Author's Note: The "Owner's Guide" format has been used by a lot of authors, I don't claim to have come up with the concept! Likewise I don't claim to own any part of Supernatural, this work is strictly for entertainment!
Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manuel for CROWLEY
Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of the CROWLEY unit! To get the most out of the snarky King of Hell, read the following instructions.
Name: Crowley. Use nickname "Lucky the Leprechaun" at your own risk. Possible alias: Fergus Roderick McCleod.
Age: Thousands of years old, but then again who knows? Age of the meatsuit estimated at around 49 years old.
Length: "Double digits" indeed.
Your CROWLEY comes with the following accessories:
Four classy-as-hell black suits, complete with shirts, genuine leather shoes and a variety of complimentary ties.
One angel blade.
One angel killing gun.
One iPhone, to record those special deal-sealing kisses.
One Hellhound, affectionately nicknamed "Growley".
Three bottles of "Craig, aged at least thirty years (to keep your CROWLEY unit happy we recommend you stock up on more).
Powers and Abilities:
The CROWLEY unit is the King of Hell and the Crossroads, he possesses a wide range of demonic powers which he may choose to use against or for you. For your own safety, be cautious when removing your CROWLEY unit from his box.
Super Strength: The CROWLEY can kill a hive of demons and break down steel doors.
Super Stamina: The CROWLEY can remain physically active infinitely. He rarely needs to sleep, so is an excellent companion to the insomniac user.
Teleportation: The CROWLEY can teleport himself and others over great distances with ease, so there'll be no more waiting in line at the cinema!
Pyrokinesis: The CROWLEY can manipulate fire - handy at dinner, but be careful if you own SAM, DEAN, or CASTIEL units.
Torture: The CROWLEY is a master-torturer. It is NOT recommended that the user owns both a CROWLEY and SAMANDRIEL unit at once, as the CROWLEY is fond of torturing the angel unit for fun.
Your Crowley has been programmed with a number of useful modes, each designed to maximise your own benefit and pleasure:
Kissing Partner: As a crossroads demon the CROWLEY unit is well experienced in kissing, and will be more than happy to oblige you in long make-out sessions. Caution: Be sure you haven't agreed to any kind of deal before kissing the CROWLEY unit, as this may lead to the loss of your soul.
Personal Shopper: Let's face it, the CROWLEY unit looks good. He will be happy to answer any question you have about fine tailoring, and will even assist you in shopping for suits! Note: The CROWLEY unit has a preference for black.
Asshole Repellent: CROWLEY units are hardwired for battles of both body and mind. If you've won the favour of your unit he will repel assholes and other nuisances by scowling, shouting, or beating them round the head with a tire-iron. Note: The manufacturers are not liable in any lawsuit that may occur as a result of the CROWLEY unit.
Your CROWLEY will come with the following modes:
Snarky, sexy bastard (default)
King of Hell (default, but reprogrammable with the help of a CASTIEL unit)
Plotting (almost unreadable in your unit as Cunning mode is activated simultaneously)
The Devil You Know (In this mode the CROWLEY will be playful, mysterious, and even helpful! In this mode your CROWLEY is compatible with most other units)
Angry (difficult to access without help from SAM, DEAN, LUCIFER, MEG, CASTIEL or generic-demon-lackey units)
Two Kings** (locked)
*To unlock this mode you will need to own a BOBBY or CASTIEL unit. Restraining your CROWLEY in a devils trap will give you the time you need to reprogram your unit to Slash mode. Your CROWLEY will then proceed to seduce BOBBY or CASTIEL units with his rapier wit and tantalizing smirk. Note: Some CROWLEY and LUCIFER units have been known to engage in love/hate relationships if both units have Slash mode activated for an extended period of time.
**Activate Two Kings mode in your CROWLEY and LUCIFER units and the two will work together in the harassment and/or eventual destruction of TEAM FREE WILL units. In this mode CROWLEY and LUCIFER units will play backgammon, drink "Craig and demand that you treat them as the Kings they are (this may involve backrubs, idol worship, or sexual favours).
Relations with other units:
The CROWLEY will always do what's best for CROWLEY, so if The Devil You Know and/or Slash modes are deactivated, it's unlikely your CROWLEY will be compatible with other units.
