Chapter One – Hang The Rules

"Why have you asked me to come here, Doctor McCoy?" Spock asked, canting his head to the side as he sat across from the Chief Medical Officer in the hospital's canteen. He felt extremely out of place, all he'd wanted to do was to visit Jim, to check he was okay and to hold his lover once again in his arms. When Jim had died Spock had felt his world collapsing in on him, the anger and despair had been parallel, maybe even worse to what he'd felt when his mother had been killed but at least he'd been able to save Jim. Taking his aggression out on Kahn had felt utterly right before restraining him so that Doctor McCoy could use the super-human's blood to revive his Captain. The relief had been intense but short lived as his anxieties grew as more time had passed and Jim still hadn't awoken but now, now Jim was awake and he wanted to see him but before he'd been able to enter the man's room Dr. McCoy had accosted him and now he was sitting here, not drinking the coffee the Georgian man had bought him.

McCoy sighed as he rubbed the bridge of his nose, his ever present frown deepening and Spock continued to watch him, growing ever impatient, "Well Doctor?"

"He has retrograde amnesia," McCoy blurted. Spock was stunned, the doctor continued, "It means that he can't-"

"I know what it means," Spock said hollowly. Despair filled him, he tried to push it back, to gain control of all of the emotions that had been so close to surface ever since that day, but he couldn't. Anguish flowed through him and he looked away from McCoy, not wanting to be seen in such a vulnerable state.

Retrograde amnesia, most likely brought on by Jim's own death, rendered the patient incapable of recollecting events prior to the onset of the amnesia, otherwise known as long-term memory loss, the odds of his Captain recovering were so slim Spock didn't even care to work them out. Nausea rolled through him and Spock closed his eyes, taking five deep and grounding breathes. "Does Jim," he started before his voice cracked and he cleared his throat before starting again, "Does Jim remember anything at all?"

"Nothing. He can't even remember anything from his childhood, which considering his age is highly unusual," McCoy explained, patients of twenty-five or older normally remembered early childhood memories, but oh no, not Jim, he always had to throw a spanner in the works. This whole debacle was going to be hard on all of them, not only had they lost their Captain but they'd lost a friend and in Spock's case, the love of his life. "I know this is going to be hardest on you Spock but-"

"You cannot fathom just how hard this is on me, Doctor," he spoke emotionally, stunning McCoy into silence as their eyes met and he saw the wetness that came before tears shining in the Vulcan's eyes. The Doctor was convinced long ago that Mr. Spock didn't feel as strongly as full humans did but here was the proof he needed to know that he'd been wrong, the half-Vulcan looked a wreck as he wiped his eyes, furious at his display. McCoy reached out his hand to try and grasp Spock's arm, to offer him some kind of comfort for what he was about to tell him next but the commanding officer pulled his arms away, placing them on his lap under the table.

"When can I see him? Maybe I can help him regain his memory," Spock said in a firm voice, despite the emotions waging a war inside of him. Would Jim still be his Jim or would the amnesia have completely changed his personality, he didn't know but he just wanted to see him. To see with his own eyes that Jim was alright even if he didn't know who Spock was, it would be painful but he couldn't imagine it would be anywhere near as bad as when he'd watch his lover die in front of his eyes, completely helpless.

"That's the thing Spock," McCoy mumbled, looking down at the table and refusing the meet the Vulcan's eyes.

"What's the…thing?" Spock asked warily, glaring at the human across the table from him.

"You can't see him."

Bewilderment blossomed in Spock's head, allowing him to only growl, "Why?" unable, in his current state of mind, to work out the logical reasoning behind this.

McCoy leaned closer to him, lowering his voice as he said, "What we did, no matter the devastation we caused on the city, was still a classified mission. We are not allowed to tell him what happened or even-"

Cutting the doctor off Spock said anxiously, "There must be something in regulation-"

Interrupting, McCoy continued angrily, his voice still low, "The new board of directors have ruled that Jim go back to normal, everyday life. Honestly I think they're just trying to get him out of Starfleet's hair, since they're just taking into account all of the rules he broke and not the fact that he's the best Captain in the whole goddamned fleet! They're decommissioning the Enterprise and are assigning us all too different ships."

"But…they…" Spock floundered, his ears must have been deceiving him, they weren't going to rebuild the Enterprise? He couldn't understand it, that ship was his home and it contained his family. Going off on another ship wasn't an option. "How do you know this Doctor?" he asked, trying to find out as much information as he could so he could try and put an appeal in to Starfleet command.

