Author's notes:

Half way through this you are going to hate the living shit out of me. but please go on. i promise you'll love me again by the end.


The week - their week - passed by in blur of love-making, whispered promises and bliss. Adam had never been more happy. His smile would for ever be plastered to his face. He gave James everything of himself, every ounce of love, every loving kiss he was capable of. He'd barely slept the whole week long, watching over James' restless slumber. He didn't want to waste a single second he had left by James side, for his decision had been made and Adam saw no turning back.

The doctor had granted him a clean bill of health at the end of the week and James was now driving him back home - his home - to gather up a couple of stuff so they could move in together permanently - in James' larger home in the Hollywood hills.

James' phone rang - as if on cue - Logan calling to say that they needed James in the studio to record a brand new song. Adam saw it as a sign that his decision was correct. He smiled through the pain in his chest and assured James he'd pick up his stuff and meet him at his place - their place, James corrected - their place Adam parroted with a smile. James left with a smile and the sweetest of good-bye kisses as Adam entered his apartment, tears in his eyes and a claw in his heart.

He placed the house keys in their place and look around at the apartment that had been his home for more than five years - James' home for two out of those five - and felt empty and detached, as if it would have been nothing more than a hotel room. He ran a hand through his hair and walked into the den.

Tears began to flow freely as he brought out the box with his and James' pictures. He looked at each and every one lovingly before throwing the lot in the fireplace and lighting them on fire. Adam cried inconsolably as he watched the flames lick at the memories he cherished so deeply, but he wouldn't need them anymore and no one was supposed to see them, so Adam stood heading for the bedroom.

He entered the bathroom, started a bubble bath for himself. An all-too-hot bubble bath, except there would be no bubbles, Adam thought. As the bathtub filled he rummaged the medicine cabinet. He took out the bottle of prescription sleeping pills he'd been addicted on ever since James had left him and his eyeliner.

Tears dried on his face as Adam traced the contour of his eyes with heavy black making them stand out even more than they normally did against the pitch black shade of his hair. When he was satisfied with the image in the mirror Adam smirked. He did not hesitate. He drowned all the remaining pills with one gulp of water, a single tear falling down his cheek, leaving behind a trace of black eyeliner. Adam couldn't bother cleaning his face.

He grabbed a disposable razor and took out the tiny blade before stripping down and stepping in the boiling hot water of the tub. He hissed but soon relaxed into the warmth, head leaning back on the ridge of the tub, eyes closing to stop the flood of tears that were threatening to spill.

When he found enough strength, Adam opened his eyes, a couple more tears spilling out from the corners of his eyes as he ran the blade quickly over both of his wrists with sharp, determined movements.

The moment a single droop of his blood spilled and diluted in the bath water Adam smiled. He allowed the blade to fall where it may before placing his hands on his thighs - palms up - and closing his eyes.

Adam soon feel into motionless sleep for the very last time.

Seven hours after dropping off Adam James was heading back at his place - their place - a smile still on his lips remembering the past week and how Adam had forgiven him and just how much love they'd shared.

When he turned into his driveway James' heart stopped. Adam's car was nowhere in sight.

Come to think of it - Adam hadn't replied to either of the sappy messages James had sent him throughout the day. James began to worry. His heart constricted. Something was wrong.

Without thinking, James jumped into his truck and drove like a mad man right to Adam's front door. He got there to find water flowing from under Adam's door. James' heart stopped. He gasped for air.

"ADAM!" He yelled as loud as he could, banging on the door with both of his fists. The door shook from its hinges but no answer came from inside the apartment. "ADAM OPEN UP!" James tried again, but, when no answer came, yet again, he took a single step back and kicked the knob with all of his might.

The door flew open, only the inch of water slowing it down. James gawked at the flooded apartment. Why would Adam allow this to happen? Had he forgotten some faucet open as he left for James' place? No - Adam's car was still in the lot - James had noticed it coming up. Then where...?

James raced into the living room where he found the same amount of water mixed in with ashes. He looked down and recognized the burnt corner of one photo. His eyes widened further thinking Adam had left him. But why would he have left after the love he had showed James for the whole week?

James moved like a zombie to the bedroom, fearing the worst.

Water was gurgling all around. the sound of running water coming from the bathroom. It drew James in like a moth to the flame. When he entered the room James froze. The heat in the room was unbearable but James didn't notice. All he noticed was Adam. In the bathtub. White as a sheet of paper. Tears had flown down his cheeks, leaving streaks and streaks of black eyeliner behind. And the water - the water was the most awful sight James had ever seen - it was red - crimson red - and James knew - he knew his Adam was gone.

He opened his mouth to breathe but a sharp, broken cry left his chest and his knees buckled. James fell into the hot bloody water crying helplessly.

"Adam, what have you done...?" James finally managed to let out. "Why?" James crawled his way to the lifeless corpse and caressed the oddly cold skin, he kissed the stiff yet still soft lips. "I love you so much, Adam. Why did you leave me?" James finally broke down completely, doubling over.

