HISTORY 101

Jeff, Britta, Annie and Shirley sat at their usual table in study room F. The girls spoke amongst themselves as Jeff used his phone as an excuse to ignore them.

"Now that we're seniors, I've decided I'm going to do senioritis this year. Just hangin' out; blowin' off classes, pullin' pranks, not sayin' my Gs."

Shirley smiled and let slip an excited hum. "I'll join you."

"Or Jeff, or whoever," Annie replied.

"Not interested," Jeff said without removing his gaze from his phone's screen.

Troy and Abed gleefully walked into the room. "Troy and Abed back from summer," they said in perfect sync before taking their seats. Abed quickly became confused, glancing around the room. "Something's different," he said.

"We finally have a table without axe holes in it," Jeff answered.

"Our table fixed itself by magic!" Troy said. He then proceeded to start stroking the table and whispering to it.

"It's not that," Abed continued. "Everything has a different feel to it, different atmosphere. Like when a television show gets new showrunners or changes format."

"Sounds terrible," Jeff said, making no attempt to sound even the slightest bit interested.

"Exactly." Abed replied.

"Where's Pierce?" Troy asked.

He was met with confused looks from the rest of the study group, minus Abed.

"Who?" Jeff asked.

"Pierce. Old, wears glasses; shows strong racist tendencies but for some reason decided to sit between the two African American members of the group." Abed said.

Shirley and Troy make eye contact while she gave Abed a disapproving look.

"We have no idea who you're talking about. There is not – and has never been – another member of our group," Britta said in a worried tone.

No matter how hard he tried, Troy couldn't stop the nervous smile from growing on his face. "You're all just messing with us, right?"

"Are you boys feeling okay?" Shirley asked in a soft voice.

"This is just like that episode of Inspector Spacetime," said Abed.

"What's Inspector Spacetime?" asked Annie.

In what didn't even seem like a second, Troy had started crying, his hands resting on the top of his head. "This can't be happening to us! What is going on?"

Abed tried to comfort Troy while the rest of the study group exchanged guilty looks to each other. Britta subtly nodded to Troy and Abed, to which Jeff responded with a shake of the head to signal no. To his annoyance, Annie broke.

"Don't get upset, we were only joking. It was Jeff's idea."

"Hey!" Jeff said angrily.

"Oh thank you, Jesus. I don't think I could have lived in a world without that show," Troy said, looking up at the ceiling with his hand held together.

"Hey!" Pierce yelled, climbing up from behind the couch on the other side of the room. "What the hell was that?" he continued. "You don't show any hint of emotion when you thought I was gone, but your stupid, gay little show gets real tears! I take back my apology for breaking your toilet."

"You didn't apologise," Abed said.

"You've been using our toilet?" Annie asked in disgust.

Pierce made his way over to the table and sat down in his seat.

"How did you even get in our apartment? And what's wrong with your toilet?" Troy inquired.

"Please. It's toilets, plural." Pierce answered with a smug grin.

"That just makes it worse," Annie replied.

"Everyone shut up," Jeff said after his phone beeped. "We have to get going now."

"Why?" Britta asked.

"There's no time to explain, just come on."

"But I've only just sat down," Pierce groaned.

The study group walked briskly down the corridors of Greendale Community College, making sure to spread themselves out so that others couldn't pass them.

"I can't believe we're getting in this class," Troy said with pure joy.

"I can't believe there's a class called the history of ice cream," Britta added.

"I can't believe Jeff couldn't just explain that in the study room, it literally took seconds; there was plently of time," Abed said before taking a pause to think. "I guess it does make things more interesting than being in one location, but it's still a lazy tactic."

They stopped at their destination, a large pile up of students fighting to get into a class room.

Shirley looked cautious. "That's a lot of people, are you sure we're going to get in?"

"I've already reserved our seats. If there's an easy credit, we will be there. That's the Winger guarantee."

"Another one?" Troy asked.

Jeff lead the group forwards, pushing the other students out of the way and walking into the class. There they found seven empty seats and each claimed one. Annie sat next to Jeff and turned to him after putting her bag down.

"How did you do it?" she asked.

"Well, it turns out that our old pal, Leonard, has secretly been dating a twenty year old, and they've recently gotten engaged. Naturally, Leonard thinks she's only after his money, because let's face it, why else would anyone want to marry that? Anyway, I promised to be his lawyer in their inevitable divorce."

