A/N: I know, this one is really long. But so was the movie! And I really had fun with this. Awesome film, silly tribute. Enjoy!

Bilbo (Part II-The Desolation of Smaug)

Hey! It's me, Bilbo—I hope you may remember…

I haven't been inactive since you saw me last December

The Company of Thorin is in trouble without end

From frying pan to fire seems to be a trend

One minute I'm on a hilltop doing my burgling best

I see there's something else out there—won't they just give it a rest?

Gandalf's genius plan for avoiding imminent danger

Was to make a pit-stop at the home of a fearsome skin-changer

Beorn didn't kill us—he's not all that bad, I suppose,

But it's a bit disconcerting to flick giant bees off your nose!

After a breakfast and some kind of awkward small talk,

He gave us some ponies so we wouldn't have to just walk,

We're on our way to Mirkwood, now there's a cheerful name

No way to go around it but I'm worried just the same

Gazing up at treetops and murky trunks crowding thick

I know this is our path but this forest just feels sick

Still, I'm not the Hobbit who walked out of my front door

Somewhere along the way, I've picked up something more

I tried to tell the truth under Gandalf's keen-eyed urge

But he doesn't need to know that it's a ring and not my courage

Oh well, he's on his way, some secret wizard mission

Now it's up to me to get these stupid dwarves to listen

We're going round in circles, with ne'er a path to cross

I don't care what Thorin says, we are really lost

I finally figured out that what we needed was the sun,

Atop a tree I saw the mountain—hey! We're nearly done!

But wait, what's going on? No one shares in my delight!

I fell down the tree and got oh, an awful fright!

A giant nasty spider was skittering towards me

When I next awoke, I was as wrapped up as could be

Happily I had my wits and my letter-opener too,

I drew it from its sheath and its blade stabbed straight and true!

The spider fell to the forest floor with an unceremonious thump

I took the time to quick unwind some wrapped-up dwarven lumps

The spiders ranged along their webs making quite a loathsome hiss

I could now hear their voices—oh, had ignorance been bliss!

I ran ahead, and struck them dead, while insults freely flinging—

Well might they be filled with fear, for I will do the stinging!

It wasn't very long before the dwarves were in the fray

For just a few bright moments it seemed we had won the day

But then I nearly lost the ring and when I had it back

The dwarves were in the middle of an elf surprise attack

Although they killed the spiders they were far from on our side

Before you could say "Attercop" we were disarmed and tied

Well all except for me of course who slipped along disguised

And nearly was detected by the Elf Prince's keen eyes

Once inside the Woodland Keep I had to plan a bit

Whenever there's a mess I'm the one to get us out of it,

Avoiding Elven guards, a creepy king and his son,

I made a devious escape plan that's barrels full of fun

Rolling down the river we managed to eschew

The elves and orcs that followed us—that's it! We're out! Woohoo!

We cast aside our barrels—there's the mountain-top at last!

But the Long Lake lies between us…we have come to an impasse.

A barge appeared before us steered by a bowman grim

But with Balin's wily ways and payment we enlisted him

To help us reach the end of this everlasting trip

Of course the dwarves complain about his steering and his lip

It's a wonder that he's helping us, under all of this harassment

But Bard's a noble fellow—yes, I know his name, I asked him!

He hid us under fish, in the sewer, in his home

"Thag you very buch" I said—I'm more grateful than some

We had a falling out over weaponry and rules

I think we would be better off to just have kept the tools

When we were caught at thieving Bard had had enough with us

But the Master of the town decided we were worth the fuss

Because of all the gold which he hopes to pocket

Nobody seems bothered that it isn't even got yet

And then there is the prophesy which says the Lord of Silver Fountains

Will bring woe and ruin when he takes back the Mountain

This didn't bother Thorin, who made an epic speech

He didn't seem to care that the Master was a leech

Leaving his nephews on the dock we sailed across the lake

Gazing upon the homeland which they have vowed to retake

As we stand above the ruins, contemplating Desolation

The light is fading fast, causing general frustration

We then had some shenanigans with magic dwarven locks

Which only seem to work when upon gray stone thrush knocks

The last light of Durin's Day is key proclaim the runes,

Everybody freaks so I'm like, "Hey guys, it's the moon!"

Once inside I start to understand that I'm the guy,

Who has to go and poke around and probably, um, die

Balin tries to comfort me with helpful words of sage advice

"Find the Arkenstone—it's big and white…" "Oh yeah," I said "that's nice"

"If you do find a dragon there," he continued undeterred

"It would be best for all of us if you would leave him…undisturbed."

With this in mind I tiptoed in upon a golden heap

A mountain all itself that hid a dragon fast asleep

Of course I woke him up because that is my rotten luck

When his fey eye fell on me I had barely time to duck

He rose around me, red and gold, monster behind belief

And opening his jaws he rumbled out the words "Well, thief"

We bantered back and forth in a deadly kind of duel

Which taught me once again that I had been a reckless fool

To think that I was equal to a scheming beast so feared

Whose wings are like a hurricane, whose claws are sharp as spears

Enormity, catastrophe, how could I dialogue

With this chiefest of calamities, whose name is known as Smaug?!

Just before he ate me up and ringed the room with fire

The dwarves surged to the rescue (though twas the gem Thorin desired)

And so began a battle in which we were nearly cooked alive

But though dwarves can be stupid, they can also contrive

A plan of reckless excellence which nearly saved the day

Or would have if the dragon had not vowed to make them pay

For last hurrahs we flooded him in a deluge of molten gold

But gold is swiftly conquered by the cunning worms of old

The lord of death and ruin from the mountain heights wheels down

And prepares to wreak his vengeance on the people of Laketown

So much for all the glory and triumph of our return

I fear our actions of today have led the world to burn