We were all in the Third Music Room, when suddenly, Tamaki tripped into me. The next thing I knew, we were both on the ground and I was straddling Tamaki. That's when this all started. If it weren't for that little accident, I may never have known about my feelings for him. Because as I was hovering over him, I realized how pretty his eyes were, and how nice it felt to have him pressed against me.
I knew I should get up, but I found myself unable to move, trapped as I was in Tamaki's eyes. I was only able to move when a questioning look came into his eyes. I got up and composing myself. Once I thought I was good enough, I helped Tamaki up as he apologized.
"It's fine Tamaki," I said, "It's not like you intended to crash into me." I said and he nodded while he laughed.
I left soon after, claiming I had homework that needed to be done, and although I did, I didn't do it. When I got home, I simply sat down and thought about what had happened. That's not normal… one doesn't simply have thoughts like that about their best friend…. Maybe I'm just overworked… yeah that's it!
The next few days passed in a flash, and the next thing I knew, we were all heading for the beach. I'd spent all of the time over those days planning this trip- trying to distract myself from my thoughts. I didn't want to think about what I may or may not be feeling for Tamaki. I also didn't want to think about the signs that I liked Tamaki- like when I did something outlandish just for him, like the trip I was planning right now…
Once we were at the beach, we all went our separate ways. I mainly did what I always did- I calculated funds and made sure everyone was still focusing on their guests. However, there was one problem- I couldn't' seem to stop staring at Tamaki. He just looks so- No! I can't think about him like this, I'm just suffering from temporary insanity. So let's just say I found it hard to get done as much as I would have liked to.
Then the whole fiasco with Haruhi had happened. I don't think I'd ever seen him so worried about anything. At dinner he asked me to show him to his room, but I knew that was code for 'I need to talk.'
Once we were in his room, he let his guard down, "How could she do that?! She put herself on the line with that stupid stunt! And she's acting like it's no big deal! I can't- I mean- Gah!" He said and sat down on his bed in a huff.
I shrugged, "Maybe she just wasn't thinking? Or perhaps she has no sense of self preservation?" I suggested and had to bite my tongue from saying 'maybe she hates you and wanted to spite you.' I knew that wouldn't help the situation.
He sighed, "Maybe you're right, but still. I hate that she's acting like it was no big deal, as if her life means nothing to us."He shook his head.
I could tell he didn't really want to talk anymore, so I told him he could find me in my room if he needed me. Once back in my room, I decided to take a shower, to get rid of the salt from the sea spray. Just a few minutes after exiting the bathroom, Haruhi ran in and I could hear her throwing up. Must have had too much crab… I thought as I got dressed.
It was when she came back in the room that I came up with the idea. Maybe if I pin her to the bed, then all of my silly thoughts about Tamaki will go away because then I can prove that I am not Gay… It sounded like a logical idea so I followed through. Only problem is that it didn't work. It simply confirmed that I was gay… When she was beneath me I didn't feel a thing, I was actually somewhat disgusted… I didn't know what to do with this new information except get off her. As I was walking out of my room Tamaki came in asking for lotion. I knew what he'd think had been going on and this time I allowed myself to feel the pain coming from my heart as I thought about him and Haruhi.
I wandered for a while, soon finding the others still in the dining room. Kaoru came over, "Where are Haruhi and Tamaki…. What's wrong Kyoya?" He asked. I just stared blankly at him, "You look like someone just killed your dog…"
Really? I can't even tell… I can't really feel my face… I tried to smile, but I don't think it worked, "It's nothing. They are in my room right now."
"What are they doing?" he asked as thunder struck.
"I don't know Kaoru." I said tiredly as Hikaru, Mori, and Hunny walked over.
"They are alone in your room in the dark?" Kaoru asked. I nodded and suddenly everyone was running down the hall,
"She's with Tamaki, nothing will happen." I tried to tell them over and over, but they wouldn't listen. It only got worse when we opened the door to find Tamaki on the floor with Haruhi who had her eyes and ears covered. Well this is a site that I wish I had never seen…
A while later the Lobelia girls showed up. I knew it would be entertaining as soon as they showed up. I had expected a visit from them, but it turned out differently than I expected. I felt like all of my hopes of anything on this planet were crushed when I heard Tamaki say that it was wrong for two women to be together- that's why god made Adam and EVE. Great, no possible way for him to be bi now then… I sighed feeling rather sad, but I still helped Tamaki with his plan of dressing us all up as girls- no matter how much I didn't want to…
Then not long after that, I got a call from Tamaki, "Kyoya, I need your help."
