"What's the right way to say "I-spy" in the past tense?" Kirk's voice broke through the bored (though the crew would never admit it) silence on the bridge. Fifteen or so heads turned rapidly to look at him with mixed expressions.
"What…?" Spock began, and Scotty finished his question with a string of profanities.
"What?!" Kirk defended, throwing his hands up. "It's an honest question."
"Kirk, what are you talking about?" Uhura asked, holding her face in her hands.
"Like, is it 'I was I-spying', or 'I was spying something', or-."
"Or you were eyeing something-."
"Oh my gosh…Scotty, that's so wrong-."
"What? What's wrong with it?"
"It's I-spy, like I myself, not 'eye' like the body part-."
"It's the pronoun, Scotty, not-."
"Wow, Kirk, I'm impressed you even know what a pronoun is, given the atrocious grammar in your report last night-."
"Uhura, I was tired-."
"-and that's Captain Kirk to you-."
"Oi! Would'ya all just shut up about it, now? You're bickerin' like a bunch of children!" Scotty crossed his arms and looked accusingly at anyone that wasn't already looking at the floor. "You lot are all ridiculous."
"Might I remind you, Mr. Scott, with all due respect and no intention to instigate another argument, that you yourself participated in the recent discussion and therefore might not be the best candidate to quell the shouting?"
Every pair of eyes was on the first commander now, whom Kirk could swear was containing a small smile.
"Oh, so the Vulcan's got an attitude now, that's just great." Scotty threw his hands up in the air and sighed. "Pointy eared-."
"Excuse me, that's my boyfriend you're insulting-!"
"Like she's ever cared before-."
"Guys all I wanted was to know the past tense of I-spy-." Kirk sighed and sank down into his chair, his head in his hands.
This was going to be a long trip home.