Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from Twilight.

Trigger Warning. Trigger Warning. Trigger Warning. Can not stress it enough.. TRIGGER WARNING.

P.S. I'm really sorry for this guys. Don't hate me.

After I finish recanting the events of last night to a stoic Rosalie, we sit in a tense silence. I'm avoiding eye-contact with her at all costs.

"So, let me make sense of this." I hear Rosalie start slowly, no emotion in her voice. "First, you go out with a guy who has taken advantage of you while you were intoxicated before. Then, you go to a club and get drunk with people you barely know and said guy. Then,-"

"Rose, I-" I try to interrupt but she shakes her head quickly and gets up off of the bed, effectively pushing me off of her lap.

"No, no! Let me finish!" She says quickly, pacing the room slowly now. "Then, you move towards a drunken male club fight, getting injured in the process and then the assholes that you're with neglect to take you to get the stitches that you clearly need. Am I on the right track so far? Stop me if I'm incorrect."

I sigh and rub my forehead in frustration. She is correct, but her words are twisting the situation around and making it seem like Alice, Jasper, and everyone else are shitty people and that I purposely made reckless decisions. That's not the case. "Rose, you're being-"

"Stop right there." She interrupts me, turning around to glare at me heatedly, her blonde hair swing behind her. "I'm not being anything but a concerned girlfriend."

"Well you know what? Excuse the hell out of me for wanting to go and be a normal teenager and hang out with my friends!" I exclaim raising my voice slightly, frustrated at her for not allowing me to get a word in. I don't want to argue with her, I really don't, but at this point I know it's inevitable.

"I don't care that you go out, Bella. I really don't. I care that you choose to go out and get wasted and behave recklessly. Grow the hell up! You're 18 not 8!" She says heatedly and I feel my face heat up in anger at her words and her judgment.

"Well if you wanted someone mature maybe you should have thought twice before deciding to start fucking your student!" I exclaim, standing from the bed and gesturing wildly with my hands.

"Oh, fuck you!" She yells, her face red and her fists clenched. She takes few steps forward before continuing. "You know damn well that isn't what this is about! This is about you being immature and not giving a fuck about how your actions affect other people! That's what this is about!"

"No, this is about you being jealous of Jasper and I hanging out! That's what this is about!" I yell at her and I see her jaw tighten.

"No. If this was about me being jealous of Jasper we'd be arguing about your blatant flirting with him or how you allow him to touch you and flirt shamelessly with you. Or the fact that you guys had sex. That's what we'd be arguing about!" She says in a deathly calm voice, even though I can hear the underlying anger.

"It's called being friendly! Something you obviously wouldn't know anything about since you're such a bitch to everyone all the time!" I yell heatedly. How dare she accuse me of flirting with Jasper?

"A bitch?" She exclaims and I immediately take a step forward when I see tears in her eyes, before I remember that we're in the middle of an argument. "If I'm such a bitch then why the hell are you still here?"

The silence after that statement is deafening. It crackles like a heated fire waiting to be extinguished. I sigh loudly and place my hand over my face, clenching my eyes shut in frustration.

"I don't know what to do anymore, Bella. I really don't. I'm trying to help you, but you have to want it too! You can't drown all your problems in alcohol and ignore them! You're destroying yourself and I don't want to be a bystander anymore!" She says loudly, running her hands through her thick blonde locks.

"So don't be!" I exclaim loudly. "I'm not twisting your arm and forcing you to be with me, Rosalie. You don't like where this is going? You don't like how I'm dealing with my problems? Then fuck it. Be done because I am too." I abruptly turn and exit the room, leaving a tearful Rosalie standing frozen in her room. I grab my keys off of the counter and make my way towards the elevator. I hear her footsteps approach from the bedroom and even though it's weak and quiet, her voice still startles me.

"Are you breaking up with me?" She asks quietly and I refuse to turn around because I don't want to see the look on her face. This is for the best. She need someone stable and mature. Someone without so much baggage and issues to work through. I'm doing what's best for her.

"I guess I am." I say quietly as the elevator door opens and I step into the elevator. I press the button to close the doors hastily and as soon as the doors close I let the tears fall.

Xx

That night, I invited Alice over and she held me while I cried and screamed into her shirt. She let me curse at myself and pour out all my insecurities to her. All of the insecurities that I felt had been confirmed. She held my arms down when I began throwing things and punching the walls. She caught the pieces of me, piece by piece, before they hit the ground, ensuring that they didn't shatter anymore than they already had.

