It was bloody unnatural a vamp getting up at the break of dawn instead of going to bed. Still, Spike wouldn't change his life for anything. This morning was like any other, since he and Buffy had finally circling one another like nervous teens and decided it was time they made a go of it. He awoke with his girl in his arms, spooned around her beautiful body, his nose in her hair. Waking up with Buffy was one the best things about the day. He knew it was the closest to heaven he would ever reach. His dreams may be amazing but his reality was even better. He took care extricating his arm from under Buffy, not wanting to disturb her from her slumber. He chuckled as she moaned at the loss of contact, although from the speed of her heartbeat and her breathing he knew she was still in a deep sleep. He stretched his arms and yawned before throwing off the blankets. Little did he know he was about to get the shock of his life. It wasn't until he tried to get out of the bed that Spike noticed it- the very pregnant looking bump in his belly.
He screamed at the top of his lungs - actually shrieked like a girl - and then once more.
Buffy jumped up in fright at the sound. "What?" Her bleary eyes looked around for an intruder before she registered that the noise she heard came from her vampire. She gave him a quizzical look and he found he was unable to find his voice. He opened his mouth in an effort to form words but he could only make incoherent sounds. He pointed at he baby bump, which looked so alien on his make physique.
Buffy's hand went to her mouth. "Oh my God!"
Normally a dirty retort would have been on lips but not now. Spike had never been shy about his body and he normally quite liked having her look at him. In this case, however, her curious expression made him feel distinctly uncomfortable.
Her hand had left her mouth now and she leaned over on the bed and started tracing the expanded skin across his belly. "You're... you're pregnant!"
He had a feeling she was trying hard not to smile.
Spike jerked away from her touch, finding the power of speech at last. "What the fuck?"
"You look at least six months gone." Buffy chewed her lip. "How?"
Cursing Spike stood up suddenly, and unaccustomed to the weight he nearly stumbled before he caught himself.
"What in the buggerin' hell is goin' on? Who did this to me?"
There was a strangled laugh from Buffy's direction. Spike ignored this and looked down at his expanded belly, splaying his hands around it in fascinated horror. This was just wrong.
Buffy came up beside him and put a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "Don't worry, Spike. We'll figure this out." Her tone was firm but he could see the hint of amusement in her twitching lips. "It's not like you can really get pregnant. You're a guy with guy parts and.. a vampire."
He glared at her, irritated by her flippancy. "Don't know if the vampire part's a real deal breaker, pet. Didn't do Darla much good. And wasn't there some bloke who was up the duff not that long ago."
Buffy went silent at his words The hysterical edge to his voice seemed to sober her thoughts.
He gritted his teeth, "I was the Initiative's bitch before, and I don't intend on being anyone's guinea pig. Been there, worn the soddin' t-shirt."
"Sorry," Buffy said. "I just.."
Barely registering her apology Spike's mind was going a mile a minute trying to figure out what the bloody hell had happened. Suddenly,it hit him like one of the Slayer's powerful right hooks - Willow. Red did this. She had the mojo and she certainly had the provocation. The witch had recently decided that wanted a baby with her girlfriend and Red had gotten her wish with the help of a sperm donor.
Remembering his words to the very pregnant witch the night before, he said, "Bloody Red - I'm going to kill her. I'm going to rip out her innards and dance on 'em."
In his red haze he took him a few moments before he noticed Buffy was talking.
She was frowning. "Be kind, rewind. What makes you think Willow would do such a thing?"
Spike sighed. "Remember last night? When she told me I should take a walk in her shoes?"
He kicked the leg of the bed in temper.
Buffy took his hand and squeezed it. "Settle down, Spike. We don't know for sure that she did it."
"Oh, she did it alright. You bints are always moody and never more so then when you're up the duff."
Her mouth formed a thin line. "Quit taking your anger out on me," she snapped. "Besides, you kinda deserve it."
Spike pointed at his belly. "This? You're saying I deserve this? Are you completely daft, woman?"
Buffy raised an eyebrow. "You told her to and I quote "Stop whinging, woman. It's not as if you're the first woman to ever have a sprog." And then to make things worse you proceeded to do one of your famous when I was a lad speeches. You were being a sexist pig."
Spike didn't say a word; he knew he didn't have a leg to stand on. Still wasn't right though.
Buffy's lip was twitching once more. "You get to experience all those little things you told her she was being a drama queen about."
Her fight with her lips was lost and she began giggling hard.
"Don't laugh at me?"
