Disclaimer: WE DO NOT OWN NARUTO. If we did, though... MUAHAHAHA.
A/N: Set before everyone in the Akatsuki was killed off one by one. Understand this stuff. Or else... WE CAN HEAR ITACHI CACKLING ALREADY. /T for Hidan's swearing.
Pixie: Hey dude, remember Shane the ex-undercover unicorn agent?
Ali: Ignore her. She's nuts, un.
Pixie: Whatever man...Let's just get on with it. No one really wants to hear your jabbering.
It was peaceful in the Akatsuki hideout. At least, as peaceful as the Akatsuki hideout can be. Everyone save for Itachi was sprawled in front of the TV, watching a kangaroo special on Animal Planet. Tobi was squealing at the hopping kangaroos, Hidan was insulting them with horrible swear words and Kakuzu was calculating the profit of kangaroo meat in his mind.
Peaceful, it was indeed.
Until a certain Uchiha with a penchant for destroying lives of eight-year-old little brothers ruined the atmostphere with his dramatic entrance. He glared at every single Akatsuki member individually, before asking in his usual monotone, "What are you guys doing?"
"Hey Itachi-san!" Tobi yelled, holding up a blue teddy bear, which was a gift from Kakuzu. Knowing the cheapskate, he had sewn it himself... which explained the ugly chipped button-eyes. "Tobi named it Sasuke, JUST LIKE YOU DID, ITACHI-SAN! Isn't Tobi a good boy? Yes, Tobi is..."
Itachi felt his left eye twitch slightly. But only slightly because he was an Uchiha - (can we at least put a dramatic pause here?) - and Uchihas don't let their eyes twitch at imbecilic fools.
"We're watching Animal Planet," Deidara supplied. "Kangaroos are so interesting, un. Did you know they can't hop backwards?"
"We also have premium strawberry ice-cream," Pein said, nodding approvingly as he stuck a spoon of said dessert into his pierced mouth.
"It costs a lot," Kakuzu said, expression hard as he tried to choke back a sob.
"I want that... peculiar... dessert," Itachi said slowly while waggling his eyebrows professionally.
The Mist-nin grinned and went to the kitchen. He scooped the artificial-flavoured ice-cream into the blue bowl with adorable fish patterns Sasori had drawn on. Kisame handed the bowl to Itachi, but with Itachi's deteriorating eyesight, he didn't notice Kisame had gotten him the ice-cream.
"I said," Itachi said, glaring at Kisame, "I want some of the ice-cream."
"...You're getting blinder, Itachi," Kisame said, shoving the bowl into Itachi's hands. "Here's the bowl, Itachi."
The bowl missed.
Everyone stared at the bowl fall dramatically, with each passing millisecond becoming more and more tense. A collective gasp sounded in the room when the bowl of premium strawberry ice-cream landed on the Uchiha prodigy's shandal (shoe/sandal).
"NO! Ice-cream is expensive," Kakuzu wailed. He sobbed loudly, tears pouring down his face.
"Haha. I've got to record this," White Zetsu snickered.
Itachi's eye twitched, again, even more violently than before. The members concentrated on his face, stifling laughs.
"Kisame... what have you done?" Itachi said, glaring at his partner menacingly.
Hidan couldn't hold back a laugh. "This is going to be so damn interesting! Itachi's going to fucking blow!"
Dramatic music started playing in the background. Lightning struck as thunder boomed.
"DIEEEEEE FOOOOOLLLLL!" Itachi yelled, chasing Kisame around the living room with a spoon, Mangekyou Sharingan activated. Kisame shrieked like a little girl. The other guys - and Konan, of course - watched on amusedly.
When Pein couldn't stand Tobi and Deidara's giggling anymore, he shouted at the running pair. "Stop your immature acts immediately!"
They stopped abruptly. Itachi still had the spoon held up and Kisame's right leg was lifted slightly in mid-run.
The leader cleared his throat. "Kakuzu," he ordered, "as treasurer or the Akatsuki, give Itachi money for new shandals."
More tears streamed down Kakuzu's half-masked face. "NOOOOOOOO! MORE WASTED MONEY!" The treasurer began to hide all the money into various parts of his outfit.