That was two weeks ago.

Two weeks of my skipping AP Statistics and student aiding periods with her. Two weeks of waiting for her to call. Two weeks of self-medicating with drugs that aren't prescribed to me, courtesy of Jasper. Two weeks of starving myself. Two weeks of being completely done with life. Two weeks of complete and absolute hell.

Xx

I look into the mirror and sigh at what I see. I'm wearing gray PINK sweatpants that hang off of me more than they normally do, a black long sleeved fitted shirt that showcases how much weight I've lost and black UGGs. My hair is in a curly disarray, yet not messy enough to be considered ridiculous Thank God, strongly resembling a lion's mane and my tired, pale face lacks make-up.

I roll my eyes at my appearance and turn away from the mirror, making my way into my bedroom. I glance at my iHome and see that it's 7:00, almost time for school. For the first time in two weeks I'm going to be attending first period and my other periods with her, due to the demands of Courtney and my principal. For the first time in two weeks I'm going to be seeing her.

I throw on my leather jacket slowly before grabbing my bag, keys, and my phone and exiting my bedroom. I slowly walk down the hallway and towards the stairs. You would think I was attending a funeral.

I enter the kitchen and I see Courtney standing at her island talking speedily into her phone. She's dressed in a tasteful, gray pants suit that shows off her curves and her platinum blonde hair is pulled back into a neat bun at the nape of her neck. She smiles at me briefly, probably at seeing me up and ready to attend school on time, before going back to her conversation. I walk to the refrigerator and open it, leaning inside to grab a bottle of water.

"Okay, Andrew." I raise my eyebrows at the mention of Andrew, Courtney's coworker, who is also working on my case. He has been around quite a bit lately. "Yes, we're still on for tonight. Bye."

I close the refrigerator and turn around to find Courtney staring at me with an eyebrow raised. I jerk my neck outwards towards her, widen my eyes, and raise my eyebrows in a commonly known 'what?!' manner. She scoffs and rolls her eyes at my attitude before speaking.

"That's not all you're having for breakfast, Bella." She states, turning around and placing the papers on the counter in her suitcase. I roll my eyes at her statement, while I mull over how my extreme irritability lately is surprising even me.

"Well, duh." I say monotonously, while fixing the strap of my bag on my shoulder and tightening my fingers around my key anxiously, wanting to escape this conversation. "I'll stop and get something on my way to school, oh smart one."

"The attitude really needs to stop, Bella. I don't what's up with you lately, as you refuse to talk to me, but it needs to stop. You know you can come to me with anything. What's going on?" The sincerity and concern in her voice is almost enough to make me spill my guts to her, to let them pour out untamed. To tell her all about the drugs and the starving. All about the hole that is ever present now that she is no longer in my life. The nightmares that cause me to toss and turn every night, unable to get any rest. The scary thoughts and voices that now reside in my head. But I don't. I restrain all those words and thoughts and grasp them tightly, bringing them in closely to my chest, keeping them from the prying eyes of Courtney.

"Everything's fine, Courtney." I say with a scoff and a light smile, pushing past her and towards the door. The smile slips from my face as soon as I'm out of Courtney's sight and do my best to ignore the painful ache in my chest.

Xx

I pull into the parking space next to Jasper's truck and roll my eyes when I spot him and his jock 'friends' near the hood. I reach over to the passenger seat and into my bag, pulling out my phone and checking my notifications. A small smile creeps its way onto my face when I see that I have a text message from Alice.

Good morning, beautiful. Have an amazing day. You can do this. Eat something today please. I love you. Stay strong. Call me later. xoxo

My smile has turned into a genuine one by the time I reach the end of her message and I quickly type out a similar and equally cute message and send it to her. Alice has literally been my rock these past to weeks and I honestly don't want to think about where I'd be without the support she's shown me. She has become my best friend.

My legs are shaking slightly when I exit the car and I hold onto the door for a few seconds to steady them. I tighten my fingers around the strap of my bag and close the door behind me, pressing the lock button on my keys and listening to the alarm give to sharp beeps that resonate through the parking lot.

