Princess pissed off!
I keep asking myself this one question, "Why am I still here?" I can't believe that I even stayed this long in the team. If this is even a team considering how nonexistent the team chemistry is.
Why do I feel like I am the bad person in the story? I don't feel like myself. Everything I ever did, coming to this point, is not what Batman would have done; like comforting the villain after we take him down. That doesn't seem like something I would have done.
Well, none of that will matter now. I have all I need in this envelope. Clark is doing monitor duty right now. Most likely Diana would be with him. I guess it makes sense that they become a couple; if you were a five year old. They have the worst chemistry I have ever seen on a couple. It goes to show that matching colors and almost identical superpowers doesn't go that far in a relationship. I already see it ending and hopefully it will soon because their love story is worse than Twilight. Yes, there is a love story more horrible than Twilight. It's very comical to me how their relationship came to be. I even laughed at Clark's pick up line, "You're strong" and Diana's response, "I know." And looking at the situation from a far, Clark has basically become the rebound guy for Diana! And Diana is just going to be the other girl to Kent or what some media is calling her, the sexy sidekick. I feel sorry for her; I really do since her reputation has been dragged to the mud. So I gave her what she really needs. She needed a man like me. She always loves smelling my crotch area. I knew she would like it. I spray very expensive cologne down there. But none of her or any of the League members will matter anymore after I drop this envelope and made my announcement. I am done.
As I finally made it into the Monitor Room, I saw the whole founding members there. Good. This would make everything easier for me, so I don't have to explain myself if one of them tries to visit me and ask me why I did what I had to do.
It probably sucks that they all know where I live. Why I reveal my secret identity to them, I would never know? That was the worst mistake of my life. Revealing myself to Hal of all people and tell him my life story. Why did I do that and in the middle of the day, I don't know. Maybe I was high or drunk. I certainly felt that way.
With a dramatic flourish, like my old friend always taught me, I drop the envelope in front of Superman. He looked down at the envelope with confusion and look up at me with a raised eyebrow.
"What's this?" Superman asked.
"My resignation; I am resigning from the League as effective immediately." I replied. And with that I turned back to the exit with my cape dramatically flowing with me. But I was stopped in my tracks when I hear Kent clearing his throat to get my attention.
"Umm… you can't leave the team Bruce."
"Watch me." I tried to be as short with my speech as possible so I don't have to spend another second on this place. I don't even know why he wants me to stay. As a friend maybe, but I don't want to stay here. All I have ever been in the team was the butt end of the jokes for not having superpowers. All I can seem to do is yelling at this people and get my ass kicked. A lot. I am not needed here. And it seems like every single time, somebody grabs my throat. Like when I was helping Aquaman out with his problem. I was very supportive of him and I even let him try to talk to his brother to stop a war from happening. Even though I should have apprehended his brother and beat the living crap out of him for drowning the greatest city on Earth. And when Clark and Diana arrived in the scene, I was just standing there, minding my own business. And Aquaman grabs my throat for no reason. That would be the last time I help fish sticks out.
"No, I mean you can't leave. You have to stay here."
"Why? You don't need me. You have Cyborg. I'm just a man."
"Yeah… but you are Batman. We need you for the sales number." Clark explained. This is really getting on my nerves; I just want to get out of here. "If you are not with us, nobody is going to buy the book and sales will plummet. I'm sorry Bruce, but you have to stay. Even if the writer doesn't like you." That last sentence that just came out of his mouth is the reason why I want to resign.
I was having a giant headache from all this. So the only reason I can't resigned from the League is because they need me for sales numbers. I swear God hates me.
"Okay… how about I become a part time member. Just message me when you need me." I tried to give us something we can both agree upon. I tried to use reason and logic to a group of superheroes with no common sense. That's where I made my big mistake.
"Sorry Bruce. But we need you here at all times in the front lines with us. I know it's smarter for you to stay back and just come in unexpected as our x-factor, but we need you to look stupid so everybody else looks good." Can somebody give me another face-palm moment?
