He didn't know what to say. He didn't know what to do. So he just stood there staring at Draco. He knew what had just happened was wrong, but he couldn't find it in himself to care because it had felt so right. Draco didn't seem to know what came next either because he was doing the same thing to Harry. However, there was a sadness in his eyes- as if he knew what would happen and knew he could do nothing about it.
After another moment Draco leaned in for another kiss, but this one was very different from the others. It was soft, sweet, and slow whereas the previous ones were passionate and heavy. Harry wanted so badly for it to happen again. To feel Draco's skin against his, but he heard Ginny calling for him and knew it couldn't happen again. It was a onetime thing; he had to go back into the school. Back to people who would congratulating him on defeating the Dark Lord. Back where nothing felt as real as they did. As real as it did just a minutes ago when they had made love. But he knew this wouldn't work. No one would understand it, hell he didn't even understand what had just happened. All he knew was that no matter how much he wanted it to happen again, it couldn't.
Ginny called out for him again, and slowly- as if the world would end if they did- they broke apart. Harry's vision was clouded with tears he didn't want to shed. Draco hugged him one last time and whispered in his ear, "I love you," his voice broke, clearly in as much pain as Harry.
Harry couldn't take it, his heart was screaming at him not to leave, or at least to say it back. But he knew if he did say it, he would never be able to leave again. So instead, he pulled back and kissed Draco as hard as he could, hoping to convey the words he couldn't say aloud.
As quickly as it had started, he broke away forcefully, and turned around and started walking, but not before he saw the tears in his eyes and the pain. He knew his message had been received. He also knew that from now on, they'd both be feeling the consequences that arose from his choice…
Draco felt like he couldn't breathe, his world had just exploded. He'd said the words he never thought he'd have the courage to say, and it didn't change anything. Harry was still leaving him. He fell to his knees, put his head in his hands and cried. His heart was broken, and he was sure it'd never work right again. How could it? His only reason to keep going had just left him in the forest without so much as a backwards glance.
Deep down he knew it wasn't Harry's fault. The world still needed him. He needed to be the strong hero they expected. He needed to fit their every expectation, and being with the son of a death eater did not fit their plans of perfect. He'd known when it'd started that it would end this way, but part of him had hoped it wouldn't. So he felt broken, but couldn't help but be thankful that he'd at least had this time with him. Because no matter how short, it had been the best part of his life.
He'd loved Harry since they met. He just seemed to have this aura of power around him and Draco couldn't help but be pulled into it. When he'd rejected his offer of friendship Draco took it as a challenge. He did everything he could to get his attention. He knew deep down it would all be for not, but he'd done it anyways- because he had to, he couldn't just give up. Then he'd been prepared to let it all go, but when he saw Harry, he just couldn't. So after the war, he found Harry out in the forest and he found himself telling him everything, because deep down he knew this was his only chance…
"Harry I… I wanted to say I was sorry. About everything. I've tried so hard to stay away from you, because all I've ever done is insult you, and I knew you hated me, but I couldn't. I couldn't stay away. Because you… you are the light to my darkness and just being near you always made me feel whole and oddly invulnerable. It made me feel like there was hope; it made me feel GOOD; it made me think there was a chance for the world. And I'm selfish so I kept coming back and hurting you. But there was another reason. I love you," I chuckled humorlessly, "I've loved you for the longest time but never did anything about it, because I didn't want to admit it. I knew it would result in nothing, so I lied to myself. But I can't do it anymore. I am hopelessly in love with you."
I didn't expect any response, so I was surprised when I got one. At first he just looked into my eyes but eventually he broke the silence, "Had I known how you felt, we could have been together a while ago Draco. I've loved you for a while now, but I did what you did and lied to myself. When that didn't get you out of my head, I focused on the war, but even then you'd still slip through." He gave me a sad smile before closing the distance between us. Ever so Slowly, I leaned forward and our lips met.
From there it took off like a wildfire because we both knew how it'd end. Soon all our clothes were off and we were relishing in the feeling of skin on skin. A while afterwards, we remembered the world and got dressed, which is how we ended up staring at each other.
And now he was stuck. He was alone with his memories wishing he could go back in time and confess sooner so they could have more time together.
Agonizingly slow, he stood up and walked back to the school.
The summer was hard for both of them. The memories haunted them, no matter what they did. They both had holes in their hearts where the other should be.
Harry was called to testify for many people, and he used it as an excuse to draw away from his friends. He was slowly slipping into depression and knew the only person who could help him was Draco. He suspected they didn't notice anyways, either blaming it on the war itself or too caught up in their own sorrow. So he continued on, constantly thinking of that night- unable to get it out of his head.
Harry stayed with the Weasleys for a few weeks before school started because Grimmauld place was being 'tidied.' During this time, he constantly heard Ginny speaking of how excited she was that they would technically be in the same grade. He decided then and there that he had no feelings left for her. She annoyed him constantly, and whenever she tried to kiss him or touch him, he found himself wishing for blond hair, fair skin, and silver-grey eyes. However, he couldn't bring himself to tell her, so he let it go on as it was, falling more and more into depression.