"Hey, Bells!" I hear Jasper call out and I move my eyes to him and offer him a weak smile and a wave, not feeling comfortable around him when he's with his asshole friends. I go to make my way around the group when I hear Jasper call out to me again. "What? No hug?"

I put on a fake smile, not in the mood for this today, before turning around and walking towards him, wrapping my hands around his waist when I reach him. He quickly wraps his arms around my waist and caresses my sides. I immediately go to jerk out of his touch, not liking the show he's obviously putting on for his friends, but he holds strong causing panic to begin rising within me.

"Why so tense, babe?" He asks and I scoff at his nickname and try once again to pull out of his arms, this time succeeding much to my relief. I allow myself to take deep slow breaths discreetly, trying not to let them see my panic.

"Bet my boy Jazz could loosen you up again, eh?" Tyler Crowley, one of 'Jazz's' asshole friends snickers and I glare at him before glaring at Jasper in betrayal as his friends begin to snicker. I see guilt in Jasper's eyes and I simply shake my head at him before turning on my heel and walking towards the school building. I can hear Jasper call out to me, but I don't turn around and he doesn't follow.

I make my way to first period slowly and by the time I reach the door I still have seven minutes to spare. I stand next to the open door and lean against the lockers, refusing to go in until the very last minute. Students file in, Jasper among them, and I watch them with tired eyes. I finally decide to step into the classroom and as soon as I do the bell rings. I roll my eyes at that and them make my way to my desk, completely avoiding looking at her even though I can see her out the corner of my eye standing at her desk. I sit down and finally my eyes look up and take in her form.

Her thick, dirty blonde hair is curled delicately and frames her gorgeous face perfectly. Red stains her lips and her eye make-up is dark and perfectly done. Long, slim legs are encased in skin tight jeans that hug everything perfectly and her torso is being hugged by a tight, white camisole. Her arms arm encased in a light brown, thick, Aztec patterned cardigan that falls a few inches below her perfect ass. Adorning her feet are a pair of brown, leather, lace-up riding boots that come up to just below her knees. She looks stunning. A pang shoots through my chest.

My inner musings are interrupted when she opens her full lips and begins to speak.

"Good morning, guys." She begins and laughs when all she gets is mumbled good mornings in response. God that laugh. "Yeah, I'm feeling the Monday morning blues too."

She walks over to the board and begins to write in her elegant cursive and I sigh before pulling out the bottle of water from this morning. I crack open the cap and bring it to my lips, chugging down half in about 10 seconds flat, reveling in the relief that it gives my growling stomach. I feel my eyes growing heavy from lack of sleep and before I know it I'm laying my head down on my desk and dozing off.

"Bella!" My head immediately jerks up and I'm greeted by the sight of Rosalie standing in front of me with her arms folded and her eyebrow raised. My cheeks burn red in embarrassment as I listen to the snickers of the rest of the class.

Mature.

"Damn, Jazz. You wore her out that much last night? My man!" Is what one of the jocks next to Jasper childishly calls out. I only have a second to process the anger on Rosalie's face before I'm whipping around in my seat to face the asshole who said that. I see Jasper smack him in the arm and look at him with a serious expression on his face, bu tit does nothing to placate me.

"Oh, fuck you, asshole." I exclaim and the class laughs at my choice of words. "Everyone knows that you talk all that shit to make up for your tiny, limp dick!"

I finish my sentence with a sarcastic smile and a middle finger and I feel some amusement under my extreme irritation at his red, agitated face at the class' heated 'Ooh's'. Before he can respond, Rosalie's voice rings throughout the room.

"Charles, principals office. Now." She states calmly, but the authority and irritation is clear in her tone. She walks over to the door while he begrudgingly packs up his stuff and opens it wide open for him. Once he's out she speaks again. "Isabella, hallway."

She waits patiently as I stand up from my seat and I immediately grab onto the desk for support discreetly and close my eyes at the massive head rush that hits me. Once it ends I open my eyes to see that no one has noticed, since everyone has gone back to their work, except for one person. Rosalie's eyes burn into me and I can sense the intense concern swimming inside them. I walk towards the door quickly and brush past her and into the hallway, leaning against the lockers next to the door. I hear her tell everyone she'll be back in a minute before she joins me in the hallway. I rotate my body so the my back is leaning against the locker, instead of my shoulder, and I'm facing the opposite row of lockers. Effectively avoiding looking at Rosalie.

