Thinky Gay Thoughts
So okay, Willow is gay. Or bisexual. Or something.
Buffy is so not wigged about that at all.
It's just… Okay, maybe she's a little bit wigged. But hey, cut a girl some slack. Because Willow's been mooning over guys with her for as long as they've known each other. Hello, Xander? Malcom… well, Moloch? He was a guy. A creepy, ugly, demon robot, but still – guy! Then of course there's Oz, who Willow really loved – didn't she? – and who came back and wanted to get back together with her, except now…
Oh god. Willow's gay. Because Buffy doesn't know Tara very well, just enough to sorta, kinda, maybe say hello and how are you if she's not with someone Buffy knows a lot better, but she's definitely not a guy. She's curvy, blonde…
Blonde. Tara's a blonde.
Which isn't the least bit… All right. Yes, it's freaksome. Except… Buffy has always known - always known – when someone was checking her out, even when it was a girl, and Willow never has. Not ever. So if Willow likes blondes…
Willow has never once given Buffy the eye.
But that's good. It's really good. Willow not checking her out or anything, that is. It would so be awkward and uncomfortable and awkward and… she already thought 'awkward', huh? Great. She's redundant in her head, which isn't nearly as bad as being redundant when you're, oh, say, talking to Giles, but it's still… redundant.
No, this whole chaos in her head is not because she's insulted or anything. About the whole 'not being ogled by Willow' thing. Once again, it's very, very, very much of the good that their friendship isn't complicated by her suddenly-out-of-a-suddenly-revealed-closet best friend having the hots for her.
Well, except for the part where… You know, okay, this is totally academic or something like that (Willow would know the word she's looking for but it's not like she can ask her), but she's prettier than Tara, and hey! She works out. And slays! Her body is way more awesome. Yes, Tara's boobs are bigger, but Buffy's aren't such a bad set and…
Oh god. She is not thinking any of this. She is not sitting here in her dorm room (which she just happens to share with Willow) thinking all competitive-y about Tara and wondering why Willow doesn't want to jump her.
She so isn't.
Buffy Summers is one hundred percent heterosexual. Angel, Riley, (Parker… ewww), Pike… all the manliest of manly there. Well, okay, there's Angel's hair gel, but he's still very much a guy – even if he's kind of on the dead side. He has a penis and everything.
Oh gross. That was so Anya. Not a place she ever wanted her brain to go.
The point, however, is that Buffy is only interested in boys. Only. As in exclusively. As in never ever being curious about what it would be like…
Except that ever since Willow told her that she and Tara are a 'thing', Buffy has to admit that, purely from an idle curiosity standpoint, she has sort of wondered… What would it be like to kiss Will… a girl. Just a hypothetical girl who does not have red hair and a cute smile or wear clothes that don't fit properly. A girl who is absolutely nothing like her best friend.
You know, this would be so much more convincing if she was not staring at herself in the mirror, analyzing her face to see why Willow thinks Tara's is sexier, or prettier, or more loveable, or… something. Of course this in no way means she actually wants Willow to be interested in her or anything. It's just…
Tara? Really? The girl stutters. That is, when she even speaks, which she barely bothers to do when Buffy's around. Willow deserves better. If she's going to move on from Oz – which is just fine, really, since, now that she thinks about it, it's not like Oz was good enough for Willow anyway – shouldn't she be upgrading? You know, to someone cooler, hotter… Someone more like…
No, no, not like her, just more… more, you know?
And no, the fact that she is now standing in front of the mirror, turning side to side and analyzing the perkiness and thrustiness of her breasts is really nothing and totally unrelated to her current line of thought. She's just gloating over the fact that she can pass the pencil test.
Bet Tara couldn't.
She did not just think that.
Sitting on the bed with a heavy and disturbingly Giles-like sigh, she admits that she has a lot of admitting to do. Like maybe she's just a little bit jealous of Tara. Like maybe she's not so completely and totally a boys-only kind of Buffy.
Like maybe she's more than a little bit curious about what it would be like to kiss a gi… Willow. The same Willow who'll be back here any minute – probably to change so she can go do something Wiccan with Tara. Something that Buffy can't share.
She lays back on the bed and stares at the ceiling, wishing she hadn't picked today to have thinky thoughts, though there never would be a good day for this, except maybe the day Willow and Tara break up, and…
Wait a minute. That's it! Because hey – they're Scoobies and they're doomed. Totally and completely doomed. None of their relationships ever work out. So one of these days, Willow and Tara will break up and then…
Yeah, and then.