"Even though my son just died, you won't let me leave." With Clark shaking his head, I know I still couldn't get what I wanted. I feel defeated. Like when I couldn't find Diana's weakness. I tried reading books and mythos about Amazons, but it was too boring. Not exciting, not even a little bit.
"It's okay Bruce. At least you are not depicted as an unintelligent woman, who can't think for herself and have Kal do the thinking for me, and who can only make one friend that turns into a murderous cat lady in five years since I got here. All I am is the very attractive woman with big breast. And the only thing I can do is be super strong and whack everything with my sword like I am a twelve year old boy playing with Star Wars light sabers." Diana added. I swear I am totally miserable at this place. Heck, I prayed to God and promise him I go to church every Sunday if he gets me out of this bad book.
Just suddenly, I hear a big boom. I immediately turn around to a flash of light and was knocked out. The last thing I saw was a tall, dark figure, with gauntlets, and pointy ears standing above me before my lights went out and my world turn black. Maybe I can still get out of this after all. And return to my 'darkness'… where Snooki is waiting.
The Justice League was shocked to see what just happened. Another Batman came out of a portal and knocked out their Batman. And he drags the unconscious Batman and throws him into the portal. The portal was close and everybody's eyes were still big from what they have just witnessed. They don't know what to do. They actually fear this new Batman than the one they used to hang around with. Like they don't want to grab his throat like their Batman and make him look bad. The new Batman had what seems to be a dark aura into him, than a douche bag personality from the way he turns around and glares at them.
"Umm… excuse me? But who are you?" Diana asked. She tries to be polite and respectful. She hopes that this Batman will be at least more useful than the other Batman.
"Batman," The new Batman replied in a dark baritone growl, which made the whole team spines shivered, "That idiot opened Pandora's Box and switch me and him from the beginning. From now on, I will be a part time member. No questions asked. If you people need my help, and you will, call me."
"Wait, who was our Batman then?" Superman asked. He guesses he has to make friends with the new Batman. Ever since from the beginning, he felt like he was not acting like himself. He tried to be darker and a little more edgy. But that is not him. His Ma and Pa didn't raise him to be like that. He guesses since the new Batman seems more intimidating, he can be his true self from now on. Just Clark Kent, somebody who possessed so much power, but really just want an ordinary life with an ordinary job.
"He is nicknamed 'The Situation' in a universe where there is no superheroes on Earth. He had plastic surgery so he can look like Bruce Wayne." Batman replied. Superman guess that would be the reason why 'their' Batman was talking about football and was about to quote Dragon Ball Z when they first met each other.
"Wow. A wanna-be Batman and we have been hanging around with him for five years. Can't believe he lasted that long." Flash commented.
"Good riddance. That land dweller was a complete fool." Aquaman added to Flash's comment.
"Umm… Batman?" Clark didn't know who is behind the new Batman's mask since it is lined with lead, "Where is Pandora's Box? Something that powerful shouldn't be unguarded."
"Trust me… you don't want to know where it is. And tell Geoff Johns, that he can shove the typewriter up his ass." Batman said as he turns around with a flourish with his cape as he started striding out of the room. Unbeknownst to him while he is walking away, Diana was looking at him like a lioness would look at a gazelle. She was very intrigued by their new Batman. He was dark, mysterious, arrogant, emotionless, noble, heroic, and seems to not care what anyone thinks. And he seems to not be a pushover and pathetic like their last Batman. She is definitely going to break up with Kal immediately. She knows he wouldn't care since he is still chasing after a certain reporter so she knows it wouldn't matter. The Justice League barely runs like a real team, but she has a feeling with this new Batman, things are about to change. And she couldn't be more excited, especially her new goal of getting the new Batman to notice her every asset.
A/N: Since I been having writer's block, I just used this to try to get back into writing. Nothing much but I hope you enjoy. Especially the Situation being Batman in the beginning. I think he can be called 'the Batuation'. So if you guys happen to stumble upon Geoff Johns Batman (I hope you guys don't), just think of the Situation as the guy underneath the Batman suit instead of Bruce Wayne. That is the only explanation of why Batman is acting like he is in the Justice League story.
P.S.- I don't watch Jersey Shore!