My name is Allen, I am an Hanar who come from planet Kahje, now for those who may not know, my species refer to each other as "this one" and so on due to their belief in being extremely polite and very few have been re-educated to use normal speech, I am one of the few, now enough about me and my species OK, let's start on my memorable visit to Earth, England now shall we.
As of time of writing, the year is 2186 CE by the way.
I had made a visit to Earth in 2184 CE and visited England, gone to it's historical locations, the most interesting one that came on to my mind was Bodiam Castle as I was always interested in historical artifacts from medieval times and I always had a liking in shiny things, old medieval weaponry always held a soft spot in my heart.
I entered the castle from the main entrance, not doing stupid things like entering from the window, climbing the roof or any other shenanigans, then again the main doors were half-open as if someone forgot to lock them and I was alone anyway not with a bunch of tourists or guide, I came on my free will here, I studied some Earth history before I booked my visit of course, now on to my visit, the first room that greeted my when I entered in the castle was the throne room with a beautiful throne and historic suit of armours armed with long swords being held so that the blade faces the ground and the hilt in their metallic gauntlets, they all looked so beautiful and shiny.
I proceeded to go to the armoury room where I saw more grey, shiny metallic swords, suits of armours, lances, pole axes, shields and other medieval weaponry, I touched one of the sword blades (not the edge of the blade of course) the feeling of medieval cold steel felt good on my tentacle as I slowly moved my hand from the tip of the blade down to the hilt, imagining the blade being swung in old times slicing the air with each swing, it was a nice feeling but it was time to move on now, to to go to one of the castle towers, each of the 4 towers at the corners of the castle have one large cannon, metallic grey naval cannons I think.
I climbed to the top of one of the towers via the stairs which led to the top of the gun tower, I entered to the top of the tower and the cannon stood there, pointing it's barrel at me, it said "Who are you? what are you doing here?" yes, up to my surprise the cannon actually spoke much like it's a living entity on it's own, I quickly replied with surprise how can it talk.
"Just because I may look like an inanimate object doesn't mean I have no right to live and talk" the cannon scorned
"I never knew inanimate objects have a soul of their own" I replied
I moved one of my tentacles to the front side of the barrel and slowly moved my tentacle below the front side of the barrel, I continued with
"Say Cannon, I always liked old medieval weaponry, so what do you say?"
"You want to make love with me?" the cannon said
"Well... Hum..." I replied with a flirtous tone
I continued with
"I'l go slow OK"
I slowly moved my tentacles on top of the barrel, the shiny silvery metallic barrel felt cold and sterile, then I sit my body on the barrel, leaning on it and moved all my 6 tentacles around the barrel, tightening my tentacles on it as hard as I could
"So how's it going?" the cannon spoke with a cute gently voice, as if it's enjoying the whole thing
"It feels good" I replied
"Say Cannon, how about you fire 2 shots in any direction you want, away from the castle of course" I said gently
"I don't have any cannon balls inside me but I do have a lot of gunpowder tough, so it's only blank shots" it said
"It's OK, I just want to see you fire at least 2 shots, I don't care if it's blank" I replied
The cannon fired it's first shot out into the panorama, I felt as if my body shook violently, it felt good, it felt like a powerful earthquake that felt for like 3 seconds, I enjoyed that and tightened my tentacles harder then before as the barrel of the gun felt warmer, the cannon fired another shot at a slightly different angle approximately 11 seconds after the first, this time the barrel felt very warm and again I felt that sweet vibration shaking me and the castle as it fired and I squirted white liquid on it's barrel as the cannon was belching fire and smoke due to it's gunfire, it felt really good, I felt overjoyed as the white liquid and sweat was dripping from my body and tentacles on the warm steel of the cannon
"So did you enjoy that?" the cannon exclaimed with a deep sexual tone
"That felt breath taking" I replied in a similar tone
"Well cannon that was all fun and had but I have to go now, maybe one day I will come back here again" I said with an excited tone as I slowly moved tentacle to tentacle off the barrel
"OK, see you soon, I guess" the cannon replied
"It was nice meeting you" it continued
"Same here, much love" I replied
I have walked out of the castle back to my ship, going back to Kahje remembering the sweet experience and my body trembling with each shot the cannon fired.