Warning for inconsistent capitalisation :)

He is your best friend

your right hand man

your sidekick as you crusade agains the nerds and the weaklings







not with him.


He talks about the fluttering in his stomach when he looks at her

He talks about wanting to impress her with everything he does

He talks about getting nervous, about fumbling and shaking and…

and that's how you feel around him

But you cannot be falling for your best friend.

Because that makes you the same as those you torment

You are not one of them. You are not weak.


You ignore the way your stomach drops at the sight of those blueblue eyes

You pick up a girlfriend

drop her two weeks later for another

juggle four at once

dump them all within a month

You go through girls the way you used to go through toys

But they're all so boring


He's still chasing the same girl he's been chasing since he was sixteen, over a year.

She still won't give him the time of day.

It still kills you to watch him look at her

But you tell yourself it's because he's your best friend, your right hand man,

and you don't want to let him go

but that doesn't mean anything more

You're not even sure you're fooling yourself, but no one else seems to notice.


No one outside your group of friends will look you in the eye anymore

it makes you feel powerful

it makes you feel alone.

You used to think this was what you wanted


this kid

this kid has blueblue eyes oh-so-similar

and those blueblue eyes are crying

and something inside of you breaks

but you look around at their jeering faces and you know

showing an ounce of sympathy

would get you tied to a flag pole with him

your pants also flying in the wind

You won't make yourself a target.


But you can't deny it anymore

You can't even convince yourself

You want to fold him in your arms and never let anyone else touch him

You want to see those blueblue eyes look at you the way he looks at her.

You want to know how his lips feel against yours

if they're as chapped and rough as they look.

maybe they are and maybe they aren't

either way, you desperately want to find out and that's when you know for certain


Your mocking gets worse, if that's possible

You spit out slurs with as much venom as you can manage

because you don't want anyone to suspect

that you might be one of them

When you're alone you remember the looks on their faces

and some nights you cry yourself to sleep

because you feel guilty

you caused that


if things were different

you could so easily be suffering it

most days you think you deserve to be suffering it.


And then

And then one day he takes you aside and there's something foreign in those blueblue eyes

and he says

D, man, do you think you could cut the homophobia a bit?

only I've got a cousin

and he's the closest thing to a dad I've ever had

and he's happier

and it's good enough for you

You use him as your excuse

and people rib him for it

but no one would dare touch him because they know that he is yours

and it's your word

and your word is law


But then

Then you have to go away

Your family is forced into hiding

Because of the cousin that you rarely even see anymore

And you can't even tell him the truth about why.

we're moving

you tell him

those blueblue eyes look at you in confusion


he asks


and you almost want to say that's pain you see

like he might actually miss you

(though not as much as you'll miss him, you're sure)

why didn't you tell me, D?

he asks

I didn't know

is all you can reply

people don't pack up and move in a day

he looks… hurt. Disbelieving. Sceptical.

and you can't explain

because you can't tell him that a wizard is after your family

not without him assuming you've lost your marble

my parents didn't tell me

is the best you can come up with

those blueblue eyes soften

for a moment

just a moment

you think he might hug you

but he doesn't

keep in touch, Big D

you aren't sure you can

where you're going

but you nod and promise you will anyway

you will write this boy actual letters if you must


it turns out that email is actually safer

because the people after you don't even own a computer

(what hell that must be, you can't even fathom)

and you have nothing else to do in this damn house

(they give you online school but, hell, when did you do your homework at home?

that doesn't change just because you're on house arrest)

you write him an email every day

you fabricate a life for yourself

tell him about your new friends

(in reality your only new friend is the cat who slips in and out your window if you leave it open)

tell him about your new school, lockers, hallways, teachers

(you stare at a computer screen and are taught by a robot, when you bother to attend at all)

tell him about your new girlfriend

then your newer girlfriend

then your newest girlfriend

(the only girl you've spoken to in months is your mum)

he writes back nearly every day, at least something

tells you about your old friends

about the new kid

about that girl who still won't give him the time of day


at least the house has a punching bag and a weight set

you spend a lot of time in the basement

music pounding in your ears

trying to drown out thoughts

because when you think, you think too often of him


after nine months cooped up in hell they set you free

tell you whatsisname is dead

Harry's still alive, if you care

and you can go home now

his response to your email says

the hell don't your parents tell you you're moving more than one day in advance?

you laugh


he looks surprised, when he sees you on his front porch

and you wonder if it's because you're at his house

or because you're considerably skinnier


considerably more muscular

than the last time you saw each other

Does it matter?

Either way, when the shock fades it is clearly joy in those blueblue eyes

and this time you think, just for a moment, that he might hug you

and he does

He's shorter than you but not by much and his chin rests on your shoulder and his arms wrap around your chest

and your arms loop up around his shoulders

he is warm

I missed you

he murmurs like a whisper in your ear

like he almost didn't mean to say it

I missed you, too

you reply without hesitation

because if he can be vulnerable so can you


You don't get your happily ever after with him

You don't try

because she finally gives him the time of day

and then she marries him

and he looks so happy

He was never bound to be your forever

but you are glad to have known him

because he is the reason you accept yourself

he is the reason you stopped tormenting those that were weaker than you

he is the reason you are who you are

and he is straight

and that is…

not all right, exactly

but acceptable

you are happy for him

and you find your forever somewhere else

with a man with greygrey eyes and a smile as wide as the ocean

and he is happy for you

and that is enough