Pein ignored him. "Konan, as the woman of this organization, CLEAN THE CARPET."
Konan glared at him. "Clean it yourself, asswipe!"
Pein sighed. "Kakuzu, Konan, now."
Kakuzu painfully handed the money over to Itachi's waiting hand. He ran up to his room, sobbing. A muffled "I hate you, leader-sama!" could be heard after the door slammed.
The paper-girl rolled her eyes. "Boys..."
"I guess I'll have to visit the shandal store," Itachi grumbled as he leapt out the living room window swiftly.
Itachi left and everyone burst out laughing - except for Pein, who chuckled inwardly, and Kisame, who felt bad. Deidara wiped away a tear.
Kisame pouted. "I'll just go to my room to feel guilty," he said sadly.
Deidara snickered. "And don't come back, fish cake!" he called after the fish cake's retreating figure.
"Yeah," Hidan said. "Atone for your sins, you fucking ugly bastard!"
Kisame reached the room he and Itachi shared. He could hear Kakuzu crying loudly from across the hall. "Maybe doing the traditional Shark Dance would make me feel better," he said to himself as he tried not to cry. After all, it was a dance his family would always perform on Christmas Eve and that made him feel warm and homey.
He put on his sunglasses and wiggled his butt, his hands making weird gestures as he hopped around in his room. "I do feel better!"
When he danced to Itachi's side of the room, Kisame's giant fish butt accidentally hit Itachi's nightstand. The poor nightstand couldn't handle Kisame's large old lady butt and was knocked over. The drawer popped out, and a box of Ninja Stars breakfast cereal fell out.
"Oh noes! Itachi-san would kill me!" Kisame fretted as he stopped doing the obscene dance, his hands on his head. "But I wonder why Itachi-san has cereal in his room..."
Kisame took a closer look at the box. There was a scrap of paper stuck onto it:
Property of Uchiha Itachi, infamous murderer of the Uchiha Clan.
Do not look inside of you shall suffer the consequences.
Ps, I know your weakness, Kisame.
Kisame pondered this for awhile. "Pfft, right. As if he knows a thing about me," he said cheerily. He ran downstairs, yelling at the top of his lungs, "GUYS! I FOUND CEREAL IN ITACHI-SAN'S ROOM!"
"Put it back, Kisame," Konan chided. "Remember what happened the last time you took Itachi's stuff?"
They all had a brief flashback moment and shuddered.
"No way. Open it, un," Deidara shouted.
All the yelling attracted Kakuzu and he walked down, hoping Kisame had found something valuable that can replenish the funds - or lack thereof - in the treasury.
Sasori shook his head. "Think of your future, Kisame," he said. "It's for your own good."
Hidan laughed. "Don't be such a pussy, gills! Open it!"
Kisame was indecisive. "I- I'm torn," he confessed. "Itachi-san will kill me, but... but... but..."
A mildly-interested looking Pein said, "I'll give you permission, Kisame. If the weasel is to hurt you in any way, he can say goodbye to his ass."
Everyone stared at Pein.
The leader shrugged.
"OH WELL," Kisame said.
Everyone holds their breath as Kisame opens the flaps of the Ninja Stars Box. The look on Kisame's face was almost comical as he poured out the contents.
"It's- it's- it's a diary!" Kisame stammered out, choking out the last word.
Sure enough, on the black thick hardcover book, the words THE AKATSUKI JOURNAL OF UCHIHA ITACHI was visible in childish handwriting. The Konahagakure logo was engraved on the back.
"The...Akatsuki...Journal...of...Uchiha...Itachi," Hidan read out loud after he walked over to where Kisame was sitting.
Kakuzu faked a gasp as he heard Hidan utter those words. "You can actually read?"
"Why you little -" Hidan started as he grabbed for his odd three-blade scythe.
"Tobi is a good boy!" said the thumbprint-faced nin, grinning beneath his mask as he joined Hidan and Kisame.
Instead of cleaning up the posh velvet carpet that Kisame ruined, Konan walked over and delicately picked up a gummi worm with two slender fingers.
"What is this?" she said, mostly to herself as she wrinkled her nose, studying the sugar-filled gummi worm.
