"I will not share your bed, not until you want to..." He said it in our marriage night. Those words were true, warm and strong, and I believed in every little letter he pronounced. He never had any reason to be gentle to me, he never had any reason to treat me as somebody. He was powerful, his family was powerful. He was a Lannister, in a shorter version, but still a Lannister. Many said he didn't have any beauty attraction, but honestly, what is beauty but a brief mask we use to fool the world and ourselves? Beauty is nothing. But there was beauty in him, somewhere deep inside him, where no human could see, just feel it. He was nice and friendly, and it is the biggest reason of why he deserved my heart.
"What if I never want to?" she said, fingering her necklace. She was a child, a beautiful poor child. She watched her father's death, she was humiliated in front of people. She had no name, but a traitor's name, no family to keep her safe. She lived knowing that in any moment she could die. Her father's slayer could rape her during her sleep and she had to accept this. I never saw that girl smiling since her father's death. And now, after all this suffering, she is married to me. To me. It is impossible to have a worse destine. A little rose, pure, untouched, married to a drunk dwarf. Why would she want to share a life with me, if even the prostitutes deny me true love? Why keep dreaming of impossible if you know this is impossible?
I watched a ship, floating on the sea. It took my hope to see the North again; it took the empty I felt inside my heart, it took a tear from my eyes. I wished I were a small fish for a second, to taste the sweat flavor of freedom, far away from King's Landing. Winter never came to greet me, and I missed the cold northern winds.
"You would hate to be on board of that ship anyway, Milady"Shae said trying to encourage me.
"I heard it stinks like pee. There are many men up there, and men pee anywhere when they are drunk…" Although Shae was an excellent company, I just couldn't open my heart for her. I couldn't tell her about my weeding night and what never happened there nor express my affections for my Lord husband, who had been so gentle to me.
"Nothing is worse than live in captivity" I whispered Shae touched my shoulder gently, and for a second I let her condolences touch me.
"You may enter now, Milady. Your Lord husband is waiting for you"
"What do you mean you didn't fuck her?" Bronn shouted.
"I do not understand. You are able to do it, you can do it. Were you too drunk to…"
"I am never too drunk to fuck. Nobody is."
"There is no logic. You know you must give you Lord Father a grandson"
"Fuck him. I won't lay down with that poor girl if she doesn't want it. She has been suffering too much lately."
"Wine and drugs may solve it for you…"
"Bronn, you didn't understand, did you? No, I won't have sex with Lady Sansa Stark!"
"Why not, I must ask?" Even if I explained the fact, he wouldn't understand. She wasn't just a rose, pure and untouched. She wasn't just pretty and innocent. She was a fourteen years girl who tasted the worse from life. I never saw a smile on her face. Nobody sees her relaxed. She is always expecting to die. Her first phrase in the morning is "Please, be merciful". Life just offered her sore and pain, I wouldn't do the same.
She was expecting me for dinner, staring her feet. Shae was beside her as usual, and that was uncomfortable. On my right, Shae. Some months ago, she was a prostitute, now, she is with me. I love her, though I have felt something strange for Lady Sansa. On my left, Lady Sansa Stark, one all the opposite of the other. It is really awkward to dine with your wife, when actually you have sex to her maid.
"How it was your day?" I asked.
"Very good, my Lord"
"How do you like the soup?"
"It is good, my Lord". One "my Lord" else, and I would break this table.
"I need some privacy, to talk to you" Shae understood the message and left us alone.
"Lady Sansa, I feel obligated to ask you once more about your day" She was still looking down
"It was god, m-"
"Please, no more my lords between us. It really bothers me. So, your day" She graciously put the spoon on her plate and joined her hands on her lap.
"Let me show you how it is. First, wine" I took a glass for her and a glass for me "In the morning I heard my father's complaining about me and my childish behavior. I prayed to gods kill him very fast, what didn't work anyway. By the afternoon I met Bronn to drink and talk about y—Prostitutes. Won't you drink?"
"If it pleases you, I will" I put my glass on the table.
"Lady Sansa, I know how hard it is to be in this situation, I know how hard it is to face me, but please, look at me when you speak. I understand I am not the kind of view a young Lady wants to face…"
"This is not the reason I don't look into your eyes" she said slowly
"So why?" She stared me. Her eyes were beautiful like emeralds; they shone with loyalty, something that only Starks have.
"I don't know exactly why, and I am sorry for that" she breathed
"I see. It is a politely way to reaffirm what I said" then I laughed nervously.
"Please, don't say such a thing. You are kind to me, and I didn't give you any reason to be. What I must confess is that beauty has its own way to show up. Usually it is physical, but time takes it away. However, there is a beauty that nobody can take out from people, and it is when you are beauty inside. This beauty overcomes any other beauty and it transforms our vision. You should say it is hard to face you because I am not used to face beauty anymore".
"Well, I am glad to hear it from you. First, because you left the formality. See, Lady Sansa, I really want to be a friend for you. And it could start if you tell me about your day" She smiled and that was a vision of heaven. As I said before, I never saw her smiling before; it was the very first time. She took the glass of wine and drank from it.
"My day was not attractive at all. I just watched the ships leaving with Shae…" People like us sometimes deserve some good talk, because we never know when we are going to die.