TITLE: The Drink

AUTHOR: Layton Colt

EMAIL: laytoncolt@hotmail.com

CATEGORY: Challenge Response (#179, #184, #213)/Attempted Humor


SEASON / SEQUEL: Any, I think, as long as it's before Daniel leaves.


CONTENT WARNINGS: Alien alcohol, insanity, and lollipop soup. SUMMARY: SG-1 rob a Mac Frugal's in a desperate attempt to find Teal'c some beanie babies.

STATUS: Complete

DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. We have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the authors.

Authors Notes: I wanted to write a really crazy story and decided I needed a little help. So I went through some of the challenges and picked out some of the craziest one's I could find. I'm not sure how well it worked out though. I may be too serious to write this kind of story. Even with all the crazy statements I'm afraid my story might still not be funny. AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is a stupid stupid story that I wrote in response to three separate Heliopolis challenges. And like I said this is stupid. But it's supposed to be. It's also supposed to be funny . . . but I'm not so sure about that. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Challenge #184

I'd like to see a story that has: 1. A pack of angry squirrels.

2. Daniel on the rooftop with rollerblades on his feet.

3. The phrase, "Oh curses, I thought I was safe disguised as Attila the Hun."

4. A lollipop.

5. SWAT team Submitted by Erika Challenge #179

I like really funny stories, here are some things I would like to see: 1. Jack teaching Teal'c to sing "home on the range."

2. The phrase "may the lollipops of happiness fly up your nose."

3. Sam's shampoo turning her hair green.

4. Sam discovering Daniel has a tattoo.

5. Foam lightsabres, kung-fu movies, beanie babies, rats, and a reference to Elvis. Submitted by Terri-Lee Brown Challenge #213

Ok here goes, this is the first challenge I've posted... Create a story using three or more of the following: 1. Someone other than Jack calls Daniel "Space Monkey."

2. Sam gets a nickname [you know, like Daniel's is Dannyboy].

3. Listening to music.

4. Jack with no sarcasm.

5. Someone besides Jack and the AU versions of Sam saying "For Crying Out Loud."

6. A yellow beanbag.

7. Teal'C is afraid of something. Submitted by Morpheus


The Drink

by Layton Colt ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Have you ever been told, "Someday you'll look back on this and laugh?"

I've been told that countless times today, you see it's my first day back since what me and my team have dubbed, 'The Monday from Hell'.

Looking back on the day, I feel only disbelief. Certainly not the urge to laugh.

It just seems so unreal.

Of course, Teal'c, Daniel, and Sam are just as embarrassed about the whole thing as I am. But it wasn't our fault. It wasn't.

How were we to know that drink the chieftain offered us would cause us to go temporarily insane?

Well, maybe I should start at the beginning, we'd just gotten back from off world, where we had 'the drink' and we weren't being affected yet so when we went to Doc Frasier we got a clean bill of health. We then packed into my car to go to my place like we do every time we get off from a big mission.

That was around when things began to come unglued.

~~~Sunday Night~~~

We arrived at my place and Sam and Daniel collapsed on the couch, fighting over the remote. Teal'c just watched them and lowered himself regally into the lounge chair.

I grabbed three beers and went to join them, tossing a beer to Sam and Daniel I pulled the remote from the hands of my rather smug looking 2IC. She gave me a bitter look but hey, it was my house. My remote.

As I was flipping through the channels when something caught my eye, an old kung fu movie.

"Sir!" Sam cried. "You aren't really going to watch this are you?"

"I thought I was watching this, Carter."

For some reason Daniel found this hilarious and fell into hysterics.

We all just turned and looked at him as he tried to control himself. "Sorry," he says. "I was just thinking about how weird it would be if you gave up your sarcasm."

"What?" I asked.

"Well, you know it's just so unlikely," Daniel said. "The thought just came to me."

"I could give up sarcasm," I snap.

"Sure, Jack. I know that."

He didn't sound sincere and I started to get angry. I should have known something was wrong right then because I couldn't think up some snappy comeback. And that's *never* been a problem for me before.

But I couldn't think of something and just blurted out the first thing that came to mind, "Yea, well Elvis is your idol."

Yep. I defiantly should have figured out that there was something wrong with us. 'Elvis is your idol'? What the hell was that supposed to mean?

Daniel looked at me like he'd been slapped. I guess he doesn't like Elvis. "Fine. You want to play dirty?" he snapped. "How about this, I bet you can't go one whole day without saying something sarcastic."

I crossed my arms, "I'll take that bet."

Daniel looked far too smug, "Alright, then tomorrow you can't say one sarcastic thing. No making fun of people either. Not for the whole day. Or you have to. to pay me a million dollars."

A million dollars sounded a little steep but I thought 'what the hell' and held out my hand. "Deal, but if I do it, then you have to give me a million dollars." We shook on it.

It was almost midnight when we all drifted off. We slept like the dead not waking up until around ten the next day.

