Disclaimer: We do not own Naruto because both of us are just part of the middle class and we aren't Japanese either.
NejiTen and ShikaTema or something. Mostly friendship but some yaoi pairings if you squint real hard and if you aren't half-blind like Itachi. Occurs before Itachi dies and Sasuke doesn't want to destroy nor save Konoha. We somehow managed to revive every single dead character.
Author's note: We were on crack when we wrote this (or not) but we are always this weird. We also split the chapters up because it's just really LONG. Eh. CHING CHANG CHONGS TO ALL OF YOU~
When All Ends Meet
Chapter one: the grocery store
It was Itachi's turn to cook today. No one particularly liked his cooking, because the angst that runs through his veins actually pour into the food he makes, and no one really enjoyed their start-of-the-day meal oozing with Uchiha angst and sheer depression.
Itachi sulked into the kitchen and headed towards the refrigerator, careful to not trip over the insect carcasses that Zetsu left on the floor to decay, or the ice cube Deidara had left on the floor in hopes the Uchiha prodigy would slip. "Try harder," he hummed quietly and yanked the door to the refrigerator open, with an air of sexiness, of course, as of how an Uchiha should open refrigerator doors. The first thing his near-blind eyes saw was...
He blinked and let his hands roam the empty space of the cold storage box (the Uchiha never use commoner words such as refrigerators) and indeed, there was nothing in the cold storage box. The first word that came to Itachi's messed-up mind was Kakuzu.
Many of the Akatsuki members have found themselves in this situation before. The causes consisted of either a) Kakuzu refused to pay for grocery delivery simply because the delivery boy often asked for tips, b) some bastard, most likely Hidan and Deidara, forgot to inform the Leader the refrigerator was empty, which more or less leads to Cause A, and c) the food ate themselves because freaky shit happens when the Akatsuki are involved.
After making the conclusion that Cause A had occurred once again, the Uchiha took it upon himself to carry his thunder thighs to the nearest grocery store. Uchihas should not have thunder thighs but thanks to Itachi's near-blind eyes, he couldn't see the amount of fat accumulating or the number of calories on every Pop-tart he eats. Kisame had once told him to cut down on the junk, but he simply refused to acknowledge the fact he was obese. It was thanks to the bulky Akatsuki cloak that no one noticed. He left the kitchen to inform the Leader-san of his current predicament.
"We are now equivalents of those who are going through war and suffer from poverty," Itachi declared with the power that Itachi has spent years practicing in front of the mirror and of course, on his duck-butt little brother as he stepped into Pein's office.
Pein was sitting in his large leather chair, reading Icha Icha Tactics as he tried to stop the faint blush from spreading across his cheeks. He knew Konan opposed strongly to reading Jiraiya's works of fiction because he was their sensei and it would simply be wrong to be reading "the thoughts of another", as the blue-haired nin called it, and the fact that it contained mature content that only crossed the minds of Orochimaru and Jiraiya.
"What is it, Itachi?" Pein sighed as he tossed the green book over his shoulder without caring where it landed.
"We, the Akatsuki, have ran out of resources that are vital in living in this world as needy humans."
"You mean the groceries?" Pein inquired politely, confusion written all over his face.
"Yes," Itachi replied. "We have no more of it. It is finished, done, devoured completely."
"Alright, 'round up the livestock, we're going shopping."
Itachi smiled. Yes, it is time to go shopping.
"Sasuke," Suigetsu whined, "I ran out of water."
"Hn," Sasuke replied noncommittally. They were nearing the outskirts of Konoha now, and the most practical spot to get liquids for Suigetsu was Konoha Grocery Store, and right now Sasuke wasn't all too fond of stepping foot in his old home. "We'll stop at a river."
"Rivers are filthy! The fish crap in the water; I'm not letting any of their shit enter my system," Suigetsu said.
A twitch started to form at the base of Sasuke's left eye. "Drink your own piss, then." he said, irritated. Why, oh Kami why, does he have idiots for teammates?
"Sasuke," Karin said as she gently rested her hands on Sasuke's broad shoulders, which Sasuke not-so-subtly shrugged off. "It'll be good to go into the village. Besides, maybe we can get some time... alone," Karin added with a suggestive purr. It felt as if snakes were crawling up Sasuke's body and flicking their grotesque tongues against his sexy hot bod. He shuddered.
"I'll evaporate soon if I don't get any liquids into my system," Suigetsu pressed. "Sasuke, Sasuke, Sasuke, Sasuke... Pleaaaaaaaaaaase."
Suigetsu started a chant and Sasuke's face began to twitch violently. To make matters worse, Juugo started talking to the donkeys that lived in the thick of the forest, and the irritating brayings that meant nothing to Sasuke was starting to piss him off. Badly.
"I have had enough. We are going to visit the grocery store."
