I don't even know what this is, to be quite honest... But I spent the night writing this and didn't get much sleep so I figured I'd post it. I'm apologizing in advance: if there are any typos (I hope there aren't because if there are I'm going to hit myself) I'm sorry.
The idea came to me and didn't leave my head when I saw a gifset on tumblr but I'm way too tired to deal with Fanfiction's bitchy link restrictions, so I'm not gonna post the link. It's not important for the story either so it's all good. This has a little Bade in it, just to warn you. And I tried to stick to the canon stuff as much as possible, which also means there's less Beck+Trina in here but more Tori+Jade.
If you want you can review since I really worked hard on this (although it still didn't turn out the way I wanted it to.)
I hope you enjoy!
Disclaimer: I still own nothing.
You've always had your eye on him, right from the start. Ever since that one day, his first day at Hollywood Arts, you wanted him. So badly. His hair was so perfectly fluffy, calling for your fingers to run through it; his skin was almost completely free of any blemishes, something rare for a boy in his puberty years; and his smile, oh God, his smile. You still remember your younger self clinging to your locker door, drooling over him from far, far away. He was so ridiculously perfect, your Prince Charming, you were sure about that. You two were destined to be together, to get married and have beautiful, perfect little babies. Beck Oliver was going to be your boyfriend, you would make sure of that.
But stupid you had to fuck everything up.
God, you just wanted to wait this one week. One week and then your braces would be gone and you'd go straight up to Beck, flash him your perfect teeth and woo him with your irresistible charm. But when you walked into school the following Monday, confident as ever and completely free of ugly metal in your mouth, you found your heart plummet into your stomach and smile slip when you saw him, attempting to flirt with some brunette chick who seemed highly uninterested in him. You couldn't help but think she was incredibly stupid for not paying attention to Beck; had she even looked at him?! But whatever, you thought, if she doesn't want him, the better for you. You'd just wait, make a move on him some other time, maybe when he's really vulnerable because that girl turned him down. You thought it was a good plan at the time.
A week later however, that plan turned out to be the stupidest thing ever.
A week later, Beck&Jade were born.
You once heard that "Love doesn't make sense" on TV.
At the time you didn't even understand that phrase, how could love not make sense? It was easy enough, right? Find someone you really like, get to know them and then get together with them. Easy enough. You didn't understand movies in which the two leads started out hating each other, only to fall deeply in love with one another in the end. Why would the sweet and nice girl fall in love with the horribly arrogant and pompous jerk? No, it was plain stupid. It didn't make any sense.
Now it does.
You know now how it feels to fall for someone who you never ever dreamed of ever falling for. Jade is everything you never wanted. She's a girl, first and foremost. She's cynical and bitter, incredibly smug and mean, temperamental and sarcastic and to top it all off… she hates you. Jade is nowhere near your perfect image of the person you always wanted to fall in love with. She's not a prince, she doesn't treat you like a princess, she doesn't own a sugar castle (okay, maybe you could leave that out) and she sure doesn't love you unconditionally. It's not what you want, you didn't sign up for this. But you can't just tell your heart to stop jumping whenever she smiles. You can't stop yourself from staring at her, 'cause you can't even understand people who don't stare at her.
You can't stop yourself from wanting her.
Sometimes you even think you're a masochist. How you manage to adore her still, even after all the things she put you through, after all the insults that hit you over your head like a heavy brick, was beyond you. Your heart has been crushed, burned, cut and stomped on by her so many times and yet it refuses to let go of her. It just keeps beating for her, even if Jade will keep torturing it.
And you know she will.
You want to hate her.
You want to feel the need to hurl every time you hear her annoying voice, you want to mean the horrible things you throw at her every day. But you don't. Instead you just want her.
It's a mystery to you when and how your jealousy, your actual dislike turned into… this. You don't know what to call it but you refuse to refer to it as love or even having a crush. No. You don't have a crush on Tori Vega. You just want her, where's the big deal?
