Nostro percorso sotto la luce
Capitolo 1. Il mio egoismo, la tua solitudine, le nostre lacrime
"Hey, Yamamoto? I think we should split up"
Everything grew silent all at once. The world around them seemed to suddenly come to a halt. The cicadas had stopped chirping. Yamamoto Takeshi stared at his silver-haired lover, as if he hadn't caught his last words. He swallowed the knot that was starting to form in his throat and managed to croak out a single word.
Gokudera wasn't even looking at him now, his face was turned away from him and his eyes were hidden by his silver bangs.
"I'm just sick of this. You're always so clingy and annoying! My duty is to protect the Tenth, and you're constantly getting in my way."
To be honest, Yamamoto didn't hear much past the 'sick' part. His legs felt wobbly and his knees were threatening to give in any moment. He knew he had to say something, move, scream, stop this somehow… but he couldn't. It was as if all the life had been sucked out of him. He couldn't even call out to Gokudera's retreating back, for no matter how much he strained his throat, no sound would come out of it.
It's for the best. It's for the best. It's for the best.
Gokudera Hayato repeated the words in his mind like a mantra, over and over and over, hoping to drown with them the sound of Yamamoto's sobs and ignoring the tears that had started to pool at the corners of his eyes.
Nobody heard or saw anything from Yamamoto for the following two weeks. The recently installed Japanese Branch of the Vongola had deployed a big amount of manpower and resources to find their missing Rain Guardian, but to no avail. And thus, when said Rain Guardian came walking through the door into Sawada Tsunayoshi's office as if nothing had happened, the young head of Vongola could do little more than jump out of his seat.
"Ya-Yamamoto-kun! Where've you been?! Everyone's been so worried about you!"
The former baseball player smiled sadly at him.
"Sorry, Tsuna, I didn't mean to trouble everyone. I just needed some time alone, you know? To sort things out."
He grabbed an item from inside his pocket, and with shaking fingers, laid it on top of Tsuna's desk. The Tenth Vongola looked up at him quizzically, his eyes asking the question his mouth wasn't: 'What is the meaning of this?'
"I'm quitting from Vongola. You'll have to choose a new Rain Guardian, so I'm giving this back." He explained, pushing the Vongola Necklace of the Rain towards the boss.
"Wha-what do you mean, you're quitting?" Tsuna asked, staring in horror at the item, not daring to touch it.
"It means I'm leaving. It's been fun and everything, but I think you need someone who's stronger and more serious about this. It's not a mafia game anymore, right?"
And without further explanation, he walked out of the room, biting his lip and leaving an outraged and confused Tsuna behind. He never thought giving up this part of his life would hurt so much. But this was the best, for everyone.
It almost seemed like a bad dream. Two weeks ago, he'd been about to ask Gokudera to move in together. He'd thought that, while Gokudera would react with his usual violent 'Why the fuck would I want to do that?' –well, they were still young and had just graduated from high school- he'd surely be able to convince him in the end. Not in his wildest nightmares would he have imagined that he'd ever be where he was now: walking out of Vongola, and Gokudera's life, once and for all. The thought alone made him feel weak in the knees again.
He was so focused on getting out of there as quick as possible that he didn't realize there was someone else dashing along the same hallway, until he bumped into the other person.
"Oi, watch where the fuck you… Yamamoto?"
Takeshi's throat went dry. He'd been trying to avoid Gokudera at all costs, why did he have to bump into him, of all people?
"The fuck are you doing here? I told you I didn't want to see you anymore!"
The brown-eyed man bit his lip and managed to force the words he had practiced out in case something like this happened:
"I know, I know, geez, Gokudera, I just came to resign my position, that's all! Don't worry, I won't show my face around this place again" Good, good, he even managed to force out a chuckle at the end. That was believable, right? He didn't sound like he was on the verge of tears, did he?
"Oh, that's good then. Work will be a lot easier now."
There was a long, awkward silence in which neither of them moved, nor looked up to meet each other's eyes. Finally, Yamamoto broke the silence, his hands tightened in fists.
"I gotta go, then. I… I've got a date… tonight" his voice cracked up at the end, so he decided to dash out of there, appearances be damned. It didn't even matter if Gokudera realized he was crying, it's not like they were going to see each other… again… ever.
As the realization dawned down on him, he stopped running, not ten feet away from the door to Vongola's HQ, and let the tears flow freely down his face, small whimpers escaping his throat.
"Good… g-good for you." Gokudera mumbled, even if Yamamoto was long gone.
"It's for the best. It's for the best" he recited as he locked himself back in his office and collapsed with his back against the door. "It's for the b-best" he sobbed, unable to hold back his tears.
