AN: Had this idea forever ago; finally decided to put it to paper…er…LCD? Enjoy!
I pledge allegiance to the hunt of Draco Malfoy's copy write papers.
~The Burrow Backyard~
Draco couldn't for the life of him believe he was at the Weasel's hovel, and for Potty's engagement party to the Weaselette of all occasions. He knew he should have faked a headache when Hermione came bouncing over to him, invitation in hand. If only he was able to resist all that bouncing.
Hmmm, bouncing Granger…now there's a thought. Dammit, focus Draco! You cannot get hard at 'The Hovel'; it's unsanitary!
He looked on as Weasel number four or five distracted Granger while Weasel number five or four put worms in her hair. He would bet his wand that if he or Blaise did that to Pansy, she'd hand them their balls on a sterling silver serving dish. And if they did it at her engagement party, she'd be throwing them to her father's pet Acromantula…in pieces.
And not only was it bad enough he had to be here, but the sixth Weasel kept giving him, and his girlfriend, dirty looks. Dirty looks that made him look like he'd just been forced to suck old McGoogle's titties.
Gah! Bad mental picture!
And anyway, like it's my fault she left Weaselbee so she could have herself a taste of one of the finer things in life.
Draco smirked to himself as he watched his girlfriend saunter over to him.
"Having a good time love?"
Draco gave her a withering stare. "Why yes, in fact I am. I'm so glad we cancelled our dinner reservations at The Sensual Veela-which by the way took me nine months to get. Nine months Granger; do you realize you could have conceived and carried a baby to term in the amount of time it took me to get reservations? And you made me cancel them for a bloody barn-raising at The Hovel."
Hermione gave her boyfriend an exasperated look. "Really Draco, I've told you time and again; it's not 'The Hovel', it's 'The Burrow'. We are not at a barn raising, we are at an engagement party. My best friend's engagement party in fact. Now if you don't pipe down and be civil you'll be sleeping in the guest room tonight."
With a scowl, Draco finally relented, but not before getting in one last comment. "But Granger, The Sensual Veela!"
Hermione rolled her eyes and huffed. "Malfoy, get off your high horse! We can wait another nine months to get reservations, but Harry will only get engaged once. Now I mean it! Behave. And what kind of a deranged name is 'The Sensual Veela' anyway?"
Draco raised a brow. "Why don't you tell me Hermione? You're the one who practically raped me when I told you the name of the place."
Hermione scowled at him, cheeks tinged red. "I didn't rape you; I molested you. And point of fact, I was about to molest you anyway; you just happened to mention the name right before I did it."
The pair heard a choking noise behind them, and turned to see a snickering Fleur Weasley slapping her wine-sputtering husband on the back.
"Bloody hell Malfoy, what have you done to our dear, sweet, innocent Hermione? I remember a time when the twins would owl her naked magazine clippings from Hogsmead, because they could hear her mortified screams from the castle. It made their work day just a little bit brighter."
Draco shrugged. "Don't look at me. She was like this when I got her."
Bill scoffed, as Fleur burst into peals of laughter. "I'd burn down The Burrow before believing that Ronald-my dimwit brother- turned Hermione into the little minx I see before me."
Hermione giggled. "Well I suppose it is his doing in part. I would get so frustrated with him never doing anything right, or never being able to make me feel how I heard I was supposed to, that I started…reading."
Bill howled with laughter as Fleur slumped to the ground and Draco held in his chuckles.
"Well long story short. I started reading, became more well-versed than him than I already was, and became more aggressive. He didn't appreciate my aggression. Said he felt emasculated."
Bill and Draco shared a look and shook their heads as Bill spoke. "Any man with blood in his veins and a pumping heart will appreciate a woman who takes initiative if he's secure in his sexuality. Clearly Ron is missing either the blood, or the heart."
Draco chimed in. "Or he's confused about the strange tingling feeling he gets downstairs whenever he sees Potter."
They heard Harry's amused voice behind them. "Oh stuff it Malfoy!"
Draco turned to face him and shrugged. "I only speak the truth Potter."
They both turned as they heard a screech, only to find Ginny screaming at the caterer and florist simultaneously.