One day (and you still remember that day although you wish you wouldn't) you just noticed how 'not despicable' Tori actually was. She was still this annoying ball of niceness and generosity but, God, she was actually so much more than that. You still hated her blind optimism and peppy attitude – and sometimes you think that that will never completely go away – but she was also so passionate about what she wanted to do, so determined and fresh. She was actually quite beautiful, you had decided. Especially when her eyes would get this angry little spark and her mouth would twitch with fury while she tried to keep her aggravation locked inside.
Oh yes. She was most beautiful that way.
You suddenly understood why everyone loved her so damn much. But it annoyed the hell out of you, the way everyone wanted a piece of her. You began to feel a sort of possessiveness you only ever felt in association with Beck and it scared you, to some extent, that Tori managed to tickle that out of you. You didn't want people fawning over her. You didn't want boys to ask her out, you didn't want girls to try to be her best friend. Simply put, you wanted all of her attention for yourself. So you did what you had to do. The only way to assure that she wouldn't overlook you in the midst of all these pretty faces was to keep doing what you did: give her a hard time, no matter how much the hurt look on her face got to you.
At least this way she wouldn't forget you're there.
You don't know what could possibly be wrong with you.
You tell yourself how perfect your life is. The school you get to attend is one of the best ones in the country and will hopefully pave the way for a successful career as an actor. You have a great family, a cool home – what teenage boy is able to do whatever he pleases by living in an RV and simultaneously doesn't even have to do his own laundry? –, great friends and a beautiful girlfriend. It's perfect, your life. Just the way it is.
So why do you keep thinking about Trina Vega?
You know she has a crush on you. You don't want to seem full of yourself but almost every girl at this school at least liked you a little bit at some point in their life. But there was always, always only Jade for you.
Until recently, that is.
With Tori being a crucial part of your group now, Trina is often a (unwanted) companion, wherever you are. You used to find her annoying, just like the rest of your friends – yes, sometimes even Tori – did. She could be so selfish, so incredibly self-centered. She was intrusive and very, very loud. Her singing could easily destroy eardrums and yet… she thinks she is the most talented person to have ever resided on this planet. It was pesky to most but you… you started to admire this girl. Wasn't that what being a performer was all about? Being passionate about what you do, to never give up even if others want you to and to believe in yourself no matter what? In your eyes (and you can't figure out when that happened), Trina is the embodiment of a true performer. She just hasn't found her right field yet.
You admire her and – God forbid – you think you're actually starting to like her.
You don't know what to think when Tori tells you that she is in love with Jade. The first thing that shoots through your brain is 'What the hell?', the second one 'Why on earth?' and the third 'She has to be freaking kidding me.'
You don't understand, at all, so that's why you end up asking her, "Why in the name of everything that's holy would you fall in love with Jade?" She answers you with a shrug, quietly, while looking into her lap. "I don't know. It just happened." You tell her that "love doesn't just happen" that easily, that there had to be a reason, something that would explain this utter madness. But what Tori tells you next only confuses you even more.
"Sometimes things you think would never happen just happen. And even though you didn't expect them to happen, you wouldn't trade them for the world."
It doesn't make any sense to you. Your sister is in love with… her 'abuser', basically. Why would she ever hold such strong feelings for somebody who bullies her day for day, who probably wants to see her die in a deep hole? Sure, Jade is attractive in that gothic, dark and mysterious way and she does have a great rack, you have to admit that. But that couldn't be the reason her baby sister fell in love with her, could it? You feel yourself being pulled back in time for a moment, standing in the busy hallway of Hollywood Arts while you're watching Beck and Jade kiss in front of her locker.
Huh. Why did everyone fall in love with her?
You don't understand and you probably never will.
You and Beck break up and you feel so. Fucking. Awful.
He just leaves you out there in front of the Vega house and lets you get to ten without opening that damn door. You're shocked. You were so sure he would open it. Swallowing hard, you jump into your car, not knowing if you should cry or punch someone in the face, and drive and drive and drive, well into the night. Until you find yourself back, standing in front of that door. Before you can chicken out you inhale deeply, push the doorbell and wait. It takes a while but eventually you hear loud steps from inside and the door flies open.