Draco stayed at home with his mother while his father was put on trial (they had both been pardoned of all crimes). He didn't see Harry again till 'eighth year.'
When Harry entered the great hall, Draco was already there at the Slytherin table. Their eyes met and suddenly all of the memories they'd both tried so hard to repress came to the forefront of their minds. Harry's breath caught and he stumbled slightly. Suddenly Draco looked back down at his plate, but not before Harry saw his own heart wrenching pain echoed in Draco's silver eyes. Before he could do something stupid like going over there and kissing Draco, he felt a hand slip into his own.
"You okay Harry?" Ginny asked.
"I… yeah, I'm just feeling the brunt of the consequences from a choice I made last year."
"What choice?" Hermione asked.
"It doesn't matter really… let's go eat," Harry said quietly. He pulled his hand free from Ginny's, feeling like he was cheating on Draco. Once they sat down, and the welcoming speech was had been given, the great hall exploded into noise. Everyone talking of their break and how great it was that Voldemort was gone. Harry, however, didn't join in on the festivities; he hardly ate anything, too caught up in looking at Draco to care.
A few months passed without either of them speaking. It was like somehow without even trying they never saw each other except during classes or meals. However, not having actual contact served to only make things worse.
Harry pulled away from his friends completely. Whenever he had free time he spent it hiding from everyone, doing his homework, because he couldn't bring himself to talk to anyone. He knew he would be horrible company.
His grades started improving due to the extra work on it, and he was even exceeding in Potions. He was sure Snape would be rolling over in his grave at that news, but that thought brought him back to Draco and what'd happened.
His friends were starting to get worried for real because he still wasn't eating enough, and when they saw him he barley spoke. They tried to get him to tell them what was wrong but didn't succeed. He simply evaded the question or a conversation with them in general.
Draco wasn't much better. The only difference was that he didn't have any friends who were worried for him; they simply put it all up to his father being convicted, and everyone trying to curse him for his father, even though he had never taken the dark mark himself. He still thought about Harry constantly, and often found himself wondering if Harry could still love him. That's what drove him to the edge.
He realized that Harry had probably never actually liked him; he was just a warm body. I mean look at him, the son of a death eater, his arch nemesis, and of course he's male, which- if Weaselette was anything to go by- Harry wasn't into. And with those reasons, Draco realized he couldn't go on like this. It was killing him inside to see Harry every day, but not be able to be with him. So he came up with a plan and soon found himself in the area of the forest where he'd met up with Harry last year, with a knife in his hand.
Harry was walking around the school grounds without any real destination in mind. He'd been doing that a lot recently. Suddenly he noticed he had wandered to the area of the forest he'd seen Draco last year and was about to turn around to try to escape the memories when he heard a noise nearby. It sounded like a muffled scream, so taking his chances; he entered the forest, and found Draco Malfoy standing there with a knife in his hand cutting his wrists.
He was paralyzed for a few seconds realizing how much blood Draco had already lost and wondered how he was still conscious. Draco didn't seem to notice him until he took the knife away, and pulled Draco away from it.
After a moment of shock, Draco came back to himself, "Oh, this is just Fucking great! Of course it had to be you! It had to be the one person who I would care if the saw me this way. You probably think I'm weak and pathetic," Draco said after a minute.
Harry felt like laughing, "Not hardly!" This in no way makes me feel like you are lesser than before. I'd be a hypocrite if I did," Draco didn't respond except looking at Harry questioningly, "I did that over the summer too," Harry said while rolling up his sleeves to reveal a few horizontal cuts on his wrists. "Hell, I'd still be doing it if it weren't for Hermione and Ron. I nearly killed myself one time, but they got there before I could. Of course then they saved me, not knowing that on some level it would have been better if they hadn't. They didn't know about any of that, they didn't know of the pain I was suffering through.
"They tried to get it out of me after I regained consciousness, but I never answered. I mean what was I supposed to say? 'I'm sorry guys; I just don't want to live anymore because I was a total arse last year. How you ask? Well you see, after the battle, I made one of the worse mistakes I've ever made… actually it's the worst I think. When the man that I love basically asked to be together, I tore his heart and my own out and gave in to what everyone expected, I left him in the forest after we'd made love, and came back inside to you guys. I keep wondering what it would be like if I hadn't done that, and it's killing me. I know I made the wrong choice and I know I can't go back because it's Draco fucking Malfoy and he would never give me a second chance. Oh, and before you ask, no, I never loved your sister Ron; I just dated her because that's what everyone wanted. Your sister is a whore and a slut and has most likely fucked every single male in the school except me, her boyfriend. Because yes, she cheated on me- not that I give a shit since I never really liked her in the first place."
"So they told me they couldn't help if I didn't tell them, and when I still didn't tell them, they took away every single sharp object in my house, and put them where only the house elves could get to them. So I tried to do it with my wand," he rolled up his sleeve higher up to reveal a large vertical scar on his forearm, "I didn't know they had put an alarm on me so that every time I started to bleed they would know till after I did that. So when I still wouldn't tell them, they took my wand and made it so I can't do any cutting spells.