"What is it Tamaki?"
"Kyoya…." What could it be? He's acting more nervous than I've ever heard, "I… could you find me Haruhi's address?"
I should have guessed that it's about her… nonetheless I found myself talking without conscious decision, "Of course, no problem Tamaki." I hung up then, feeling a pain in my chest. It's amazing how much he can hurt me without trying or even knowing what he's doing…
Not long after we were at her house with the whole gang in tow. Maybe if we're all here nothing will happen between them… However, as soon as we got there, I realized that was just wishful thinking. Not even Ranka-san could deter it, they got closer and I felt myself sink deeper into depression. Depression that no one saw.
Later on that year, I got another call from Tamaki. I found myself thinking that no matter what this was about I was happy, because at least Tamaki was calling me- that is until I remembered that almost all conversations we had were about Haruhi.
Thus yet another extravagant trip- this time to Karuisawa. That was when I realized that no matter what I would still want to help out Tamaki. I knew that helping him get the room by telling him about the piano would lead to them getting even closer, but I couldn't help it. I had to help him.
During my conversation with Haruhi I let on too much of my personal feelings,
I never meant to go back to Haruhi's residence, but when Tamaki showed up at my house in his normal clothes I just couldn't say no. I mean Tamaki looks good in our uniform, but Tamaki in normal clothes is just…. Oh why do I let my mind wander like this when I know it's never going to happen? I knew that if I stayed with the group when we went into the school that I'd only keep getting off track. So I decided to help them out, but not be in the same area at the same time. I knew whatever Tamaki came up with wouldn't be good enough to take down the Zuka club's plan for Haruhi.
So I then decided to give the person in charge of the green screen the picture of Haruhi and Miss Kasugazaki kissing with specific directions of when they should show it. On some level, I'd hoped that Tamaki would notice that I'd done it and that he'd realize he had feelings for me or something like that. I knew it was impossible, but I also knew that if I hadn't done this and Tamaki had found out that I was able, he'd be mad at me. That would be way worse than my life was now, so I decided to do it, even if I most likely wouldn't get any recognition for it.
Then after all this, Kasanoda came along and with very little effort threw off everything in our dynamic as a club-at least for a time. He pointed out that Tamaki wasn't her real father. That made Tamaki begin to question why he liked Haruhi so much. He also managed to send Tamaki into an almost catatonic like state. All I wanted to do was go over to him and try to help, but I knew that there was nothing I could do to help him. I was just Kyoya the person who helped him get the club off the ground and takes care of all the hard stuff. Kyoya the guy he could go to with his problems about everything. Kyoya the guy who does everything for him without him having to even ask. Kyoya his best friend…. Kyoya… the guy who loved him. Not that he knew that of course. I wasn't Haruhi, the girl who he loved…
Of course it has to get worse before it gets better. So naturally the next thing that happens is Tamaki deciding that he's moving to France with Miss Tonerre. And of course he doesn't explain himself before saying that the club is over. Doesn't even think that we'd not want that. All he thinks about is that we believe that he is a burden to us because he isn't serious all that often and comes up with outlandish ideas all the time. I want to scream at him that he's an idiot. That I would never think such things because he is Tamaki, and that means he's perfect no matter how crazy his ideas sound sometimes. I almost always found a way to make them happen simply so I could see that look on his face that said he was too happy to even try to explain with words.
As I stayed behind to help Mori and Hani, I couldn't help but wonder what the other three were doing at this moment. Had they already reached him? Did the carriage crash and all of them end up injured so they couldn't catch him in time? Or were they currently convincing him that we all needed him still? For some reason I could only picture Haruhi doing that. I knew the twins went with, but I couldn't picture them with Haruhi. All I could see was Haruhi reaching out to pull him into the carriage and Tamaki reaching out to meet her hand. This image gave me what I needed to fight, because I felt that it was my job to be there and convince Tamaki he needed to be here. Not for the host club, but for me.
