Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII

Warning: Trolling!Sephiroth; mentions of Fem!Cloud; possible OOCness


Prompt: Midgard Press Interviews Sephiroth

Sephiroth sat there, waiting for the whole thing to end. Of course, no matter how many ways Sephiroth tried to amuse himself in order to make time pass faster, nothing worked. After all, his tormentors were doing their best to drag their little sessions on for as long as humanly possible. If it wasn't for the President, Sephiroth could have been doing something more productive with his time (like torment Cloud). Instead, he would have to suffer through the annoying chatter and flashing lights. The only consolation he had was the fact that Zack, Genesis, and Angeal were suffering along with him - or rather, Angeal was at least. Zack and Genesis were enjoying the limelight.

Currently, Zack, Angeal, and Sephiroth were waiting in a private lounge with a few Turks as they watched Genesis' one-on-one interview come to an end. It was finally Sephiroth's turn. Getting up, Sephiroth made his way to the other room, following the employee how went to fetch him. Soon enough, he arrived at his destination. As they passed one another, Genesis bid him good luck with his usual dramatic flare.

The room was brightly lit, the majority of the lights focusing on the stage. There was an abnormal abundance of females in the audience, Sephiroth observed. He paid it no mind. He went to take his place on the leather sofa, right across the interviewer, briefly exchanging a few pleasantries.

"Everybody, let's give a warm welcome to our beloved General, Sephiroth!"

The audience roared at her words. Silently, Sephiroth wished they would tone it down. They were unbearably loud to his sensitive mako hearing. He didn't grimace at the noise. Instead, he dutifully waved at them. They roared even louder, and Sephiroth made his decision.

He would make this as uncomfortable and disheartening for them as possible. The fact that he would be able to see their miserable faces at his answers to the predictable questions made it even sweeter.

Once the crowd quieted down, the interviewer started asking her questions.

"Let's start this off simply," the woman said. "Everyone knows that Commanders Hewley and Rhapsodos came from Banora, and that Commander Hewley's student, Zachary Fair came from Gongaga. We're curious as to where your hometown is, General."

"I was born in Neibelheim," Sephiroth stated.

"Oh," the interviewer stumbled at the unexpected answer. "And, uh, where is that exactly?"

"Up in the mountains." He reveled at their blank, stupefied faces.

That... did not fit his image. At all. The thought that ShinRa's glorious, beautiful General was a mountain hick... The interviewer's mind drew a blank, before kicking back into gear and bulldozing over his answer with another question in an attempt to save the interview and the image of ShinRa's most prized SOLDIER.

"SO!" She brought up a popular question, in hopes of distracting the female audience from Sephiroth's prior confession. Her loud exclamation, unbeknownst to her, had irritated Sephiroth's sensitive hearing. "The Silver Elite are dying to know, what do you look for in a partner?"

Her question drew the audience's attention. Sephiroth could see them leaning forward from their seats, as if he would miraculously call out their name. He raised a brow at the interviewer's similar reaction.

He pondered for a moment, debating whether or not he was petty enough to crush all their hopes and dreams for the sake of his hearing's vengeance. And he came to the conclusion that, yes, he was.

"Blonde," he said, starting off easily. Idly, he could see some of the audience wilt, while the blondes on the set preened. "Blue eyes," he added.

Oh, look. A few more crumbled. He swore he could hear sobs.

The interviewer, coincidentally, was blonde and blue-eyed. When he turned back to face her, he almost deadpanned at her hopeful face.

"A strong swordsman."

All of them, including the interviewer, wilted. They quickly sprung back up with determination in their eyes, however, to his amusement. They probably remembered that they could buy blue eye contacts and dye their hair. And they probably thought they could just pick-up swordsmanship. If any thing, he probably just boosted ShinRa's future SOLDIER population. The President was probably going to use that statement to encourage females to enter ShinRa and boost the company's reputation for promoting "gender-equality."

Sephiroth didn't care. As long as it wouldn't take up more of his time. Then again, if it did, he could always defect.

Hmm... Now there was a thought.

"Someone who can keep up with me in the throes of battle." He took in their disheartened faces with relish. "Who would be a wonderful, loving mother."

They were beginning to look hopeful and determined again so he added, "And who would be so protective, she would not hesitate to give me the most gruesome, excruciating death if she thought I was even so much a threat to her loved ones."

