(After 5.03, Free to be you and me)


It had been a long year.

Sam sat on the floor, taking deep breaths. His back was wedged against the wall, and the moon was the only light shinning in his motel room. Sam held his breath for a moment and slowly let it out, his cell phone in his hands, which rested upon his drawn knees. He'd just moved from the town were hunters had attacked him in the bar. They'd nearly forced more demon blood down his throat, trying to force him into hunting again. More people were dead because of him. At least the bar girl had lived. He couldn't run anymore, but he had no where to go.

Sam had already lost everything.

He'd drunk demon blood. He'd forced Demons back to Hell. Dean rose from the dead. Dean was alive. Sam met angels. Real ones. They were amazing, and mostly assholes. They reminded him of Loki. Sam and Dean were hunting again, for such a short time. Sam was anchored, he had his brother back. He'd met Castiel, an odd, stern, and quirky angel. They lost a seal and then saved one. They'd met a prophet and Sam was so close again to killing Lilith. He thought about Loki then, when Lilith tried to seduce him, and he started thinking about calling the trickster. Because Sam would turn around and, for brief moments, remember all the things he'd said. All the things he'd said and done in desperation and anger. He often dwelt on Loki when the lights went out.

Sam had even called, after meeting his younger brother. Well, actually, it was just the ghoul that had taken Adam's form. He just... he wanted to apologize. Loki had loved him and Sam knew he'd said some harsh things. Sam told himself he couldn't go back to Loki. It... it would never work out. Now that Dean was alive, there really couldn't be anything... romantic. He couldn't tell Dean that he'd slept with the trickster. He couldn't love Loki. What they'd had was so short, it shouldn't have left him so hollow. Maybe calling Loki would help him not feel so guilty.

Loki didn't pick up the phone though. It just kept ringing. And ringing. Sam hung up after several minutes, deciding to try again later. Maybe Loki was busy. Yeah, that was it. Loki was probably busy. Never mind the fact Loki had never been too busy to pick up before.

Sam tried again, maybe a week later. He sat there uncomfortably, after his fight with Dean. After he was called a monster. Sam just... really needed to talk to Loki. Even if Loki just screamed at him and was still pissed at him, Sam felt it would be better than nothing. Because things were spinning out of control and Ruby's plan was twisting in an unexpected way. It all suddenly felt unstable and he sought out something to anchor him. Loki had been his anchor at some point.

But nothing was what Sam got. The phone started ringing and never stopped. It just... kept ringing. Ruby gave him a concerned 'you're acting weird' look and Sam slowly put the phone away, having been on the line for a good 20 minutes.

And then... Sam did it. He killed Lilith.

And then it all fell apart.

Sam's world just crumbled like a demolished building. The last seal broke. Ruby was killed. Lucifer walked the earth. Bobby was hospitalized. He found out he was Lucifer's vessel. The angels had helped start the apocalypse. Bobby lost his ability to walk. Dean left him. He'd lost Dean's trust and Dean drove away in the only home he'd ever known.

And who was the first person Sam tried to call? Loki

Sam wanted to tell Loki that he was right, that he shouldn't have picked Ruby. He wanted to say that he understood why Loki had been trying to stop him. Why it was so important that he leave Lilith and Dean alone. Because Loki had KNOWN something like this was going to happen. Sam didn't understand why Loki knew, but he did. And he'd been trying to ease Sam away from that path. That blood stained path. A stain so strong that Sam saw it on his skin where ever he looked.

But Loki never picked up his DAMN PHONE. Sam wanted to argue with Loki again. He wanted to yell at him for not telling him WHY he shouldn't kill Lilith. If he'd know that THIS would happen... If he had known then the choice would have been clear. If he'd known then he would have stabbed Ruby in the beginning of it all. If he'd known...

And after running away, working in a bar, needing to leave AGAIN. Sam found himself in that motel room, feeling alone and empty. Not even guilt filled the hole Sam felt. Sam curled his arms around his legs, clutching his phone tight. Because he'd just had a dream about Lucifer and Sam felt ill. Lucifer taunted Sam with Jess's image and Sam just wanted to talk to SOMEBODY. Anybody. He wanted to talk to Loki, but he feared that Loki wouldn't pick up again.

Sam pulled his phone close again, taking a deep breath as he stared at the contact he never erased. He wanted to tell Loki that he was sorry. He wanted to throw himself at Loki's feet and beg forgiveness for all the time he'd been gone. He wanted to see Max and rub the dog's ears again. He wanted Loki to smile at him and hold his hand. He wanted Loki to tell him he loved him and that he wasn't going anywhere. And he wanted to say he loved Loki too because the only time he'd felt so whole was when he'd been wrapped up with the trickster. He missed him so bad it hurt.

Sam took a deep breath and pressed the call button and held the phone to his ear. He hoped this time it would be different. It rang once. Twice. Three times. Five times. Ten times. Twenty times. Tears started pooling in Sam's eyes. Not again. Just pick up. Thirty times...

Sam took in a sharp breath. Was... Loki ignoring him? Had Loki washed his hands of him? Was this it? Was that his only chance? Had he really made the wrong call? He was unforgiven for eternity because he'd been so focused on Dean and revenge?

"Loki." He choked out, only hearing the buzzing of the phone, "Loki, please. I've made a terrible mistake... I'm an idiot. I... Oh God, what have I done?" Sam sobbed, lungs fighting for air between trying not to actually cry and choke, "Loki please, please pick up. Please. Please..." hot, wet pools of water ran down his cheeks, soaking his jeans as he started to break. Strong cries wracked his body and he dropped his phone on the floor; the call still trying to reach the other end of the line. He held his head, remembering how he screamed that he didn't need Loki How he didn't trust him. He remembered how much he'd really hurt Loki for the whole time that he'd known him. Sam realized he was wrong, "It's all wrong. Loki, please... Loki, please... I didn't mean..." He hiccuped because that was it, wasn't it. He'd meant every word. He'd meant every bitter, revenge filled string of words that poured out of his mouth. "Loki, please, come back?" His words trembled, "Loki. Please, come back." Was praying to a deity blasphemous? Did it work like when Dean prayed to Castiel? Could Loki hear him? Did gods forgive humans for making mistakes? "Loki, I'm sorry."

Apparently they didn't because the ringing never stopped.


This is not the end. This is only the beginning.

However this does concluded what happened between Sam and Gabriel(Loki) in my head-canon in their past. This past usually continues on in my other stories. It has many endings, which is why I can't really say it ends here. But this is the bulk of their painful beginning.

If you want an End-Verse ending (for real emotional masochists), go see my story "Bitter".

For canon continuation, it follows the series. Gabriel treats Sam bitterly in Changing Channels and sacrifices himself in Hammer of the Gods and he and Sam never reconcile. (Or of you refuse to believe Gabriel is dead like me, then he woke up after being brought back to life by God and has amnesia somewhere.)

And for all happy endings, I've written happy Sabriel stories, most of which have already skipped past the fact that Gabriel has agreed to give Sam a second chance and is working on forgiving him. And in getting back together they are stronger for it.

There might be a continuation on this fic after Changing Channels based on the forgiveness factor, but since I finished this story, I will return to my current madness which is Angel Baby (if you don't like Destiel mpreg then I don't suggest it). This fic was written in such a short time (What, like a month and a half?) in order to fill in the Sabriel gap that had to be explained in Angel Baby (Because this sort of pain just has to be told on its own). But this story covers a lot of my stories (most of which aren't posted yet).

So, thank you for reading. Please tell me what you thought. Send me questions. I have tissues for those who cried.

(I'm not sorry for this fic.)