You feel your breath catch.
There she is, wearing pyjamas and her glasses, face losing all that tension that had built up for whatever reason and mouth releasing a long gush of air. "I was hoping you'd come back," she says softly and ushers you into the house. "I was so worried about you! Are you okay?"
It still amazes you, even after knowing Tori for quite a while now, how compassionate and worried she always is about you. She's your enemy, at least everyone thinks she is, and yet she's the person you trust the most in this world. That's why it doesn't surprise you in the least when you crumble right there in front of her, hot tears burning your eyes and sobs spurting from your mouth at a rapid speed. You fall into the embrace she offers, not letting her go even long after her gentle voice and caresses of your hair managed to calm you down.
It's times like these, when it's just the two of you in a rare moment of truce and intimacy, that you're reminded of how much you don't actually hate her at all.
Trina kisses you, biting your lip so hard that you think it'll start to bleed. You're shocked but feel the strong beat of your heart against the bones of your chest as you watch her walk away. Seems like your crush on her didn't go away after all.
You're annoyed, drenched from head to toe and if that isn't bad enough, you really have to pee. But Jade looks so pretty in the driver's seat, hair dancing in the cold wind and tired eyes slightly squinting, that you can't even be mad at Cat for making you go all the way to San Diego, only to find out the trip was made for nothing since Mona Patterson is still very much alive. "Why are you staring at me, Vega?"
You realize you spaced out while staring at Jade the entire time and quickly rip your eyes away from her. "No reason," you mumble while looking straight ahead, eyebrows furrowing when you realize only now how… not Jade-like Jade's voice had sounded. Jade sighs from beside you and you flick your eyes toward Fat Santa. "This trip was so pointless. If Cat wasn't Cat I probably would have driven back to that gas station and left her there with that creepy clown."
Your lips twitch with a smile as you glance toward the backseat where Cat was sleeping peacefully with her neck uncomfortably craned to the side. You turn back to Jade with a smile. "I'm sorry you didn't get to breathe in your fumes."
Jade glances over at you, smirks when she shifts her gaze back to the freeway in front of her. "Whatever, Tori."
The excitement you feel rushing through your veins is almost overwhelming. A date with Beck, that's what you always wanted! But when the doorbell rings, it's Andre and he's jealous and you're so confused when Beck and Andre start fighting and Robbie turns up on your doorstep with flowers in his hands. You'd normally love the attention but today, today something just seems off. Beck holds you back when Andre starts beating poor Robbie with the tea kettle and you scream and break free from Beck's embrace to get your dad. When you get back however, heart pounding and your father in tow, all three boys… are playing with glove puppets. Your dad looks at you as if you lost your mind and maybe you have because first the tea kettle and now… puppets? The boys tell you it's bad to tell lies and then they're gone, leaving you confused and all alone in your living room.
The next day you see Andre and Robbie smiling to themselves when they see you, trying their best to keep their chuckles in. But Beck… Beck surprises you. He comes into the room after your last class of the day and holds you back until everyone else is gone. You try to step past him because you really, really don't want to be humiliated again but then… then he kisses you. And it's not like the kisses you shared before, it wasn't at all like the kiss he bestowed upon you yesterday, which left you completely mushy in the head for a couple of minutes.
No, this one was soft and intense and amazingly amazing. You're breathless once he pulls away and look up at him as if he were a Fata Morgana. "Sorry about yesterday," he tells you smoothly while he runs a thumb over your cheek, "I hope I made it up to you now."
He cracks a soft smile but you only gape at him in shock and utter bewilderment. You stand there in the empty classroom for a long while, even long after Beck left, but no matter how hard you try you don't manage to get this weird, complicated knot out of your brain.
You don't know what's real and what's wrong anymore.