"You want to tell me what that was in there?" She asks calmly and I roll my eyes towards the ceiling.

"That was me sticking up for myself. He started it. I ended it." I say simply, as I begin to take in the details of the lockers. Their blue paint is beginning to peel and I can't make out some of their numbers anymore, but I know that they're in the four hundreds.

"I don't tolerate language like that in my classroom." She says factually. "You have lunch detention with me today."

"Are you kidding me?" I ask exasperatedly, placing my hands over my eyes and then muttering to myself, "As if I don't already see enough of you."

"I'm flattered, really." She responds sarcastically, obviously having heard me. "I don't know where this nasty attitude of yours is coming from, but I won't tolerate the disrespect. Any problems you have with me personally should automatically be left at the door when you enter my classroom. I'm not bringing negative feelings about you with me to work because this is my job. I like to maintain something called professionalism while I'm here and I'd really appreciate it if you did the same. You're here, in school, to learn from me. No more, no less. If you care about passing this class, then I suggest you get it together and sort your life out because skipping class because you have a personal problem with me isn't damaging my grade." And with that she turns on her heel and walks back into the room. I sigh frustratedly as I realize her words are completely right and I take a deep breath before re-entering the classroom. I take a seat at my desk and begrudgingly pull out my notebook and begin to take notes, trying my best to catch up with Rosalie's lesson.

The bell eventually rings and I sigh in relief and gather my things hastily and standing from my chair slowly and cautiously, just in case I get another head rush. Once I'm finally in the clear I begin to walk out of the classroom, but before I reach the door I feel a hand on my arm, abruptly stopping me. I whip my head around and to see Jasper staring at me with pleading eyes.

"No." I say firmly while tugging my arm out of his grip. "Don't talk to me until you can decide who the fuck you want to be. You're either nice to me or you're an asshole to me. Pick one because I'm done putting up with your shit."

With that, I turn and walk swiftly out of the classroom and away from a conflicted Jasper.

Xx

Gym today is hell. Our teacher is having us run a mandatory mile. Four laps outside on the school's track isn't something I think my body can handle right now. I already feel like I'm going to pass and die at any moment, yet I still find myself getting changed for the mile. On my way out to the track I pass Lauren and Jessica, who avoid any eye-contact with me, causing me to smirk and wave cheekily at them.

The class gathers at the starting point on the track and I join them begrudgingly and wait for the signal for us to start running, starting to jog once she gives it.

About two minutes I literally feel like my chest is caving in on me and my legs are going to collapse at any minute, but only after my dizzy head falls off of my shoulders. I slow my run, but refuse to stop running in fear of looking weak around my other classmates. I can almost hear the hurtful words that would come spewing out of their mouths. 'Look at the fat kid, can't even run a mile' or 'Goodness, why the hell is she so out of shape?'. Yeah, fuck that.

All of a sudden I find myself seeing the track sideways and from a lower perspective. I realize that I've collapsed and I go to push myself up and my arms fail me. I try again and my arms then decide to cooperate. I sit up and close my eyes at the terrible head rush that's consuming me. My hands come up to my eyes and rub at them roughly. I hear the sound of running footsteps approaching and then stop next to me.

"Shit, Bella." I hear Lauren Mallory's voice next to me and I open my eye to see her kneeling next me gazing at me with cautious and concerned eyes.

"I'm fine." I say as I push myself slowly up off of the ground and glare at her.

"Yeah, of course, because passing out after a lap and a half on the track is completely fucking normal." She replies with attitude. I roll my eyes at her and go to continue running when she grabs my arm and stops me. "I can see what you're doing to yourself. Don't take it too far."

"Oh, that's rich coming from you." I say with a humorless laugh while yanking my arm out of her grip and taking a few steps back. "Don't try to switch up now, Lauren. You helped plant the seeds now you've got to sit back and watch them grow. What's the matter?" I say with a faux confused face as I watch her face take on a sad look. "Don't want to watch your handiwork?"

And with that I take off running and finish out the rest of my mile. Leaving Lauren behind to struggle with her own guilt.

Xx

I sigh tiredly as I make my way towards Rosalie's classroom during lunch. This day has been complete shit. I'm tired and irritable and I just want to go home and curl up in my bed.

