This ficlet is, like, 98% improv. I do not own any of these characters; I simply cannot get enough of them. Shout-out to tumblr users halfabagoffritos, mrsbeaverton, and xactodreams for their invaluable assistance. Also to Orphan Black for, y'know, existing.
"I hate this bloody ringtone," she mutters as she picks up the pink cell phone from the coffee table and glances at the number—it's Cosima's.
"So change it to 'London Calling' or something," Felix replies from his bedroom area, where he's still trying to figure out how Alison organized his clothes. "Also, we are never leaving Martha Stuart alone in here ever again."
Alison looks up from the magazine she's reading. "Excuse me, I'm right here!" She pauses. "You… were talking about me, right?"
Felix just smiles pleasantly. "Yes, yes I was."
"And no, Fee, I won't bring The Clash into all this bollocks." Sarah hits 'answer.' "Hello?"
"Hey, Sarah. Um… " Cosima clears her throat. "Can I have Felix's address?"
Sarah frowns. "Why?"
"I'll explain when I get there. Please?"
"How do I know this isn't a trap? Leekie could have a gun to your head right now."
There's a frustrated sigh. "Look—you were right, Delphine's been giving him information, I fucked up, and I'm a mess, and I just… need people who understand. Can I please have his address?"
"Um, yeah, of course," Sarah mutters, massaging her temples with her thumb and middle finger as she tells her the address.
"Thank you. I'll be there soon." The line goes dead.
Sarah turns to Felix and Alison. "Cosima's on her way over."
Felix is emptying his drawers out on the floor. "What for?"
"Ehm... Moral support. Bad breakup."
He gives her a look. "She did not."
Alison cocks her head to the side. "I didn't know she had a boyfriend."
"She didn't," Felix says without missing a beat.
"What do you mean, she—oh." Alison starts nodding. "Oh, okay. Gotcha."
Sarah arches an eyebrow. "You alright over there?"
"Fine," Alison says brightly. "Great. Felix, do you have any wine?"
He rolls his eyes. "Do I have any wine," he mutters before striding over to the fridge, grabbing a beer, and tossing it in Alison's direction.
She bobbles it a few times before finally getting a grip on the bottle and looking at it uncertainly. "I don't drink beer very often. Ever."
Felix gets one for himself and downs a long gulp, then holds it up in a "cheers" gesture. "Welcome to the Dawkins residence."
Someone bangs on the door and Cosima announces it's her without being prompted; when Sarah lets her in, she can see the red-rimmed eyes behind her glasses.
"Oi, want a drink?" Felix asks.
"You should have a beer," Alison adds, taking another sip from hers. "Beer is good."
Cosima looks at her like she's trying to figure out some sort of science-y puzzle but then just shakes her head a bit. "No thanks," she says, sinking into one of the armchairs. "Not yet."
Sarah takes a seat on the couch. "Okay, so. What happened?"
She takes a deep breath and exhales slowly. "Um… well, first of all—"
"You shagged Delphine even though I told you not to."
Cosima nods once. "Yes," she says, her tone laced with guilt.
"Sarah, be nice!" Alison scolds, then gives Cosima a sympathetic smile. "I'm sure you two were a lovely couple, and I'm sorry things didn't work out."
"She's my monitor, Alison," Cosima replies, and Sarah's never seen her this frustrated. "Well, maybe she's not; we don't know for sure yet—but she's definitely been feeding information to Leekie."
Alison blinks. "Oh," she says, taking another swig from her bottle. "Well in that case, I think she's a bitch and you have poor taste in women."
Cosima glances over her shoulder. "Felix, I'll take that drink now."
"Coming right up," he says with a flourish, flinging open the cabinet doors. He freezes, and after a moment he whips around. "What the bloody hell did you do to my booze?" he demands, eyes on Alison.
"I arranged the bottles in alphabetical order by brand." She tips her head back as she downs the last few drops of her drink. "Can I have another beer, please?" she asks, holding out the empty bottle.
