disclaimer: we own nothing but the vomit-green beetle.

grocery store: part two

"That one's a bird," Shikamaru said to himself, watching the clouds with his hands behind his head. "And that one looks like a fan."

His mind automatically shifted to a certain kunoichi that wielded exactly that for a weapon. Surprisingly, that fan proved to be very effective in kicking enemy asses more than once.

Chouji grunted, chomped on another chip and said, "Nope. It kinda looks like a beef sandwich to me."

"Chouji, everything looks like a beef sandwich to you," he said, lazily turning his head away from the clouds and to his best friend.

Chouji shrugged. "Hey, some things look like chicken pies as well," said the Akimichi said as a half-hearted defense. "Either way, I ran out of food. Let's go get more."

Shikamaru sat up, groaning. Following Chouji to the grocery store was a daily routine Shikamaru had gotten accustomed to in the past few years of their friendship. He reluctantly got up, careful not to kick the pile of empty packs on the ground. Chouji stood as well.

"You're a great friend, Shikamaru," Chouji grinned, his eyes narrowing into slits. The Nara sighed and glanced at the fan-shaped cloud once more, "Damn right."

"What's on our list?" Black-Zetsu groused in his deep, gravelly voice.

White Zetsu peered at the words written carelessly on a paper bag, his head cocked to one side. "Yarn, black cloth, glass chess set," he said oddly.

Black-Zetsu blinked. "No crickets?"


They creeped along the aisles, searching for balls of yarn. The leader didn't specify its colour, but Zetsu decided they'd buy purple and silver, simply because they thought it would go with the Akatsuki cloaks.

A loud squealing noise that resembled a pig's screech was heard. Two slow voices were murmuring comforting words that were running somewhere along the lines of "Shut up or I'll eat you".

Zetsu peered through the shelves. A family of three. "The parents seem a bit old," White Zetsu mused. "Chewy, but delicious nevertheless."

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Black Zetsu asked distantly, his eyes focused on their snack.

"Of course," White Zetsu replied as they creeped forward to the unsuspecting family. "We do share the same mind after all."

"Well you know what they say, 'Great minds think alike',"Black Zetsu purred.

Ino breezed down the streets, winking about boys who caught her eye. They all collapsed in a dazed heap as Ino walked on, her long platinum blonde hair flying behind her. "I hate doing the groceries," she grumbled to herself once she was out of the boys' line of sight. "I'm too pretty for this."

"Ino-pig!" a cheery voice called. Sakura.

"Billboard Brow, came to brush my hair again?" Ino sneered.

"Nope," Sakura said happily, "just saying hi is all. Where you heading?"

Ino glanced at Sakura's choice of company - the snivelling Uzumaki whose eyes never once left the ramen stall - and contemplated before answering the truth, "Errands for my mom - groceries, you know?"

"Well come on then, I'm heading there as well. Gotta fill Naruto's refrigerator up with healthy food," Sakura smirked.

Naruto stopped short. "What?"

Ino shared a look with Sakura. The girls smirked, evil auras rolling off them in waves. A lone drop of sweat slid down his cheek. "Shit."

Pein and Konan strolled through the aisles looking for what they needed which consisted of-

Pein looked down to the grocery list, colour draining from his face. "K- Konan," he gasped out, "what is this?"

Konan glanced over Pein's shoulder to look at what had caused the Akatsuki leader so much discomfort.

"Tampons," Konan said nonchalantly. "I like the scented ones."

Pein's jaw hung slack. "No..." he whispered. "No. The other one."

"Oh pregnancy tests? Yeah I need some of those as well." Konan said absentmindedly.


"Welcome, mister!"

Neji glanced at the store attendant who had greeted him. "Hn. Hello," he responded politely because of the Hyuuga gentleman he is.

She screamed and promptly fainted at his feet. Flipping his hair, Neji ignored the snoring, unconcious girl at his feet and strided towards the 'hair care' aisle with Hyuuga flair.

"Panteen Pro-V," he mumbled softly. "Hiashi-sama would like this." He dropped it into his basket, and picked up another two as an afterthought. Little did he know the red haired girl he passed by earlier didn't stop staring at his hair ever since she got a whiff of the floral scent shampoo concoction that Neji made himself.

"What!" Karin yelled. "No hair should be smoother than mine!" She pointed angrily at the back of Neji's head, ignoring Sasuke's order to lay low and not make contact with anyone even if it costs their worthless lives..

Neji turned around. "Are you talking to me?"

Karin growled softly. "How...?"

Neji scrutinized her hair. "Ah, bad hair day? Well," he turned to the shelves and picked up a hot pink bottle, "try this. Floral scented conditioner - the Hyuuga's secret to silky hair."

"Are you playing the fool?" Karin snatched the bottle out of his hands and sniffed the bottle. Deeming the scent passable, she flicked her tongue against the bottle all the while looking at Neji like an animal on edge. Guess living with Orochimaru, you tend to pick up a few snake-like habits.

