Yo ho! I'm here! Here I am! Me, Freakazoid! At the JLA Luau! The party for all the A-list heroes! And they invited me! Me! Freakazoid! Oh, wait, I already said that, didn't I?
How did little ol' me get so lucky?
Glad you asked! Tell 'em, Dexter!
Sigh. Okay, here goes.
It all started last week, when I came home from work, and opened the box to check my mail. There was the usual stuff—bills, advertising flyers, just junk—and then there was this plain white envelope. No name, or address, or anything. Like someone put it in there by hand.
I didn't think anything of it at the time. I tucked it into my copy of Telescopes Monthly so I wouldn't lose it, and I headed for the stairs. I always take the stairs instead of the elevator because it's only one floor, and half the time it's out of order anyway—
Oh, for the love of Henny Youngman! Would you skip the exposition and get to the good part?! Sheesh!
I'm getting to that, Mr. Impatient!
Anyway, on the stairs going up, I met my neighbor, Hal Jordan, coming down. I said hi, and he said hi, and . . . that was it. One of these days I'm gonna work up the nerve to ask him to go to the movies, or out for pizza, or something. Cause he's a really cool guy, you know? I mean, not in that way. I like girls! They just don't like me right now. For some reason.
I can't imagine.
Can I finish? I'm getting to the good part!
Yeah, yeah. Go ahead.
So anyway, I waited till I was back in my apartment—
Which could really use some work, by the way! A little paint, a few curtains . . . a WRECKING BALL!
Hey, it's okay for you! You've got the Freakalair! You don't have to pay rent! Do you know what a decent apartment in this city costs?
So get a better job!
I was lucky to find the one I have!
Anyway, I took out the white envelope, which still had no name or address. I turned it over, and on the back was this logo.
Ooh! Tell them what it was!
I'm getting to that! It was a stylized, crossed, J and L. I looked at it for a few minutes, not knowing what it was. Junior Lifeguards? Jewish Legion? Japanese Lanterns?
You're wasting time! TELL THEM!
Folks, I apologize for Freakazoid. He's not always this . . . freaky.
Well, thanks, Dex.
Usually, he's a lot worse.
I'm just saying. I've had to live with him in my head since I was seventeen. I'm used to it now. I'll try to keep him under control.
So I decided to open this mystery envelope to see what was inside it. And boy, was it tough! Real quality paper, if you know what I mean. I finally had to get a knife and saw at it for ten minutes before I could get it open enough to reach the contents. It was a card, like a wedding RSVP.
In fancy script, it said:
Gotham City Yacht Club
Saturday, June 4
Please surrender this invitation
At the door
No costumes please
A luau? Wow! We're invited to a real luau? With hula girls and palm trees and a whole roast pig and everything? Oh, man! And in Gotham City! I wonder if we'll see Batman? I love that guy! Never met him, but I like his style!
It was then that I realized what the JL was for.
YES! The big League at last! Finally, some respect from the A-listers! Oh, to rub shoulders with Superman! To chat with the Flash!
There's more than one?
There's about five of them, I think.
Really? What are they, a franchise operation? Flash R Us?
Can I get back to my story?
How much more is there?
Not a lot. I'm almost caught up to now. Wow, that's Clark Kent, the world-famous newspaper reporter! He's a superhero? I wonder which one?
Isn't it obvious?
Riiiiiight. Anyway, I made sure my schedule was clear—oh, who am I kidding? I never go anywhere on Saturday nights!—and yesterday I went to the thrift store and bought a great Hawaiian shirt. I copied the driving directions into my GPS, left an hour early to beat the traffic . . .
And just when I'm only a block away, he shows up.
And here I am! At the luau! With the super-people!
None of whom is in costume. The invitation said "no costumes"! Let me out, please!
Now? But I'm here! Oh, look, there's Aquaman! He talks to fish! I wonder what they say?
Why don't you go ask him?
What have I done? I don't belong here! These people are the crème de la crème of the crime-fighting world! And I'm—I mean, he's—we're . . . not. Nobody outside of our own city's even heard of me—him—us! Oh, this is too confusing!
Hi, you're Batman, right? No? How about you, are you Batman? No? What about you, in the green tights? Green Arrow? The Green Arrow? I love you, man! You seen Batman anywhere around here? No? I'll just keep looking, then.
