LIFETIME OF SORROW.



Chapter one



Life has a way of coming up and slapping you in the face. At least that's what Cameron felt. He could never run away from his past. He messed up everything he touched. His love for Amanda came close to being the one thing he did right. If only some parts of Boca Lynda hadn't happened. It was there that he had realized just how deep his love for her was, and that was good but then he blew it. Why hadn't he stopped the moment he knew it was Josie and not his beloved Amanda, can grief really cause a person to act that way? 'I don't think so' he said aloud. 'I don't think so'. Well I must carry on, the love is gone, Amanda will never forgive me nor will I forgive myself. So I can't blame her. We both have to cleanse our souls of each other. We can get past this; it just won't be easy.

As he rounded the park one more time, running had not cleared his mind. Coming to the turn to the hill, he passed on by, knowing going up there today would be much too painful. That was their place, and the closest to Amanda, but he was going to get over this. Right? Going there would be like pouring salt into a wound. So he ran towards home, feeling the need to shower and sleep, maybe for weeks. Escape would be good; maybe I should leave town for a while. Stripping down to his shorts, he started the shower, turned on the radio and jumped in. The hot water felt good, soothing to his aching bones and heart. His tears mixing with the water, no one would know he had a heart of mush. Keep up the stony front, let no one invade that cool demeanor and life would be easy. Never again would he put his heart on the line. He had learned a very valuable lesson. He got out of the shower and toweling off he pulled on sweat pants and lay down on the bed and promptly fell into a deep, restless sleep.

Upon waking the next morning he set into motion leaving town, he had paid his rent this month and they had first and last months, so if he didn't get back he'd be covered. He would leave a note for the landlord on the table just in case. He packed up what few clothes he had. He went to the picture of Amanda and himself, deciding whether to leave it or torture himself by taking it. He figured maybe someday he could look at it and not feel pain but fond memories of what might have been. He grabbed it and her ring; he placed them in the bottom of the suitcase. Glancing around the room he had sought refuge in, he said goodbye and quickly closed the door on this part of his life.

After purchasing a ticket for the bus, it couldn't be traced as easily as a plane ticket. An easy get away. He wanted to cause no one pain anymore and it would be days before anyone knew he had left. He would call Gary in a few weeks, if he would take the call and just let him know he was alive. This leaving was a good thing. A new town, and a new chance at moving on.

"Bus 28 for Chicago is leaving in 15 minutes, please check your bags and get ready to board." A metallic voice over the load speaker announced.

Well, it was going to happen, he was off to a new life.

Settling into his seat by the window, he could watch the miles pass, away from his true love. He was saving her from him and this made him happy. It would take a long while before he could think of her and not want to burst into tears, as a single tear slowly traced it's way down his cheek, blending into the condensation on the bus window. Cameron closed his eyes and tried to sleep. After an hour of restlessness he knew it was going to be impossible to sleep. The seats on the bus were not that comfortable. Pulling out some paper from his brief case, he penned a letter that maybe someday he would send to Amanda.

'Dear One, As you receive this letter I am far away. Please continue reading. I will not interfere in your life anymore. I will not try to contact you. I just wanted to ask one more time that somewhere in your soul could you forgive me? I know what we did to you and Gary is unforgivable, and the truth I knew would come out. If I had only trusted in our love, we might be on our way to making our new life. But I didn't, and I can't take any of it back. I am tired of 'if only's'. But Amanda, I do still love you and I believe I always will. Take it for what it is, an honest statement. Yes, I know you probably can't believe me but I will never make that mistake again. Please, take care of yourself, and be happy. One-day maybe we could meet again as friends. I love you.' Cameron

After re-reading the letter, he folded it and placed it in the slot of his briefcase that held her picture. He pulled it out and looked at it, and on the back she had written 'To Cameron Sinclair, all my love always, Amanda Cory. And around it drew a heart. Talking quietly to the photo he said, 'Oh for those first few weeks before we knew about the baby when all we had to handle was the knowledge of Josie and me on the beach. You had been able to forgive that. We were on our way.'

Pressing it close to his heart he thought, we could have been happy. But so much had happened. Now he had lost Amanda, Gary, his son and the only life he had been truly happy with. Because God knows the life before jail had been one nightmare after another. And even prison was no picnic. But he had had a chance and he blew it. Well there was no use wallowing in all that again; I have to get moving on. Placing the picture back in front of the letter, he settled down and stared out the window.

To be continued.