~~~The Monday from Hell~~~

I woke up to the sound of the shower going. Since Daniel and Teal'c were still out I guessed it was Carter.

I can't quite explain how I felt that morning. I'm not sure there is a way to. not in this language anyway, I'll have to remember to ask Daniel if there was a word in one of his twenty three languages to describe the euphoria that came over us.

I remember jumping up and running into the kitchen to make everyone breakfast. I pulled out a big silver pot and began to boil water.

Now this will sound strange so bear with me. I was under the influence of some alien substance. I went into the cupboard pulled out a package of lollipops and began to unwrap them, throwing them into the boiling water.

I can't be sure but I think I was trying to make lollipop soup.

It was at this point that a small yellow beanbag hit me in the head. I looked up to see Teal'c smiling at me. And quite frankly, it was terrifying.

It doesn't come natural to him, you know. smiling.

He walked over to me and I found myself backing up. "I want a beanie baby," he told me.

I wasn't exactly acting rational myself but the incongruity of this statement caught me off guard.

"Excuse me?"

"Cassandra has beanie babies. She says they give her happiness. I too would like to have a beanie baby."

"Ah, sure big guy," I patted him on the back. "We'll go get you some later alright?"

He nodded and walked back to the couch. When I turned around to check on my lollipop soup. Daniel was lifting the lid and looking inside.

Then he turned to me and said with absolute seriousness, "May the lollipops of happiness fly up your nose."

I just kind of looked at him, trying to figure out if I had heard correctly. I didn't have time to ask him to repeat himself however because Sam had finished her shower.

Why had I promised not to make any jokes or sarcastic remarks for the whole day?

There stood my gorgeous 2IC. Wearing one of my robes and still slightly wet. With bright green hair.

Yes, you heard me right. Her hair was green.

"Um, Sam." Daniel begins but Carter shut him up with a glare.

"My hair is green," she said with as much dignity as she could muster. "I noticed. Colonel, how long have you had that shampoo?"

I just shrugged. Trying to think happy thoughts. Trying not to open my mouth and say something that would put me out a million dollars.

Lucky for me, Daniel took my place as the resident jokester.

"Well, I guess from now on we'll have to call you Jade head."

I'm not sure why this was funny. But none of us could get a hold of ourselves. 'Jade Head'? Maybe Daniel meant it as an insult because of the marines being called jar heads, or maybe a side effect of that drink was just horrible insults I'm not sure.

But even Carter thought it was funny and would get mad if we called her anything other than 'Jade Head'. So it was official.

"So what are we going to do today?" Carter. I mean, Jade Head asked.

"Well," I responded. "We could just stay home on the range."

"Home on the range." Teal'c repeats. "This is not a range, O'Neill."

"Right, I know that Teal'c. It's from a song."

"A song, O'Neill?"

"Yea. it goes. um. home. home on the range! Were the mmm ahm and the antelope graze!"

"I do not believe you know this song in its entirety, O'Neill. Perhaps it would be best if you were to cease."