Whaaaat? I'm talking to the nice man! He's made of plastic! Y'know? Cause he's Plastic Man? He's wearing his costume!
That's because he can't take it off!
Really? Is that true? You can't take it off? Like, not even when you take a shower or anything?
Can we please focus here?!
I am focused! I'm focusing on having a good time! That's what you do at a party! Ooh, look, they have little sausages! I love those!
And there he goes again. I have to get out of here. Look at all these people! They're so . . . well-dressed!
Not that one! She's hardly dressed at all!
Is that Wonder Woman?
Is it?! I've been waiting to meet her my whole life! Stay here, I'll be right back!
Um, I kind of . . . have to . . . oh, never mind.
So, you're Wonder Woman, eh? There's something I've been wondering about. Well . . . you know when you fly around, in your invisible jet? How come we can see you, but we can't see the plane? Shouldn't you be invisible, too?
Oh, you don't have the plane anymore? What happened? You forget where you parked it? Cause, you know, you go to look for it, and you can't find it, cause it's invisible, and . . . yeah. I'm gonna go get some punch. See ya!
I cannot believe he just did that! He chatted up Wonder Woman! We chatted up Wonder Woman! At least, I think she was Wonder Woman.
Boy, she sure is pretty. Oh, look, there's some kids over there. Let's go talk to them.
Not now! I'm getting myself some punch! Do you think it's spiked?
Freakazoid, we're old enough to drink now.
Doesn't mean we have to. Nope, tastes fine to me. Let's go talk to the kids now. Hi, sidekicks! Which one of you is Robin?
They're not gonna just tell you that! They don't even know who you are!
So we'll make friends. You need some, right? Hi, what's your name? Uh huh. And you? And what about the pretty little lady there? Oops, sorry, you're a boy. Nice haircut. See, Dex, this is Alvin, and Conner, and Bart, and Cissie, and Cassie—you two must be twins! No? Sisters, at least? Oh, not related? Well, that's okay. We can still be friends.
Can we go home now?
WE JUST GOT HERE!
I wonder where Green Lantern is? I love that guy! You see him anywhere?
Oh, I give up! Do what you want! I'll just sit here and sulk.
Oh, c'mon, Dexter, don't be a grump! It's a party! We're supposed to be having a good time! Don't rain on my parade!
Aw, Dex! We're buddies, aren't we? I know you don't like me—
I never said that!
There we go! You're talking to me now! Anyway, I've been good, haven't I? I always stay down in the basement and watch Rat Patrol when you're at work. I know you hate it when I bother you at work.
Yeah, that's true . . .
I try not to complicate your life. And you let me do the hero thing when I need to. Only, you know, we moved to a city that has its own heroes, and . . . they don't really . . . need me.
Sure they do! Someone needs to get kittens out of trees and stop bank robbers and stuff! All the little things that the big heroes don't always have time for! You can do that!
Yeah, that's . . . not really working so well.
Someone must like you. They invited you to the party, didn't they?
That's right! Someone likes me! Oh, joy! Oh, rapture! Yeah, that's a request. What do you mean, you don't have any Blondie? Not even "Heart of Glass"? No? Denied?
Can you believe it? No Blondie? How 'bout the Hokey Pokey? Do you at least, for the love of God, have the Hokey Pokey?!
YES! C'mon, Dex, let's Hokey Pokey! You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out—
Hey, that's my left foot!
Oh, sorry! And you shake it all about!
People are staring at us! And no one else is dancing!
They will! And you turn yourself around! That's what it's all about!
Great. I'm being forced to do the Hokey Pokey while everyone stares. This is just like my fifth birthday party, only without my Uncle Bob getting drunk and barfing on me.
Right arm in, you put your right arm out . . .
I don't even have control over my own limbs! I wanna go home . . .
Hey, what's that?
Left elbow in—huh? What?
Everyone's running outside now. What's going on out there?
Maybe the Joker found out about the party and came to crash!
Crash a party full of superheroes. Yeah, not even the Joker is that crazy! Let's go see what it is.
I'm in mid-Pokey here!
We'll come back and finish it later! This could be important!
Well . . . all right.
Everyone's looking up in the sky. That green streak up there—what do you think that is?