"I'm not done with you," Karin muttered oddly and sneered as she twitched away to ask permission from Sasuke.

Neji had a serious case of the creeps.

"Juugo, do you think we should get this for Karin?" Suigetsu snickered, holding a bottle of Acne-no-more.

"That's very thoughtful of you, Suigetsu-san," Juugo nodded, clearly missing the joke. "But I thought that you did not care about Karin-san whatsoever?" Suigetsu's face drooped.

"Whatever," he said boredly and threw the bottle into Juugo's hands, which deftly caught the plastic bottle. Suddenly interested, Juugo scanned the product's label. Safe to use, it said. Tested on animals.

Anger slowly bubbled up inside of him and his eyes were notably starting to change colour. Gripping the bottle in his slowly enlarging hand, he growled dangerously.

"Uh, Juugo?" Suigetsu asked. Taking note of his companion's shaking and rippling figure.

"Kill," Juugo muttered dangerously. "Kill..."

Suigetsu winced as it finally dawned on him. "Oh shit," he said as something near him went boom.

"What... What's this?" Shino gasped, a lone bead of sweat trickling down his forehead. He lifted his dark glasses up his nose. "Limited edition ninja info cards on the Aburame Clan!"

His bugs, sensing his excitement, stirred beneath his cloak. "Oh no," was the last thing muttered before all hell broke lose.

Bugs swarmed the aisles of the unsuspecting grocery store. "Ah," Shino grunted. "Bugs-chan!"

In mere seconds, Shino's drycleaned trench coat has been vacated of his insects. He started to feel panicked; never once in his life had he been without his bugs - he'd grown up with them! He felt exposed and naked, unprotected and unsheltered, like a shell-less snail.

He fell to his knees, his face pressed against the cold hard floor of the grocery store. "Shinichi-kun!" he called out, referring to his dung beetle, "Megumi-chan!" His vomit-green beetle.

"Don't leave me!" he said sadly. "Kurochi, Pare, Gurota!" He resumed his search for his beloved friends, not before pocketing the packet of ninja info cards into his coat.

"Ah, that Itachi," Kisame sighed, pouted. "Always leaving me behind and going ahead. I'm hurt."

He hefted the basket higher up his arm, his fish butt swinging as he continued to get things off the list. Fillet (cringe), Atlantic cod (wince), salmon (grimace), shark fin's soup (fatal wound).

When Kisame turned away from the fish section, he almost collided with a young woman with really, really, really large breasts. "Woah," he gasped at the glorious sight.

The woman scrutinized him from head-to-toe. "Aren't you that shark guy from the Akatsuki?" she asked, her eyes narrowing.

I'm famous! Kisame thought gleefully. "Ah, haha, yeah," he said bashfully, batting his eyelashes and scratching the back of his head. Must be my fine ass (cough cough), he thought, before he realized he had said it outloud.

Tsunade looked at him incredulously. "Fine... ass?" She peered at his behind. "You call that fine?"

Kisame's peaceful reverie shattered to pieces. Blushing hotly, he groused out, "I don't see nothin on you, old lady."

Tsunade pointed shamelessly at her magnificent chest. "There isn't anyone in Konoha who can compare to my junk!" she exclaimed proudly. The funny stares of passers-by did not faze her. "Not to mention my booty! This is the Senju butt that you now have the honor to be in the presence of! You should be grateful," she huffed.

Kisame blinked. "The what-butt?"

Passers-by gasped. Whispers of "He doesn't know the Senju butt?" spread like wildfire, and soon they were all gaping at him in shock.

"What?" Kisame asked indignantly.

"The Senju butt was the first and second hokage's legacy! How could you!" Tsunade said.

Kisame crossed his arms and lifted his chin in the air. "Well it can't be that famous if I haven't heard of it." he said, pouting like the little immature child he was.

"That's because you're dumb," Tsunade muttered.

"You take that back, lady!" Kisame yelled at the Senju butt-bearer. "The Hoshigaki butt is what you all should be looking out for!"

He stuck his butt out proudly, earning nods of approval from the audience.

"Enough!" Tsunade yelled, stomping her foot. "Do not insult the Senju butt again!"

Kisame smirked childishly. "Senju butt sucks!" sticking his tongue out.

And that was how Pein and Konan caught the fifth hokage and Kisame Hoshigaki in the midst of a strip dare.

ALI: And that's a wrap! Did you like the kisame/tsunade moment because it was hella fun to write. Pixie and I have two weeks of holiday so we MIGHT have chapter three posted soon. Knowing us - probably not. We MIGHT write a RtN (road to ninja) story too! stay tuned. (Pixie: You guys should probably check out the voice actors for Naruto as well. There's this video of a couple of them singing. Link on our profile!)


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