"I'm sorry, Takeshi-kun, I can't keep doing this anymore", with downcast eyes, Yamamoto Sayuri placed a dark yellow envelope on the table. "You always look so miserable and I'm tired of trying my best to make you happy. I know your heart has never been into… whatever this was. You don't even look at me since Fuuko was born. And you have… that picture in your wallet" the woman's voice started to crack, "The details are in there. I… I'm sorry, I may look like the worst mother ever, but I want to have a clean start, pretend nothing of this happened. I… it was a mistake… thinking you would ever come to love me. I want a second chance I…" the young woman started breathing faster and her face grew paler.
"It's okay, Sayuri-chan. I understand. I know you deserve better. Don't worry about us, we'll figure" he forced a smile on his face, the one he had gotten used to for the past six years.
As his wife… no, ex-wife now, walked out of the house, Yamamoto Takeshi, now twenty-four years of age and barely a shadow of the cheerful and optimistic boy he used to be, wondered how his life had come to this. Six years ago, after wiping out his tears and making himself half presentable, he'd done exactly what he'd told Gokudera he would: he went on a date with some girl he knew from high school. He'd even tried to kiss her while he walked her home, but he ended up crying again instead. The girl, Shirakawa Sayuri, had been kind and understanding; she had comforted him and assured him it was okay, and that she would wait for him to be ready.
They went on a second date, and then Yamamoto managed to kiss her… only to cry himself to sleep once he reached his house. Yet somehow, Sayuri-chan would happily agree to date him time and time again, only for said dates to end with Yamamoto crying for whatever reason. And when he'd managed not to cry during or after the date, came the time when the natural progression of things said he should have sex with Sayuri-chan. Except that he couldn't get it up, no matter what. And so he started smoking. He knew it was sad, pathetic, and didn't help at all with his attempt at "moving on", but taking a long drag of one of those cigarettes that smelled just like Gokudera –well it was the brand he'd always smoked- made it seem like everything had been a bad dream and he was back to where he knew he belonged. The fantasy didn't last very long, but at least it helped putting Little Yamamoto to work, and that was enough for now.
Yamamoto would never understand why Sayuri-chan stuck with him for all those years. He was everything but a good boyfriend. He was always faking smiles during their dates, and didn't touch her unless it was absolutely necessary. He didn't buy her flowers or presents, unless social cues dictated he should, like in Christmas or White Day, and he barely said anything nice to her beyond "You look cute today too". He never wanted to hold hands, and had very little to talk to her about. He never took interest in anything she told him, and never said "I love you", no matter how many times she did. He was just "there" pretending to be happy, pretending to like her, pretending, all pretending. Sayuri-chan was always patient with him. It was almost as if she didn't expect anything from him. She didn't get mad for his lack of enthusiasm about their relationship; she never demanded he said "I love you". In fact, she never got angry with him. Not even that one time when Yamamoto called Gokudera's name during sex and then broke down in tears. He'd been surprised she hadn't slapped him and walked out of the room, never to come back again.
When Sayuri-chan told him she was pregnant, Yamamoto didn't know what to think. It was her who proposed to move in together and get married. Yamamoto accepted without thinking, hoping this new family life would be the cure to his unbearable pain. And it seemed to work. He felt like he was starting to like Sayuri-chan, little by little, while taking care of her. And when the baby was born, Yamamoto felt truly happy for the first time in nearly six years. It was love at first sight. His newly-born daughter was so cute, so innocent and so lovely, that Yamamoto's pain seemed to fade away when he was with her. But as much as he learned to love his daughter in a flash, he forgot he had to love his wife too. With Fuuko monopolizing all of his attention, Sayuri-chan started to distance herself from then. By the time she came home with the divorce papers, she had been sleeping in at a friend's house for almost two weeks.
Honestly, he had seen it coming. He was actually surprised it had lasted so long. And he was happy it had. He felt guilty for hurting Sayuri-chan so much, but she had given him a precious gift –Fuuko- and that was something he would never regret. He stepped into the room where his three-month-old daughter slept, quietly standing by the side of her crib.
"I'm sorry, Fuu-chan" he whispered, brushing the small tuft of black hair growing from her tiny head. "It's gonna be just the two of us from now on. I hope you can forgive me."
He took out his wallet and looked at the picture he had kept there. Maybe he had been unable to move on because he refused to let go of it. But, how could he have kept going up until now without Gokudera's smile? The task sounded just impossible.
Ne, Gokudera. Are you doing better than me? Are you smiling?
Gokudera Hayato wiped the blood off his forehead with his sleeve. Good thing he hadn't brought one of his nice suits today, or it would be ruined by now. He lit a final line of dynamites and threw them at the remaining enemies, hoping that at least one of them would survive long enough to be interrogated.