Felix turns back to his liquor collection and starts pushing bottles aside. "Just as soon as I find my Seagram's 7, love," he grumbles as pleasantly as possible.
"It's right next to the Skyy."
"Oh, of course it is. But see, that's completely unhelpful, because I have no bloody clue where you've put the Skyy…"
"It's next to the Tanqueray—"
"WHICH IS LOST IN THE BLOODY TENTH CIRCLE OF HELL OR SOMETHING—"
"Oi, can we get back to the bigger issue here?" Sarah interrupts, taking Alison's empty bottle and setting it down hard on the coffee table.
"There is no bigger issue than me not having alcohol right now," Cosima replies. "If you can't find anything good just give me a fucking beer."
"Poor taste in women and poor manners," Felix sighs, "Whatever will we do with you?"
Cosima clenches her jaw for a moment but then smiles at him. "Felix, sweetie. Can you please give me a fucking beer?"
"Now that's more like it," he says, finally seizing a bottle of whiskey from the cupboard with one hand and getting two more beers with the other. "Your appetizer," he says as he gives one to Cosima, "And your entrée," he continues, giving the other to Alison. He points to Cosima. "Finish that as quickly as you possibly can without puking on the rug. I'm making you a real drink."
"God bless you," Cosima replies before downing a few long gulps.
"Don't let the Pope hear you say that," he says with a wink, then glances at Sarah. "You want anything, love?"
She looks from Alison to Cosima and back to Felix. "Just this once, I think it's best if someone stays sober."
"Fair enough, 'specially now that this one knows life's got more to offer than shitty wine." He nods his head at Alison, who's carefully examining the label on her bottle. "First she rearranged the booze, now she's gonna drink it all." He glances around the apartment. "Seriously, did you leave no stone unturned? It's like that scene in Finding Nemo when they all wake up and find out the tank's been cleaned. I liked my filth."
Cosima and Alison both look at him. "You've seen Finding Nemo?" they ask in unison.
He crosses his arms defensively. "Of course I have, Pixar's bloody flawless." They're still staring at him. "Honestly, you prats, just because I'm not from America doesn't mean I came from the bloody moon."
"Christ, can we please talk about the Delphine thing?" Sarah asks.
Cosima takes another quick gulp of beer. "Yes, right. Um. All I know is she gave Leekie all of our names. Just names. That's it."
"Yeah. I'm sure."
There's a weight to her answer and Sarah leans forward. "What aren't you telling me? Did she say something else to him?"
Cosima looks down and shakes her head. "It's not even necessarily a bad thing, it's… it's something she didn't say."
"What d'you mean?"
She chews her bottom lip. "She didn't mention Kira to him."
Sarah's insides freeze. "How does she even know about Kira in the first place?"
"I will take that," Felix interrupts, grabbing Cosima's not-quite-finished beer and replacing it with a mixed drink. "Bottoms up."
Cosima tips it back and takes a long sip. "Oh yeah," she groans, "That's good stuff."
Sarah snaps her fingers a few times. "Come on. Less booze, more answers, yeah?"
"Right. Um," she begins, then takes another sip, "I have this flow chart with all of our names—at least, the three of us and then the others we know of—and I added Kira to the chart. She stems from you."
"'scuse me, Felix," Alison pipes up, "May I please have another beer?"
He takes both empty bottles. "No, you may not."
"Oh," she sighs, disappointed. "Can I have some wine, then?"
"I might murder you lot before anyone else gets the chance," he mutters, then louder: "Nobody gets another drop of booze until Felix has a drink." He returns to the cupboard and begins to search through the bottles again.
"Why do you have her name written down at all?" Sarah demands, and Cosima focuses on her again. "She's got nothing to do with any of this."
"We don't know that, and I like to be thorough."
"Yeah," Sarah mutters, "And apparently so does Delphine."
"Look, I'm sorry, okay? I messed up. Now I know not to trust incredibly sexy French girls with perfect grades and perfect eyes and perfect hair—"
"Alright, I am so done with this topic—"
"Karaoke!" Alison blurts from her chair, her eyes bright with excitement.