"I AM MARRYING HARRY JAMES POTTER! YOU CANNOT MESS UP THE WEDDING OF HARRY JAMES POTTER OR THE ENTIRE WIZARDING WORLD WILL HATE YOU FOR ETERNITY! I WILL PUT AN ADD IN THE PAPER TELLING EVERYONE THAT YOUR PATHETIC BUSINESSES RUINED THE GREAT BOY WHO LIVED, HARRY JAMES POTTER'S WEDDING!"
Taking in Harry's wince as he forced down his own Draco quirked a brow. "And truthfully…I have to wonder why they hell you're getting married to that. You're not that hopeless you know; you've got the whole Boy Who Lived thing going for you…Harry James Potter."
Harry sighed and flopped onto the grass. I have no idea anymore. She was fine until I proposed to her. It's like her engagement ring gives her license to act like a self-entitled little-OH! Hello Bill, I'm sorry I didn't see you there…."
Bill shrugged at Harry. "No worries Potter; I agree. She's turned into a girl version of twelve year old Malfoy. Charlie, the twins and Percy are in agreement too. Ronald however…"
They looked over as Ron stomped up to where Ginny was, and began yelling at them much the same as his sister still was.
Harry groaned. "If I hear my name one more time I am going to snap."
Hermione sat down next to him. "You know Harry, you shouldn't go through with it if you're already having second thoughts."
Harry groaned again. "I know, I know. But I love her and I'm sure she's just excited about the wedding. And this isn't the first time she's used my name to make a point-it's usually less…forceful-so…maybe she's just stressed out."
Hermione glared. "I'll tell you what stressed is. Stressed is three simultaneous cases of adult Dragon Pox to treat, all the while having a group of six teenagers with spines to regrow because they thought they'd go drunken roof hopping. And just as you get a routine going for that, finding out that the other 3 healers went home with colds, right as Dolores Umbridge of all people comes in demanding someone do something, about the bloody house elf sized bunions, on her rank feet. For the next ten hours, going through that, along with various cases coming in, amputations, unstoppable orgasms, two lust potion cases, and a woman with a penis growing out of her nether regions of all things, to name a few. And then, just as you're finally about to go home for the day after a fucking twenty-seven hour shift, a woman pregnant with quadruplets comes in with a fucking head coming out as she's being levitated through the door, when the obstetrician just went out for lunch FIVE MINUTES AGO!"
By this time, Hermione was practically breathing fire. "And you didn't see me screaming at the barista at the end of my then thirty hour shift, after the third time she messed up my order that I was the Draco Lucius Malfoy's girlfriend, and if she didn't get me my damn order I'd have the Draco Lucius Malfoy buy her out of business before she can bloody say DRACO LUCIUS MALFOY!"
Three jaws were on the floor as Draco simply smirked.
Just as they were all getting their bearings back, Ginny came stomping over. "Harry Potter, you cannot sit on the filthy ground! You will get your suit all dirty!"
Draco gave her a look that indicated he thought she was barmy. "The man paid for his own clothes-not to mention this entire party and every other that will occur after it. I think that entitles him to sitting wherever he wants Weaselette."
She turned on Harry. "Are you going to let him speak to me that way Harry?! And tell him he can't be calling the future wife the Boy Who Lived, Weaselette!"
Harry shrugged, not particularly bothered in the least. "You can defend yourself, clearly, if how were you were treating the poor staff was any indication. And the man still calls me Potty; what do you expect me to do about you? Would you rather be Pottyette?"
Ginny screamed in frustration. "OH, WOULD YOU GROW A BACKBONE!"
Harry sighed as Draco laid his head down in Hermione's lap. "Please. If Potty grew a backbone he'd dump your arse so fast you'd be left with nothing but your numbskull brother for company."
She practically growled at him. "What does that make you Malfoy? Hermione yells at you all the time!"
Before Hermione could refute that claim Draco gave Ginny a bored look. "Granger has the decorum, class, and poise of a lady –which you severely lack. And when she yells at me it's about actual facts with an actual basis that we actually rather enjoy sharing arguments over. She doesn't treat me like an invalid."
Ginny screamed her frustration and turned on her heel, stomping off.
