A/N: I know, this one is really long. But so was the movie! And I really had fun with this. Awesome film, silly tribute. Enjoy!
Bilbo (Part II-The Desolation of Smaug)
Hey! It's me, Bilbo—I hope you may remember…
I haven't been inactive since you saw me last December
The Company of Thorin is in trouble without end
From frying pan to fire seems to be a trend
One minute I'm on a hilltop doing my burgling best
I see there's something else out there—won't they just give it a rest?
Gandalf's genius plan for avoiding imminent danger
Was to make a pit-stop at the home of a fearsome skin-changer
Beorn didn't kill us—he's not all that bad, I suppose,
But it's a bit disconcerting to flick giant bees off your nose!
After a breakfast and some kind of awkward small talk,
He gave us some ponies so we wouldn't have to just walk,
We're on our way to Mirkwood, now there's a cheerful name
No way to go around it but I'm worried just the same
Gazing up at treetops and murky trunks crowding thick
I know this is our path but this forest just feels sick
Still, I'm not the Hobbit who walked out of my front door
Somewhere along the way, I've picked up something more
I tried to tell the truth under Gandalf's keen-eyed urge
But he doesn't need to know that it's a ring and not my courage
Oh well, he's on his way, some secret wizard mission
Now it's up to me to get these stupid dwarves to listen
We're going round in circles, with ne'er a path to cross
I don't care what Thorin says, we are really lost
I finally figured out that what we needed was the sun,
Atop a tree I saw the mountain—hey! We're nearly done!
But wait, what's going on? No one shares in my delight!
I fell down the tree and got oh, an awful fright!
A giant nasty spider was skittering towards me
When I next awoke, I was as wrapped up as could be
Happily I had my wits and my letter-opener too,
I drew it from its sheath and its blade stabbed straight and true!
The spider fell to the forest floor with an unceremonious thump
I took the time to quick unwind some wrapped-up dwarven lumps
The spiders ranged along their webs making quite a loathsome hiss
I could now hear their voices—oh, had ignorance been bliss!
I ran ahead, and struck them dead, while insults freely flinging—
Well might they be filled with fear, for I will do the stinging!
It wasn't very long before the dwarves were in the fray
For just a few bright moments it seemed we had won the day
But then I nearly lost the ring and when I had it back
The dwarves were in the middle of an elf surprise attack
Although they killed the spiders they were far from on our side
Before you could say "Attercop" we were disarmed and tied
Well all except for me of course who slipped along disguised
And nearly was detected by the Elf Prince's keen eyes
Once inside the Woodland Keep I had to plan a bit
Whenever there's a mess I'm the one to get us out of it,
Avoiding Elven guards, a creepy king and his son,
I made a devious escape plan that's barrels full of fun
Rolling down the river we managed to eschew
The elves and orcs that followed us—that's it! We're out! Woohoo!
We cast aside our barrels—there's the mountain-top at last!
But the Long Lake lies between us…we have come to an impasse.
A barge appeared before us steered by a bowman grim
But with Balin's wily ways and payment we enlisted him
To help us reach the end of this everlasting trip
Of course the dwarves complain about his steering and his lip
It's a wonder that he's helping us, under all of this harassment
But Bard's a noble fellow—yes, I know his name, I asked him!
He hid us under fish, in the sewer, in his home
"Thag you very buch" I said—I'm more grateful than some
We had a falling out over weaponry and rules
I think we would be better off to just have kept the tools
When we were caught at thieving Bard had had enough with us
But the Master of the town decided we were worth the fuss
Because of all the gold which he hopes to pocket
Nobody seems bothered that it isn't even got yet
And then there is the prophesy which says the Lord of Silver Fountains
Will bring woe and ruin when he takes back the Mountain
This didn't bother Thorin, who made an epic speech
He didn't seem to care that the Master was a leech
Leaving his nephews on the dock we sailed across the lake
Gazing upon the homeland which they have vowed to retake
As we stand above the ruins, contemplating Desolation
The light is fading fast, causing general frustration
We then had some shenanigans with magic dwarven locks
Which only seem to work when upon gray stone thrush knocks
The last light of Durin's Day is key proclaim the runes,
Everybody freaks so I'm like, "Hey guys, it's the moon!"
Once inside I start to understand that I'm the guy,
Who has to go and poke around and probably, um, die
Balin tries to comfort me with helpful words of sage advice
"Find the Arkenstone—it's big and white…" "Oh yeah," I said "that's nice"
"If you do find a dragon there," he continued undeterred
"It would be best for all of us if you would leave him…undisturbed."
With this in mind I tiptoed in upon a golden heap
A mountain all itself that hid a dragon fast asleep
Of course I woke him up because that is my rotten luck
When his fey eye fell on me I had barely time to duck
He rose around me, red and gold, monster behind belief
And opening his jaws he rumbled out the words "Well, thief"
We bantered back and forth in a deadly kind of duel
Which taught me once again that I had been a reckless fool
To think that I was equal to a scheming beast so feared
Whose wings are like a hurricane, whose claws are sharp as spears
Enormity, catastrophe, how could I dialogue
With this chiefest of calamities, whose name is known as Smaug?!
Just before he ate me up and ringed the room with fire
The dwarves surged to the rescue (though twas the gem Thorin desired)
And so began a battle in which we were nearly cooked alive
But though dwarves can be stupid, they can also contrive
A plan of reckless excellence which nearly saved the day
Or would have if the dragon had not vowed to make them pay
For last hurrahs we flooded him in a deluge of molten gold
But gold is swiftly conquered by the cunning worms of old
The lord of death and ruin from the mountain heights wheels down
And prepares to wreak his vengeance on the people of Laketown
So much for all the glory and triumph of our return
I fear our actions of today have led the world to burn