Naruto rubbed the sleep (and some flaky thing that Naruto couldn't distinguish) from his eyes, yawning as he stretched his muscles. He treaded into the kitchen before remembering he finished all his foodstuff the night before when he had the boys of Rookie Nine over for some quality Boys Night Out.
"Damn it," he muttered. "Oh well. It's time to get some groceries, dattebayo."
He walked down the streets after changing into his usual black and orange attire, his hands behind his head as he whistled cheerily. He spotted Sakura walking out of her house and immediately ran up to her.
"Ne, Sakura-chan, want to go to the store?" he said suggestively after exchanging hellos with a waggle of his well-trimmed eyebrows, earning him a punch in the forearm which he faked pain, okay not so much.
"Sure. I have to do the groceries anyway," she smiled.
"It could be a," he paused slightly and whispered the next word into her ear, "date."
She shivered and screamed, then gave Naruto a good helping of Haruno Sakura's Knuckle Sandwich.
The Akatsuki tried to enter the store with as much dignity and innocence as possible, which was hard since they were all S-ranked missing nin who had killed plenty and also because their cloaks were so last season. As the whole Akatsuki crew strided in, people cowered at their feet. The Akatsuki members, having lost their heart so many aeons ago, did not even spare them a glance as they made their way to the trolleys.
"Toby will push the trolley because Tobi's a good boy!" Tobi proclaimed as he laughed with maniacal glee.
"Alright," Pein declared with a tone of authority, "you all will go off in pairs. Everyone will be handed a list, and please complete your mission before getting sidetracked. We don't want last time's events to repeat itself."
Scraps of paper were handed out and the Akatsuki members set off in pairs, except for Tobi and Zetsu, who opted to split up instead because Tobi wanted to follow Deidara-senpai instead. Zetsu was fine with it and waved it off with a nonchalant "no offense taken there" as he tried to prevent the dam of tears from bursting and leaking to leak down his face.
Kisame quickly scanned his list and deemed them all from the frozen foods section. A frown etched itself on his face as he said, in a tone of suppressed anger, "Leader-san assigned us sushi and fish again. He knows I'm... sensitive. Don't you think that's just simply unacceptable, Itachi?" he questioned as he bared his shark teeth.
Itachi did not respond.
It was expected since Kisame did not see butthurt over it. He launched into a rant on the possibilities to why Leader-san would do this to him, and why fish meat is more important than any other meat. "I mean, killing sharks to make soup with their fins? That's just sick, Itachi-san, though I'm curious, do you enjoy - " Kisame turned to gouge Itachi's expression, only to find that an empty space has replaced the Uchiha that was standing there mee seconds ago..
Sighing, Kisame began filling the basket up with things from the list. "He never listens," he muttered with a sad smile, as he made a face at his cousins that lay dead on trays of ice.
Itachi casually strolled down aisle four, scouting his surroundings for any of his comrades. When he was sure no one he knew was watching him, he stopped and looked the racks up and down, his obsidian eyes scanning each bottle hungrily.
Ah, the wonder aisle four can do to Uchiha Itachi. It was his favourite place in Konoha, after his own bedroom, of course. Aisle four - beauty & cosmetics.
He rubbed the chapped fingernail on his right hand in between the index and the middle finger of his left. Maybelline, Essie, Cover Girl - heaven! He picked up Cascade Cool, Pearly White, Velvet Voyage and Jam n' Jelly, trying to figure out which colour went with his eyes, with sharingan or without.
A four-year-old girl stared at the bottles in his hands, then at his face. Her mother tugged her along the aisle, but stopped at the lipstick section. The girl yanked her hand free of her mother's, and cautiously walked up to Itachi. Thinking she was going to make fun of him or worse - ask for a piggyback ride, he activated his sharingan, hoping the girl would make a run for it after witnessing a young man's eyes spiral into a dark crimson colour almost similar to blood.
"Hey, mister?" she whispered, unfazed. She let her gaze drift to her mother, to see the older woman was watching her, and focused on Itachi when she learned her mother wasn't paying attention. She pointed to the bottle with the label Velvet Voyage and said, "I think that colour would look pretty on you, especially when your eyes change colour."
"Tha- thank you, midget," Itachi choked out. He imagined the violet on his fingernails, especially with his mangekyo sharingan, and his heart leapt with glee.
"You're welcome, mister," she grinned toothily and skipped back to her mother.
The bell that hung at the door chimed. Itachi turned around to look at the store's newest inhabitants and his jaw hung slack. He quickly shut his mouth and went to hide behind a rack.
Itachi's Sasuke Stalking Sense was kicking up a storm. There was so much feeling in what was left of his tainted soul. The vibrations made him all tingly inside. He knew this feeling. He could recognize that duck-butt hair anywhere.
"Oh Sasuke," he moaned as his pocketed the bottle of Velvet Voyage, and on second thought he put Jam n' Jelly into his pocket, too.