"Bloody hell Potter; how good does the sex have to be for you to be putting up with that?!"
Harry groaned and slouched against the tree.
~The Burrow Den~
Draco looked around in abject disgust as he whispered to Hermione. "This is the most nauseatingly flagrant display of wealth that I have ever been witness to. And I'm the son of Narcissa Malfoy; do you realize how wrong that is?!"
Hermione whispered back with a snort. "You're not the only one. The only people that believe this is appropriate decoration are Ginny and Ron. Everyone else has said it gives them a headache, even the decorator. And he's getting paid to do this!"
Draco looked around at the yawning Weasleys. "What is Weaselette going on about? Merlin, does the woman ever shut up?"
Hermione sighed. "She's giving her toast."
"Toast to what? She's the bride; we should be toasting her!"
Percy coughed from behind them. "I believe she's doing a well enough job of that on her own Malfoy."
"Bloody…you mean all this time she's been toasting herself? Not even Potter?! She's been yapping for the upwards of twenty minutes!"
Soon everyone had gone around making speeches about how great the bride and groom, but mostly the bride were. Apparently having a speech was a requirement specified on the invitation. Harry had not been privy to that decision and he found it incredibly embarrassing hat Ginny would demand speeches.
It finally came time for Draco's turn.
He raised his glass. "Well I have to say, after what I've seen the last few hours I believe the Dudley's owe Potter a lifetime's worth of therapy bills. What Granger? That's his cousin? Oh pardon me, the Dursleys. The Dursleys have clearly bestowed upon Potter the penchant for pain he has today. Only a sadomasochist would endure the abuse I've seen dished out today by Ginerva-who I will only this one time refer to by name. I toast Potter to having many-because let's face it…fertility genes are against him- red-headed babies who will hopefully have his personality. Merlin, never thought I'd wish Potter's personality on children, but there you have it! In conclusion, I'd like to apologize to Potter for all antagonizing I have done over the years pertaining to his upbringing. Clearly it was more scarring than mine was, and so I apologize. Cheers!"
Draco through back his glass as the majority of the room burst into laughter.
Ginny looked ready to rip Draco's hair out.
Ron pated her on the back as he smirked. "Don't worry Gin. I don't blame Malfoy for being in a bad mood; I remember how it was. Hermione wouldn't put out if you paid her. Poor bloke's probably got blisters on his hand by now. Either that or he took my route and has a little something on the side."
A hush fell over the crowd as everyone turned to glare at Ron, except an embarrassed Hermione.
Molly took a step forward to give him an earful, but Draco spoke first. "I would hope she doesn't put out for money. Especially anything you'd give her; you couldn't afford the sleaziest whore in Knockturn Alley. And don't lie; I have friends down there who've seen you trying to strike deals with women."
Hermione smiled slightly but she was still too embarrassed to look at anything but her feet.
Ron scoffed. "Oh come off it Malfoy! I know she won't shag anyone; some rot about waiting for marriage. There's no bloody way you got into Ms. Iron Knickers."
Molly turned bright red in anger. "Ronald, really! If Hermione wishes to behave as a proper lady, then why in the name of Merlin should any man have a problem with that?!"
Draco nodded. "Yes, that is a good question. Why would I have a problem with that?"
Ron snorted. "You're kidding me right? You, the Slytherin Sex God, going celibate for, what's it been now? A year and a half."
Draco rolled his eyes. "I'm not the man-whore you seem to think I am Weasley. And while I may have been a bit…promiscuous in my younger years, I do plan to settle down sometime in the near future."
Ron smirked. "And you have so many practice dummies you'd already had a go with to settle down with. As if this one is ever settling down; you won't find a wizard today who'll marry a witch before sleeping with her."
Draco raised a brow. "You're looking at him."
Ron glared. "What the bloody hell does that mean."
Draco rolled his eyes. "It means Weasel that I could never in my life think of settling down with any of the slags I shagged back in the day. Why on earth would I marry a witch who would willingly spread her legs in the name of money, power, and Malfoy? I'd never be guaranteed her faithfulness if someone richer came along. Only a properly brought up lady is Malfoy wife material."
