notes: came back and edited this after like, a year or so. 'bout sums up my life right there.
dedication:
to SincerelyTruly, who was the hundredth reviewer to a story i don't even have posted anymore.

summary: Gray has a talk with Natsu concerning the birds and the bees and Lucy Heartfilia.
disclaimer:
own nothing

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{Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match}

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No matter what people said or thought, Gray Fullbuster was no idiot. Sure, he may have seemed uninterested and indifferent, but he most certainly was not. It was just easier to act that way and not interfere with other people's business like a certain ex-demon now barmaid he knew.

In fact, since people thought he really didn't give a damn, he saw and heard a lot of things most people wouldn't have.

A lot.

Now, some of what he saw and heard was interesting and could be used for possible blackmailing in the future. But other things, he swore he was scarred for life. Honestly, if people had...business they wanted to do—he didn't care whether they thought he was indifferent or not—then they needed to do it where no one else would see or hear them.

Sure he may have an unconscious and possibly incurable stripping habit, but he didn't do it on purpose. And he most certainly did not have heated make-out sessions in the back of the guild hall. He swore that was the last time he ever sat at a table near the back. Ever.

Hell no.

However, being who he was, nothing really escaped his attention either.

In all truth, he never actually tried to notice, see, or hear what he did. He just happened to always be at the wrong place at the wrong time.

And this is how he discovered that his suspicions regarding a certain celestial mage were true.

He'd thought it for a while now, in all actuality. Honestly, when it came to those two, who wouldn't?

He had always had a strong suspicion that Lucy Heartfilia liked—possibly even loved—Natsu Dragneel.

And the other day, while he had been cursing his terrible luck because he had happened upon another unsavory kissing session, he just so happened to overhear Lucy's conversation with Levy. Regarding aforementioned idiot.

His suspicions that he'd had for like, ever, had been confirmed.

Lucy was indeed in love with that moronic Dragon Slayer.

Anyway, Gray had absolutely zero problem with this. None. Zilch. Nada.

Lucy was like a beloved sister, and he saw her in only that way. He liked, maybe even loved, someone else anyway. He had even celebrated the fact that his instincts were still as sharp as ever by ordering shaved ice. So naturally, he had no problem with Lucy being in love with the flame-brain.

Except for one thing.

Natsu Dragneel was probably the densest person he'd ever met in his whole entire life and wouldn't know love even if it bit him in the ass.

That, was his problem.

Gray had met a lot of people, but that idiot was possibly the worst ever when it came to that sort of thing. In the whole entire history of Fiore. And Earthland. And the universe. Since the beginning of time.

And so help him Mavis, he was going to knock some sense into that dense moron if it was the last thing he ever did.

Because while he had accidentally overheard Lucy's confession, he had also overheard her telling Levy how Natsu would most likely never even know. Because he was an honest-to-Mavis idiot who was more dense than a freaking rock.

Of course, Lucy hadn't actually said that, but Gray was sure thinking it.

As mentioned before, Lucy was like a sister to him and he couldn't stand to see her suffer like this. And she had been crying. Crying, over that freaking dragon.

If he didn't act soon, he was going to end up murdering Natsu. That wouldn't be good. Not at all.

So Gray had decided that he was going to have a little talk with Natsu. About Lucy, and girls, and it, and everything single damn thing in between.

He wondered just what exactly Igneel had taught the pink-headed teen about girls. Ur had told him quite a bit, and quite freely, he might add. Hell, she had stripped in front of him. He still turned a bit pink at the thought.

Natsu however, seemed to have no problem whatsoever with naked girls. Either he was just that dense, or he was the biggest pervert Gray had ever met in his life. And if that was the case, he planned on beating his rival/best friend/idiot within an inch of his life.

He sort of highly doubted that though. Because while Natsu had no problem with naked women, he also didn't seem to see them as the entirely different gender that they were. Sure, they'd both bathed with Erza before she, well, hit puberty, but it was most certainly different now.

Gray's head dropped into his hands and he felt like Natsu when he was on transportation.

What the hell had he gotten himself into?

But he steeled his resolve and determination.