She patted his belly. "I think you look cute."
"I'm not cute," he growled. Why wasn't the bint taking this seriously?
"I'm sorry, Spike, but you've got to admit it's at least a little but funny."
"No it's not," he said. "I just want to know what Red did to me? What did she put into me?" His eyes suddenly widened in terror. "What will come out of me?"
Buffy rolled her eyes. "Spike, this is Willow we're talking about. It's not going to last long."
"Red? Didn't she try to end the world once?" he said darkly.
Buffy's mirth died down at his words. "Good point," she said, picking up the telephone on the beside table.
Spike watched as Buffy dialled Willow's number and he starred as she waited for the response on the other end.
"Hey, Willow. We've had an unexpected development."
Spike balled his fists at her intentional pun.
Buffy met his eyes. "You admit it was your spell, then?" she asked Willow.
Spike grabbed the phone from Buffy. "Red, you bitch?"
The witch just laughed down the phone at him. "That's what happens when you tease and insult pregnant ladies."
"Now you've had your fun. Call off your mojo and put me back to rights."
"You heard me," she said "Not until I'm satisfied you've learned your lesson."
Spike was too shocked to even respond and he heard the click of the phone as she disconnected the call.
Gaping like a fish, he looked over at Buffy, "She hung up on me?"
What in the bleedin' hell did Red think she was doing? Okay he conceded he had been a little harsh and snide with his comments, but really that was no excuse to cut off a man's balls and replace them with a bun in the oven.
Over the next couple of days, Spike waddled around the house, refusing to leave should anyone see him. The Slayer was finding it too entertaining altogether and no matter how much he moaned she refused to try and talk Willow into setting him right. He was surrounded by vindictive bitches.
"Remind me to remember never to piss off a pregnant witch again," he moaned to Buffy. "I can't even wear my docs anymore. My feet are too swollen." He pouted. "And I can't even wear my favourite coat."
"It's your only coat," she quipped.
"You know what I mean," he said.
Staying in didn't stop other's calling over to see him though. There was a visit from Red and her girl as well as Dawn. Even Giles and Harris had called over for a peek. Spike was starting to feel like a chimpanzee in a cage.
When Red called over the second time, Spike was suffering from back ache.
He rubbed his back. "You women chose to go through this? You're all insane!"
The witch shook her head. "Spike, this isn't the worst part of being pregnant. I think that part would be actually giving birth."
Spike winced at that. "I really should learn to keep my mouth shut. It gets me in all kinds of trouble."
He knew it was now or never; he had to apologise. Saying sorry was something that stuck in his throat, especially when he meant every word of it.
"Sorry," he mumbled.
He looked at Red, trying to gauge her response. She paused for a few moments before putting him out of his misery.
"I think you've learned your lesson," Willow said. "It should wear off by morning."
He threw his arms around the witch. When he let go of the witch down, he saw Buffy standing with her hands on her hips and tapping her foot.
"Should I be jealous? Is there something I should know?"
Only the twinkle in her eye gave away she was joking.
Willow squeezed Spike and smiled at the Slayer. "Oh no! You've found us out."
"We've been having a torrid affair, Spike added with a smirk.
Buffy punched him on the arm. " Willow, giving you parole?" she asked.
He nodded. "It's bloody well time."
Buffy linked her arm in his. "Let's celebrate."
He waggled his eyebrows. "Interestin' euphemism, luv?"
Buffy rolled her eyes. "Willow, I'm sorry to say he's still a pig."
"It's why you love me," he reminded her.
She patted his belly. "My very own real life Mr. Gordo. I'm going to miss it."
That shut Spike right up and Willow was starting to get a little uncomfortable.
The witch coughed to remind the couple of her presence. "There are some things a girl shouldn't hear about her friend's sex life, so I'm going to go before I'm even more mortified."
She left the couple to "celebrate" and headed out the door.
The following morning Spike woke before Buffy. He was almost afraid to check if Willow had been true to her word. Buffy began to stir in his arms and he looked down at her face as she opened her eyes.
She smiled up at him. "Morning, Spike."
He could feel her hands running across his stomach.
"Well?" he asked.
"Peachy," she replied, pulling the blankets down.
Spike looked down at his perfectly toned stomach. "Thank god. I'm me again."
He heaved a huge sigh of relief.
"If there was a way for us to have babies, I totally think you should carry them" Buffy joked.
He pinched her arm. "Oi! Not funny, sweetheart."
"Very funny, sweetheart," she retorted.