A gleam of turquoise caught James' eye after a while. He recognized the disposable razor and knew what Adam had used it for. "I won't let you leave me." James whispered to Adam's corpse. He stood on shaky legs and picked up the remainder of the razor with an even shakier hand. He ripped the remaining blade from the razor, stepped into the bathtub, next to Adam and, with sharp, decisive moves slid his own wrists repeatedly. He felt weak as the blood drained from his body, but, with a smile, James placed his head on Adam's shoulder and slept with one final whisper of "I love you".

He opened his eyes with fear gripping at his throat, not allowing him to breathe. Crusty dry tears were gathered at the corners of his eyes from crying himself to sleep the previous night.

As fear subdued and his eyes focused, he recognized the surrounding room as the murky hotel room he'd check in after leaving his home and the man that he loved the previous night.

Moonlight was still streaming through the meek curtains he hadn't bothered to close all the way. He tried to turn on his other side but the haunting images of his dream would not leave him. The more he tried to escape his dream the more details he was remembering.

He remembered love. He remembered pain. He remembered powerful feelings as if he'd really gone through all that. But then he remembered something else. Something that made his blood freeze. He remembered death. He remembered dying.

"NO!" He yelled and sat up running his hands through his hair. "No." He shook his head. "No." He said again as if trying to convince himself, but tears still flowed down his face. So threw his legs over the side of the bed, stood, got dressed, got his duffle and his phone and key and checked out of the hotel.

He drove straight back to the place he'd left only hours before, running up the stairs two, three at a time until he was out of breath and panting. But that did not matter. Nothing mattered anymore.

He banged down the door of his own home until... until the door knob slowly turned and it opened ever so slightly.

"What the fuck? Whadaya want from me?" Adam's sleepy voice scolded him.

"Everything." James answered in a heartbeat, throwing his arms around Adam's neck, almost making them both tumble to the ground. Adam remained stiff.

"No."

"Forgive me. I'm an idiot. Please, Adam, please, I can't live without you. Please." James whispered into the soft skin of Adam's neck.

"You left." Adam replied with coldness.

"But I came back. It took just a few hours away from you, away from us, to know you're the air I breathe, please Adam, forgive me."

Adam finally wrapped his arms around James' waist, muzzling into his neck, inhaling and James was finally - finally home and able to breathe.

"Don't ever leave me again." Adam said and James felt a tear warm his shoulder before Adam pulled away and shoved the door closed. James simply stood there watching Adam, watching his muscles ripple under his white skin.

Adam extended his hand to James and James eagerly took it, feeling nervous, anxious, as if this were their first time. Adam led them to the bedroom, to their bed. James smiled as they both got under the covers, clothes and all, and simply cuddled till the sun came up

Three months and five days later James was taking a blindfolded Adam to his three years anniversary present.

"James, where are you taking me?" Adam giggled, a hand stretched out in front of himself, the other clutched tightly on James' forearm as he stepped out of James' truck.

"Careful, love." James cooed, helping Adam out of the vehicle. He was beaming with happiness. "We're almost there."

"There, where?" Adam asked impatiently.

"Wait just a little longer, baby, just a little longer." James pulled Adam in his embrace, pecking his lips lovingly. He felt Adam sigh into their kiss and knew he'd closed his eyes.

James led Adam a few paces further then Adam heard a door open. "James..." He said in a warning tone of voice. "I told you I didn't want a party..."

"It's not a party, baby, I promise. I'd never trespass your boundaries."

"Ok." Adam whispered and allowed James to move him through the house.

"Stop." James finally whispered in his ear and Adam did what he was told, closing his eyes when he felt James undo his blindfold. Adam blinked a couple of times to the view in front of him. He couldn't make heads or tails of the view.

James' arms wrapped around his waist and Adam leaned into the well known, comforting warmth of James' chest. "It's a forming cloud." He explained.

"Oh."

"This is the view we'll see every day when we wake up."

"What?!" Adam almost shouted and suddenly turned to face James. He saw they were out on a balcony, long white curtains blowing in the wind from the opened door of a bedroom.

James simply smiled and nodded but said nothing. Adam broke away from James' embrace and went into the house.

The bedroom was a thing made of dreams. Exactly as Adam had always dreamed their bedroom would be. He turned to look at James who simply stood in the door - beaming. Adam let out a rather embarrassing squeal and ran out the door to see the rest of the house. James giggled and followed.

"It's beautiful." Adam finally told James, his eyes filled with light and happiness and love. "Kind of empty."

"It's not done." James moved to hold Adam's hips. "You need to finish it. Make it complete. Like you've made me." He pecked Adam's lips chastely.

Adam's eyes began glowing with unshed tears. "I love you." He whispered quietly and hugged James to his chest for a second before letting go and giggling his way through exploring their new home.


Author's notes:

If you ask me what's gotten into me to write this I will honestly reply I have no idea. I feel like Adam has to come with drama, but, I don't know - I just.. I couldn't sleep last night seeing all that I have written here.. Hope you still love me and leave me a review - maybe - please :)

Love,

Emy