Disclaimer: Don't own YGO, but I do own this pathetic mess of a fic.

Warnings: None - please don't take the thing seriously, though.

...And then some of you did.

Okay, I'll try again: This is meant to be a goofy sort of way of pointing out some of the major canon breaks, nothing more. However, because characters are meant to be IC, they may sound harsh at times. For instance, some of them might attack or sneer at popular shippings - many of which I ship myself. The point with those areas is not to bash a ship into next week, but just to point out some things some writers tend to miss with them. Puppyshipping, for instance, is a much more fun ship for me to read when Kaiba and Jou start out as canon personalities, which means that they loathe each other; then the writer must try to find some way of getting them to like each other.

Dear Fan Fiction Writers,

I hope you realize that the vast majority of things you have had your impostors attempt under my name are utterly unreasonable, even by my standards. I am Yami Bakura - Dark Bakura - and I hold to that name. I am pure darkness; I am the night, the shadowy thing under the bed that will leap out and eat you all up. I am a magnificent bastard, king of the deepest abyss, and woe to all who get in my way!

Here is a short list for you idiots of what I am definitely not:

- Female.

- A kitty.

- The Pharaoh's best buddy.

- Ryou Bakura's lover, secret or otherwise.

- Friendly.

- A drug addict.

- Kaiba's lover, secret or otherwise.

- A hybrid, a superhero, or a cupcake.

- Depressed/suicidal.

- Impatient or 'tsundere'.

- Marik Ishtar's lover, full stop.

- A short - tempered scrooge.

- Cute, regardless of how many bows you put in my host's hair.

Now, you may have noticed that several of the above items mentioned the word 'lover'. I would like to reiterate this: No matter what that annoying Little Person says, I am not in love, not with Yugi, not with my host, and least of all with that annoying Tomb Clan freak. I am far too busy for such trivialities; the only people I ever work with are people who have something useful. As soon as I have either earned or stolen that something (and to clarify for you derps, that does not mean 'virginity'), I'll be on my way. Yes, I may be a sex god in your eyes, but I really couldn't care less about other people, much less remove my shirt for their benefit. Are we clear on this?

No? Boo-hoo, we're moving on! I want to point out that my host is given a weekly allowance from his parents, with which he is able to buy food, pay rent, and go to the amazingly dull experience you call 'school'. He has more than enough to live on - yes, I'm getting to the point - and so neither he nor I need to go into slavery; which I suppose in your terms means 'get a job'. Even if I were to begin working for someone else, I have my pride to consider - so there is absolutely no way that you would find me pole dancing. So, stop writing that I work in a strip club, because I have absolutely no bloody need to! And whilst we're on that topic: I, for the record, do not enjoy stripping; nor will I go out of my way to have others strip for me. And I certainly do not strip them for no apparent reason!

And another thing: Whilst I must grudgingly admit that some of you are very creative with your methods of having me kill people, and have certainly given me more than a few ideas, I would like to say that half the ways you are so fond of describing are utterly unreasonable. For instance, I would never strap someone to a nuclear weapon, because (a) every freaking police officer in a hundred-mile radius would be on my tail in minutes, and (b) I am over three thousand years old, and my understanding of your pathetic technology is as such very limited. I also refrain from whipping people; I had more than enough of that back when I looked much sexier and only wore a loincloth, and the screams are too loud; again, I would risk being detected. To be honest, I would rather sentence someone to the eternal torture and embarrassment of being sealed inside a toy than slice their throats with a knife - and come to think of it, don't you think that if I preferred killing people over sealing their souls, I would have butchered all of my host's little buddies a long while ago? My translated name is 'Dark Bakura', not 'Axe Murderer Bakura'!

And while we're on the subject of names - why don't any of you use mine? Honestly, you morons stun me sometimes with your pathetically low intelligence, but this one takes the proverbial cake! 'Bakura' is my host's name, not mine. Please, stop associating me with that weak-willed dweeb of a host (honestly, someone as great and powerful as I should have gotten a gaming prodigy, at the very least!) Yes, 'Yami Bakura' is a bit of a mouthful; but it's just four extra letters. That's not very much. And for the record, 'Joe' is not a good substitute for my glorious name; even if you decide that I am my host's twin brother (which I am obviously not).

And that brings me to another important point: I do not intend to, nor will I ever, harm my host for fun. I took a freaking lightning bolt from a god for him, for Ra's sake, and if that's not good enough for you then I don't know what is! I agree that he can be a little annoying on occasion, but he's pretty damn useful to me at the moment. Why I ever would want to hurt him (unless it was part of a deal that would get me further in my quest to eliminate the Pharaoh, of course), I have no idea. And besides - if I were to attack myself and, say, break the body's leg, then how the hell would I be able to look serious in a duel whilst on crutches with my leg in one of your silly plaster casts?

Yours utterly insincerely,

Yami Bakura, Lord of Darkness, King of the World, ad infintum.

UAB (Unnecessary Author's Babble)

Addressed here:

- Yami Bakura is usually more sadistic in fanfiction than what he actually is in (manga at least) canon...

- ...or he's put in totally ridiculous situations...

- ...or he's depressed enough to commit suicide. Any of these three are pretty much the norm in his OOCness.

- He's actually pretty smart, smart enough not to mass murder or something unless he thinks he can get away with it.

- So many people insist on calling him Bakura, including myself on occasion. I can see the convenience in doing it, but I can't really see him approving of being called that.

- Ryou-abuse fics are pretty notorious around here. It actually takes a ton of logic to get around the problems with them; not that it can't be done, just that you kind of have to think a lot to negotiate them.

If there's any DM character you'd like to hear from next (as always, no Millennium World characters or anime - only characters, please), or any rant topic in particular you'd like to hear about, just tell me about that in a review, hmm?