Well, it could be. I mean, there's a Super Dog and a Super Horse and a Super Monkey. Why shouldn't there be a Super Pickle?
That's just silly!
Oh, so comic books aren't supposed to be silly, huh? I suppose you think they should be all dark and gritty and serious, because we're grownups now! Grownups don't do silly things, ever! Well, let me tell you something, mister—
Whoa! It's HIM! It's Green Lantern! Only . . . why is he wearing black? That is so last season!
He doesn't look happy! Duck!
Why is he shooting at us? He's supposed to be a good guy!
My so-called friends! Who didn't even bother to invite me to their party!
What's he talking about? Why wouldn't they invite him?
Wha—oof! Hey! No fair shooting at the new guy!
I will have VENGEANCE!
Oh, my God. Hal?
I know your weaknesses! I have read Batman's secret files!
Ha! That's where you're wrong! Batman doesn't have secret files on his teammates! He's one of the good—Alvin, why are you looking at me like that?
That's why Batman's not here, isn't it? They're in it together!
I'll stop this renegade!
I haven't used my full powers since the big team-up at the end of last season! I need the workout! Hey, Mister Big, Green, and kinda Scary! Bet you can't hit me!
Who are you?
I'm Freakazoid! You know, Freakazoid? The Freakazoid? I had my own TV show for two seasons! Then I was preempted for Bathroom Fixtures of the Rich and Famous, but that's not important—
Freakazoid, you can't fight Green Lantern!
Sure I can! They have these things all the time—heroes fight, they realize it was all a big misunderstanding, then they're friends! Two issues later, they're teaming up against a new bad guy! Reserve your copy now, kiddies!
There is no misunderstanding! They said my invitation was lost in the mail, but I know the truth! You never intended to invite me in the first place!
Invitation . . . oh, boy. This is all my fault.
You mean . . . that invitation in the mailbox—
Wasn't for us. I should have known! I never get invited to parties!
It could have been for us! There was no name or address or anything on that envelope!
I have to make this right! Let me out so I can explain—aah, duck!
What? Oof! Aw, c'mon! Who hits a guy with a giant green STOP sign?
Someone who is tired of your shenanigans! You're wasting my time!
I can't believe Hal is this mad over an invitation! Freakazoid, let me out now!
Before he gets tired of playing with us and does some real damage!
Oh, all right! Freak in!
That's better. Hal! Hal Jordan! It's me, Dex! Dexter! From 3F?
Where did the blue guy go?
He's having a time-out. Hal, you can't do this! These people are your teammates! Your friends!
They WERE my friends! But they didn't want to invite me to their little party!
Yeah, about that . . . I kind of got your invitation by mistake. Someone must have put it in the wrong box—hey, where's Alvin going?
I think we know who was in charge of getting the invitations out.
Anyway, Hal, it was all a big misunderstanding! If I'd known that invitation was meant for you, I'd have given it to you! But there was nothing on it at all!
Of course not! That's what secret identity means! It's a secret!
Oh, right. Well, anyway . . . if you're gonna be mad at someone, here I am. It's my fault. I should have known the invitation wasn't for me. So go ahead, do what you gotta do. I can take it.
Dex, what are you DOING?!
Trust me, Freak, I got this.
He's gonna KILL you! Me! Us! For Slorg's sake, STOP!
Who are you talking to?
Nobody. Look, Hal, you don't want to do this! It was a mistake! The invitation got put in the wrong box, that's all! But you're here now, so it's all good. I'll just . . . be going now.
Going? As in leaving? We can't leave! I'm having a good time!
Freakazoid, we don't belong here.
Freakazoid? I love that guy! Where is he?
He's . . . well, he's me. You know what you were saying about secret identities? Well, he's mine. Or I'm his. Whatever. We are two sides of the same coin. We're the same person!
But I dress better!
Why didn't you tell me you were Freakazoid? We should hang sometime!
YES! Um, I mean, great. So the vengeance thing, that's over?
Oh, sure. Unless someone's eaten all the little sausages already.
Uh oh . . .
This is great! I have a new friend, and the Justice League have agreed to make Freakazoid a reserve member!
See? I did a good thing! Say it.
*Sigh* Okay. Freakazoid is the greatest hero ever!
And don't you forget it, bubbie! Okay! Who wants to do the Hokey Pokey? You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out . . .