"So trust me when I say that this doesn't tarnish you in my mind. You are still the same Draco I ran from," They were silent for a few minutes, just looking at each other. There was an unaddressed question in Draco's eyes so Harry decided to answer it, "Before you ask, yes, I still love you." He took a step closer and when Draco didn't back up and what looked to be hope filled his eyes, Harry stepped closer and cupped Draco's cheek. He smiled and continued, "How could I not? You are perfect in every way. That's why I fell in love with you in the first place. You are beautiful, quick witted, passionate, intelligent, and just about everything else. I'm a complete idiot for walking away. I'm so sorry. I hope you can forgive me…"
He may have continued rambling, but suddenly Draco's lips met his in a very sweet kiss. "Apology accepted." And he kissed him again, but this time bit down on Harry's lip hard enough to draw blood. He looked mischievous when he pulled away.
"Draco, what are you doing? Now they are going to come here!'
Draco laughed for the first time in a while, "I think it's time we come out as a couple- even if it's just your friends that we do it to, besides you need to break up with Ginny. Because I refuse to be a secret and I will not look like the person who came between 'the perfect couple.'" For a moment it looked like he would argue, but then he smiled and nodded.
"You're right, it's time to come clean, but I don't think you should be here at the beginning," they heard a crash in the bushed not that far away and heard Ron cuss. Draco nodded and hid in the opposite direction from the voice.
Suddenly Hermione, Ron, and Ginny emerged, "Harry, you can't keep doing this. You are going to end up seriously hurting yourself. You were doing so well… what changed? What caused all this in the first place? Was it just the war?" An idea suddenly seemed to hit her, "Was it Sirius? Has this been going on that long?" Hermione asked while trying to see Harry's wrists
Harry smiled, which caused them all to stop their approach. They hadn't seen him smile in so long… sure he gave them fake ones, but this was different. He was genuinely happy.
"It's all because of a choice-"
"You made last year, yeah mate you told us that, but you need to be more specific or we won't be able to help," Ron said.
"Okay," Harry smiled again, "Last year, after the battle I took a walk in the forest where I was found by a person that I've loved for quite some time. This person confessed they had feelings for me and one thing led to another and we ended up making love." I took a breath to continue but was interrupted by Ginny.
"I can understand how you'd regret that choice, but how does that lead to attempting to kill yourself? I mean unless it was that you felt guilty for cheating on me. And if that's the reason you should know that I forgive you. It was just a spur of the moment thing. So it's all-"
Harry laughed darkly, 'That's not it at all. It's not the action that I regretted it was my choice to turn away from him and leave him all alone there because then I could do what everyone else wanted. I never wanted to be with Ginny, it was just everyone else who wanted me to be with her… okay… maybe never is too strong; maybe I liked her that way in the beginning. That, however, was before I knew about her cheating habits…" Ginny paled, "Yes, Gin I did know you were having sex with everyone but me on campus… well almost everyone," he looked to the trees briefly.
Ginny blushed, "How did you know? I was so careful…"
"It's true!?" Hermione and Ron exclaimed and for a brief second Harry could hear Draco laugh quietly.
"You forget I have the Marauder's map Gin. I look at it when I can't sleep and quite a few times I saw you in a private room with another man. I-"
"Why didn't you just break up with me then?"
"Because it didn't matter to me, you weren't really cheating on me because my heart was never in the relationship. It was with someone else who I never thought would like me back."
"Harry… not that I don't want to know, but why are you telling us this now? You wouldn't talk to us about it all summer…" Hermione asked.
"Because, he's forgiven me, and wanted me to tell you guys about us… actually he's why you're here… he bit my lip after I told him about the alarm thing…" Harry blushed and was sure Draco was enjoying himself watching him squirm.
"That's wonderful Harry- wait! Did you just say 'he'?"
Harry's blush got deeper… oh yes he was certain Draco was enjoying this because now he could hear a very faint laugh, "Yes…" he squeaked.
"What, when… why?" Ron asked.
"Yeah… I've liked him for a while… I don't know how long… I think it may have always been there…"
"More importantly, who is this person? You keep avoiding his name…" Ginny said.
"Um… that's the complicated part… you guys know that everyone changed after the war… well… he… um… has changed more so than most because… well… his father isn't there to punish him if he doesn't treat everyone with disdain… so I have to ask you to give him a chance…" they all nodded and basically said of course. All of them had an idea who it was, but didn't say anything till Draco walked out of his hiding place.
"Hello… I'd like to… uh… apologize for everything I've done to you guys…" He said awkwardly after a few seconds of silence.
They had all guessed right, but that didn't make it any easier. So they stood there thinking for a while and finally Hermione aid, "I can't say I'm completely happy with your choice… but I can see how it would work. I can also see how this is helping you so I see no other choice than to accept it and be happy for you."
"Yeah, me too… but… Malfoy? Did it have to be him?" Ron bemoaned with a smile on his face, making them all laugh.
Tell me what you think! This is my first Drarry and I'd love to know if it was good :)