The Hagrid Hat
"Sure was nice of Dumbledore to le' me borrow the sor'ing hat ta sor' these pumpkins" said Hagrid to himself as he placed the sorting hat on the next pumpkin in line.
"Gryffindor!" called out the hat after a few seconds.
Hagrid picked up the pumpkin and dropped it in the 'Gryffindor' pile. Unfortunately, he forgot to remove the hat, and the hats weight caused the pumpkin to tip over and roll right into the fire, bringing the hat with it.
Hagrid quickly rushed to the fire, pulled out the hat, and began stomping on it repeatedly to put out the fire. After about a minute the hat was burnt, squashed, ripped, and torn.
"What am I going to tell Dumbledore?" lamented Hagrid. After a few moments of thought Hagrid pulled out his pink umbrella. "I can fix this" he said "prob'ly."
Hannah walked nervously to the stool in front of all of the other students. She didn't know why she was nervous though, as she was certainly going to be sorted into one of the four houses.
"Hmm" the hat surprised older students and teachers by speaking out loud, loud enough for everyone to hear it quite clearly. "The first ones always a toughie to sort. Perhaps Rock Cake? No, not Rock Cake. Perhaps dog hair"
"Um" Hannah started to say.
"You interrupted" the hat said in a hurt voice "how rude of you. Better be Slimy Gits!"
Hannah took off the hat and walked away confused. Mcgonagle directed her to the new table Dumbledore transfigured for her. Dumbledore was also transfiguring a table for 'Rock Cakes' just in case.
Susan hadn't expected to be nervous at the sorting ceremony, but she couldn't help but be afraid that she, like Hannah, would end up in some fake house instead of one of the four real ones.
As soon as she put the hat on, she quickly thought at the hat "I'm a hard worker and loyal too, you should put me in Hufflepuff"
"Hmm" the hat spoke "maybe Dog Hair. Yes, you would do well in Dog Hair."
"I like learning" Susan said frantically, barely noticing she was speaking out loud "you could put me in Ravenclaw."
"In that case" the hat said after a moment of thought "better be Crow Claw"
'So close' she said sadly as she walked to the new 'Crow Claw' table.
Terry resignedly put on the sorting hat and waited for it to sort him into some random made up house.
"Hmm, perhaps Gryffindor"
Suddenly Terry regained a glimmer of hope. "Yes" he yelled out "sort me there!"
"Well gryffindores certainly out" terry sighed in defeat. "You do have nice hair though. Dog Hair!"
"Your hair color doesn't match your last name, but it is still quite stylish. Dog Hair!"
"Wow" the hat said in surprise "you are one of the ugliest students I have ever had to sort!" before Milicent had a chance to retort it continued with "Slimy Gits".
"Hmm" the hat spoke "A difficult choice. Just kidding, Slimy Gits!"
"Well you're a hungry one. Rock Cake"!
"I should have eaten more on the train" lamented Seamus.
"Didn't I already sort you? Slimy Gits!"
"Hmm" the hat thought for a few moments "you would do well at Rochester Community College."
"could you please sort me into a real house" Hermoine silently begged the sorting hat.
"How polite." The hat replied "Gryffindor!"
The students were as surprised by someone being sorted into a real house as they were by Hannah being sorted into a fake one.
"Ew, you have a toad. Slimy Gits!"
"Well you certainly are ambitious. But you also have excellent hair. Dog Hair!
"Definitely Dog Hair"
"I just said Dog Hair!"
"Perks, Sally Anne"
"Salem Witches Academy" the hat yelled out, and then stage whispered "Get out while you still can."
"Hmm, you would do well, in the kitchen. Unfortunately its full of house elves Wait, are you wearing glasses?"
The hat burst into laughter. "Nerd! Crow Claw!"
"you have the heartiest appetite of any student of sorted thus far. Rock Cake.
The hat sat in silence for several minutes. "Just sort me somewhere already" complained Blaise.
"No" the hat said sternly "I refuse". Eventually Blaise took the hat off and sat at the 'No I Refuse' house table.
"Currently Slitherin leads with several points," Dumbledore spoke at the end of the year feast, "however recent events must be taken into account, and I have a few last minute points to award.
To Hermoine Granger, for being the only member of house Gryffindor in her year to make effective use of intellect, 50 points.
To Ron Weasley, for the best played game of chess this castle has ever seen, 50 points to Rock Cake.
To Harry Potter, for outstanding courage, 77 and 2/3 points to Crow Claw.
To Draco Malfoy, for outstanding hair, 32 points to Dog Hair.
To the house elves, for the best treacle tart this castle has ever seen, 64 points to the Kitchen
For public nudity, 10 points from Hufflepuff to Ravenclaw
And to Sally-Ann Perks, for fulfilling the American dream, pi points to the Salem Witches Academy.
I believe this calls for a change in colors"
Dumbledore paused and thought for a moment