Title: Minority Report - The Remix

Disclaimer: It's kinda obvious that I don't own any of the original characters . they came from the wonderful Phillip K. Dick . or Steven Spielberg.

A/N: Due to the severe lack of Minority Report fics, I've decided to write my own, following the excellent example of Laura Fones who wrote "The Harrowing Tale of the Sexy Irish Beast, the Vaguely Homosexual Police Officer, and the Fight to Save the Ozone" [which you must go and read]. My remixed version of Minority Report will mainly be a sort of parody/spoof [cause I enjoy writing funny stuff more]. So, with this fic, I think that a separate section should be made for Minority Report, or else this will have to go under Miscellaneous Movies .

And don't get me wrong - I really love Minority Report, I think it's a good movie, I just feel like making fun of it.

EDIT: This is the second version of this chapter, I've just changed the layout so hopefully it's easier to read.

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The lights dim. It is the moment that everyone has been waiting for . the actual movie, not the stupid trailers or commercials.

But wait. There is a notice to turn your cell phone off.

The movie starts.

SHOTS OF MURKY SCENES AND PEOPLE

AUDIENCE:: What the -?!

Someone's CELL PHONE rings.

RANDOM PERSON:: Hello? Yeah, I'm watching Minority Report -

AUDIENCE:: Shut up!!

RANDOM PERSON:: Sorry.

INT. OF A NICE BIG BUILDING. THE YEAR IS 2054.

TOM:: Don't I look damn sexy, with the camera focusing on my butt all the way through?

AUDIENCE:: No. Get on with the show, I'm running out of popcorn.

TOM:: Has random conversation with equally random woman that could be pregnant or just really fat

RANDOM FAT/PREGNANT WOMAN:: So what about Nicole?

TOM:: Who?

RANDOM FAT/PREGNANT WOMAN:: Wow, that was fast.

AUDIENCE:: Does this have anything to do with Minority Report?!?!

TOM:: No.

AUDIENCE:: Huh? He heard us?

TOM:: No, I'm not gay.

QUEER GUY:: Dammit!!

QUEER GUY WALKS OUT OF THEATRE

INT. SHOT OF A DIFFERENT ROOM WITH SOMEONE CALLED JED, EATING SOMETHING.

JED:: We have an incoming Tom. I mean, John.

TOM. OR MAYBE IT'S JOHN:: What the hell is that supposed to mean?!

CUT TO INT. TEMPLE

AGATHA:: Murder . blub blub, choke, gag, drown.

WALLY:: Someone is gonna get killed in about 10 minutes!!

AGATHA:: And that's not me, cause somehow, even though I'm meant to be sleeping, I never drown in this funky swimming pool.

AUDIENCE:: Geebus, can we wait that long?

TOM:: Did you give Wally his medication?

JED:: Oops.

TOM:: Okay, where are the balls?

JED:: Oh, those balls. I was playing pool with them.

TOM:: Never mind, let's just crank up the music.

CLASSICAL MUSIC BEGINS AS TOM WEARS FUNKY GLOVES AND WAVES HIS ARMS MADLY.

TOM FANGIRL:: Wow, he's so deep and intelligent.

AUDIENCE:: That's what he wants you to think. And it's working.

TOM:: Okay, so we have two men, and a woman - and oh my god, someone gets murdered!!

AUDIENCE:: Is there someone remotely intelligent in this movie?!

COLIN:: Why, hello there.

TOM FANGIRLS:: Whoa! To think, I came here to see Tom, and now I've discovered sexy Colin!

COLIN:: Yes, I am rather sexy aren't I?

JED:: Stop drooling Tom. Get on with the waving of your arms.

TOM:: Sorry.

COLIN:: Gum?

CONVERTED COLIN FANGIRL:: Yes please.

TOM:: No, I'm on a diet.

COLIN:: No wonder you're so short.

TOM:: I'm 5"6 actually, which isn't that short so stop insulting my height.

COLIN:: Okay. Shorty.

TOM:: What was that?!

JED:: Dude, time horizon is 3 minutes!! Hurry up!!

TOM:: Oh, it's a lost case, we don't even know where they live.

JED:: Oh. Okay.

COLIN CHEWS GUM NOISILY. JED JUGGLES WITH THE "MISSING" BALLS.



3 MINUTES LATER CUT TO INT. OF UNKNOWN HOUSE

HOWARD MARKS:: Die bitch die!

SARA AND LOVER:: Nooooooo!! Where are the pre-crime cops?!?!

HOWARD MARKS:: Oh my god I killed someone. I'm going to turn myself in.

AUDIENCE:: Dude, this movie sucks.

STEVEN SPIELBERG WAVING HIS OSCAR:: Well my buddy here doesn't think so.

AUDIENCE:: Oooookay.

CUT TO INT. OF PRE-CRIME BUILDING

FLETCHER:: So these balls are really special, cause they're so shiny and the reason why they're so special is because they have these funny lines all over them, and some random writing. Now, the red are the victim and the brown is the killer . or is that the other way round?

COLIN:: Do you possess more than two brain cells?

FLETCHER:: Let me count .

COLIN:: So yes, isn't it a fundamental paradox if you stop the future?

JED/FLETCHER:: ???

TOM:: No.

COLIN:: You actually understood what I said?

FLETCHER THROWS BALL TO TOM, WHICH HE SOMEHOW CATCHES. TOM THROWS IT TO COLIN.

COLIN:: You're meant to roll it along the screen you idiot.

TOM:: I think I got the message through though - you caught the ball. Why?

COLIN:: If I didn't it would have hit me on the head and some lucky fangirl would have to resuscitate me.

COLIN FANGIRL:: Damn.

TOM:: But no - you caught it. The fact that you changed the future doesn't mean it wasn't going to happen.

COLIN:: That's deep man.

TOM:: Well, I do try.

COLIN:: Not hard enough though.

TOM:: Damn

AUDIENCE:: Yawn

COLIN:: Sorry. So anyway, can I go and say hi to them?

TOM:: Who the audience? No way buddy, we like to keep the actors and audience separate except when there's a premiere -

COLIN:: No, I mean the pre-cogs down there.

COLIN WAVES AT AGATHA WHO WAVES BACK.

TOM:: Oh. Okay. Sure.

COLIN:: Don't you need to see my warrant?

TOM:: It's just a piece of paper. C'mon, follow me.

AUDIENCE:: Is this the start of a beautiful relationship?

COLIN:: You wish.

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A/N: So, do your part for society and click the purple button down there. I'll still carry on writing anyway, cause I'm finding this kinda fun actually.