When I reach Rosalie's classroom I knock lightly, entering when I hear her yell for me to enter. I walk in and shut the door behind me before walking over to my seat and basically throwing myself into it. I place my head down on my arms and close my eyes, fully intending on sleeping through my lunch detention and both student aiding periods.

"Well, hello to you too." I hear Rosalie mutter quietly and I don't bother trying to muster up enough energy to respond. "Believe it or not you aren't here to sleep, Bella."

I simply ignore her and try to allow myself to drift off into a desperately needed nap. I hear the wheels of her chair roll on the floor and then her heels getting closer to me.

"I'm worried about you lately, Bella." She says and I can hear the concern in her voice. I nearly scoff as I take in her words. I begrudgingly lift my head and push my hair out of my face, glaring at her.

"Oh, but that's not in your job description, remember?" I gasp sarcastically with a bitter, sarcastic smile on my face. She rolls her eyes at my words.

"Please stop with the attitude." She says quietly and calmly, as if I'm not being a complete bitch to her. "I'm just trying to help."

"That isn't your job either, you aren't my girlfriend anymore." I say bitterly while leaning back in my seat and raising my eyebrow at her challengingly.

"And whose fault is that?" She shoots back, leaning back on her desk and arching her eyebrow at me, with just as much sass. "Look, B... I've been speaking to Courtney and-"

"You've been speaking to Courtney?!" I cut her off quickly. What the hell? What have they been doing? Exchanging observational notes about my life? "You have no right to do that!"

"I have every right." She states calmly as I glare at her heatedly. "Despite what you're going through I know that this-" She motions her hand between us. "isn't over. Which is exactly why I'm not stressing over whether or not you're claiming me as your girlfriend right now. You seem to forget that I know you, Bella. Better than anyone. I know that you run when you get scared. I know that you'd sacrifice your own happiness if you thought it would make someone you love happy and okay." Her electric blue eyes lock mine in a heated gaze. "I love you, Bella. I love you more than anything and I'm not going to let you push me away because you think it's better for me or what ever else is running through that gorgeous head. I promised I was going to help you through this and I will. Whether it be through Courtney and those around you or through you directly."

I feel my eyes watering as I listen to Rosalie speak and I hate the fact that she knows me so well. I hate the fact that she's right. "You don't know what you're talking about."

"We both know that's a lie." She says gently and quietly. Before I can reply I hear my phone begin to vibrate in my bag and I dig inside and pull it out. A picture of Alice and I standing with our arms wrapped around each other smiling is displayed on the screen and I smile before pressing the 'Answer' button.

"Hey, Ally." I say with a smile and I can feel Rosalie glaring at me, but I simply ignore her and focus on my phone call.

"Hey, Belly. I know you're in lunch right now so I figured I'd call you." She says with a laugh, knowing that I hate when she calls me that. I groan at her and decide not to comment on her terrible choice of nickname. "Guess what I'm doing tonight?"

"Coming over and keeping me company?" I ask, silently pleading that she will. I really don't want to be alone tonight. I know Courtney won't be home and I hate being in that huge house by myself lately.

"Do you need me to?" She asks slowly and I can tell she's concerned. Rosalie has now moved back to her desk and has started on whatever paperwork was sitting on it waiting for her.

"Well what were you planning on doing?"

"I have a date." She says and before can continue I quickly cut her off.

"Please, tell me it's not with Jasper." I say as I scrunch my face up in disgust at the thought of my best friend going anywhere with him right now.

"I wish." She says with a laugh and I smile sadly at the truth behind that. Jasper's a dumb ass for not realizing how amazing Alice is. "It's with this guy Max. He plays football."

"Of course he does." I say with a laugh. "You're such a typical cheerleader. Why not date a normal guy or someone who plays like tennis or some shit?"

"Because the balls in tennis aren't big enough." She says slyly and I burst into a fit of giggles. I see Rosalie's head look up at me and a smile makes its way onto her face as she takes in the state that I'm in. I look away quickly.

"You're disgusting." I say, still giggling slightly.

"No, but seriously. Do you need me to come over tonight? I know you saw Rosalie today. How was that?" Yes, Alice knows about Rosalie and I. Everything about Rosalie and I. Including the fact the she is my teacher. I don't care that I've only known Alice for about a month, I trust her with my life, quite literally. The night of my break up with Rosalie I spilled everything to her, sans what happened with Charlie, and she bared no judgment. Another reason why I love Alice. I think we've gotten so close so fast because we're both going through things and have been through things. She's my best friend.