As he called for his squad to retreat and leave the cleaning up to the Rain and Cloud squads, he started feeling a little queasy. There was something strangely painful every time he took a step towards the exit. He took a peek at his left leg and groaned. "Not this shit again" as he watched the blood drip from the two bullet wounds right below his kneecap. He was lucky, if those bullets had hit any higher, he wouldn't be able to walk at all. Actually, on a closer self-inspection, he had another wound on his left side, probably a bullet that brushed past him, and a dislocated shoulder from some asshole who got too close and had to be beaten in a fistfight. He sighed.
Well, I've been worse.
"You're gonna get yourself killed at this rate, Hayato" Shamal grumbled in displeasure as he pulled the bullets out from his wounded leg. "I'm telling Sawada to keep you away from these missions until your leg gets better, you're not going to do a lot of running and jumping with this wound."
Gokudera fliched in pain "Don't fuck with me, I'm the Tenth's Right Hand, I can't just take a break for a little thing like this. I'll be fine, I've been worse before"
"Yeah… I don't care, I'm still telling Sawada. I'm sick of having to treat you all-the-damned-time. You're gonna make it up for me, I'm giving you a special service here and all you know how to do is get yourself hurt."
"Well, I'm sorry if I throw your hard work to the trash, but this is the mafia, not the kindergarten. People get hurt and killed all the time. It's part of the job."
Shamal glared at him, pinching him especially hard with the needle he was using to stitch up the gash on his left side. Gokudera flinched again and glared back. He was about to speak his mind, when the doctor let out a long sigh.
"It's as if you've forgotten all I ever taught you, stupid brat. It's already been six years, could you stop trying to destroy yourself already? I thought you said 'it was for the best' back then, but the way I see it, Vongola is left without one guardian and with a completely useless Right Hand."
Gokudera's heart got caught in his throat. He hadn't talked about his break-up with Yamamoto with anyone in six years. In fact, he hadn't talked about Yamamoto at all during all that time. Only Shamal had managed to force the truth out of him, and they never discussed the topic again. But that didn't mean Gokudera had stopped thinking about the ex-Rain Guardian. The more he tried not to think about him, the more haunted and lonely he felt. So yeah, maybe he'd tried to drown his misery with really dangerous missions and a little bit of physical pain, what was so wrong about that?
"You know, the Bucking Horse has been spying on that guy for a while. You know, to make sure he's safe in case he decides to come back some day."
Yes, he knew Cavallone had sent some of his men to look after Yamamoto in secret. But he'd never wanted to ask, he'd never wanted to know about it. He felt that, if he heard of the other man, he'd feel the incontrollable need to go back to him, take it all back, start over. He didn't want that. He'd made a decision back then. He wanted Yamamoto to keep shining like the sun, to smile brightly and walk a path of light forever. He didn't want him to come to this world of darkness and blood. He knew what'd happen if he did. He couldn't allow Yamamoto's smile to disappear.
"I just thought you should know, that Yamamoto is now married and recently became a father. He seems like he's doing well, don't you think?"
To be continued
It's been ages since I last wrote any sort of fanfiction, but this little story has been nagging at the back of my head for a couple of months. Though the original idea is actually quite long, I plan to make this story pretty short. Maybe one, or two more chapters, we'll see. When I started writing I thought it'd be a One-shot, but I thought it'd be nice to cut it there, with both of them thinking of each other and how unhappy they are for being apart. Also, Yamamoto's reflections about his relationship with his wife got a little longer than I expected. I just wanted to give more insight to her character and how desperately she loved Yamamoto that she was willing to put up with him even if he never loved her, because she just wanted to make sure that he was okay and didn't go down self-destruction lane. Since she's not going to show up at all anymore, I wanted to make her justice. I actually wanted to add a little more about how she was the one who found him during those two weeks he went missing and the one that forced him to pick himself back together, but I couldn't find anywhere to fit it, and it would've felt like this was a YamamotoxOC, which it certainly isn't.
I'm sorry if Gokudera appears like a douche here, I hope to explain his reasons in the next chapter, which will include a little flashback. I also hope I didn't make them too OOC, I've been away from any fanfiction-dom for such a long time that I don't know how to make IC characters anymore. And I hope I didn't overdo it with all the crying. I'm sorry. Crying men make me weak in the knees.
Anyway, I hope you enjoy it, and please leave Reviews to tell me what you think! I'll look forward to them.
Oh, the title means "Our path under the light", while this chapter's title means "My selfishness, your loneliness, our tears". Though don't trust me too much since I relied on google translate and my very limited knowledge of Italian. Sorry!