"It's candy, un. I think I'll have a couple - OW!" Deidara's speech was cut off when Konan gave him a nice helping of True Pain of Humanity - papercuts. She cackled loudly, brandishing a designer leather whip (as seen on TV).
"Konan, behave yourself," said the leader sternly, like he was talking to a bunch of six-year-olds - which was true, in a way. "Kisame, just open the damn journal."
Kisame started to sweat buckets through his fishy pores, perspiration rolling down his face like a tap. The rest of the members idly picked at Itachi's gummi worms, waiting for Kisame to start.
A good five minutes passed and everyone was sitting in a good sized puddle. Hidan, bursting with curiosity, sighed loudly. "For the sake of Jashin, I'll fucking read it."
Hidan roughly grabbed the brittle book out of Kisame's hands and started to read the first page.
Dear Akatsuki-Journal of Uchiha Itachi,
Since your name is so long and troublesome to write and my hands get really sore as I pencil it in. I shall shorten your name to AJUI. Let's start over, now, shall we?
It is my first day at the Akatsuki Headquarters. Despite the fact that I'd already signed the membership contract before I oh-so-amazingly massacred my clan, the Akatsuki doesn't seem to believe my competence in joining. These are the exact reactions when everyone (with the exceptions of the leader and his girlfriend) saw me:
Pedophilic snake-guy: Mmm, an Uchiha, eh? He has a nice body, and his eyes will be a plus... yes...(licks face with an abnormally long purple tongue)
Red-haired babyface: He looks eight.
Plant man: Pein, he's still a kid. But then again, kids make good food.
Shirtless man with grey hair: Did you bring your teddy bear?
Old guy with a mask: I wonder how much an Uchiha costs...
Blue, shark guy with gills: He needs a haircut.
I am angered by Mr He-needs-a-haircut's comment. No, my hair is fine, thank you very much. In fact, Mother used to tell me how she was envious of my hair and wanted my secrets to keeping such shiny hair. Of course, I didn't tell her anything - it was too big a risk to leak out my secrets, even to Mother. Moreover, I am unlike my foolish little brother Sasuke whose hair are of those which resemble a duck's butt. After what I'd done to him, he probably can't even remember his name! The thought makes me cackle with anticipation of the battle that is sure to come ..
Inwardly, of course. On the outside, I am cool... as of an Uchiha.
There was an immediate uproar amongst the Akatsuki members after the last sentence was read.
"I never knew Itachi-san has shiny hair..." Tobi added thoughtfully. "Maybe he'll tell me his secret! After all, Tobi is a good boy!"
Konan looked scandalized. "I am not dating Pein!" she said, flustered.
Pein looked confused for a brief moment. "You're not?"
Konan decided to pretend she didn't hear his comment. "His ego is bigger than Kisame's fat old lady butt."
"HEY!" Kisame yelled. "Insulting much. Besides, my ass is very sculpted." he pouted and clutched his fish heart which was located in his left thunder thigh with both hands.
Kakuzu squinted. "Nothing blackmail worthy in the first entry," he said sadly.
"Are you kidding, old fart? This old book is blackmail worthy!" Hidan broke into a fit of manly giggles.
Sasori blinked. "I don't remember saying that..."
"That's because you threw you fucking brain out when you turned into a stupid puppet, un. Art isn't immortal, Sasori-no-danna."
"... Shut up, Deidara."
Pein, mildly interested about what Itachi had to say on his and Konan's non-relationship, urged Hidan to read on.
I have the blue guy with gills as my partner. He is a strong Akatsuki member, but of course, not as strong as yours truly. Note to self: Give him a wedgie in good time for his 'hair' comment because Uchihas will not stand to be insulted in such a way. Our hair is perfect, just like all the other parts of our bodies.
I have found out a lot of facts about my fellow Akatsuki friends/allies/future murder victims. For example,
Sasori, the red-head, has an unhealthy obsession with puppets. He treats them with such an attitude it's almost as if he thinks those worthless pieces of wood are actual living beings. BAH! What a delusional fool. Almost like Sasuke...