"I'll tell you how it was when I'm not in her presence." I say as I glance up at Rosalie as I say that and her head snaps up and her eyes narrow curiously at me. I look away.

"Awkward." Alice says in a sing-song voice and I chuckle at her. "But seriously, do you want me to come over tonight? You know I will."

"I know you will, but you don't have to. Go have fun with Matt-"

"Max."

"Whatever." I say with a small smile. "Go and have fun. Forget about Jasper and have a great time with Mark-"

"Max." She sing into the phone and I laugh at her annoyance.

"Whatever." I laugh. "I'm not going to kill myself if you're gone for more than five minutes. Go fuck, Marvin-"

"Max!"

"-and have a great time. I'll be fine." I finish with a giggle.

"Whatever, whore. Lunch is almost over so I'll call or text you later. Love you."

"Love you too. Bye." I end the call on my phone and avoid Rosalie's intense stare that I can feel on me. I preoccupy myself by checking my messages and I sigh loudly at what I find there.

3 new messages.

I open the first one which is from Courtney and bite my lip at what's it says.

I'm not going to be home tonight, hon. I have some work and such that I need to finish at the office. Be safe and call me if you need anything. I love you.

Why is she lying to me? I heard her on the phone with Andrew this morning. She clearly said that they were 'still on for tonight' so why not just be honest with me? If she didn't want to be around me all she had to do was say so.

I continue biting my lip as I text Courtney back with a quick 'okay' and open the next text from Jasper.

You know my friends are assholes. I'm sorry I told them about us having sex. Can we just talk?

I immediately delete the message and roll my eyes at his bullshit. I've heard this from Jasper so many times before. All I am is a piece of ass to him. He just wants to fuck me and brag about it to friends. In his eyes that's appearantly all I have to offer him. Never mind friendship.

I open up the last text and see that it's from Renee.

I've given you more than enough time to get over whatever ill feelings you hold against me. We need to talk. I'm coming to get you this weekend.

Fuck her. I exit my messages and lock my phone before burying my face in my hands in frustration. I just feel so overwhelmed and alone. I feel like everything I've been trying to build up over the last few months is crashing. My step-mother doesn't want to be around me, someone who I thought was my friend has been trying to use me, I broke up with the only person who gave a fuck about me and my mother is a grade A bitch. I don't even know where to begin to try and make this better.

"Everything okay?" I hear Rosalie's voice ask me and I nod my head and wipe my eyes before standing up and grabbing my bag.

"I think I'm just going to go to the nurse. I'm not feeling well." I lie as I walk towards the door and open it, basically running out before she can say anything.

I don't go to the nurse. I quickly make my way outside to the parking lot before jumping in my car and starting the engine. I pull out of the lot and just start driving. I reach over and turn on the radio and John Legend's voice begins to pour through the speakers.

My head's underwater
But I'm breathing fine
You're crazy and I'm out of my mind

I find myself singing along with his soothing voice as I drive towards a familiar place.

Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you
You're my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I'm winning
Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you, oh

I pull into the familiar clearing and just sit in my car, staring around at the thick trees that surround me. I open the door and get out of the car, the soothing music still reaching my ears as I walk towards the middle of the clearing. Memories of Rosalie and I assault me the further I walk into the clearing. I feel my eyes being to water and my tears spill over and race down my face.

How many times do I have to tell you
Even when you're crying you're beautiful too
The world is beating you down, I'm around through every mood
You're my downfall, you're my muse
My worst distraction, my rhythm and blues

I can't stop singing, it's ringing, in my head for you

I begin to sob freely and I fall to the ground in the middle of the clearing. I hate this. I messed everything up with Rosalie and I loved her. What is wrong with me?

I let out a piercing ear shattering scream escape me, one that dissolves into even stronger sobs. I can't live like this. I don't want to. I lay back in the grass and close my eyes, letting myself get lost in my thoughts.

When I open my eyes next the first thing I notice is that it's dark outside. I sit up and look around me and realize that I've probably been laying in the clearing for hours. I pull my phone out of my pocket and sigh when I see that I have no missed calls or texts. No one cared that I was missing for hours.

