My first Sherlock/John.

Dear Sherlock,

it feels already awkward when I am writing to you. My words form clearly in my head but bringing them onto paper is a completely different thing. I have so many things to tell you and I would like to say thank you.

But then you would wonder why and I could not answer. When we first met, you were not just a freak, but a mystery to me. You knew everything about me and to be honest, it was confusing and nothing more. I was surprised and this feeling kept on. When we met a Bakerstreet, I met you without any warning or with any intentions.

I was thrown into cold water and this silent sea I began to drown in was deeper than expected. You tried to get me back to the coast before I sink down in the darkness and I think you have succeeded. But still, you are a simple riddle to me, and if you were me, you would die to get behind it.

Because of all the cases you solve and the secrets you uncover, you are the biggest to everyone close to you. And I knew that I would never completely understand you and I doubted that I could ever reach you, when you left me alone after our first crime scene. But after some time, you depended on me and I depended on you, as we would never admit it to one other.

I mistrusted you in the beginning but especially in the last moments before your first disappearance, I would have trusted you with my life. I cannot forgive myself to letting you into danger while my stupid attempts to be like you have jeopardized everything – but not our friendship.

So I see it my fault to have run into Moriarty's men and have been brought into that swimming pool with dynamite all over my body. I had been scared, scared to hell and I never told you that although you knew already. But it didn't seem to interest you. To be honest, nothing ever seemed to care you. You walk through the world without looking back or at your side and still you notice everything.

Every little detail about me has been uncovered, and you never feared to tell Mrs. Hudson or Lestrade what you thought. You never drew back, when you pushed that CIA agent out of the window or when you followed the mad taxi driver through whole London. You always searched a reason for an action and I never doubted you, even when you did so yourself, believing in the Hound of Baskerville.

What I never understood was Irene. You call her The Woman, you show that she was important to you, you saved her life and still you denied any feelings. And as this is probably the last thing you ever hear from me, let me tell you the truth: I hated her. I wished her to die and every time I heard about her perishing, I felt the joy that you feel when solving a crime or whipping a dead body in autopsy.

I hope that she'll stay disappeared forever and never dares to come back to you. She is no good for you and not only because she loves you, like nearly everyone does, or because she's nothing more than a prostitute. It is because I am jealous. I envy her for her luck to get so close to you, you have occupied with her for such a long time, and although rejecting any of her attempts, you have never showed your own intentions.

I always wondered if you were not interested in anyone at all, but Christmas together showed that you do have a heart. What you did to Molly, was both disgusting and heart-warming when you apologized to her. She is the only one who would have earned your presence and I hope that you will take my advice and tell her what you honestly think about her.

I would have liked if you did this to me as well, you told me so often how silly I am and what an idiot and I took it as a compliment because it was one. But what do you really think? What do you really know? You are the most clever, most intelligent man I've ever met and you never noticed the most important thing that defined me?

As I now sit on the plane to the United States, I see it clearly in front of me. Either you are that close-minded and fixated on your work, so egoistic you appear, or you just don't want it to be true.

Fearing it was the latter, I actually fled from you and your presence. But whatever you might think right now, never forget one thing about me, that I loved you and that I will always do.

You stay in my heart forever,

Your John H. Watson

Please comment.

I also have a Sherlock/Q-Slash in my Sherlock-Skyfall crossover.