McCoy gulped then, looking away from Spock nervously this time, "I was present at the meeting they held this morning about the issue."

"You told me Jim had just awakened when you hailed me earlier," Spock growled. Confusion, anger and loss coursed through him, he didn't know what to think, didn't know what to feel. There was too much emotion for him to push it away, it was overwhelming him, if only he could see Jim, then maybe he could work on controlling himself.

"Spock you gotta know that they ordered me not to tell you. I can't ignore something that comes from that high up. I'm sorry I couldn't tell you but…there's something else you have to kno-"

"Take me to see Jim now."

"You've gotta understand Spock-"

"Take me to see Jim now." Spock repeated more forcefully, resisting the urge to lean across the table to grab the man's throat, he contented himself with watching the Doctor's every move. There was something he wasn't being told.

"I can't Spock. He's gone, he was discharged a few hours a go," McCoy said in a low voice, his eyes pleading with Spock to understand but he didn't, he couldn't bring himself to understand. Without another word to the Doctor he took off running, as fast as he could through the hospital. He could hear McCoy shouting behind him, telling him to stop but he couldn't, he had to see for himself.

The elevator moved too slowly for him and he hopped about on the balls of his feet, his control now gone, completely shot. The doors opened and he took off running again, jumping around patients and doctor's alike, not caring whether he hit them or not. The door to Jim's room came closer and closer to him as he ran along the corridor, seemingly of endless length, behind him he heard McCoy shout his name again. The doctor must have followed Spock, taking a different elevator up to the floor.

Throwing the door open, Spock stopped, stunned for the second time that day. He stared at the empty bed, still not quite comprehending. "Jesus, Spock," McCoy panted as he entered the room behind the Vulcan, "What was that all about?"

"I had to see…" he whispered. He moved slowly towards the bed before slumping down onto it in a seated position, just yesterday Jim had lain here. Spock ran a shaking hand over the bed covers, he knew they would have been changed since Jim had left but that didn't stop him imagining that his lover had laid in these very ones. The last time he'd seen Jim he'd been here after all, unmoving but alive as Spock held his hand and talked to him about all of the possibilities they had lying ahead of them once he'd woken up.

Late evening light was slanting in through the windows, how long had it actually been since Jim had woken up? The past two weeks he had practically lived in this hospital and of course the only time he'd taken away from this place, to take stock of himself and to visit some of the crew, to let them know how there captain was doing…Jim had woken up. Now he was gone and Spock didn't know where.

"He was in perfect health when he woke up so they discharged him straight away, I didn't get any say in it," McCoy added, his tone bitter again, "He's been sent to half way house somewhere, to be introduced back into the world."

"Where has he been sent?" Spock asked, his voice deathly quiet as he continued to run his hand in slow circles over the soft sheets.

"I don't know, Spock, I'm sorry," the Doctor's voice was filled with emotion. Spock new it was selfish to not care, everyone on that ship had lost someone but he'd lost his best friend, his lover, his life partner. He those facst allowed him to be somewhat selfish considering the circumstances.

"I'm going to go and find him," Spock decided, standing up without any warning and striding towards the door. McCoy caught a hold of his shoulder, stopping the Vulcan. Spock threw the hand off but stayed still, waiting for the doctor to speak.

"We have been ordered, all of the crew, not to go looking for him. He's not to know he was ever a part of Starfleet just in case some morsel of classified information gets out. I don't like it Spock but you, a person who's always been so caught up on the rules, should be able to understand why they're doing this, even if you don't like it. Don't go looking for him otherwise you'll be kicked out of the fleet faster than you can say 'punch it, Mr. Sulu'" McCoy finished his little speech and looked intently at the Vulcan, watching the play of emotions on the usually masked face. Spock never showed his feelings, but now his face was a sea of them, anger, desire, concern, sentiment, even shame travelled across those hardened features.

Finally he turned to Doctor McCoy, a smile ghosting his lips. "Hang the rules," he said before walking purposefully out of the room, leaving the doctor standing stunned behind him.


A/N: I know this wasn't very long, the chapter's will get progressive longer trust me, this is the shortest chapter I think I've ever wrote! haha, I just wanted to put some feelers out with it, I know where this is going but I'm honestly not sure of all of the logistics behind it so hopefully we'll all travel on a journey together if people like it, lol, so yeah, give me some feed back if you want to, I'm all ears :) tumblr is 'losingmyangelgrace' and you know the rest ;) much love!