Since I wasn't particularly fond of the song and Teal'c was right, I didn't know all the words I agreed with him and went back to check on my lollipop soup.

Unfortunately I realized it wouldn't be edible. All the paper sticks had begun to dissolve and turned a perfectly good batch of lollipop soup in to paper gunk.

I turned off the oven and threw the lollipop soup in the garbage deciding I wasn't that hungry after all.

"O'Neill, did you not tell me that we would obtain some beanie babies."

Jade Head looks bewildered at this, "Beanie babies? Why do you want beanie babies?"

"I wish for them to bring me happiness," Teal'c explained.

Jade Head nodded, "Oh, yea, I've heard a good beanie baby can do that for you."

Seeing the yellow bean bag on the floor Jade Head picked it up and handed it to Teal'c. "Here ya go."

Teal'c eyed the bag skeptically, "This is not in the shape of one of your Earth animals."

Daniel looked up and leaned over the counter to get a better look at it. "A rat!"

"This is not a rat," Teal'c had said stoically.

Daniel shook his head and pointed behind Teal'c, "No, over there, there's a rat."

We all turned and look and sure enough there was a big fat rat sitting on my coffee table trying to fit its head into a beer bottle.

What happened next took place so fast I'm still not sure how he did it. But in the blink of an eye Teal'c was up on the kitchen counter hugging the wall, normally placid eyes wide with fear.

"Get it away from me!" he starts to chant.

The rest of us just eyed him warily, "It's just a rat," Daniel pointed out.

"It is evil," Teal'c protested. "I can tell. It wishes to devour my flesh and take my remains back to its offspring."

"No," I said. "I think he's just looking to get sloshed."

The rat now had its entire upper body stuffed into the beer bottle, his hind side sticking out, legs flailing about.

"Get rid of it!" Teal'c cried.

Daniel walked over to the creature and grabbed it by the tail. He lifted it up, beer bottle and all and gave him a shake. After the rat was freed from the bottle Daniel preceded to take him to my bedroom.

I watched as he set the rat down on my bed and then closed the door. "There ya go, Teal'c," he said. "You've got nothing to worry about now. He's just going to take a nap."

For some reason we accepted this. That's logical, isn't it? I mean, rats get tired too.

Teal'c came down from the counter and glared at us all. As though he were daring us to make fun of him. Well he didn't have to worry about me. No joke is worth a million dollars. I was keeping my insults to myself, thank you.

Deciding that the mood needed to be lightened a bit I went to my stereo. Of all things, Home on the Range began to blare from the speakers.

"O'Neill," Teal'c says. "I believe that this instrument can sing better than you."

Who can't?

Teal'c seemed to like the song now and began to sing along. My question was then answered. Teal'c couldn't sing better than me. Teal'c couldn't sing better than Cameron Diaz.

"Well what are we going to do?"

Jade Head looked thoughtful. "We could go rob a Mac Frugal's."

Well, it sounded like as good an idea as any. "Sure, why not?" I looked around to see if Teal'c and Daniel were up for it but I couldn't find Daniel anywhere.

"Where's Daniel?" I asked Jade Head.

"Oh, he went out to catch squirrels."


Jade Head nodded seriously, "Yes, he said that they're a menace to society and need to be stopped."

"Stopped from what?"

Jade Head shrugged, "From being a menace to society, I suppose."

Jade Head was logical as ever.

"Alright well let's go hold up Mac Frugal's."

Jade Head nodded, "Yes, we don't want to wait too long, it probably closes soon."

"It's 11:00. A.M." I told her.

"Oh, well, still we better get going."

I nodded and turned to Teal'c, "Coming big guy?" I asked.

"I have no wish to hold up a Mac Frugal."

"There'll be beanie babies."

He pondered this for a moment. "I will join you."

We headed out the front door just in time to see Daniel slamming shut the door to my shed.


"Yes, Jack?"

"What are you doing?"

"Oh, I was just locking up the squirrels I found. You should be grateful, Jack. You'd be appalled to know how many squirrels you have 'round these parts. You should really move."