What would I do without the idiot if they didn't reach him in time- physically or mentally? I felt like I couldn't trust them to say the right thing for Tamaki to understand he needed to come back. They didn't know him like I did, what if they said the wrong thing? This is what made me angry, having to rely on other people to do something I could do better. What right did they have to be the ones who try to convince him to stay? I knew him the best, I knew the things to say to make him happy or calm down. Did they know those things?
I only stopped thinking like that when I realized all of my families police were knocked out. "Kyoya, I haven't seen you fight before… do you normally fight with so much anger?" Hani asked nervously.
I took a deep breath, "No I don't. I simply have too much on my mind to keep a calm head," I said in explanation. Neither of them said anything in contradiction of that and looked like they expected as such.
"Well… you still did a good job, I didn't know you could fight… I kinda thought you'd just stand there and wait for us to finish…" Hani said in the same tone.
"Thanks Hani. I know I'm not as good as you guys so I don't normally flaunt that I know how to fight. My father make me take classes for a while in case someone tried to kidnap me or something."
After that we got in the limousine and went off to catch up with everyone.
We found the twins on the side of the road in a pumpkin patch and stopped to pick them up. After that we drove as fast as we could and eventually saw Tamaki and Haruhi walking out of the river. Everyone ran to them, but I slowly walked down to the riverbank. I didn't want to see them in each other's arms. My heart couldn't take much more of it, so I convinced them that we all needed to get back to school before people noticed our absence.
After we all danced, I went back to the third music room to collect my things and change after everyone else already had gone home… or at least I assumed they had.
That's when I let myself do what I'd been avoiding for so long. I cried. Haruhi's eyes had clearly stated that she loved Tamaki earlier, and I knew that even Tamaki would have noticed if not now, then he would soon. I knew it wouldn't be long before they walked into the third music room holding hands and telling everyone that they were dating, or that they loved each other. These thoughts alone would have been able to make me fall to my knees if I hadn't already been sitting down.
I didn't know how I'd be able to continue like nothing was different from here on, because it felt like everything was different. I had no chance with Tamaki anymore because he was in love with Haruhi and she loved him back. Yesterday I had a little chance because the love was only one sided… this changed so much.
So lost in my own world of sorrow and tears, I didn't hear the footsteps approaching the door. "Kyoya? Are you in here?" Tamaki's voice called out. My head shot up just in time for him to locate me in the room. I must have looked bad because he inhaled sharply, and ran over to me saying, "Kyoya! What's wrong?" I laughed with a slightly hysterical edge to it.
"Nothing, Tamaki, nothing. Why aren't you with Haruhi?" I asked.
"Why would I be with Haruhi? She went home," he said looking confused. Of course, why else would you be here? I thought bitterly. I decided it would be best if I didn't respond so I just put my head back in my hands and tried to get rid of the tears without him noticing. "At least I think she did, I haven't seen her in a while. I've been looking for you." He said simply.
I took a deep breath and let it out before responding, "What did you need?"
"I wanted to tell you that my grandmother decided to give me the company anyways because Tonerre told her that she was the one who wanted out of the marriage not me." He said as he smiled that smile that makes my heart melt.
"That's wonderful Tamaki. I wish you all the best," I said, "Have you told Haruhi yet?" I asked before I could stop myself.
"No… why would I tell her first? You're my best friend. And what is it with you and Haruhi? Are you trying to get rid of me, because this is the second time you've asked me about her. Almost like you'd rather I was with her than here," no, there is not place I'd rather you be. I just wish you'd understand that…
"No, that's not my intention. I simply had no plans for someone seeing me crying right now. It makes me feel rather weak…" I said as a lame excuse, but feeling the honesty of it nonetheless.
He didn't say anything for a second before he sat next to me, put his arm around me and said, "What's wrong?"
I looked at him and suddenly I was caught in his gaze. I knew it was hopeless from that moment on. No matter how hard I tried not to I knew that I'd be talking to him about things now, "Everything."
He looked confused, "What do you mean 'everything?"
"I mean everything."
"Is this about what happened earlier?" he asked quietly. Suddenly I couldn't take it and I found myself on my feet.
"It's about that and Haruhi, and personal crap too. It's about everything!" I yelled.
