Characters and universe belong to whosoever the law says they do, in many cases thats not me and I'm content. All done for the fun of it.

Last Thoughts

Funny how the years fly by without you really noticing. You bury yourself in the here and now, get on with living, and they whip past without an apology. Then one day you realise that there aren't going to be any more and you wonder what it was all for. And suddenly you wish you had done it differently.

At least you do when you've done it my way.

I really do wish it had been different. But when the years still stretch out in front of you so many things seem to matter, and there are so many things to be afraid of.

It was all his fault of course. How many years have I spent thinking that? How many nights have I repeated it to myself when I couldn't sleep? His fault, it was all of it his fault. He gave me the reason, and he made it possible, and he should have known. So it was his fault.

But I wish it had been different.

I wish I had been different.

Even then I didn't want it to happen, not when it came to it. But I didn't want to go on like that any more either. I tried to tell him, but he didn't listen. Why? Because it never occurred to him that I would do it, and it should have done.

Still I shouldn't have done it. Wish I hadn't, and have done for a very long time.

But it looked different then and there were so many other things I wanted; wine, women and song for example. Women with good legs and a sense of humour, like that nurse fiddling with the blinds at the bottom of the bed. I want to say 'don't bother sweetheart, the light's gone out any way. It's left me, like the years.' Like I left them. To the darkness.

No, I wish it had been different but I was never brave and I was never stupid, and I wanted to live forever, they should have remembered that. And that as long as I was the only one who knew where Orac was I was safe.

So why wasn't it worth it in the end? Because it wasn't. Nothing was worth it ever again after that, so the jokes on me isn't it? But then it always was. I'd say sorry but that never changed anything and somehow I don't think they'd care.

But maybe I'll say it any way, it can't hurt now, no one can hear and there is no one left to care anyway.

Sorry Dayna that your life ended before it had begun. Sorry Soolin that your gun didn't save you in the end. Sorry Tarrant that you crashed your last ship.

Sorry Blake that I betrayed you.

Sorry Avon, I shouldn't have eavesdropped on you and Orac.