Author's Note: Yay, my first fic! I got this idea from my friend, NrdyGrlOfStarTrek; she's awesome, go check out her stuff. Anyway, reviews and constructive criticism are not necessary, but I would really appreciate it. By the way, I don't have a beta, so the mistakes are mine.
Summary: We all know that Jim is a genius and an idiot. Mostly the latter. This is recalling five times when he was an idiot, and the one time it saved the ship.
Snathos II: 2260.5
"You just had to choose the planet called 'Snathos.' Snathos! Doesn't that make you think of any cold-blooded, slithery creatures back home?" Bones was interrogating the young captain, while attempting to wriggle free of his bonds. He looked over his shoulder at Jim, who was slumped over in defeat and saying nothing. Bones sighed as he looked around at the remaining crew of the landing party. Hendorff lay sprawled in a corner, blood seeping from a head wound that he got from trying to resist. Sulu sat with his head leaning against a wall with the right arm of his shirt pulled off. Nyota looked like she was meditating - probably something that she got from Spock. And then there was Spock. He had been taken during the first part of the ambush.
That's pretty weird considering his Vulcan strength, thought Bones. He groaned as he thought about all the times that Spock had bested that Vulcan strength was superior.
"Would you keep it down Bones? We don't need to hear you orgasm. It's bad enough that I had to be your roommate for three years. I'm trying to think." Bones laughed as he heard Jim speak for the first time since Spock got captured. And of course it was in his usual, cocky voice.
"Dammit Jim. If anybody should be keeping it down, it's you. Do you know how many times I've wanted to go home and just take a nap, but I couldn't because you've had a girl in our shared room? Sometimes even multiple? It has got to be in the thousands already."
"Nah, Bones. It's only been 231 girls. Oh but number 34 and her sister were great. Also Gaila. Man, I need to talk to her soon. I hope she's not pissed at me."
"She is. Trust me." Bones craned his head to see that Nyota was facing towards Jim and Bones.
"What was that beautiful?" Jim just couldn't shut up. Even when he was tied.
"I said that Gaila is pissed with you. And don't forget, while you may be my superior, you may not call me 'beautiful' as a nickname. I'm with Spock now. And so, stop. We don't..." By the time Nyota had stopped talking, everyone could see that she was becoming flustered. She had cut off her sentence and was staring at the ground as if it might swallow her whole. But as quickly as her face became clouded, it cleared just as fast. She started to speak again. "Bones is right. I still remember that time when you were hiding under Gaila's bed and I heard you breathing. I also remember you trying to hit on me in your underwear."
"I was not the only one who had on lack of clothing." Nyota's face started to turn red. "I distinctly remember you wearing awhite..." Bones was just about to cut him off but was beat to the punch when Spock rushed into the room clothed in a red business suit carrying a black goat. Everyone stared at Spock in shock as he handed everyone a knife and proceeded to cut loose a still unconscious Hendorff.
Without turning around, he spoke over his shoulder, "The 'snakes,' as they like to be called, have some very strange customs. They believed that I was the 'noramani,' which means devil in their language."
"What's up with the goat? Do they think that it's an implement of evil?" By the silence in the room, Kirk gathered that he was correct in his joking. "Did you happen to grab a communicator?" Spock nodded and handed one to a newly freed Kirk. "Scotty?"
"Aye, Captain. I'm here."
"Scotty, beam us up. Hurry, we don't know when these snake people will realize that Spock's gone." Jim silently thanked Scotty as he felt the transporter beams around him. Once they were safely aboard the ship, Jim started to yell out orders to the crew gathered in the transporter room. "Bones, you and Ensign Hanley get Hendorff to med bay. Uhura, you go and listen for any weird messages. Also, send out a message to Starfleet that they should not go to Snathos II. For any reason. Mr. Sulu, you and Chekov go get us out of here as fast as you can." Once everyone cleared out and only Spock and Kirk were left, Jim turned to Spock and sighed.
"Are you feeling well Captain?" Spock stared at Jim and tilted his head and then looked over Jim's shoulder. Kirk turned around and saw Nyota standing in the doorway.
"I have to go. I might have embarrassed your girlfriend while we were down on the planet. See ya." Kirk rushed out of the room as Nyota walked over to Spock.
"I believe that the captain is frightened by you. Or rather what you might do to him." Spock raised his eyebrow as Nyota lightly kissed Spock on the cheek.
"Don't worry. I'll only make him squirm for a little while. Although, I will enjoy it."
"I believe that the captain made the wrong choice in coming to this planet."
"You can say that again."
Okay, I'm not really proud of the ending, but I was having writer's block, so this is what I came up with. I forgot to mention. None of these people belong to me. Except Ensign Hanley. If there actually is an Ensign Hanley, then that is really weird. By the way, I will try to update these as quickly as possible, but I get writer's block easily so I will try my best.