Again, he basked in their complete and utter horrified silence.

"Excuse me?" the interviewer squeaked.

"Of course," he continued blithely, "she could always opt for hurling me into reactors if she so wished."

Sephiroth observed the woman across him with amusement as she tried to school her face into a politically correct expression. Watching her trying and failing to come up with an appropriate response was almost as entertaining as watching Genesis play Dodge the Fireball with the new recruits.

She must have seen the amusement on his face for she quickly collected herself and let out a strained laugh. "Oh, I never knew how dark your humor could be, General!"

The audience let out a relieved laugh at that.

He gave a smile that was more of a smirk and let out some unexpected words.

"Oh, I was simply describing my fiancée."

The noise level came to a abrupt halt, and everyone in the room, from the audience to the staff, gave him alarmed looks.

"I-is that so?" the interviewer coughed, breaking the silence. "And...How long have you two been engaged?" she inquired.

"Just recently," Sephiroth said with great satisfaction. "I've finally convinced her to marry me." Though, 'convinced' wasn't really the case, but they didn't have to know that.

The interviewer leaned forward. "Oh? Was it difficult to convince her?"

"A bit," he admitted. "You'd think that after having my children, she wouldn't have been so adverse to the idea."

"Children?" She perked up at the news. "Yes, there have been rumors going around. Several people have reportedly sighted silver-haired children going around Midgar and the ShinRa building. How many children do you have, if you don't mind me asking."

"We've had three, thus far," he hummed. "Their mother occasionally brings them to Midgar to visit family and friends."

"Are the children the reason you wanted to marry this woman?"

"No." Unabashed, he boldly admitted, "I had hoped that impregnating her would encourage her to accept my proposal."

He met the interviewer's stare dead-on as everyone around him gawked at his bold confession.

"So, um... How did you two meet?" she asked, hoping to find something more comfortable to talk about.

"We first met in Neibelheim, our hometown."

"Oh? Childhood friends?"

"No, actually. You see, at that time, I had recently discovered something rather unpleasant and... Well I guess you could say I threw a bit of a fit. Needless to say, she appeared and snapped me out of it."

Interested, the interviewer patiently waited for him to elaborate. When he didn't, she prodded. "How?"

He gave her a smirk. "She stabbed me." At her horrified face, he couldn't help but elaborate. "Mind you, that was after I had ran Masamune through her torso, and burned down her house." He took in the pale faces of his audience, staff and guests, and continued, "Soon after that, she shoved me into the reactor, with her brother's sword still embedded in my chest."

Horrified silence filled the room.

"I've been chasing after her ever since," he couldn't help but add, carrying on as if what he had just said was a completely normal meeting.

Privately, the interviewer wondered if he had mistaken the desire for vengeance for love and desire.

"So," the interviewer coughed awkwardly. "Do you have any… um… hobbies?"

She winced at her question. This interview had not been going as well as she had hoped. The General hadn't responded to the questions as planned, leaving her rather flustered, despite the interesting answers he had provided.

Sephiroth hummed. His eyes glinted with an emotion she could not place, but if that smirk on his face said anything, she was of the opinion that it was something wicked.

"I must say, I do enjoy cloud-watching."

Zack choked on his food as he sat on a sofa next to some Turks.

Reno stared blankly at the screen before turning towards Tseng.

"Did he jus' admit ta bein' a peepin' tom?"

He received no answer. Reno glanced at Zack and flinched away from the SOLDIER's frightening aura.

"I'm gonna kill him."

Suddenly, Reno wished Angeal and Genesis hadn't been called out of the room to get ready to join Sephiroth on stage. He looked to Tseng for help, only to find that the bastard left him to deal with the homicidal SOLDIER.

And to think, he still hadn't figured out a way he could tell Cloudy and the others about Hojo's newfound interest in the little triplets that wouldn't result in him being doomed for the rest of eternity.

Maybe Sephiroth and the others were onto something with all those defections.

Phew... This chapter was longer than usual. I was actually tempted to continue, but I figured I should just end it here :P

Thank you to those who submitted interview questions to fuel my uncreative mind. I know most of them weren't used, but I just couldn't find a way to insert them without losing my train of thought. But thank you all the same. They helped remove that writer's block that was building up in regards to this chapter.