Hermione was ready to burst into a whole different set of tears at Draco's words. She remembered back when they first started dating; she had pushed Draco off of her the first time they started getting hot and heavy in her flat. Turning worried eyes to her he had asked if he did something wrong. Hermione timidly told him that she wished to remain a virgin until her wedding night, and she understood if he wanted to end things with her. He looked at her like she was an idiot, told her she was crazy, gave her a thorough kissing, and bid her goodnight saying he expected her up and dressed by nine tomorrow morning for their next date.
Hermione had been in shock, and had spent most of the night wondering how and why, Draco Malfoy of all people had no problem remaining celibate for the duration of their relationship. Suffice to say she was late the next morning, not that Draco minded.
And she had always wondered, why, never once after that night had he ever even mentioned anything beyond the realm of kissing, or tried to persuade her.
Now she knew.
He considers me marriage material…
She snapped her attention back to the quickly reddening Weasley at hand.
Ron growled. "Yes, I'm sure mummy and daddy Malfoy are overjoyed at the prospect of a Mudblood daughter-in-law."
There were various gasps of "Ron," and "Ronald" across the room, but Draco's gaze didn't falter.
"My parents, and even our ancestral portraits, are much more agreeable to the prospect of a bride of supposed 'impure blood' than they are to once of impure virtue, lack of morals, and lack of self-respect. A Malfoy must respect himself or herself above all else. That includes blood status. Besides, it's not as if they have much choice in the matter; there is not one virgin pureblood girl left in Britain that will be legal for me to marry anytime within the next seven years."
Molly eyed Ginny, as Ron sneered. "And how can you be so certain there's no others left Malfoy? Have you shagged all of them?"
Draco rolled his eyes as he looked down at the dreamy expression on Hermione's face. Funny, she hadn't said a word since he'd said he—considered her marriage material! Fuck!
Deciding to deal with his dazed girlfriend later, he turned back to Ron with a bored sigh. "Generations ago the Malfoy family had a magically woven tapestry made updating the names and ages of every witch to ever step foot in the magical world, her blood status, and her status of virtue. It uses an ancient magic, tied in to the Malfoy ancestral home's magic. It's a magic that has since been lost to the world, but it is absolutely incapable of being led astray by falsities."
Molly saw red. "GINERVA MOLLY WEASLEY, WHAT DOES HE MEAN YOU'RE NOT A VIRGIN?!"
Ginny started to stutter as Molly turned to Harry. But before she could get a word in edgewise, he spoke. "Oh no. No way in hell is this one getting pinned on me. Ginerva told me that she was a virgin, and wanted to remain as such until our wedding night, just like Hermione!"
Draco snorted, ignoring the rapidly reddening Weasley matriarch. "Weaselette? Please. Being the horny teenager I was I took a look at the tapestry every day during the summer to see if anything changed. And I can tell you that this one here hasn't been listed as a virgin since I came home from fourth year."
Molly paled. "But she was a third year when you were a fourth!"
Ginny finally found her voice. "How could you possibly remember me out of all the girls on the tapestry?!"
Draco gave her a look. "I remember, because I was so incredibly horrified that you were not listed a virgin at thirteen. And my parents were pretty damn disgusted as well. Mother said it showed up sometime around Yule."
Harry looked at Ginny in revulsion. "I'm betting she was pissed that I was after Cho the whole time, and slept with someone to make herself feel better."
Ginny scowled at them. "It is not as big a deal as you're making it seem! Sex before marriage isn't as unheard of as you lot seem to think! Just look at Malfoy!"
Draco coked a brow. "Yes, just look at me. I was still a virgin for about a year after you were…not a year after the age you were…a year after you actually lost it. And I've never lied about my conquests to anyone. Whoever has been with me has been fully aware of my antics as a teenager."
Harry nodded. "Malfoy is absolutely one hundred percent correct Ginerva. It's not the act that was the problem. Even the age, I don't frankly care since it was before we got together. But I can't believe you lied to me over something so trivial!"
Ginny raged at him. "Trivial?! After the big fuss you all made about how Hermione was such a princess because she's waiting until marriage?! Of course I had to lie; I couldn't let you think less of me!"
