Disclaimers and such: So, first of all I don't own Spongebob Squarepants. Secondly, this fanfic was never on my to-do list. It just sort of happened. I've always loved Spongebob, even though a lot of people got sick of it and now roll their eyes when I quote it. I'm almost 23 years old and even though it's a kid's show, it was MY kid's show. It came out when I was still just a little youngin and I will love it forever. Well, anyway back to the facts: we all know the strange details of the show (you probably won't be reading this unless you're a fan and already know of such details). Like, the world of Bikini Bottom is underwater, but they still have campfires, electricity, a "beach", and wear clothes. This will make reading and writing this fanfiction all the more easier and enjoyable. Anything goes!

Now, like I said, I never planned to write this crazy thing, so keep in mind I haven't put a whole lot of thought into it either. I don't know what's going to happen, but I'm excited, because I'm just going to let the story unfold and tell itself! One more thing you need to remember though is this fic is going to be more mature, more adult themed, so there'll be curse words and much, much more than that. That's why I'm rating it so highly, so please don't be offended. I'm wingin this thing. The only other little (major) detail to really know is my OC in this is a squid. No, Squidward is technically an Octopus, not a squid. But my OC is and her name is Octavia. Funny, right? Well, I thought it was. Enjoy the show!

OCTOPUS ON TOP

CHAPTER 1

It was 2 a.m. on a Sunday morning and all through Bikini Bottom not a sound was made; not the soft sway of the ocean waves or even a particularly loud snore from a cushy pillow. The fish world was quiet and content. There was no uncontrollable laughter coming from a pineapple, nor the unmistakable sound of a seahorse galloping through the beautiful garden a certain octopus had spent so much time perfecting... At least that's what Squidward kept telling himself.

Maybe if he ignored it or pretended like it wasn't actually happening, maybe then he could get some kind of sleep. Spongebob and Patrick had already been up for 4 hours longer than they should have. Didn't children like them sleep? AT ALL? Given, it was the weekend, but Squidward had to be up early that Sunday for Mr. Krabs. Don't ask him why he even agreed to it. That cheapskate Krabs was exceptionally good at getting him to work extra without the extra pay that was supposed to go with it.

I don't even remember why he said he needed that garden hose... He thought annoyingly to himself, turning over to his side. He could see the glow of Spongebob's house through his window and he glared bitterly from his canopy bed. Why didn't Krabs just ask that little yellow fuck? He'd have gladly gone to the Krusty Krab on his death bed, let alone a Sunday. The only sense this whole situation made was that everyone had it in their head that Squidward's life needed to suck just a little bit more.

The pessimistic octopus flopped to his back again, spreading his tentacles out to each side. This was his life. Maybe it was lack of sleep, but he was feeling the pressure of his existence more than usual on this cold and dark Sunday morning. What he wouldn't give for a little R & R...

"AAHHHH PATRICK IT'S TIPPING OVER! HURRY!"

"Ah crap!"

"PATRICK RUN! AHHHH AHHHH AHHHHHH!"

Squidward slammed a pillow over his face. Please suffocate and kill me, dear sweet pillow. Then he heard a loud crash that shook his windows. One of the framed paintings on his bedroom wall even shuttered and then smashed on the floor.

"DAHAHAHAHA!"

"UHUHUHUHHH!"

Squidward winced at the sound of the annoying laughter and then threw the pillow off his face. It landed beside the shattered frame with a puff of bubbles. He then sprang out of bed and ran to the window before he stuck half his body out and yelled, "WOULD YOU TWO IDIOTS PLEASE SHUT THE HELL UP?!"

The sun was due to rise in just a few hours and with its mocking glory, he'd be sitting in Krabs's office, really wishing it had been his head smashing on the floor and not that painting.

x-x-x

Sleep eventually came, but just briefly, for it seemed the moment Squidward began to dream, day began to break. Somewhere far off he heard the scallops singing in the coral trees just beyond his backyard. He was pulled further from unconsciousness when he imagined them shitting all over the stone walkway that winded through his garden. If it wasn't a bad enough way to wake up, there was also a knock at his door. Squidward instantly felt his anger boil up.

Well, he just couldn't wait, could he? The little yellow cereal box just had to ruin every waking and sleeping moment of his life. Why did he continue to stay here? How many opportunities had he encountered to finally get the hell out of Bikini Bottom (even just off the same street!) and he always found a reason to stay... And it was always one short, annoying, blue eyed reason.

"Stupid Spongebob..." He grumbled, fighting with his covers. He eventually untangled his many legs from the sheets and stomped out of his bedroom. He snatched his robe from the hook by the doorway and jammed his arms into it. The knock came again from his front door. "Maybe a SPONGE only needs to sleep two hours," he yelled down the stairs as he descended them. "But I am a much more complex being and I need several, uninterrupted hours!" He was going to do it this time. He was going to beat the shit out of that little- that little shit! He reached for the handle just as another knock was beating its way through the wood and a fresh wave of infuriation erupted beneath his skin. He swung the door open, almost hitting himself in the face with it, and arched his free fist back.