"Maybe if I win the bet and get that million dollars," I told him. "We're going to hold up a Mac Frugal's, you game?"

He nods, "Sure, alright. I've always wanted to do that."

So we piled into my car again, in hindsight I realize that driving was probably not a good idea but it seemed alright while I was doing it.

We managed to get there with only one accident too, I was quite proud.

As soon as we enter the store Jade Head takes off with Daniel, leaving me alone with Teal'c.

"O'Neill, you will help me find the beanie babies,"

I sighed and started off, beanie babies. I never did understand the attraction.

The little critters weren't too hard to find. There was a whole wall of them, far as the eye could see.

Teal'c eyed them like they were the holy grail.

One beanie baby in particular caught my eye and an evil grin had spread across my face. The bet didn't include 'practical jokes', right?

Picking up the little bean filled toy I threw it to Teal'c's feet.

Teal'c looked down calmly and then screamed like a little girl and went running from the aisle. Yep, he really is scared of rats.

I picked the rat beanie baby up and placed it back on the shelf. As I started to exit the aisle though two gunman in ski masks blocked my way.

"Sir," one of them said.

At first I thought 'what polite robbers' but then I realized the voice belonged to my 2IC.

"Jade Head?" I asked uncertainly.

The gunman nodded and handed me a ski mask and a small pistol. On examination I realized that the pistol was actually just a squirt gun that had been spray painted black and hadn't quite dried yet.

My entire palm had turned black. "We found some spray paint," Daniel said. As though it wasn't obvious.

Then Daniel flew off, and I noticed he had on roller blades. He had seemed to be having a good time with them, too.

Well, I thought. Might as well put the mask on.

Now you see, here's the beauty of the magic potion we were given. It made us believe that what we were doing was perfectly okay.

Never once while planning to rob a Mac Frugal's did I ever think 'hey, wait a minute. isn't this illegal?'

Nope not once, I just put on the ski mask and took my little toy pistol and went off in search of something worth taking.

I soon found it. Foam lightsabres. I was so excited I didn't even notice all the people running and trying to get away from me. Setting down the water pistol I picked one of the lightsabres.

I held it up and looked at it. It was green. I had always wanted to use the green one.

"Hey! I want to play!"

Daniel sped by and grabbed up a red lightsabre. He turned around on the rollerblades, just barely avoiding falling and glared at me. "Luke! I am your father."

We were still in an intense battle when Teal'c and Jade Head found us.

Jade Head had removed her mask and was chewing bubble gum. "The police are on their way, I s'jest we getta on outta here before we's get busted."

It wasn't until this moment that I realized Jade Head was still in my bathrobe. Looking around I realized that we were all in our pajamas. "Uh, maybe we should find some clothes first."

"Yes," Teal'c agreed. "We should head to the apparel section."

"A good idea, Mr. Kade," Jade Head said with some kind of strange accent.

I don't know where Jade Head thought up the name Mr. Kade but I liked the sound of it. From then on, we called Teal'c, Mr. Kade.

So we headed off to apparel, of course we never reached it. You see it was October. And on our way to apparel we just happened to pass by the Halloween costumes.

Jade Head and Daniel both spotted the eye patch at the same time. Each grabbed a piece of it.

Jade Head growled at him, "You'd best hand over this here patch, boy."

The only explanation I can come up for Jade Head changing accents each time she spoke is that whatever we drank affected Jade Head most because she's the smallest.

Daniel didn't let go of the patch, "I saw it first you green haired freak!"

Jade Head growled again, "Give it to me you. you. squirrel thief!"

"For crying out loud."

We all froze. Then as one, Jade Head, Daniel and I all turned to look at Teal'c. "What did you just say?" I asked.

"Just give the Space Monkey the damn patch," Teal'c said. "He saw it first."

Jade Head, in a moment of shock let go of it.

Daniel smiled and placed on the patch. That was when we started to hear the sirens.