Percy spoke up for the first time. "Well of course she sees nothing wrong with lying. She hasn't been losing out on getting any while Harry's been celibate."
There were several echoes of "what" as Ginny screeched after he older brother.
Percy shook his head at her. "I walked in on her and her…uhm…paramour six months ago. Ginny forced me into an unbreakable vow that I couldn't discuss the state of her virtue until everyone knew she wasn't a virgin. She meant for it to be after she and Harry had their wedding night. Grammatical faux-pas on her part, clearly."
Harry sighed. "You've been cheating on me. Can't say I'm surprised after all the revelations today. I think it's best if we call off our engagement Ginerva."
And with a warning to Ron to not come near him either, he apparated away on the spot.
Ginny fell to her knees as she stared at the spot Harry had just been.
Molly and her sons shook their heads in disappointment at Ginny. Even the twins were disappointed in her.
Draco finally turned to a stupidly grinning Hermione. "Granger? Are you alright?"
Giggling at him, she nodded.
He scowled. "Well don't expect your fucking ring right now! Just because Wesel made me ruin my proposal doesn't mean you get it right now. I'm not going to stoop to his probable level and throw the ring at you because you already know I plan to propose and there's no point in putting in any effort."
She laughed as she leaned up to peck his lips.
Ginny screamed as she pounded the ground. "MY ENGAGEMENT GETS CALLED OF AND SHE'S GOING TO GET A PROPOSAL?! IT'S NOT FAIR!"
Draco turned to her. "It seems that Potter knows what real marriage material is too. Maybe if you didn't throw a flaming tantrum every time you didn't get your way, your luck would change?"
He apparated himself and Hermione away as they both laughed at the scream she emitted once again.
~Hermione's Flat~~Living Room~
Hermione looked at the miserable man on her couch. "I had a feeling I'd find you here."
He mumbled at her.
Giving Draco a look, Hermione sat down next to Harry/
Draco walked into the kitchen, coming back with all the alcohol Hermione had in the house. With a quick peck to Hermione's cheek, and a comforting pat to Harry's shoulder, Draco apparated home, knowing Harry needed to let go with his best friend.
As soon as Draco popped out, the tears started to fall down Harry's face.
Neither noticed the house elf pop up in the corner, as she was instructed to. Her job was to keep an eye on Master's girlfriend and her friend to make sure that they didn't run out of alcohol for as long as they needed it.
~Two Years Later~
~Grimmauld Place Backyard~
Hermione giggled at Draco as she rested a hand on her distended belly. They had gotten married about a year ago, and she was expecting their first child.
Draco looked a right sight more than mildly harassed. "Two years Granger! Two years! It took me two years to get another reservation for The Sensual Veela and you make me cancel, again, for Potter's engagement party, again!"
Hermione rolled her eyes at her husband. "Please Draco. We can always wait another two years for another reservation, but Harry will only be getting engaged on—"
Harry stepped in with an arm around Pansy Parkinson's shoulders. "Don't even think about jinxing it this time Hermione. Don't even think about it."
Soon the (non-) obligatory toasts were made to the happy couple, as everyone sat down for refreshments
Looking down, Hermione took in her rapidly wetting dress. "Uhm…I think my water just broke."
At some point amidst the chaos, Pansy found time to hug Harry and whisper into his ear. "Just think, if this had happened at your and Weaselette's engagement party, she'd probably beat the woman in labour with breadsticks for ruining her party."
Harry smirked down at her. "Well then it's a good thing I took Malfoy's advice and lead, and found a witch who was marriage material."
Pansy smirked. "You bet your scar it is!"
They head Draco's distant scream for Pansy to get her "obstetrician arse over here; I see blond hair!"
Harry and Pansy ran into the kafuffle as she breathed at Harry. "I knew being an obstetrician would come back to bite me in the arse. It just figures this happens at my engagement party. I'm telling you, I will be in my wedding dress, doing this for Fleur Weasley eight months from now."
And eight months later, when she turned out to be right, Harry could do absolutely nothing but howl with laughter.
AN: Hey! Possibly the fastest thing I've ever managed to write! Only two days; yay me! Please read and review!