Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek
Author's Note: Yay, first Star Trek fanfic! This is inspired by the little conversation Kirk and Uhura had in the elevator in Into Darkness (so if you haven't seen it yet, might not want to read because there are a few spoilers from the beginning of the movie). I might add on, we'll see Feel free to comment/review, I always love feedback!
Live Long and Prosper!
Lieutenant Uhura sat poised on the edge of the plush chair in Commander Spock's quarters. She knew that it would take time for the first officer to return tonight, he was probably still arguing about the Prime Directive with Kirk. The thought made fresh tears come to her eyes, but she refused to let them fall, blinking them away instead.
The events of the day still had the petite woman shaken up, although she wouldn't admit it. Her heart had dropped into her stomach when she heard the snap of the cable that had been holding Spock above the volcano, and had remained there until the Captain had informed her that he was safely aboard the Enterprise. She still felt queasy remembering those tense moments, everything that could have gone wrong.
The quiet swish of the doors opening made Uhura come out of her trance. Spock looked almost surprised, if it were possible for a Vulcan to truly be surprised, when he noticed her still awake. He thought it odd, as humans often needed on average nine hours of sleep in order to function properly, and more often than not he found Nyota sleeping in the bed when he returned from his longer nights on the Bridge.
"Nyota," he half-whispered, the more human side of his genetics coming through as he spoke her name with a touch of reverence. "It was not necessary for you to stay up and wait for me," he commented, starting towards the woman he shared a bed with at night.
"No, Spock, I think it was," Uhura whispered, strain evident in her voice. The Vulcan stopped in his tracks, one of his eyebrows lifting.
"Your voice indicates that you are not happy," he observed, trying to deduce exactly what it was that had Uhura upset.
"That is correct," she replied, eyes staring somewhere off into the distance instead of at Spock.
"Perhaps if you could clarify what exactly is bothering you, I-"
"Is there nothing about today that you want to talk about, Spock?" Uhura asked, eyes finally meeting his own. Her tone was rather accusatory, and Spock was certain that if he were fully human he would have felt uncomfortable in the situation.
"I do not believe there was anything in particular that needed to be discussed about today's events," he commented, still puzzled as to Nyota's cross tone.
"Nothing in particular?" Uhura's voice was steadily rising. "You don't think we need to talk about the fact that you were almost killed today? That you were stuck in a flaming volcano and you didn't want to be saved just because of the stupid rulebook?" Uhura was practically yelling.
"That is what you are concerned about, Nyota? I do not understand why you are so upset. Every day we are subjected to the possibility of death and we must accept this as part of the job. Besides, I am not dead but quite alive," Spock analyzed her previous statement, but drew up with a blank as to why it was something so pressing.
"You don't understand? I was worried about you, Spock, and you just sat there, not feeling anything! You didn't care about what would happen to me if you died!" Uhura's eyes were glassy with the tears that had started to form despite her resolve to stay calm.
"I am afraid I do not comprehend why you are so upset. Perhaps if I…" Spock trailed off, reaching his fingers out to grasp Uhura's hand.
"No." The finality of the statement seemed to surprise Spock, and he quickly drew his fingers away. Uhura was now looking off to the side, focusing on some piece of the unblemished wall.
"Why do you not wish to mind meld?" Spock inquired. It's not that I don't want to, Uhura thought in her head. The fact of the matter was that she loved when her mind joined with Spock's. At the beginning it had been very sparse and very formal, with Spock placing his fingers gently on the side of Uhura's face where the usual nerves and blood vessels were used to facilitate the easiest meld. It had been overwhelmingly shocking to Uhura the first few times, and on occasion she had even become physically sick as the emotions shared through the link intensified.
However, as she became used to it, they began experimenting with the melding capabilities. They would place the palms of their hands together instead of Spock being the one to initiate contact. Once during a rather passionate kiss, they had been rather startled to feel the presence of one another's mind. At first the bond wasn't as strong with the less conventional ways of connecting their bodies, but it soon grew as they learned the contours of the other's mind.