Jade Head looked at him angrily, but then smiled, "The patch probably suits you better anyway," she said smartly. "It goes with your tattoo."

The sirens now forgotten we all turned to look at Daniel "Tattoo?" I said.

"Uh, the police are coming," he said uneasily.

I stored the information for another time and looked around. I broke out into a smile when I saw an Attila the Hun suit? An Attila the Hun costume? Ah what the hell, I thought.

I quickly changed and Jade Head put on a cheap plastic Wonder Woman mask and Mr. Kade put on a ski mask. Then we all ran out, well, Mr. Kade, Jade Head and I ran. Daniel rolled.

We managed to sneak out and get back to the car before the police stormed the store.

As we pulled back into my driveway Jade Head rolled down the window and crawled out. Then started running in circles. The rest of us opened the doors and watched her.

Once she stopped she put the Wonder Woman mask on top her head and smiled at us, "I've got me a hankering for lollipop soup."

As we started back inside we heard a knocking sound. We all looked over to the shed just in time to see the door crash open and a pack of angry squirrels run out.

"Uh, oh," Daniel said as he took off on his roller skates. "I must get onto the roof to get away from the killer squirrels!" he called to us.

"Alright, well, we'll be inside if you need us," Jade Head called up to him.

"Okay," he called back and me, Mr. Kade and Jade Head went inside.

This was when it got really crazy. A SWAT team stormed my house. They came through the doors the windows, they completely surrounded us and everything.

"They've found us!" Jade Head cried. Picking up one of the foam lightsabres she started to swing it around. "You won't take me without a fight!"

"Oh curses, I thought I was safe disguised as Attila the Hun."

Alas even with our ingenious disguises we were tracked down. At least Jade Head was taken down without too much difficulty. Four SWAT members were able to pin her down before she caused too much trouble.


Needless to say it was pretty hectic, but thankfully the General was able to get the charges dropped. I think he told the police that we were all testing some military drug and not responsible for our actions.

But even if we were able to get off with the police, none of the SGC are going to let us live this down.

I haven't seen Daniel, Mr. Kade or Jade Head since we were let out on bail. We decided we needed some time apart to sort through what had happened. And we needed a couple days to rid ourselves of the world's worst hangover.

But now that we're back to work it's time to face them. I head to Daniel's office. It's an unspoken agreement to meet there after something goes wrong.

And things couldn't have gone more wrong.

As I suspected when I walked into the office my whole team was already present. Carter even had her blonde hair back, I guess I'll have to get out of the habit of calling her Jade Head.




"Hi guys."

We were quiet for awhile. None of us sure what to say. We remember every moment of our little misadventures. Every feeling.

"I'm sorry I put a rat on your bed," Daniel says abruptly, then he grimaces as he realized what he just said. "I mean."

"It's alright, Daniel. You weren't yourself. None of us were," I assure.


"About that tattoo." I begin and Daniel turned crimson.

Daniel lifted up the sleeve of his shirt, there was a small pyramid on his upper arm.

"It suits you," I said.

And we fell back into silence. This is unusual for us. Between myself, Carter and Daniel there's usually never an absence of things to say. So imagine my surprise when it was Teal'c who spoke up.

"I do not have a fear of rodents," he said.

"Of course not," we all said at once.

"I do not," he repeated.

"And I don't hate squirrels," Daniel chimed in. "I don't know what that was about."

"And I don't really eat lollipop soup and Carter doesn't really like green hair. Come on guys we were drunk. I mean totally sloshed. We've got nothing to be sorry for. Let's just forget it ever happened, deal?"

"Deal," they replied simultaneously.

"Good, now, let's get to work."

Carter nodded, "Yea, I have to get to my lab, I'll see you guys later, alright."

Teal'c nodded, "I must assist Major Ferretti with his hand to hand combat class."

"Yea, I should be going too." I turn to follow Teal'c and Carter from the office when I remember something. "Oh and Daniel,"


"You owe me a million bucks."

The End