Hidan and Kakuzu were almost finished their list. After all, they weren't called the Zombie Combo for nothing. Kakuzu flinched at each item that Hidan chucked into the trolley. Once in awhile, he would yell and point out items that are cheaper or had special deals. Hidan on the other hand, couldn't care less and would just let Kakuzu take things out of the trolley and replace them with lower priced ones.
"Hidan, no! These are 200 ryo cheaper, 200 ryo!"
"Hidan, take these instead. They come with a plush toy. Don't you think the unicorn's colourful rump is oh-so adorable?
"Hidan, would you at least look at the deals! This says if you get another one it comes at half price!"
"Hidan, would you be careful with that? If it breaks we have to pay for it! Then it's wasted money!" Kakuzu warned.
Hidan checked items off their list as they placed them into their basket. They were quickly down to one item only - cow's milk. They proceeded to where the dairy products were stored and Hidan quickly scanned through the rows of milk bottles before randomly selecting one and putting it into their basket.
"Damn it, Hidan! Don't you ever listen? That's 40 ryo extra compared to this other one!" Kakuzu picked up another bottle and roughly shoved it into Hidan's empty hands. "Take this one!"
Hidan muttered something unintelligent but picked up the bottle from the basket regardless. "What's the difference between this shit anyway? They're fucking milk, Kakuzu. No one gives two shits. Seriously."
"Would you look at the price tag for once? Or has that-"
Hidan immediately tuned out Kakuzu's next words as his eyes fell upon the label of Kakuzu's selection of milk. "What the fuck? God's Bless - ?"
"Were you listening at all? It's just milk - " Kakuzu sighed.
"Heathens!" Hidan spat. "Fucking heathens going around with this God person when Jashin-sama is up there watching over those undeserving rats! When Judgement day rolls around and y'all fall into the clutches of hell, don't say I didn't warn you ugly cocksuckers! This bottle of milk," Hidan raised the glass bottle as Kakuzu groaned in annoyance and smacked his palm to his not-so-appealing face, "is blasphemous!"
WIth that, God's Bless fell to the ground and shattered into a billion pieces. Milk splattered everywhere and soaked the hems of the Zombie Brothers' cloaks.
"Goddamn Hidan, now look at what you've done! We're gonna have to pay for that, ya' know!" Kakuzu yelled and fixed his vice grip onto Hidan's wrist and yanked him away.
"Let go of your religion! Atone for your sins, motherfuckers! Sacrifice a virgin tonight and Jashin might forgive your sorry souls," Hidan yelled.
Kakuzu's anger flared. Everyone was staring at them. He most positively blew when he heard the word ugly old man whispered among the people crowded around them. Kakuzu jabbed his crooked fingers at everyone and screamed, "Who said that? Who said that?! You slithead better own up now before I go after you with my freakish strings hidden inside my body which is really disgusting. I swear you're gonna have nightmares when I'm done with you, and that's only the beginning of what I have in store!" As an afterthought, he added, "You're going to hell!"
Security started to arrive at the scene. Both of them made a run for it. Hidden behind the loads of junk food they knew Itachi liked, Hidan slightly jerked his arm. Kakuzu realized he was still holding on to his wrist. He blushed and let go.
"Hey, Kakuzu," Hidan said slowly, rubbing the back of his head, "I'm really, really sorry for being a dick to you most of the time. Thanks for, uh, backing me up with the whole religion thing back there." Hidan smiled at him.
Kakuzu was stunned. A genuine smile, from Hidan, bad ass immortal who liked killing virgin girls and hurting himself like a pussy emo. "Er, you're welcome?" Kakuzu said, even though he hadn't done anything for Hidan. But hey, he apologized, yeah?
"Well, that was fun. We should report back if we don't want Leader to eat us for breakfast. Literally."
Gaara felt hungry and in need for any type of food that didn't taste like sand. Which was most of the food in their secluded desert. Also, the desert was getting hot lately, hotter than usual and Gaara could really use a drop in temperature before he goes walnuts. He immediately thought of the perfect solution. "Temari, Kankuro!" he called out. "Follow me to Konoha, we need ice cream."
Temari seemed enthusiastic enough, but Kankuro merely groaned. "Get ice cream from the locals, then," he said lazily as he dusted the insides of his puppets.
Gaara made a face. "We live in a desert. Ice cream is just liquid here. Besides, Temari wants to go." he said, looking around for Temari but she wasn't there. Rustling sounds were heard from the bathroom and Gaara assumed she was making herself look decent for a certain Konoha ninja. He thrusted his finger into his ear and flicking a glorious piece of sand that accumulated there and flicking it at Kankuro.
The sand landed on top of Kankuro's head and he gagged. "All right, all right, I'll go. You're disgusting."
"Oh that side of me is for your eyes only Kuru-kun,"Gaara said seductively and winked in Kankuro's direction.
"Disgusting," Kankuro hissed back.
Gaara smiled. "I am indeed."