"I didn't even know Leonard had money," Britta said.

"He doesn't, that's why he needs me to cover him. But she doesn't know any of that."

"Wouldn't it be easier to just not get married? After all, it's a sacred and meaningful institution that shouldn't be entered into lightly," Shirley chirped.

"Give the guy a break, he's old and lonely," Jeff responded.

"I sure wouldn't like to be in that position," Pierce muttered to himself before a short nervous laugh escaped his mouth. For once he was pleased to find that the group had ignored him.

"Thanks for the seats, Leonard," Jeff said.

Surprised, Leonard turned to face the study group. "Oh, you're here already? I was going to warn you that it'd be wise to cover your seats with something before sitting down. I had to do some nasty stuff to make sure nobody took them." His words were met with disgusted looks and moans from the others.

The dean walked into the room holding some pink cards. "Yes alright, alright. Alright. Simmer dean, simmer dean."

Jeff leaned closer to Annie. "This can't be good, he's dressed as himself," he whispered.

"Apparently, Greendale's registration has been hacked," The dean said. He waited until some of the students had stopped grunting before continuing. "That's right. Someone hacked into the supply closet and counterfeited these history of ice cream cards." Annie gasped. "Whoever did this is very good. There is only one way to solve this. So, follow me tooooooooooooo." The dean walked out of the room, waving his hand to signal for the class to follow. All the while maintaining that long note.

He guided them down various hallways, still saying the elongated "to", only once stopping for breath.

Eventually they reached the cafeteria which was now littered with large foam obstacles, where the dean disappeared behind a curtain, still saying "to." Moments later he emerged wearing a costume, in a cart pulled by two bulky, handsome men. "The Hunger Deans!" he cheered. The students didn't share his enthusiasm, in fact they didn't look even slightly surprised.

"What a load of balls," Pierce said before looking around to see if any students were giving him an approving look. They weren't.

"Why did you call it The Hunger Deans?" Britta asked, looking around the room. "This place looks more like the set of the game show Gladiators."

The dean briefly looked puzzled before holding his hands in the air and smiling. "Welcome to the Gla-dean-ators," he said with the same level of excitement.

"Of course," Jeff said, rolling his eyes.

The dean continued. "There are twenty five tests of strength and agility. The winner of each one of those contests will be awarded a red rubber ball." Pierce smirked to himself. "No ball, no ice cream. These balls are impossible to counterfeit because each one has been marked with my distinct bite print," the dean said as he picked up one of the balls. He then gently bit into it and returned it to the others while Shirley flashed him a strange look.

"I'm out," she said.

"Yeah, no ice cream can be worth all this," Annie said.

"Or the easy credit," Britta added.

"Losers," Pierce said. "I'd do it, but I have an inner ear thing."

"We have to do this," Jeff said.

"Why?" Annie asked.

"I recently found out I need a history credit, this is the only history class now, if I don't get it now I'll have to stay here for an extra year."

"Sorry, this is too weird even for us. I'm going to find out why this place feels different," Abed said. He then walked away before anyone could react.

Troy smiled and rested his hand on Jeff's shoulder. "I don't know what's going on – something about a class – but I really want some ice cream now. Let's make it happen, buddy."

"Great," Jeff said with plenty of sarcasm.

"Well I'm afraid you two are on your own," Britta said.

"But we'll be watching for support," Annie said.

As the girls and Pierce headed over to the seats by Shirley's sandwich shop, Jeff and Troy joined the other contenders who had gathered around the dean.

"Gentlemen... and ladies, my first red ball is way up high. To touch my ball, first touch the sky!" The dean yelled, swinging his arm up to point at a ball in a small cage at the top of a pyramid structure.

Pierce turned to the girls. "This is gayer than Miami Vice." He was shocked when he saw that the students gave it their all, rushing and fighting to be the first to the top. "Hmm, they're going crazy for that ball," he said. "I want it," he exclaimed as he jumped from his seat and ran to the scene with a fierce look on his face.

"I hoped for once we could go a semester without something crazy going on," Britta said. Her sentence ended just in time for them to hear Pierces yell from the middle of the crowd.

"You touch that rope, you die!"

"This is Greendale, that is never going to happen," Shirley replied, ignoring the antics around her.