Now they could communicate simply by lightly brushing the other's skin. The longer the contact the deeper they delved into each other's consciences, but simple messages and emotions could be translated by a mundane tap of a finger. Uhura found it extremely intoxicating; she had never had such an intimate relationship with another being.
Refusing such a thing almost felt like an addict trying to refuse their daily dose of poison. Spock seemed to realize this as well, as he had experienced many a time the pure euphoria Uhura felt just by being able to clearly communicate their deepest thoughts without a single word needed.
Uhura did not wish to admit the true reason for her refusal of Spock's simple gesture. It hurt too much to say out loud, or even acknowledge herself.
"I just think it's best that we talk this out, the old fashioned way. I don't want to argue in our minds, my head hurts," she lied, hoping Spock would not detect it, but she could not meet his gaze.
"Why are you lying to me, Nyota? What is your true reason for not wanting to do something we have done for so long without any physical side effects except pleasure on your part?" Spock asked, forcing her to meet his gaze. Dammit, she thought. One of the problems with dating the half-Vulcan was his ability to read right through any fallacy. She met his eyes with her own, but kept her mouth shut. She watched his own eyes skirt over his face, looking for body language indicators as to what might be wrong. Uhura could practically see the gears turning in his head, going through every possible scenario as to why she refused his touch.
After several tense seconds that seemed to last an eternity, realization dawned in his eyes.
"You think I would try and alter your own mindset in order to avoid an argument." For once Uhura could not read the tone of his voice. He seemed to be trying to suppress many emotions, although he couldn't keep them all out of his usual-neutral tone. She looked away, harshly brushing a tear off of her cheek that had managed to escape. Because among all of the other mixed emotions she thought she might have detected in the statement, one she was sure of: pain.
"Nyota, you know I would never-"
"Not on purpose, Spock, but sometimes I can't tell what thoughts are mine and what are yours when we meld, okay? Sometimes I just get lost in yours, and I want to make sure I know what thoughts are mine," she responded, not knowing what else to say.
"You don't trust me." This time, Spock's voice truly was shocked, and he was showing more emotion than Uhura had seen in a while, if ever. She hadn't seen him display pain openly since his home planet was destroyed, a thought that made her throat constrict and burn with sobs that threatened to take over her steely façade.
"I trust you, it's myself I don't trust, Spock. I want to stay true to me, and I don't know if I can do that if we meld!" Uhura tried to explain, voice now frustrated.
"I do not follow your logic," Spock replied, furrowing his pointy eyebrows.
"You know what, I can't do this right now!" Uhura yelled, throwing her arms up in exasperation and standing, walking towards the door. To hell with logic.
"Nyota!" Spock's voice was raised higher than it usually was, and Uhura was surprised at his outburst of emotion that he was usually so good at keeping under control. He reached out and gently grabbed her arm, begging her to stop. Nyota gave a little gasp of pleasure at the thought that maybe she could feel the presence of his mind, that she could melt into him until they were but one, but quickly reprimanded herself for being so susceptible to his touch before blocking her mind as best as she could, not that Spock was trying to intrude.
"DON'T! TOUCH ME!" she outright yelled this time, forcefully yanking her arm out of his grasp. Spock looked at her, his face a mixing pot of emotions that so rarely surfaced for him; hurt, confusion, surprise, agony.
Tears came to Uhura's eyes once again, and this time she let them spill, plump, hot and heavy, racing down her cheeks and splashing on her crimson Starfleet uniform she had forgotten to change out of.
"I don't want you touching me again until we talk this out," she spat out icily, knowing it would hurt him, not caring anymore. She turned on her heel, and marched through the doors that slid open upon recognizing her presence. Tonight she would sleep in the lonely forgotten quarters she had not visited in months: her own.