"SPONGEBOB, YOU RELENTLESS, CARELESS LITTLE-!"

Squidward's trembling arm froze in mid-punch. It wasn't Spongebob at all. It wasn't yellow, short or square. It was tall, thin and... covered in an over-sized sweatshirt that read Shell Shack. Its hood was up, covering what face it might or might not have had.

"Excuse me, if I could just have a moment of your time-" it spoke. Their voice was hoarse, unattractive, pleading... How annoying.

"I don't have time for a beggar right now," Squidward droned, lowering his fist and then bracing himself with it against the doorframe. "Run along now."

"But I just wanted to-" the blue mouth spoke from beneath the hood. It was all he could see.

"Tell ya what, if you're looking for someone who gives a shit, you've got the wrong house," he pointed at the giant pineapple next door. "You want that one." And before the hooded figure could say another word, he slammed the door and locked it. Then he shamefully watched through the peephole, both tentacles pressed against either side of it. Why did everyone want to ruin even the worst days for him?

Go away, go away, go away...

And as if it heard his thoughts, the figure walked away and up to Spongebob's house. It had barely raised a hand to knock (it wasn't a hand, though- looked like something else), when Spongebob, the square-boy-wonder, opened the door. Words were exchanged and the hooded thing went inside. The door closed and all was silent. Squidward leaned back away from the peephole with a sigh. "Thank Neptune," he whispered to the ceiling. "He's Spongebob's problem now."

x-x-x

Eugene Krabs was sitting in his office chair when Squidward slumped in. The look on the octopus's face was that of a child who'd been grounded and was finally hearing what the punishment was going to be. Eugene ignored the look and motioned with a claw for him to sit. The room was dark; just a small seashell lamp was shining on top of the desk. Squidward walked forward, his eyes narrowing at the large, red guy. What was he up to?

"So," Squidward said nasally and sat down. "What the hell did I need to bring this for?" He held up a pile of tangled garden hose.

Mr. Krabs waved his claw again. "That was just to get yeh here, laddie."

Squidward slapped a tentacle to his forehead and clenched his eyes shut. "You've gotta be kidding me," he replied, his voice turning to a pitiful wine. "How do I fall for it every time?!"

"Because yer loyal to me, Mr. Squidward," the red fellow said softly.

The octopus looked up, dropping his rubbery limb back into his lap. "What's with you, Krabs? Why do you say it like that?"

Eugene looked down at his desk. "I don't wanna tell yeh."

Squidward hopped up from his chair. "Oh no, don't say that," he snapped. "I know what this is about."

"Eheheh you do?" Mr. Krabs asked nervously. "I guess you saw right through me, eh?"

"MIS-TER-KRABS," Squidward pleaded, getting down on his knees. "For the love of King Neptune DO NOT MAKE SPONGEBOB ASSISTANT MANAGER."

His boss looked back at him in confusion. "What the hell yeh talkin about?" He asked. "Get up, yer makin a fool outta yerself!"

Squidward stared blankly back at him for a moment, while he felt the color in his cheeks begin to darken. "Um..." He replied, standing up. "Then what's this about? What do you not want to tell me?"

"I'm makin YOU assistant manager!"

The words echoed through the small room. Squidward didn't move. His body was frozen in front of the desk that his employer sat behind, staring back at him with surprising remorse showing on his red face.

"Me?" the lazy employee spoke with such astonishment it surprised even him. "But why me-?"

"And actually," Mr. Krabs continued, looking down at his desk again. He swallowed several times. "I'm making you the owner of the Krusty Krab."

Squidward flopped back into his chair, his legs suddenly too weak to hold him. What the hell was going on? Krabs giving up his title? Giving away the restaurant? And why to him? Given, he didn't want to work under the little, yellow weirdo, but he at least cared about his job. Squidward would have left to another job, if not for... that same square reason...

"But why?" he demanded. "Why are you just handing over the restaurant? Is this a joke?"

"I don't joke about my business."

"Then what are you doing? I can't run this place-"

"I have to leave for a while, Squidward."

He was stunned to silence once more. He glanced at the walls, which he'd only just noticed were missing a few pictures of Pearl. "Mr. Krabs..." He said slowly. "What's going on?"

The owner of the Krusty Krab looked back at the scared, little octopus in front of him and shook his head. "Can't tell yeh that," he replied quietly, but firmly. "I'll be back after a while, maybe. You'll be fine. The restaurant isn't all that hard to run."