DEAN and SAM: With The Devil You Know mode activated, your CROWLEY unit may be persuaded to ally with DEAN and SAM units against LUCIFER units. Your CROWLEY unit will take great pleasure in taunting, manipulating and being snarky in the general direction of SAM and/or DEAN units. Note: If you overhear your CROWLEY repeating the word "Moose" he has not malfunctioned, but instead developed a rapport with a SAM unit.
CASTIEL: CROWLEY and CASTIEL units do not get along with The Devil You Know and/or Slash modes deactivated. These units will engage in physical fights, one trying to dominate the other. If this happens it is best not to get in their way, or alternatively if Slash mode is activated, the only way they will try to dominate each other is sexually. Note: The CASTIEL unit is always the bottom in the relationship.
BOBBY: The CROWLEY unit will attempt to get and keep hold of the BOBBY units soul by any means possible. Irrespective if Slash mode is active or not, the CROWLEY unit will consistently attempt to kiss the BOBBY and take pictures to show SAM and/or DEAN units later.
LUCIFER: CROWLEY and LUCIFER units will jostle for position as King of Hell until one of both of them have been destroyed. To get around this, activate Two Kings or Slash mode and enjoy a stress-free, incredibly sexy lifestyle with your CROWLEY and LUCIFER.
SAMANDRIEL/MEG/KEVIN: Under no circumstances allow your CROWLEY to interact with SAMANDRIEL, MEG or KEVIN units unless you wish to see him torture them.
Your CROWLEY unit will wash and groom himself. If you wish your CROWLEY to have some gnarly stubble, offer him a kiss or some "Craig. Alternatively allow him to interact with TEAM FREE WILL units long enough and your CROWLEY may grow out a beard all by himself.
CROWLEY units are notoriously seductive and may demand that you undress him, or that he be allowed to watch you take a bath. Play your cards right and the King of Hell might even join you in the tub!
WARNING: the manufacturers are not responsible for any all-consuming, I-must-read-M-rated-fanfiction-for-four-hours lust that may occur as a result of the CROWLEY unit.
Feeding: CROWLEY units demand "Craig, aged at least thirty years, and plenty of it. This unit also enjoy luxury, and may surprise you with expensive dinner dates that end with licking chocolate sauce off of your body.
Rest: CROWLEY units don't need a lot of sleep, but will be content to keep you company through the night. Tip: CROWLEY units like for you to wear silk pyjamas. These units are also especially adept at and enjoy cuddles, and if you have trouble sleeping may sing you a lullaby in the form of "Changes" by David Bowie.
CROWLEY units make excellent lovers, but then you knew that.
Note: If for some reason you go mad and decide that you wish your CROWLEY unit to cease and desist all romantic advances towards you, clearly say the phrase: "Your chocolate's been in my peanut better for far too long."
Frequently Asked Questions:
Q: My CROWLEY unit has wandered off, where is he?
A: In Two Kings mode, CROWLEY units often disappear for hours with LUCIFER units to wreak mayhem upon foolish humans. But don't worry! Your CROWLEY will return to you and you are free to continue fawning over his awesomeness.
Q: Is there a reason my CROWLEY unit wants us to keep watching Battlestar Gallactica?
A: Yes, it's a great show. That's why.
Q: I accidentally sold my soul to my CROWLEY unit, what do I do?
A: Your CROWLEY unit may be persuaded to break your contract. Our tip is to give your unit a lot of compliments and play lots of fetch with Growley the Hellhound. If that doesn't work, lie back and enjoy the next ten years or try to recruit a BOBBY or CASTIEL unit to help you.
Q: My CROWLEY unit keeps going on week-long drunken benders and coming back with BALTHAZAR units! What the hell, are they even programmed to get along!?
A: Demon and Angel units are generally hostile towards one another, however, your CROWLEY unit clearly sees a fellow sexy-snarker in the BALTHAZAR units he brings home. Solution: The next time this happens, keep the BALTHAZAR, you'll find he's very charming and great to party with when your CROWLEY unit has the grumps.
With infinite amounts of love, care and adoration, your CROWLEY will prove to be an excellent lifelong companion. As the King of Hell, he'll make sure you're thoroughly protected. Treat him right and your unit may even pronounce you the Queen! Your CROWLEY will provide you with years of amusement in the form of snarky comments and mindblowing sex. Remember, your CROWLEY unit is a lover, not a fighter, and when you're not with him, you'll damn well want to be.