Dear Fanfiction Writers,

Well, I suppose this is all very... cute. Yes, I think I'll call it cute - I'm almost flattered by the attention you bestow upon yours truly. Your stories are a little like the handmade cards the young ladies of Domino presented me with during my stay, I suppose...

...in that they're poorly made, and fall apart somewhere in the middle with the same garbled message no-one can ever quite seem to pen down. It's amazing how many of my half-friends you've managed to offend with such low-quality pieces, really; I was rather surprised to see people getting so angry and upset over what appeared to be mere fan-mail, and even more so after I received my own envelope and flicked through the contents. How on earth people could get angry about such obvious teenage fantasies is beyond me; but then again, I suppose I'm more used to fans than most.

Then, I realized that the majority of you were not exactly being flattering in your accounts of me.

Should I be offended by the fact that some of you have gone ahead and written me as a sex-crazed womanizer who, when I'm not taking on Tristan in all the wrong ways, am gunning for every last girl on the block? Absolutely, and I will be making a point of that later. But... Well, the fact of the matter is, when half of you can't even get my names right (it's Duke Devlin, not Duck Devil, and Ryuuji Otogi, not ican'ttypesoi'lljustbashmykeyboard, got it?), there's really no way I can take offense to the fanfics. It's not like I could even read half your stories, anyway - so bad was the grammar and so troubled the spelling.

(As an aside, here's a few hints:

- Words shouldn't always be capitalized - or if I'm going to speak your language, Words Shouldn't Always Be Capitalized, Because It Makes Reading Really Hard When You're Always Stopping Automatically And Losing Your Place.

- It's 'two', not '2' or 'too', it's 'you', not 'u' or 'yoo' or 'yu' or 'ewe', and I could go on for another six pages.

- Your humorless little 'author comments' are even less entertaining when they contain such gems of eloquence as 'stiup flmig da prehz', and appear smack-bang in the middle of the fic.

- On the above - if you wish to put your author comments up the top of the story, that is fine. A sixty-line script of something decidedly random happening is, by the way, not an author comment.

- There is such a thing as an Enter key. And also, such a thing as a comma, and a full stop. You just have to squint a little bit.)

Anyway, where was I - oh yes, I couldn't read half your stories. This, in hindsight, was a damn good thing - mostly because if I had read all of them, I think I may have gone insane. I mean, there's stories where I'm the bad guy (Can you believe it? Oh, wait, you probably wrote it) of sorts - but far from being anything awesome, I'm just this jealous lover - type who basically wants someone else's guy or girl off them. There's stories where I'm weak, naive, all the rest of it - in all honesty, I'm a nice guy, but not a weak guy. There's stories where I'm the ladies man, who appears to exist for the express purpose of giving the girls something to do whilst all the males go off and - ahem - shall we say, have a good time. There's stories where I appear to be nothing but a bizarre backing track of music, for reasons I can't even fathom.

And then, there's the angst fics - and please note that I moved to the next line there, because these are just... no. Look, I'd understand it if you gave a valid reason for my half-friends and friends all ditching me and taking all my money in the process, then found a logical reason for closing every job opportunity available so I would have no choice but to become a male prostitute. I'd be very angry about the awful plotline, sure, but there wouldn't be much I could do about it, so I'd probably get annoyed about it in this letter, and that would be that.

The thing is, quite a few of you people manage to neatly avoid any way of, you know, actually telling a story. It's as though all you want is to torture me for some odd reason - and my friends as well, I'll bet - yet you don't really want to waste any time doing so. Going along those lines, you then seem to decide it's all 'just because', and thus open with a lovely scene of yours truly as a drunk/prostitute/child being abused (yes, I have read that sort of thing, and it definitely wasn't pretty), spending maybe four lines describing how it all happened - and that's if the story's half-decent.

To add insult to injury - and this happened with practically every story I read, angsty or not - half the time you people can't even get my character right. As I said before, some of you have written me as 'a sex-crazed womanizer who, when I'm not taking on Tristan in all the wrong ways, am gunning for every last girl on the block', and I have major problems with that. I do in fact have some level of control, I do have dignity, and though I guess you people who view me as a laughing stock are going to try and make me fall flat on my face at every opportunity - excuse me for butting in, but I'm not a dumb jock. I'm refined, I'll have you know - so no street fights for me, hmm?

Signed,

Ryuuji Otogi, aka Duke Devlin.


UAB

Quick note - Otogi/Duke's here slightly more arrogant/dignified, as he was in the manga - in particular prior to his defeat by Yugi.

Addressed here:

- There's plenty of stuff about badfics mentioned - he gives some straight-up advice, but there's some subtler things such as the implication that a badly written fanfic won't really affect your readers much in whatever way you want them to be affected, the importance of telling a story and the OOCness that can result if you don't reason stuff out, things like that. I don't usually go into this sort of stuff, but Otogi seems like the type more likely to notice and point out writing flaws than, say, Jounouchi.

- Otogi cops just about every level of OOC jump I've mentioned in this series - most fics play him as weak a la Ryou, but he's been a bully/brute in some fics as well. He's been bashed, he's been shipped with guys and girls in roughly equal numbers, he's been abused by his dad and/or by other characters, he's been a joke character, he's been a hero character, he's been nothing but a name who gets ignored, so on and so forth. The only thing I don't think has really been done to him from what I've mentioned in DFFW is maybe randomly becoming psychopathic, but now that I've mentioned it, it may well happen.

- And then, Otogi gets one more cliche on top of all that - he's often portrayed as a womanizer, despite his semi-disinterest in his fangirls and near-fixation on Shizuka/Serenity (though there's arguments as to whether or not he was just doing that to tick off Honda/Tristan). This seems to happen to him more often than other characters, for some reason.

Heads up: The 'freaky fish guy' and the 'do you want this baby' guy are still in the cards, though of course suggestions are always welcome.

And don't forget - the guest replies to the last chapter (Honda's) are now on his chapter.