"Gazuntite," Felix replies as he mixes a drink for himself.
She shakes her head. "No, guys! We should sing some karaoke! Cosima, I know the best song to help you get over Darlene—"
"Yes, her. You, my friend, need to belt out some Kelly Clarkson."
Cosima, Sarah, and Felix all reply "No" in unison.
She pouts. "You guys are no fun."
Felix swirls the drink around in his glass. "Is it really the best idea to insult the bartender?"
"No," she replies, her tone hushed and dead serious, like she's just learned an important secret. "Probably not."
"That's what I thought." He hands her another beer. "A gold star for the quick learner." As he turns to walk away she grabs his arm and pulls him down into the chair with her. "What on earth—"
"Felix, you're a really nice person," Alison says, her words beginning to slur. "You know? Like, if you weren't such an a-hole to people all the time, everyone would realize that you're actually really, really nice." She curls up against him and takes another sip of beer.
Felix looks at Sarah. "Help me," he hisses.
"Not a chance," she replies, shaking her head.
He rolls his eyes and downs his entire drink in one go, then grabs Alison's beer and takes a long sip. "Sharesies, yeah?" he says as he gives the bottle back to her.
"Oi!" she says loudly, mimicking his accent.
He pinches the bridge of his nose with his thumb and index finger. "That's not what that means, love."
Suddenly she tilts her head up and kisses him on the lips; he wrenches his mouth away and wipes his face with the back of his sleeve.
"Alison," he says slowly, "I have sex with men, and you have the worst gaydar of anyone I've ever met."
"But there's gay gay, and then there's happy gay." Her tone is matter-of-fact and bounces up at her emphasized words.
"True, but I'm not happy right now. I'm rather uncomfortable, really. I'm an uncomfortable homosexual."
Alison huffs and crosses her arms. "You know"—she takes a drink of beer—"You're always telling me I'm so uptight and I need to live a little. But you know what? You're the one who's uptight," she says, pushing her finger against his chest. "Afraid of a little experimenting. Why is making out such big effing deal? GOD."
"You sure that was only beer you gave her, Fee?"
"Like, I wouldn't even do anything crazy," Alison continues without missing a beat, and she's almost drained her bottle at this point. "I don't want to objectify you sexually like I did to Chad."
Felix lets his head fall back against the top of the chair. "Jesus Christ."
"In the back of a minivan."
Cosima's eyes are wide. "So this is what I miss when I'm in Minnesota, huh?"
Alison nods. "I assaulted my neighbor, too. Aynesley. But only because she assaulted me first. And because we think she's my monitor. She's a nosey bitch." She glances at Cosima. "I could assault Daphne, if you wanted."
"Her name is Delphine—"
"Who gives a shit what her name is?" Felix interrupts, "You're through with her. Now let's all get as drunk as Martha Stuart over here."
Alison perks up mid-sip. "That's me," she tells Cosima, who nods slowly.
"I presumed as much."
"Yeah, you tend to presume a lot," Sarah says, gritting her teeth. "Do you have any idea what you've done, trusting Delphine like that? Just because she didn't tell Leekie about Kira this time doesn't mean she won't ever." She pushes down the lump in her throat. "And if she does—if Leekie goes after Kira—it's all on you."
Cosima nods, gaze in her lap as she fiddles with the rim of her drink. "I know."
There's a few beats of silence before a soft snoring fills the room; they both glance at Felix, who's looking down in horror at Alison passed out cold with her head on his shoulder.
He takes a deep breath through his nose and lets it out slowly. "Have we sufficiently comforted you?" he asks Cosima, his tone daring her to say no.
She nods. "Oh, definitely," she replies, and her tone is only a little sarcastic.
Felix takes the bottle from Alison a second time; he tilts his head back and opens his mouth, then tips the bottle upside-down and lets the last of its contents dribble out. He swallows and holds up the bottle victoriously. "Cheers."