Sikowitz forces you to go on a date with Tori so that your performance as husband and wife will be believable to the audience. A stupid evening spent with Tori Vega won't do any good, you tell yourself on your way to Nozu. I don't want to do this, you think. But when you walk into the restaurant and Sikowitz calls you over and your eyes fall on her… you can't help but hate that tiny, tiny part of yourself that actually wants to be here.
You usually love when you and Tori are alone but this is just plain awkward and the way she slurps her stupid soup is driving you insane. You start to argue, with Sinjin and Burf's eyes steadily fixed on the two of you, and you end up telling her you don't like her. You know it's a lie of course but you wish Tori doesn't and that she would just believe it for God's sake, so you can be at peace. But she doesn't, she pushes and you eventually tell her that her singing isn't all that awful – which is probably the understatement of the century; you love to watch her perform. In return she tells you that she admires your ability to always say what's on your mind and you weakly lash out at her because you know it's not true, there are so many things you're afraid to say.
So it's your turn again and you want to be brave for once. You tell her she's pretty, to which she smiles in that… adoring way almost, you dare to say, and when she doesn't say anything in return you slightly start to panic internally. "You could say I'm pretty," is what you say while you pick at your food.
Tori's voice is determined, full of truth when she responds to you. "You are pretty."
You slowly turn and she shrugs, again with that sweet smile on her lips that you hate to love. You blush and she blushes too and both of you turn back to your food because this is just too weird. Or is it?
Then those stupid boys come and Tori and you sing for them to take a hint and God, you love the feeling you get when singing with her. After you got rid of those two morons your date continues with just the two of you (well, and Sinjin and Burf but they don't count) and you actually have fun. You even drive her home that night, talking and laughing with her as if that's how it always is with you and her. You tell her that it actually wasn't so bad after all ("…or whatever.") and she smiles and agrees and then reaches behind her neck to unclasp her necklace. "I just… I want you to remember this night," she explains as she lays the necklace into your palm, "In case everything will get back to the way it was before today… you at least have a reminder that it can be different."
You don't know what to say because you're actually touched by this so you just clear your throat, blink rapidly and mumble out a soft "Thanks." You say goodnight to each other and you wait until she's safely inside the house before you make your way home, all the while glancing at the shimmering necklace in the passenger's seat.
You're not quite sure but you think you might be in love with Tori.
You don't know how to feel when Jade takes your spot at the Platinum Music Awards. You know she'd be stupid to let such an opportunity slide but a part of you wishes she would have declined… for you. And now you sit here on your sofa, Jade and Cat and Robbie and Andre all gone and Beck inching closer to you. You stop him in just the right moment and tell him you can't do this. It wouldn't be right, even if you probably would have kissed him the first time he tried to, hadn't your mom walked through the door.
It would be the perfect revenge to take on Jade, it would show her that she doesn't always has the upper hand. It would hurt her, pierce right through your heart if she'd ever find out about it. But that's exactly why you can't do it. The thought alone sends a knife through your own heart. You can't do that to a friend.
You can't do that to the girl you're in love with either.
You don't really know why you try to kiss Tori. Maybe because you miss Jade, you feel lonely, yes, that's probably it. You're mad at Jade for taking the spot at the Platinum Music Awards. Kissing Tori would be a good thing to do, even if Jade would never (and you hope she doesn't) find out about it.
(You refuse to accept the thought that you only try to kiss Tori because she reminds you of Trina.)
(No, that definitely can't be.)
You watch Tori stop your ex-boyfriend and tell him that she "can't do that to a friend". You feel a stone fall off of your heart but you're not sure if it's because of Beck or Tori.
Later in the evening you give Tori the chance she always dreamed of, the chance she really deserves, the chance you should have never taken from her. You don't think about the possible consequences or about how you just let such a big opportunity slip through your fingers. You don't really care about the smile Beck sends you but you return it anyway, if only to make him feel bad later when you'd confront him about kissing Tori. All you care about is how happy Tori looks as she comes on stage and how perfect she is up there. And when she hugs you after it's over, so tightly that you think you might melt together, you can't help but think everything was so worth it.
