When Zoro stepped into the men's quarter's he wasn't really surprised to see that only two people were in there. The crew tended to get sick of sleeping together, mainly due to Luffy and Franky's snoring, and nearly all of them often would wander off to string a hammock up in any of the numerous rooms in Sunny. Well, except Luffy, who sometimes sleepwalked and could thus wake up in any random part of the ship at any time, which made sense considering he also fell asleep in any random place he felt like.
What did surprise him was that while Usopp was asleep in his bunk, just a few feet away on the couch was Sanji, sitting casually and polishing the latest battle scuffs off of his dress shoes. While wearing a silky blue negligee.
Sanji was wearing lingerie. Like it was completely fucking normal. It was baby blue and thin enough to be semi-transparent, short enough to only reach mid-thigh, with thin straps and lace on the bottom, and Zoro could not get his mind past Sanji in lingerie enough to even close the door behind him.
The chef looked at him, unimpressed. "You gonna close that door, seaweed-for-brains, or just stand there all day like an idiot?"
He knew it made him sound stupid, he knew it did, but Zoro couldn't NOT ask. "What are you wearing and why?"
Sanji moved his cigarette from one end of his mouth to the other with his tongue, and Zoro wished he didn't notice that sort of thing. "Pajamas because I'm going to bed after I'm done with this," he said easily, gesturing briefly to his shoes.
Zoro didn't manage to respond or move.
Sanji rolled his eyes and sighed. "I spent two years in drag, Marimo. And while in nothing in my life felt as good as finally putting on a suit and leaving that hellhole*, I also realized that taking off a stuffy suit and putting on something soft and actually easy to move in is also pretty great. So," he trailed off with a shrug, like the rest was just plain obvious. "Best of both worlds, or whatever."
Zoro's eyebrow twitched. He didn't stop staring at Sanji, though, which was probably bad.
It was bad. "Look, I know I'm hot but if you're gonna jack off go do it in the crow's nest, it's rude to masturbate when someone's sleeping." Sanji said casually, gesturing to Usopp's bunk and returning to his shoes.
"Oh, FUCK you," Zoro snarled, face turning red as he stalked out, slamming the door behind him.
There was a moment of silence.
And then few feet away in his bed, Usopp burst out laughing. "That was AWESOME!"
Sanji smirked. "I know. I'm amazing."
The sharpshooter leaned over the side of his bunk to look at Sanji. "So, is it really that comfortable or were you just trying to get to Zoro's head?"
"Both," Sanji admitted easily, taking one last drag of his dying cig and putting it out in the nearby ashtray. "I was planning on keeping the slip anyway, but I think I might really sleep in it. It's pretty nice." He finished off his shoes and stood up to put the polish and brush away. "The best part about the whole thing is where I got it."
"Oh?" Usopp inquired, assuming he was supposed to ask.
Sanji grinned. "When I got off Kamabakka, I made a little detour before meeting everyone. She left it behind and I decided it was a pretty nice memento."
"You dog! I can't believe it!" Usopp grinned. "Wait, you stole it from a and girl and it fits? What kind of woman was she?"
Sanji sighed dreamily. "Tall. Long legs, wide hips, the best ass I've seen in ages and tits bigger than my head. Ran-chan was amazing."
Usopp shook his head, laying back down. "You steal lingerie from a girl you banged and then wear it to casually seduce one of your crew mates," he wondered aloud. "I'm pretty sure you're like, the greatest man to ever live for that." He thought for a moment, sitting up to look at Sanji again. "So, wait, with Zoro, are you actually gonna..."
Sanji shrugged. "Haven't decided yet."
"That's so fucking manly, bro. I don't even get how it is, but wearing a negligee just to mess with someone's head... That's just so damned cool. I would never have the guts."
Sanji grinned, lighting another cigarette and leaning back on the couch like he owned it; arms spread out over the back and one leg crossed over the other at the ankle. The position, Usopp noted, was also manly. He also noted that were he not above Sanji and slightly to the side, he'd be able to see straight up his skirt. That part he chose not to think about.
"So cool," he mused again, laying down again. "I wanna get laid, too."
"I'm sure you could if you tried," Sanji offered lightly.
"Not with the style you do, man. Not with style."
Sanji just kept smirking.
(*This was actually only the third greatest feeling in Sanji's life. The first, obviously, was eating the first bite of food with Zeff when they got off that god forsaken rock. The second was getting laid again after leaving Kamabakka. Oh, Rangiku-chan~)
Sanji looked at the flat box with curiosity, reaching for the lid.
"Hold on-" Usopp said, "first I need to say that this isn't supposed to offend you, it's supposed to be hilarious and awesome. Especially if you decide to actually use them. So, don't kick me if you don't think it's as funny as I do."
Sanji raised an eyebrow, but opened the box with this in mind. And then threw back his head and laughed. Usopp sighed in relief. "You're having just as much fun with this as I am, aren't you?" Sanji said, running the hand not still holding the box over the soft fabric of one of the numerous colorful slips and negligees in the box.
Usopp grinned. "No one's enjoying this as much as you, but yeah this is pretty damned fun. But in return you have to promise that if you do get bored of stringing him along and actually sleep with him, you NEVER TELL ME."
Sanji laughed again. "Aye aye, Captain Usopp. Sounds fair to me."
"Now go forth, and do great evil! In satin lace!"
"I certainly will. This is gonna be a good day." Sanji mused cheerfully.
"You son of a bitch... One of these days I'm just gonna rape you, and THEN we'll see whose laughing.
"Like you could. It would just turn into another fight. But oh wait," Sanji smirked, "don't our sparring matches turn you on? Looks like I win either way."
"When exactly did you TURN INTO THE DEVIL?"
(Writer does not understand how this keeps going but does not care)
Zoro burst into Usopp's workshop so forcefully the door nearly broke off it's hinges. "I NEED YOU TO HELP ME FIGURE OUT HOW TO SEDUCE SANJI."
Usopp buried his face in his hands. "How did I know this was coming?" He mused to himself.
"Because besides harassing me and flirting with he girls, you're the one he talks to most. Now help me get into his pants, goddamnit!"
"Hell no, I am staying out of this mess!"
"Like you did when you got him the extra goddamned dresses to taunt me with? DON'T THINK I DON'T KNOW THAT WAS YOU."
Usopp cringed. "There's no way out of this is there?"
"Not if you want to keep your dick attached to your body, there isn't."
Usopp sighed. "I knew that was gonna bite me in the ass. Now I have to figure out how to turn on a guy. This is so stupid and I hate you both forever."