Because Lucy'd had an extremely hard life, and she deserved happiness. And he was going to give her what she most wanted, or at least try his hardest to.

He was a man with a mission.

Christmas was coming a little early for Lucy this year, it seemed. Brought to you by Gray Fullbuster.

Although, he swore to himself that if Natsu ever hurt her in any way, he would personally castrate the Dragon Slayer and turn him into a monk.

A sadistic smile pulled at his lips, scaring the people sitting next to him at the bar.

He laughed darkly. Yes, that was it.

His dark eyes wandered over to the door. Natsu seemed late this morning. Either that, or Gray just dreaded talking with him so much that time seemed to drag by at speed that would have put a turtle to shame.

Mirajane eyed the ice-make mage out of the corner of her eye. Something was definitely not right with him this morning. Because the Gray Fullbuster she knew did not watch the guild doors like his life depended on it. And he did not ignore the shaved ice sitting in front of him. And he did not not notice the extremely worried Juvia sitting beside him.

Was he possessed?

She gulped at the thought.

She and Juvia watched as his eyes briefly traveled over to a dejected Lucy who was sitting a Levy's normal table, where the bookworm seemed to be trying to comfort her. Gajeel was even awkwardly patting the blonde on the back, and it seemed he was talking to her as well.

But then Gray's eyes were immediately trained on the door again.

And then the guild doors burst open and in walked Natsu and Happy.

Lucy immediately went stiff and hurriedly wiped away her tears while Gajeel and Levy seemed shocked at her behavior. And Gray...

Mira and the water mage witnessed one of the most impressive things they'd ever seen in their lives. And they had seen a lot of impressive things, okay.

In under five seconds, Gray had made it over to Natsu, grabbed him by his scarf, and dragged him back out of the guild. The amazing thing was, he never even picked up his pace, and had sauntered all the way over to the other side of the guild and out the door that fast.

The doors slammed closed, causing several people to look around in confusion. But they didn't know what had happened, of course. Only a stunned Mira and Juvia.

Outside the guild, Natsu gave Gray a weird look.

"Did you really want to fight me that badly?" he asked in disbelief.

The ice mage pulled at his collar uncomfortably. How the hell was he even supposed to start?

"Look, Natsu, it's about Lucy..." he began slowly.

Suddenly, the Dragon Slayer went rigid.

"Lucy?! Is she alright?! What happened?!" he asked frantically, his gaze darting everywhere, looking for the blonde celestial mage.

Gray punched him. "She's fine, you idiot!" suddenly he stopped. "Well...sort of..."

Natsu raised a brow at him. "What do you mean...?"

Holy hell, why was this so awkward?

By now, Gray was missing his jacket...and shirt. "Ah, well, you see...Lucy is...she's..."

Natsu had crossed his arms and was tapping his foot on the ground.

"Whatexactlydoyouknowaboutgirls?"

Gray wanted to bang his head against the wall repeatedly. What was that? He had meant for it to come out as a normal question, in his normal 'cool' tone of voice, for it to come off kind of nonchalantly. But instead...it had come out all out once in a high-pitched tone he didn't even know he possessed.

Someone help him. He was going to die before he ever finished talking with this idiot.

Natsu frowned. "What does that have to do with anything?"

Gray sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Just...just answer the damn question."

The fire mage looked at him skeptically. "Alright...they're different from us. They smell better, like flowers and stuff, except for a week a month," he made a face. "Then they kind of smell like...old blood or something. They have different body structures. And they're weird."

'Kill me now.' Gray wanted to cry. Freaking cry.

This was torture.

This was hell.

He coughed awkwardly. "Ah, well, yeah. Did..." he hesitated for a moment, debating on whether or not he really wanted to know. "...did Igneel...did he explain that to you? Or anything, anything at all?"

He was begging, pleading, praying, that the great fire dragon had imparted some wisdom and knowledge on that topic to idiot his son.

Natsu looked thoughtful for a moment, and Gray was shocked.

Natsu thoughtful?

Had he just instigated the beginning of the apocalypse?

And then...

Natsu nodded.

"Actually, yeah. He did."