"But why me?" He blurted. "You know I hate this place! Spongebob would sleep upstairs in the loft every night with the mold and the spiders if he could! He loves this place! Give it to HIM! He knows everything about it!"

"I can't..." Eugene Krabs replied gravely, standing up. "And I think you know why."

Squidward watched him walk to the vault, turn the combination and then take a large bag out of it. He swung it over his shoulder and then turned back to face his former employee, whom now was merely his friend.

"But-but... Mr. Krabs, come on," Squidward began. "I know he gets a little over-whelmed sometimes. He's a people pleaser and wants everyone to get along and blah blah, but he's better for this job than I am!"

"HE IS NOT!" Eugene belted, his face even redder than usual. "I can't risk him having an episode like last time! The Krusty Krab needs to be looked after with a level head and I don't want Spongebob to... to have his spirit broken."

"Denying him this position will break his spirit," Squidward said bitterly, getting up from his chair.

"Maybe," Eugene said briskly, fastening the bag to his back and strapping it across his chest. Then he walked to Squidward and leaned in close to his face. "But his failure to please every unsatisfied customer who walks through that office door will break him as a person. He will never be the same again. I can't do that to the boy and you can't either, so don't do it."

Easy for you to say. He thought to himself. Spongebob is gonna hate me.

"Sure," Squidward mumbled and then turned for the door.

"One more thing," he heard the crab say and he reluctantly turned around once more. He stared into the golden glimmer of the "KK" key. "You'll need this, bucko."

Squidward took the Krusty Krab Restaurant key from Eugene Krabs with a grunt and then left the building, intent on going back home and straight to bed. He heard Krabs say one more thing before the door shut behind him: "Don't let his spirit break."

"Feh," Squidward glared at the key in his hand and jammed it into his shirt pocket. Then he got in his boatmobile and began to drive home.

x-x-x

"Stupid canned bread."

He was sitting in his boat. He'd been there for an hour and a half, waiting for Spongebob to go back inside, but he just kept standing there talking and talking. He shouldn't have stopped at the market, but he thought if he'd stayed out a little longer, Spongebob would have gone out somewhere; he wouldn't have to face him. But there he was, skipping out of his pineapple the moment after Squidward pulled up. Now here he was, ducking down, with all four of his legs cramping and being forced to watch the little, square dude babble continuously at this other creature that was laughably out of his league.

She was tall and wonderfully blue and spectacularly limbed with four legs like his... She hadn't turned around, though. He couldn't see her face, just the long tendrils of her teal hair. Squidward's eyes traveled from the top of her head down the curves of her body and to the ground where her tentacled feet rested. Oh praise Neptune, it was another Octopus.

She just stood there, listening to yellow boy's jabber. Hopefully she wasn't out of her mind.. or ugly, since she hadn't turned around yet. Squidward waited in anticipation for the reveal of this said face. And all the while Spongebob laughed and made shapes with his hands and jumped around. Man he was annoying. How'd he come to be talking with this girl anyway? There was no boatmobile around or a bike. Did he just pick her up at the park or what-

"HI SQUIDWARD!"

"AAAIIIIIEEEE!" Squidward screamed and jumped clean out of his boat, landing hard on the sandy driveway. "Patrick! What the hell is wrong with you?!" He yelled at the pink starfish standing at the side of his boatmobile.

"I dunno," Patrick replied with a grin and a shrug. Then he walked away.

"Grrrr!" Squidward grumbled from his spot on the sand and dusted himself off. There was a silence in the air after that. He couldn't even hear Spongebob's incessant chatter anymore. He suddenly sucked in his breath, remembering it all again. He looked up just as a pair of crystal blue eyes were meeting his yellow ones.

"Squidward!" Spongebob cried, his eyes practically shining with tears. "Are you alright?!"

He felt his chin shudder just in the slightest. "I'm just f-!"

"Yeah, asshole. Are you alright?"

Squidward stopped dead in his sentence and looked past the blue eyes and connected instead with the green ones behind him. So that's what her face looked like... Damn it, she was prettier than he'd expected. And she was now staring at him like he was the very last person in the ocean that she wanted to see. And for what?!

"Hey!" He stood up and pushed past Spongebob. "Who the hell are you calling an asshole?!"

"Squidward, stop it!" Spongebob yelled after him.

"And you just push your friends aside, too," the blue creature observed, crossing long delicate arms over a full chest. She had a white t-shirt on that seemed much too small for her frame and brown shorts that seemed possibly even smaller, as they tried to conceal a finely shaped behind. "And you have a staring problem. How does anyone put up with you?"

Squidward's eyes trailed all over her body and now they came to rest on the lips which were speaking such bitter words from such a lovely voice. Those lips sure looked familiar...

x-x-x

A/N: Please review! It would mean a lot!