The shirtless guy with grey hair that's almost as awesome as those of an Uchiha, Hidan, has an ugly three-blade scythe. He also claims to have Tourette's Syndrome and swears at his pleasure, claiming he has no control over his actions. As if that will do him any good. He does rituals daily that involve physical harm to the human body and a few litres of virgin blood. But he does not die. I suspect he's immortal. The God of his, Jashin - or was it Jashon? - requires human sacrifices and provides immortality in return. I shall consider Jashin-ism.
Kakuzu is a stupid fool. He lusts after money and his mask is a sight for sore eyes. I believe Sasuke would use the word "ugly". Almost as horrifying to look at as Kakashi's. I want to slowly beat the living daylights out of his money-whore ass so intensely I almost had a lost my cool when I was properly introduced to him - inwardly, of course. I cannot let my disgust towards him overrule my usual coolness only an Uchiha prodigy can ever possess.
Zetsu eats people. I am going to try avoiding any sort of humane contact with him as long as I can. The looks he gives me rival that of Orochimaru.
Speaking of Orochimaru, i encountered him last night. At 2:30 a.m. In my bed. I woke up to odd hissing noises and an odd sensation on my abdomen area. I lifted my blanket and saw Orochimaru licking my abdomen with his eyes closed with pleasure. I got a kunai out and pressed it lightly to his throat. I thought he would slither out of my bed immediately, but instead he simply answered, "I did not expect you to be so kinky, Itachi-san." I looked at him with my devil eyes and whispered, very slowly, "Touch me again and I will castrate you in your sleep." He winked at me and left. I hope he does not go after my poor, little ducking otouto. Because if he does, I will make sure he doesn't deflower anyone else ever again. Ever.
Goosebumps have risen on my arm. I am shuddering. This was my fifth encounter with a pedophile. But of course, I cannot blame them. The smokin' hot bod' of an Uchiha is just too hard to resist.
Ah, the leader is calling for a meeting. Perhaps to announce him and the paper girl's engagement? Or perhaps marriage?
I will see you soon, AJUI. Until I next set the tip of my pen on your papers.
Meanwhile, in the shandal store, a bored Uchiha was browsing through the collection of Kimi Ru's ninja shandals. He gave a loud sneeze as the sales worker walked by.
"Bless you," he said cheerily.
"Thank you," was Itachi's stony reply.
"You know, they say when one sneezes, it's because another is talking about them.!"
Ignoring the comment, Itachi nodded to a pair of black ones. "Size seven."
The man smiled and left to get the shandals, leaving Itachi to ponder what he'd just said.
Everyone was chatting non-stop about their latest discoveries. Orochimaru was a real pedophile; Itachi thought Kakuzu was ugly; Hidan's hair was acceptable in Itachi's near-blind eyes.
Hidan was cracking a joke about how he and Itachi used to pore over Cosmo Girl and Seventeen magazines together when a scrape of a ninja shandal was heard outside the door.
Everyone fell silent.
Pein, panic in his eyes, said in the calmest voice he could muster, "Kisame, I want you to put everything back in its original spot. Now."
Kisame nodded quickly and scampered upstairs to his room, giving everyone a terrible image of his barely-intact saggy butt.
Tobi looked at the ceiling. "I guess Leader-san does have a weakness after all."
"Good afternoon, men," Itachi said as he casually strode past the members assembled in the living room. "And woman," he added after a death glare from Konan. They all stared at him, trying to look their most innocent but of course epically failing.
But he didn't spare them a glance more as he pushed the door that led to the kitchens open. A shiny glint caught their eye as the door slammed shut.
"Was Uchiha Itachi wearing bling on his shandals, un?"
"I'll be those were Kimi Ru's," Sasori added mildly.
Kakuzo finally had enough of the horrible stabs at his multiple hearts and ran out of the hideout, leaving glowing pink blobs of snot and tears in his wake.
Meanwhile in the kitchen, Itachi was going through the contents of the fridge which was, not very fruitful because Kakuzo won't let anyone buy any food whatsoever unless absolutely necessary. All I tachi saw in the fridge was rotten milk and a squirrel carcass.
"Cheapskate crab,"Itachi muttered as he stopped himself from using his supernatural Uchiha strength to slam the fridge door close but settled for a gentle push.