I stand shakily and stretch out my limbs before walking over to my car and climbing inside my car driving towards my empty house. I pull into the driveway, leaving the gate open behind me because I'm too lazy to lock it, and climb out of my car. I approach my large house and unlock the front door, stepping through the front door and closing it behind me, not bothering to lock it.

Once I'm in my bedroom I strip out of my clothes and walk into my closet to change. I pull on plain, black Nike Pro spanks and tie-dyed t-shirt. I also pull on some socks, knowing how cold my room could get at night.

I re-enter my room and grab my phone and plug it into my iHome. I scroll through my songs before deciding on a new one by Beyonce. I press the repeat button before climbing into my bed and trying to relax. I fail. My thoughts are raging and I can't seem to quiet them.

Mama said, you're a pretty girl
What's in your head, it doesn't matter
Brush your hair, fix your teeth
What you wear is all that matters
Just another stage, pageant the pain away
This time I'm gonna take the crown
Without falling down, down

My tears have started falling already and I can't tell when it started. All I can feel is the pain in my chest as I think about all the people I've lost.

Pretty hurts, shine the light on whatever's worse
Perfection is a disease of a nation, pretty hurts, pretty hurts
Pretty hurts, shine the light on whatever's worse
Trying to fix something but you can't fix what you can't see
It's the soul that needs the surgery

Rosalie. Jasper. Renee. Courtney. Charlie. And sooner or later I'll lose Alice too. I don't want to go through that.

Blonder hair, flat chest
TV says bigger is better
South beach, sugar free
Vogue says thinner is better
Just another stage
Pageant the pain away
This time I'm gonna take the crown
Without falling down, down, down

Pretty hurts, shine the light on whatever's worse
Perfection is a disease of a nation, pretty hurts, pretty hurts (Pretty hurts)
Pretty hurts (pretty hurts), shine the light on whatever's worse
Trying to fix something but you can't fix what you can't see
It's the soul that needs the surgery

Ain't got no doctor, no computer can take the pain away
The pain's inside and nobody frees you from your body
It's the soul, it's the soul that needs surgery
It's my soul that needs surgery

Plastic smiles and denial can only take you so far
And you break when the paper sign leaves you in the dark
You left a shattered mirror and the shards of a beautiful girl

Pretty hurts, shine the light on whatever's worse (pretty hurts)
Perfection is a disease of a nation, pretty hurts, pretty hurts
Pretty hurts, shine the light on whatever's worse
Trying to fix something but you can't fix what you can't see
It's the soul that needs the surgery

When you're alone all by yourself
And you're lying in your bed
Reflection stares right into you
Are you happy with yourself
It's just a way to masquerade
The illusion that's been shed
Are you happy with yourself?
Are you happy with yourself?

By the time the song is coming to a close I'm standing in my bathroom with the door locked with a bottle of Courtney's sleeping pills in my hand. I can't do this anymore. I've watching it all fall apart for way too long. I'm done watching and I'm done trying to fix it. There's obviously something that I'm doing wrong. Maybe this was meant to be all along. I can hear the song start up again in my bedroom and I sigh as the words wash over me. She's right pretty does hurt. I'm not enough. I'll never be enough. So, why am I still trying? Exactly. I'm done.

I fill the glass on my bathroom counter up with water and I place it down gingerly before opening the bottle.

The music in my room suddenly stops and I turn my head towards the bathroom door quickly.

"Bella?" Shit. Alice. What the fuck? Why is she here? Why isn't she on her date? "Bella, I know you're here. Your car is in the driveway."

The knob on the bathroom door suddenly jingles and then I hear a knock at the door and I see the shadow of Alice's feet at the bottom of the door. "Bella? Open the door."

I suddenly let out a sob at the worry in her voice. Worry that I put there. All the more reason for me to do this. Alice shouldn't have to worry about me too, she has her own to deal with. But I'm sure Alice will get through them, she's strong.

"Bella?! Please open the door, you're scaring me." I hear the fear in her voice and I frown at that.

"I'm really sorry, Alice. I love you so much and you're my best friend, but I have to do this." I sob out to her as I pour the pills in my hand, the pills make noise as they pour into my hand and out of the bottle.

"Oh my god, Bella. Please stop." Alice sobs out on the other side of the door, completely hysterical at this point. I hear her footsteps fade away from the door before I hear her fumbling with something. I listen for about 10 more minutes and I hear her speaking frantically to someone before her voice fades. I assume she's left so I turn my attention back to the task at hand. I close my hand into a fist and begin transferring the pills into my left hand, counting them out.