He looked at me contemplatively, "What do you have against Haruhi?" he asked. He didn't sound angry. If anything he sounded curious and a little suspicious.
Suddenly I sat down again on the couch across from him, all my anger leaving as quickly as it came, "Everything."
His eyes sparked a little, "Come on Kyoya that's not an answer. It can't be possible to have a problem with everything about one person. So I refuse to accept that as a viable answer for any of my questions."
"Fine! You want to know details?" I found myself on my feet so I could pace and get rid of my excess energy, "I hate the fact that she was the one to get you today! The entire time she was riding in that carriage and I was fighting off my own police force, I couldn't stop thinking 'what if they say something wrong and he feels like he's justified in leaving' 'what if they don't make it?' and then of course my most favorite, 'what's going to happen if Haruhi and the twins can't convince him to stay? What will happen to everything? What if they just say one wrong thing because they don't know any better and he's gone? What would happen to… me?'" I looked at him briefly to see if he understood what I was saying. I knew he would as soon as he got over the shock which was all over his expression.
"What did you think I wouldn't care if you left?" he nodded slowly, "God Tamaki! You can be such an idiot sometimes! Can't you tell how much you mean to me? You're my best friend… my only real friend for that matter! You're the only one who can see through my mask every time I put it up. Everyone else believes that I have no emotion- that I can't feel them. But you know better and without fail know when I need to be cheered up. I don't know what I'd do without that. You make me realize that it's okay to feel things every once and a while because everyone does.
"Then you just decided out of the blue that you were going to leave. You didn't talk to anyone about it- you just decided." By this time I was crying again, "You don't seem to understand just how much that hurt. It would have been okay not to talk to Hani, or the twins or Mori or even Haruhi, but to not tell me? I'm your best friend! Then of course the three that are chosen to go after you in the carriage are the twins because they were closest and Haruhi. Well she went because that's what everyone was expecting." I said.
"…From what I heard from everyone you were the one that told her to go." Tamaki said quietly.
I laughed without humor, "Yes I was, because I'm not the person who's supposed to help you. I'm not the one who's supposed to save you," Tamaki looked startled, "It's supposed to be Haruhi. That's what everyone thinks you know. Everyone thinks that the more you save each other, the faster you'll fall in love and be happy for the rest of your lives. The faster you'll get out of your little fairy tale life and realize that you love Haruhi not as one family member would love another, but as a romantic interest. That's what everyone wants, what everyone believes," I chocked back a sob.
Tamaki looked more confused, "I don't love her like that! And besides you're my best friend… They would have understood."
Again I laughed humorlessly, "No, they wouldn't have. They have an idea of perfect. Of what should be and that would not be it. It would not be seen as me trying to help my best friend it would be seen as taking a chance away from Haruhi. And what would have happened if I did go with the twins? Haruhi would have been left in the middle of a 'battle.' She has no combat training as you know I do. What would have happened to her?"
He seemed to ponder for a second about what I'd said before slowly nodding his head. "You're right. They wouldn't have seen it that way. But no matter what, they need to realize that I don't love her that way. I love her like she is part of my family… no I'm in love with someone else."
I looked up quickly and asked, "Who?"
Instead of answering verbally he got up, walked over to me, lifted my chin up so I was looking him in the eyes, leaned in, and kissed me. I could tell he only meant for it to be a peck, but my body took over and my arms wrapped around his neck, pulling him back to me before he could escape. We stayed like that for a while before he pulled back to catch his breath and said, "I love you," whilst staring into my eyes.
My heart felt like it'd stopped for a second, but I recovered quickly enough to smile at him and say, "I love you too," quietly. His eyes widened for a second. "What? You weren't expecting that?" he shook his head. "That's why I hated Haruhi. I thought you loved her, and when I saw the look in her eyes earlier… well I thought it would be no time before you guys were a couple, thus I'd lost any chance I may have had."
"Trust me, you are in no danger from Haruhi. You are way better in both looks and personality," he said smiling at me shyly. "Anyways, I don't know how you or anyone else could think I loved Haruhi. I called her my daughter for a reason, much like I called you 'mommy' for a reason," he seemed to think about it for a second, "Not that that says anything other than us being a couple… I'd be totally fine with you being 'daddy.'" He grinned at me while I smirked back.