And Gray wanted to cry for the second time that day. He had never been so relieved in his life. He even felt like hugging the moron in front of him.

Now that was a scary thought.

"Okay, that's good. Now listen, did Igneel explain to you what love is?"

It was an honest question, and one that was very important.

Natsu looked disturbed. "Yeah...listen Gray...if you're going to confess or something, I just want you to know that I'm flattered and all that, but I don't roll that way."

Forget the hugging. Gray wanted to murder the bastard in front of him.

'For Lucy. This is for Lucy. I'm doing this for Lucy,' he repeated it over and over in his head like a mantra.

Gray ground his teeth. "No, you idiot. I was not going to confess. Don't go jumping to such ridiculous and unlikely conclusions! Besides, I never thought anyone could love someone like you!" he sighed heavily and dragged a hand down his face. "However, I guess I was wrong," he muttered under his breath.

But of course, Natsu, being the Dragon Slayer with excellent hearing that he was, heard him.

His onyx eyes widened. "What? Who?!"

Once again, forget murdering the wide-eyed idiot standing in front of him, Gray wanted to hang himself.

He rubbed the back of his neck. "...shit. Look, the reason I dragged you out here and had to go through...hell...is because someone important to me is in love with you, you freaking moronic flame-brain. Now, if you dare hurt her, I'll make you wish you were never born. And if you so as even make her cry, I'll make sure you can never reproduce. Do you understand?"

Natsu looked unimpressed by his threat, but Gray didn't miss his Adam's apple bobbing as he swallowed nervously. He waved a hand. "Yeah, yeah. Gray...I need to tell you something."

Oh. Now this was a first.

Said ice mage raised a brow. "...do I want to know?"

It was Natsu's turn to punch him. "Listen. I already love someone, a girl. She's sweet, beautiful, kind, sort of scary sometimes, and hates it when I 'trespass' in her house. Is that...is she who you were talking about?"

Well, holy freaking shit.

Natsu Dragneel wasn't as dense as he seemed to be.

Gray grabbed him by his shoulders, startling him. "Are you really Natsu?! You're not Mira are you, because if you are..." he growled, not wanting to make the girl cry if it was indeed, really her. "So you're not really dense, are you?" he already knew the answer.

Natsu looked extremely sheepish. "No...everything is just so much easier when people assume you're an idiot and denser than lead."

Yes, Gray knew something of this himself. However, it seemed that it had only brought him more problems.

What was that saying about assuming things making you an ass?

He released Natsu and sighed, shaking his head.

"Stripper..."

Gray pointed to the guild doors. "Just...go get your girl already, flame-brain."

Natsu grinned at him and ran to the doors. He grabbed the handle, but turned back to look at Gray.

"Hey you damn exhibitionist, why don't you tell Juvia how you feel as well!" and before Gray could retort, he was already inside the rowdy guild.

Gray smirked and laughed to himself. "So, that idiot noticed too, huh?"

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Lucy was having a bad day. She was in love with someone who didn't know love from hunger and would probably never even love her back. Levy had tried to console her, even Gajeel seemed concerned. Gajeel.

She buried her head in her arms. Was her situation really that hopeless?

She wanted to cry again.

Suddenly, the guild doors burst open and the object of her sorrow strode over to her.

Lucy did her best to put on a smile.

Natsu grabbed her hand. "Hey Luce!" he greeted.

The blonde smiled. "Oh, good morning Natsu."

He turned serious, startling her. "I have something to tell you."

Then he kissed her.

Right there, in the middle of the guild. In front of everyone.

When he pulled back, he leaned his forehead against hers and grinned.

"I love you, Lucy."

Her brain was fried. "I-I...I l-love you too, Natsu."

Mira fainted, and Juvia wondered just what her beloved Gray-sama had said to Natsu. Oh well, Lucy was no longer her love-rival, and so she ventured over to congratulate the blonde.

Gray decided that maybe he should go into the matchmaking business. With all the stuff he heard, he could pair everyone up in a snap of his fingers.

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end notes: matchmaker graaay. you asked and i delivered. i may make this into a legit story except in a modern!au with lucy as his partner.