She's looking at you the entire time and the words she's singing seep into your brain, telling you that they were written just for you. You feel your breath halt in your throat, feel your heart pulsing through your entire body. Was this really happening, you wonder dazedly, does she really feel the same way as you do? The song ends and everyone around you erupts into applause but she's staring at you and you feel your heart burst.
But then everything stops; your heart, your mind, your life as you watch Beck walk up on stage. You feel foolish, so incredibly stupid. All that's left for you to do is fake a smile and get your heart broken all over again. You could have sworn she sang for you.
But when she kisses him you know you were wrong.
It's for her and only for her and you really hope she gets it. You decided to be brave today, so that's why you're standing up here and are singing your heart out for the girl you're very much in love with. And she gets it, you think and feel yourself falling even more for her when she sings along with you. You finish the song, slightly out of breath and heart pounding. You expectantly look at her but frown when you realize she's not looking back at you, her wide brown eyes instead fixed on something else. You follow her line of vision and see him come up on stage and you're so confused because this is not according to your plan.
He tells you he missed you but all you want to do is push him off stage and drag Tori up here. But you don't. You don't because you see Tori smiling at you, encouraging you to take him and you… you do. It's probably easier this way, it really is.
But it hurts so much when you kiss him that you don't think you'll be able to do this.
And yet you know you will.
You tell Tori about your perfect girl and can't help but glance over at Trina, who's yelling at Andre's grandma. You know you have to take a risk sometime and how do you even know Trina isn't the right girl for you? You haven't even tried yet. So you're determined, you are going to ask her out. For real this time, not as a part of Andre's plan to teach her a lesson. But then… then Jade starts singing this song… for you. You see her glance over to you every so often and suddenly you start to panic.
What if you can't handle Trina?
What if she's too much for you?
She won't be as easy to control as you can control Jade, in fact, Trina is not Jade. She's not insecure, you won't be able to use the methods you use on Jade on her. She's different, a tiny bit stronger than Jade but a little less scary.
No. No, you can't do this.
So you go up on stage and look into those familiar eyes that you once really loved. For a second you think you're making a big mistake but you dismiss that thought as fast as you can. Jade is familiar, you know her inside out, she's the safer option in this case. So you kiss her. But instead of a spark or a hot flame you feel… almost nothing.
But she's comfortable. That has to be enough.
You glance over at Tori when they kiss and you know that she feels horrible. You can relate, you think and turn your attention back to the just reunited happy couple. You desperately hope the cheering all around you and the yells of Andre's grandma will manage to conceal the loud cracks of your sister's and your own heart.
It barely did.
You lie in his arms, tears rolling down your face when you smell the familiar scent of coffee mixed with Beck's cologne. You wish the warm body pressing into your back was Tori's and instead of the always so comforting scent of your boyfriend, the sickly sweet strawberry scent of Tori's hair would creep up your nose.
His arm around her waist and her hand holding his shoulder. Side by side they stand, Jade looking incredible in that blue dress and you… you really try not to let them get to you. You lost, you should finally accept it and get on with your life.
But who are you kidding, that's not going to happen. Not when Jade still wears your necklace every so often. Well, at least you can take comfort in that.
You watch her sometimes, discreetly of course, how she makes kissy faces at the small mirror in her hand. But then you hear Jade, complaining about who knows what, and you feel your heart sink when you realize that you're never going to be able to break out of this. It's Jade, you have to get that into your head and forget about Trina, once and for all.
But you don't think it's going to be easy. At all.
There are so many guys that would kill to be your boyfriend. Well, at least that's what you tell yourself. But every time you lay your eye on a cute boy, he comes around the corner and reminds you that no one will ever make you feel like he does. You hate that you feel this way even though there never was anything between the two of you. But you can't change the way you feel. And you're scared that Beck will never leave your heart alone.
No matter what you do.
It's The Vega Sisters and Beck&Jade.
That's how it always will be.
That's how it's supposed to be.
But that's not what they want to be.