SEASON / SEQUEL: all the others

CONTENT WARNINGS: if you don't live in Britain or have never experienced the delights of the BBC and ITV I'm sorry.

DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN THESE PEOPLE. I just really, really love them and am borrowing them. I don't own Stargate, this lot do- Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. And I'm making no money. At all.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: don't ask!!! All those adverts for men in black 2 finally got to me I think, lots of mentions to various Brit TV shows so if you need explanations then email me and ask. The conversation hat thing is from the Simpsons, I think I'd just watched that episode when I'd wrote this (I think) oh and the Sun is rubbish. I read the Daily Mirror.

The One With The Men In Completely Black

Voiceover Man-"Last week on Chums.... ..Daniel was about to be recycled leaving Sam and Jack alone in the flat. Will he be taken away? Will there be babies? Hopefully not, find out this week....."

ROLL THEME-Daniel, Jack and Sam run around poking each other with umbrellas and trying to push each other into the fountain to the song:-

"Nobody told you comedy could ever be this lame, every week a different show but somehow all the same, we'll be chums forever, no ones lonely with chums......"

"Chums is filmed with cameras..fancy that!"

Jack and Daniel sat on the sofa of the SG Chums flat, quietly. The tele was off and they had finished their brews. jack sighed dramatically.

"Bored?" Daniel asked.

"Where's Sam?" he said. "She was supposed to be back by now"

"She'll be back" Daniel said.

"I see she didn't have you recycled mate" he said. Daniel looked down at himself.

"Er, yeah, that's right"

"How come?"

"Well, seems I have some qualities she loves too much to lose"

"Like your chocolate cake?" Jack asked.

"Yeah" there was a pause. "Still had our PJ and Duncan stuff recycled though."


"Think they've all been turned into videos for some TV show, Star, Star something"


"No, starbait I think"

"Intergalactic fishing, interesting" Jack said nodding.

"Yeah" Daniel said. Suddenly Sam came bursting into the flat and slammed the door behind her. She leant up flat against it, holding it shut with her arms spread out. She was breathing heavily.

"You okay?" he asked.

"I just, just, I just saw, saw, hasa, haza, of an" she stopped.

"Slowly Sam" Jack said as he and Daniel ran up to her.

"I just saw a UFO" she said calmly. "Heading this way!!" she added hysterically, running around the room.

"ARGH!" Daniel and Jack cried running around with her.

"Okay, hang on, stop" Jack cried. "It's okay, maybe it'll just pass us by"

"Then, then, what's that?" Sam said pointing at the window. They turned to see a UFO hovering very the Tyne bridge, several strings coming out of the top.

"ARGH!" they cried and started running around again. The UFO bumped into the window, then disappeared suddenly. The CHUMS didn't notice and carried on with their hysteria. Suddenly a bright light appeared from the spotlight and chased Daniel around until it was over him. Daniel froze suddenly.

"Did someone yell freeze-frame or something?" Jack asked bumping into him.

"Jack get out of the way" Sam cried pulling him away. Daniel was suddenly and mysteriously pulled up by the strange white light (and a rope ladder)

"Daniel" they cried. "Nooooooooooooooooooo" suddenly he reappeared on the armchair.

"Whoa" he said. They raced to his side.

"Daniel, you okay?" Sam asked

"What happened?"

"Oh guys it was horrible, I was stuck up there, trapped, with Shirley Bassey for almost ten minutes"

"You weren't gone ten minutes" Jack said looking at his watch. "You were gone nine" he said as if it was obvious. Then he realised what he'd said.

"Nine minutes?"

"Yeah" he said. "We lost time" Dun, dun, dun! They looked around suddenly.

"Did you make that dun dun duh?"

"No" they frowned, confused.

"Anyway" suddenly Jack was whisked way by the bright light and rope ladder.

"Jack!" Sam cried. He reappeared beside her.

"Oh god Tom Jones!" he cried. Sam looked at his watch.

"Nine minutes" she said. "I'm amazed you survived that long"

"You gonna be okay Jack?" Daniel asked. Jack nodded, he'd gone sheet white.

"I wonder what's" Sam's sentence was cut short as the bright light took her away. She reappeared just behind Jack, who jumped at her presence.

"ARGH!" he cried out.

"Elvis lives!!" she cried. "I saw him" she looked at Jack's watch, nine minutes had gone again. "And he's still rubbish"

"Hey! Elvis is the king!" Daniel said.

"Yeah right" Sam scoffed.

"He is so"

"Is not"




"Right!" Sam cried. "I think it's time for a behind the sofa fight!" she dragged Daniel down behind the sofa. There were screams and shouts as arms and legs flew up into the air at bizarre angles. Clothes followed and tomato ketchup was flung into the air, hitting Jack in the face. Suddenly Sam jumped up and waved her arms in the air. She was covered in ketchup.

"I am victorious" she cried. Daniel came crawling, covered in ketchup too.

"A little help here people!!" he cried, Jack pulled him to his feet.

"So you got beat by a girl" he said. Daniel scowled.

"Shut up, Jack. She caught me unawares that's all"

"Yeah right"

"Ladies!" Sam yelled to them. "This isn't the time"

"She's right" Jack said. "We lost er" he paused and quietly to himself said. "9 minutes each, so that's 9 times 3.."

"18 Jack" Sam said.

"Exactly, 18 minutes, which is almost an entire episode of the Simpsons"

"Or the better half of Changing Rooms!" Daniel said, panicking.

"Girls, quiet" she said. "You know what this means don't you?"

"The credits are about to come up?" Jack said.

"Carol Smilie is sowing?"

"Nooo!" she said. "We can sell our story to the Sun"

"We'll be rich. They'll print anything" Jack said. "Daniel get me my conversation hat and the phone"

"Er, Jack, you don't have a conversation hat" he said.

"Oh, then get me the phone" Daniel ran out the room and ran back pulling a phone attached to a very long black cord which Daniel tripped over. He got up and handed it to Jack. they all sat down on the sofa. Jack dialled the number.

"Hello? The Sun?" he said. "Rupert Murdock, sir, have I got a story for you!"

The doorbell rang.

"Ooh, that'll be the reporter" Sam said. She got up and opened it to see two Teal'cs stood there. One wore black trousers, black shirt, black tie, black shoes and a black pair of sunglasses, that were the same shape as Deirdre Barlows (big and round). The other wore almost the same except instead of trousers wore a skirt.

"Please put the phone down sir" one said, storming past Sam. Jack did as he said and stood up.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"We're the men in completely black" the male Teal'c said.

"Men in completely black?" Daniel asked.

"Yeah, not like those amateurs, with their snooty white shirts" Teal'c said.

"Yeah, and some of um aren't even black" the female Teal'c said.

"Imagine" Sam said.

"Anyway" she said. "My brother and I"

"Are your names Teal'c?" Daniel interrupted.


"Do you have any brothers called Teal'c?" Jack asked.

"That's classified information" Teal'c said.

"That's a yes then"

"Anyway!" Teal'cs sister said. "I'm afraid what you have experienced today was supposed to be for some fruit cakes in Sunderland"

"So we'll be asking you to look here" Teal'c said holding up a big silver stick.

"No, no" Sam said moving back.

"We saw that movie, you're going to get rid of our memories" Jack said.

"Just look here please" he said.

"No way" they said closing their eyes.


Voiceover man-"Will the Chums have their memories erased? Will they make some money out of The Sun? Will the author run out of ideas? Find out next time....."