Title: The Tale of Fairy Hoofwings, Fairest of Horses
Author(s): Linda Hoyland
Rating: PG
Fandom: LOTR
Character(s): Faramir, Eowyn, Aragorn, OFCs
Summary: Fairy Hoofwings sets out on a new adventure
Warnings: Crackfic, Mary Sue, AU,Parody. To be taken with a large pinch of salt.
Author's Notes: with apologies to Tolkien who owns Gandalf, Faramir, Eowyn, Aragorn and M-e .
A gift for rakshathedemon who inspired this tale.

Fairy Hoofwings was bored. Valinor was just so perfectly dull, while the company left a good deal to be desired. The other animals were just so full of themselves and not at all impressed by her adventures in Middle-earth. Huan the hound was one of the worst of them, always barking on about how he had helped Lúthien and Beren in their quest for the Simaril.

I helped in the quest to destroy the One Ring," Fairy Hoofwings replied.

"I bore Lúthien the Fair upon my back," said Huan.

"And I carried Lucibella, daughter of Manwë and Varda," Fairy Hoofwings replied. "She is fairer than the sun and shines brighter than the moon. Her hair is like spun silk and…"

Huan yawned and loped away, chasing a large rabbit.

Of course, Fairy Hoofwings had her beloved Lucibella with her, but since she had married Legolas, her mistress spent all night and most of the day in bed with the Elf, who she called Goldilocks, making wild, passionate love.

"You should get married too," said Lucibella, when Fairy Hoofwings complained about being lonely.

"But where could I find a mate worthy of me?" asked Fairy Hoofwings.

"What about Shadowfax?" Lucibella suggested.

Fairy Hoofwings snorted in derision. "Shadowfax is an ordinary horse. He cannot fly like me!"

Gandalf, who was passing, overheard her. "Shadowfax can fly like the wind on his four hooves," he said. "There is no finer horse."

"But he is so full of himself!" Fairy Hoofwings complained.

"Then you should be a perfect match," said Gandalf.

Fairy Hoofwings burst into tears at this comment and looked around for Lucibella to comfort her. Lucibella had already returned to bed, though, where she was exchanging passionate kisses with Legolas.

Fairy Hoofwings pranced around for a while still crying. Then she had an idea. She would return to Middle-earth. Maybe someone there would appreciate her.

She spread her wings and flew and flew across the sea until she came to a lovely green part of Middle-earth where she landed and started to graze on the lush grass. There were a few common horses around, but she ignored them. The grass did not taste quite so good as the grass in Valinor, but it was still very tasty. She was enjoying herself very much until she got a stone in her hoof. It hurt a great deal. It had happened to her before, but Lucibella had always been there to take it out. Fairy Hoofwings could fly around but she needed to stand to graze and did not like her feet hurting.

Just then a man appeared. He looked a bit like the Ranger she had met with Lucibella on their previous adventure, save that he was younger and much tidier. For a moment or two, he stared at Fairy Hoofwings in astonishment. Then he spoke to her in a soft and gentle voice and gave her a sugar lump, which won her over completely. He then took a knife from his pocket and carefully extracted the stone from her hoof. He was gently stroking her mane when a woman appeared.

"Just look at this fair horse I have come upon, my sweet Éowyn!" said the man.

"The creature has wings," said Éowyn. "It cannot be a proper horse. What is it doing in my paddock with my stallions?"

"I think she is lost, beloved," said Faramir. "Please may I keep her?"

"What if the stallions mate with her instead of the broodmares and we get foals with wings?" said Éowyn. "My horses are of the pure bloodlines of the Meeras."

Fairy Hoofwings decided she didn't like the lady at all. As if she would lower herself to even look at her ugly stallions!

"We could put her in the mares' paddock on a long tether," said Faramir. "Just think, my love, how useful a flying horse would be. I could travel to meetings in the City and return home to you each night."

"You have a good point, my love," said Éowyn. "I miss having you beside me when you must attend the Council." She kissed him tenderly as she spoke.

Fairy Hoofwings neighed. She was not happy that she would have to share this nice man just as she had to share Lucibella. She liked him, though and permitted him to tie her to tree in another field with some mares that were even uglier than the stallions.

The next day Faramir climbed upon her back and flew to a great stone City. All the people came out and stared at them in astonishment. They all cheered, " All hail to Faramir, tamer of men and horses!" when they landed.

Amongst the crowd was the Ranger she had met before, save now he was wearing a crown and velvet was not cheering.

"What do you think of my new steed, Aragorn?" asked Faramir as soon as he had dismounted. "I found her in our paddocks yesterday."

"I have met it before," said Aragorn. He looked around, an anxious expression on his face. "Is Lucibella with her?"

"I have not met anyone with such a name, sire," said Faramir.

"Good," said Aragorn. "I will see you in Council when you have stabled the horse, or whatever it is."

Faramir led Fairy Hoofwings to a nasty smelly stable full of common horses and left her there with nothing but a trough of hay and a bucket of water. She felt very miserable indeed. She wished she were back in Valinor. She even wished for Shadowfax. Compared to these horses in Middle-earth, he was a prince amongst horses! She decided she would go home, though she would miss nice Faramir. Maybe she would visit him again one day.

After what seemed a very long time, Faramir came to release Fairy Hoofwings from her prison. As soon as she was outside, before he could leap astride her back, she neighed a farewell and flew away.

She flew over the sea until she was back in Valinor. Lucibella came running to meet her. "Dear Fairy Hoofwings, how I have missed you!" she cried and threw her arms around her neck. "Do not leave me again!"

Then Shadowfax cantered up to greet her. Fairy Hoofwings eyed him with a new respect. He was actually quite handsome. Maybe he would make her a good husband after all. It was good to be home.