H3LLO SUBSRC1B3RS OF FRU1TY RUMPUS 4SSHOL3 F4CTORY! TH1S 1S 4N 3D1T1ON 1NT3ND3D FOR HUM4NS WHO DO NOT UND3RST4ND TH3 3XT3NT OF OUR 1NS4NITY (TROLLS 4ND HUM4NS 4L1K3). W4RN1ING: TH1S STORY 1S R4T3D T FOR K4RKL3S' L4NGU4G3. NOT M34NT FOR TH3 F41NT OF H34RT (TH4T K1ND4 SOUNDS L1K3 4 H3RO T1TL3...).
1 DO NOT OWN HOM3STUCK 4ND 1 GOT TH3 ID34 FROM 'RULES OF LIVING WITH THE FLOCK'.
1 HOP3 YOU T4K3 TH3S3 GU1D3L1N3S TO H34RT.
(P.S.-1 W1LL CH4NG3 MY TYP1NG QU1RK FOR TH3 S4K3 OF IGNOR4NT HUM4N M1NDS. YOUR W3LCOM3)
1. Never, EVER insult my or Nepeta's drawings.
Karkat: I DID ONCE. WORST FUCKING DECISION OF MY LIFE.
Kanaya: He Woke Up The Next Morning An Unsightly Shade Of Pink. We Don't Know How They Managed It But Nepeta Made Certain To Draw KarkatxEridan Shippings All Over The Hive.
Eridan: I didn't enjoy it!I swwear!
Terezi: YOU ST1NK OF D3C31T.
2. John, stop trying to suck Aradia into a vacuum cleaner.
Dave: I don't care how ironic it is, just stop it.
Sollux: 2eriiously, 2he doe2n't enjoy beiing trapped iin a jar ju2t two fulfiill your de2iire2 of beiing a gho2tbu2ter.
Aradia: 0h, it's fine. I'm 0kay with it. I'm 0kay with a l0t 0f things n0w.
Sollux: 2hoo2h now, Aradiia. You don't know what you want.
3. Never steal Rose's diary (Kanaya, this means you)
Rose: Kanaya dear, are you aware of the whereabouts of my diary?
Kanaya: I'm Sorry Rose, I Can't Say That I-
Rose: *grimdark mode* Kanaya, I will ask once more. Where. Is. My. DIARY?
Kanaya: Ah! That Diary! Over There In That Pile Of Clothes. Please Don't Hurt Me.
4. Do not put fly paper outside of Tavros' door. Regardless to some people's belief (*cough cough* Vriska *cough*), this may be damaging to his self-esteem.
Tavros: rUFIO SAYS I SHOULD,uH STAY AWRE FROM PEOPLE WHO,uH DO THINGS LIKE THAT.
Vriska: Awwwwwwww, come on now. That w8s fucking hil8rious!
Gamzee: SoRrY, mY sIsTeR. wE dOn'T wAnT tO bE aLl MeSsInG wItH tHe MoThErFuCkInG fLoW oF hIs AuRa AnD sHiT.
5. Do not take Equius to see RomComs.
Karkat: He gave a whole new meaning to my 'sweater'.
Jade: It took me three whole days to get that thing clean! I am never doing your laundry again!
6. Do not take Feferi to a public pool.
Feferi: T)(ey poison t)(e WAT-ER! Wit)( 'c)(lorine'!
Terezi: SH3 TR13D BR34TH3 UND3RW4T3R 4ND C4M3 UP W1TH 3Y3S 4S R3D 4S MY OWN.
Equius: D- I offered her a towel but...
Feferi: I told him where he should put it instead.
Equius: D-Profanities from such a highblood... *shudders*.
7. Never, even TASTE, Gamzee's pie.
*JADE WALKS IN ON TEREZI PAINTING DAVE'S FACE RED, NEPETA EATING THE COUCH, TAVROS FACE DOWN A TRASH CAN, KARKAT RUNNING IN CIRCLES SCREAMING, AND SOLLUX USING HIS EYES TO CREATE A STROBE EFFECT. MEANWHILE ARADIA IS CONTINUOUSLY BUMPING INTO A WALL WHILE FEFERI, KANAYA, ROSE, JOHN, AND ERIDAN ARE SEEING WHO CAN ACT THE MOST FUCKED UP. EQUIUS IS SOBBING INTO A TOWEL*
Jade: Holy fucking-
Gamzee: ShOoSh, My LiTtLe SiStEr. It'S fOr ThE bEsT.
8. Do not give Nepeta a cat.
Terezi: 1 G4V3 H3R ON3 ONC3, TO B3 N1C3.
Kanaya: After A Week Of Being Shown Revolting Pictures Of Her New Kitten, We Thought We Had Seen The Last Of This Obsession.
Rose: We were wrong.
Karkat: FOR A FEW DAYS SHE WAS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND. WE THOUGHT SHE HAD FINALLY KILLED THE POOR THING AND WAS MOURNING OVER THE LITTLE BEAST.
Sollux: the next morniing ii went to check on her and a2 2oon a2 ii opened her door ii wa2 viiciiou2ly mauled by a total of 22 kiitten2 and one jaguar.
Nepeta: :33 Ocelot!
9. Karkat, stop telling Rose she has to date John in order for her species to survive.
TH4T 3NDS TOD4Y'S M3MO. 1T COV3RS 4 F3W B4S1C SURV1V4L SK1LLS 4ND 1S 4 B1T SHORT BUT 1 W1LL M4KE SUR3 TO UPD4T3 QU1CKLY. 4LSO, 3QU1US'S L1TTL3 BOW 4ND 4RROWS DON'T WORK SO JUST TRY TO 1M4G1N3 TH3M.