"I don't get how Jeff is going through with this. I mean look at it, violence, crazy sets and terrible puns. It'd be easier to take an online class or something," Annie said.

"Online class?" Jeff asked.

The girls turned around to see Jeff and Troy stood near them.

"Why aren't you over there doing... whatever that is?" Britta asked.

"We needed a break," Jeff answered. "How did I not think of doing an online class before?"

"You were probably too busy texting," Britta quipped.

"We should get back over there," Troy said.

"Screw that," Jeff replied.

"But what about ice cream?"

"I'll buy you one." These words were met with a large smile from Troy.

"Hey guys, look," Pierce said as he approached holding a red ball, his shirt ripped and a string of blood hanging from his lip. "I finally got one," he continued with a proud smile.

"We don't care about that any more," Jeff said.

Pierce looked at the ball, as if suddenly realising how stupid it was, before tossing it aside. "I've had it with trying to keep up with you people."

"Abed!" Troy yelled in a child-like sense of wonder as he ran to his friend who was approaching the group.

"Did you find your answers?" Annie asked.

"Yeah. Turns out it was just the new table. It was disappointing," Abed answered, the disappointment lost in his monotonous voice.

"We're going to get ice cream!" Troy said. "Afterwards do you want to go and make our wishes?"

"Sure," Abed answered.

"Can I join?" Britta asked.

"Why not?" Abed replied. "It's not like this day could get any worse."

Jeff was about to get into his car when the dean rushed over to him. "Jeffrey. Jeffrey, wait!" he yelled.

"What do you want?" Jeff asked, expressing his annoyance.

"I have had a horrible day, my Hunger Deans idea was Britta'd, one of the students was injured and is threatening to sue, and when I heard you needed a history credit, my day took a nosedive. But you'll be happy to know that we'll be offering a new history class, because I care

about you, and not because I found out that if we don't offer a real history class we'll lose

like forty thousand dollars in grant money," the dean said.

"Well, thank you... I guess."

Troy, Abed, Britta and Pierce stood by a fountain, Troy holding a large jar of pennies.

"I hate to break it to you but wishes aren't real. If you want something bad you have to work for it, or use a spell."

"All of our wishes come true. Last year, Troy wished we got Bin Laden and the Dorito taco," Abed said.

"Yeah, but Obama got credit for both," Troy added with disappointment.

"So you guys do this the first day of every year?" Britta asked.

"Yep, it became our school tradition," Abed answered.

"We always do the first one together, Pierce are you in?" Troy asked.

"No, I only put effort into things that count," Pierce mocked.

"Whatever, but you'll regret it."

Troy, Abed and Britta all took a penny from the jar and threw them into the fountain. They said their wishes out loud at the same time.

"I wish for a thousand wishes," Troy and Abed said.

"I wish for a great school year," Britta wished.

Troy and Abed both turned to look at Britta, slightly confused but also finding her misunderstanding adorable.

"A great school year? No the first wish is always for a thousand wishes," Troy informed her.

"Those are the rules," Abed added.

"But we have all these coins."

"Yeah, but the coins aren't the wishes," Troy said trying to hold back the laughter.

"Oh, I didn't know that."

Troy took another penny from the jar and threw it into the water. "I wish for Britta to have four hundred and ninety nine of my remaining wishes."

"Thank you," Britta said with a smile before throwing another coin in the fountain. "I wish to end all wars."

"That's another rule. No wishes containing the word all, there are guaranteed ironic consequences."

"I don't think anyone is gonna miss war."

"Uh, Star Wars, thumb wars, Storage Wars."

"Fine," Britta said as she stepped into the fountain, causing Troy to gasp in horror.

"You can't get in the fountain."

"I'm taking that penny back."

"I already told you, pennies aren't wishes. You can't flip a wish, that's ridiculous."

"Your rules are ridiculous."

"They're Abed's rules, and they're awesome," Troy said as he joined her in the water.

"So true," Abed said, watching from the side.

Britta took a penny and threw it out of the water. "Un-wish."

"You can't do that," Troy insisted.

"I just did. Un-wish," she said as she threw another coin to her feet. She continued to throw coins until Troy tried to stop her, before long the two were splashing and wrestling in the water. Britta then started to choke Troy.

"Why does this feel good?" he asked.