23.

23 pills.

I decide, judging by their size, that I won't be able to get down more than three at a time. I take a deep shaky breath and place three on my tongue before picking up the glass of water and swallowing. I feel the tears fall when I realize that this is really happening.

20 pills.

I place three more on my tongue before picking up the glass of water on swallowing again.

I hear hurried footsteps getting closer and I panic and place three more on my tongue and swallow them dry, wincing at the feeling of them traveling down my throat.

17 pills.

Hurried banging suddenly resounds throughout the bathroom and I jump in surprise before looking at the door cautiously. I hurriedly place 3 more pills into my mouth.

14 pills.

"Bella?!" My heart jumps into my throat at the sound of Rosalie's voice on the other side of the door. "Please open the door, sweetheart!"

What the fuck? Why is she here?

"Bella, please answer me!" Her voice is frantic and hysterical and I think she might be crying. I hear her say something to who I assume is Alice before the door knob begins to jiggle. I hear the lock click and the door flies open and Rosalie and Alice are standing there, both with red eyes and tears streaming down their faces.

I panic and shove all the remaining pills into my my mouth, some falling to the floor in the process. Rosalie lunges forward and uses on hand to grab my arm and uses the other to drab my jaw in a vice grip and begins to squeeze it. Hard.

"Spit them out!" She yells at me as I struggle to get out of her grip and swallow the pills. I begin to choke and my eyes water even more, blurring my vision severely. I feel Rosalie turn my back towards her body and wrap her left arm arm my torso tightly, effectively trapping my struggling arms against my sides. She forces us both to our knees in front of the toilet and squeezes my jaw even harder. I can her Alice's sobs in the background. "Spit them out now, Bella or I swear I'll call an ambulance!"

That's the worst option there is. They'll put me on suicide watch. They'll think I'm crazy. No. Not happening.

I spit the pills I have into my mouth into the toilet and try and yank my face from Rosalie's grasp, but she holds on firmly.

"No! We aren't done! You've swallowed some, I know you have because the glass on the sink has been drunk from! I'm not stupid, Bella! You're not going to die!" Her voice is firm and loud, but I can hear that she's getting extremely choked up, yet I can't bring myself to give in. I begin to struggle against her twice as hard.

"Get off!" I scream loudly and piercingly as I struggle. Her grip doesn't even falter. "Get off of me! You're ruining everything! Get off!"

"Bella!" I hear Alice call out tearfully from her spot at the bathroom door and I just tune her out and continue fighting against Rosalie.

"Stop!" Rosalie screams tearfully, her voice cracking as she tries to restrain me.

All of a sudden her efforts double and she grabs me by my jaw and forces me over the toilet, before I can even think about struggling she's sticking her fingers down my throat, interrupting my screams and causing me to gag. After a few more tries I throw up into the toilet. I throw all the pills. I throw up my ticket out of here.

As soon as Rosalie is sure that I've thrown up everything, she dries her hand on a towel, all the while still holding onto me, and then flushes the toilet. She lets me go and I immediately turn around begin hitting her in the chest repeatedly. She just pulls me into her chest despite my blows and begins to cry hysterically into my hair. I can see Alice sitting in the doorway with her face buried in her hands, sobbing and I move my eyes away from her form, knowing that I caused that.

"I hate you!" I scream at Rosalie as I continue to struggle. She doesn't react, she just continues to sob into me.

"I love you." She chokes out and that only makes me scream and sob louder.

"I hate you!" I scream piercingly as my struggle dies down out of absolute exhaustion. Rosalie just pulls me tighter to her and continues to sob.

"I love you." And she repeats it, sobbing it like a mantra in my hair until I stop struggling and break down against her. Sobbing in earnest.

Review.

Oh my goodness. This chapter is a monster. Longest one yet. Very emotional. I don't know how I feel about it yet. I just sat down yesterday and it just came pouring out. I hope you guys like it and if you don't that's cool too. Just let me know in your review. This isn't beta'd and from the part in the clearing until the end isn't proofread because I was so excited to post. Expect another one before Christmas and please please please TELL ME WHAT YOU GUYS WANT TO SEE. I know the general direction that I'm heading with this but I want to know what you guys want too so I can see what I can incorporate. Again, please don't hate me.