You ever wonder how your life got turned to complete shit? Yeah, 'cause that's what I am doing right now! I am walking around my newly bought house, in my newly bought nighty, trying to cook while thinking over the last three years. I am trying really hard to figure out where I went wrong, and how in the hell I didn't see this coming.

Maybe I should just start at the very beginning. I had a typical childhood, with both my parents not really wanting me, but not wanting the other to have me either, so I bounced all over the place.

My dad, Charlie, stayed in Forks, WA, and my mom, Renee, dragged me to almost every state she could. She finally stopped when she met a really hot baseball player, Phil, something or another, and got knocked up two months later. Yeah, after that, I decided that fast tracking through high school was a must.

After graduation, I wanted to get away from everything and everyone. I mean, it's hard enough being a big girl when your mom is a size four while 6 months pregnant and constantly telling you to lose some weight so you can find yourself a man to take care of you. So when I started looking at colleges, I wanted to go somewhere fun and different, but yet still get a good education. So that being said, I picked LSU in Baton Rouge, LA, home of the famous fighting tigers.

At 16, about to be 17, I started at LSU and I was roomed with the biggest whore in world! I mean how many time can you get crabs and syphilis before your cunt rots out! Nasty ass Tanya was trying her hardest to find out. I swear, living anywhere else was better than with her.

After the fourth guy in one night, I decided that I was gonna find somewhere else, and fast. I mean, I heard that crabs can jump and I can only spray so much disinfectant in one day. That is how I wound up at Kappa Alpha Theta. Yeah, I know, big surprise to me too! But I swear the girls down here couldn't have cared less if I was a size 2 or 20, and don't even get me started on the boys!

I think it's because of being in the South, but the boys down here loved me! I mean I was never, ever short on company. If I wanted it, dear God, thank you, and yes please, is all I am going to say about that! I can tell ya that after the four years that I went to school there that I now have a shit ton of confidence, and my self-esteem has no problem.

In fact, I met Mike at school in my senior year, and he showed me all about southern boys and how they liked to get dirty. We were together for two years and just bought a house and a dog, 'cause I always wanted one together, when everything started to go to shit.

I had just started working on getting my book published and came home early to Mike banging some blonde bitch on my living room floor, just like that Nelly song. I was so hurt and upset. I mean, no, I didn't love his ass or anything, but he could have told me that we were finished before fucking someone else, right? Common fucking courtesy, right?

I walk further into the room to see who the hell it is fucking my boyfriend, and am surprised as hell that it is Tanya "Sorry, my crabs bite" Denali! Before I can start screaming my head off, Mike goes and moans. "God, I love fucking you so much, Tantan! I can't wait for us to be a family."

That right there is what kills me! He always said he didn't want kids and didn't want to get married, but rather just keep things like they were—you know, simple, happy, good—but it's bullshit 'cause I love kids and want a fuckton of them running around. So I do what any good southern girl would do! I walk back into the hall and grab the gun out of my purse. Mike always laughed whenever we went shooting, since it's pink, but let's see his ass laugh now! I calmly walk back in and take a shot at the sofa right next to his head. He screams like a little bitch and Tanya jumps up fast, reaching for the phone.

"Go ahead, whore, call the cops; it will take them at least five minutes to get here. I ain't scared of no popo, bitch!"

While I'm yelling at Tanya, Mike runs and knocks my gun out of my hand.

"Well. fuck you, Mike; I can kick your ass with my bare hands since you were always such a little bitch!"

The first thing that I do is punch him in his throat and then knee him in his short, little, baby's thumb-sized penis. You can't even call it a cock 'cause it's not big enough for that! Once he drops to the ground, I jump on him and start beating the shit out of him.

My dad my suck at parenting, but he sure as hell taught me how to throw a punch and to make them stick. By the time the cops show up, Tanya is still naked, crying on the floor, and Mike is a bloody mess with me sitting on his chest!

After they haul him away, and Skankya follows him to the hospital, I go get all of his shit and throw it into the middle of the front yard, and then I grab a beer and a chair and light that motherfucker up like it's the Fourth of July!

The neighbors just stick their heads out and laugh, then go about their business. The smell of smoke brings me back to the present. I try to look around, but I can't see shit; the smoke is so thick that it's hard to breathe. I feel something rub up against my leg, along with the sounds of whimpering. I bend down to pick up my baby, JD. He is a three month old Chihuahua and the love of my life.

We start making our way to the door when it is suddenly busted in and three guys dressed as firefighters come running in. JD starts barking his crazy little head off, and I hear someone moan, "Fuck! I hate dogs!" I was about to start telling whoever that was off, but I got really light-headed and swayed on my feet. Next thing I know, I'm up in one of their arms and they are running me out of the house.